How To Resolve Conflicts Between
People During Church Planting
Main Biblical Text - Eph. 4:28-32
DISCONTENTMENT
"Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor."
Benjamin Franklin.
Learning Objectives
1. The students will explain the reasons for conflicts between people who are trying to plant and grow churches.
2. The students will list five things that help them overcome conflicts.
3. The students will write a short paper describing how we should Biblically view conflicts in the ministry.
Definition - Conflict is a difference between people that can be resolved by those who are willing to treat one another with respect and to speak the truth in love. Eph. 4:15
Example - One man hoping to marry could not decide whom to marry. Promising both girls that he would marry them, he decided to try to get both of them impregnated to see which would produce a son for him. Unfortunately, the plan backfired on him. Both girls became pregnant so they packed their things into the man’s parents house waiting for the delivery of the babies!!
Soon, both girls found out that the boy had promised to marry both of them which made them angry at each other, mad at the boy, and equally hostile toward the parents for raising such a wicked son. The next morning, one of the girls’ goat got killed by a lorry passing by on the road. The girl flew into a rage over the parents’ apparent neglect whom she blamed for the loss of her goat. After speaking several disrespectful words to the parents, the girl packed her bags and left. The boy thought he had all his problems solved, until, the second girl left because of the boy’s refusal to give her anything to help with the costs of drugs for her pregnancy related illnesses. Now the boy was left without either girl, without harmonious relations with his family, and shamed by the whole tribe for his foolish ways!!
All of these problems could have been averted if the boy would have applied the Biblical principles of conflict resolution!!!!
I. Factors behind conflicts-
A. Conflict is a natural part of growth and is therefore inevitable with families, friends, and neighbors. Conflicts usually result from people’s different perceptions. We must allow one another the freedom to have different opinions and choices which can help people grow, change, and develop. (Gal. 5:13)
``As imperfect human beings we are always going to be subject to conflict, misunderstanding, and misinterpretations until as Christians we are ushered into heaven.’’
B. Values and needs (perceived, real, and felt needs) that are expressed are at the root of causes behind conflicts.
Example - One man said, ``I need a wife.’’ When he got a wife, he said, ``I need a son.’’ When he got a son he said, ``I need some money to raise my son.’’ When he got some money he said, ``I need another wife because my wife can no longer have any children and my son has become an armed robber.’’ What the man said he needed was his perception of his need. What he really needed was to do the will of God and say,
Lord if it is your will I would like a wife and a son, but I will seek first your kingdom and then trust that all things will be provided in the ways and the means in which you deem best.’’ (Matt. 6:33)
If Hezekiah would have prayed, ``Not my will but yours Lord.’’ God possibly would not have granted his request to live an extra 15 years and produce a very wicked son. We need to distinguish between needs and wants. (Psa. 23:1)
C. Conflicts are usually symptoms of something far deeper troubling an individual. We must seek to explore below the surface of a person’s outer actions to discern what is beneath their anger, frustration, or opposition. (Heb. 12:15)
D. Most conflicts are dealt with wrongly because people have not been taught how to deal effectively with them. Or people are unwilling to find the answers in God’s word. (Eph. 4:15)
II. How to View Conflicts
A. In conflicts we must learn when to confront someone with a problem and when to overlook another’s fault. (Prov. 27:5,6)
``Open rebuke is better than secret love, faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.’’
B. In conflict management we must learn to respect others differences: personality, philosophy, background, male-female perceptions, cultures, levels of maturity, knowledge, spiritual knowledge and maturity, age, education, goals, and general perspectives. (Phil. 2:3,4, Gal 3:28)
C. Conflicts provide us with opportunities for growth. We should learn when and how to manage our conflicts and when and how to avoid them, as well as when and how to deal with them.
``For everything there is a time, a time to make war and a time for peace.’’ (Eccl. 3:8)
D. Conflicts allow people a forum for airing their differences of opinions. Unless we learn to hear people out, they will keep things bottled up inside them. Eventually the pressure will become so great that they will explode with anger or develop hypertension.
Example - The conflict of Barnabas and Paul provides us with a beautiful illustration. The Lord allowed both Paul and Barnabas to successfully plant new churches even though they disagreed with one another about taking John Mark with them. The Bible says that a sharp disagreement arose between them. Let us remember that we do not always have to be in agreement with one another as long as we are faithfully following the will of God for our lives!!
E. Unresolved conflicts interfere with growth and satisfying relationships. When conflicts go unsolved people erect defensive barriers toward one another. The Bible tells us to love one another as Christ also loves us without holding anything back. (Rom 15:7)
Example - Many people are suffering in silence today. They have failed to reconcile their conflicts with one another. Physicians tell us that the number one reason for high blood pressure related diseases is stress. Stress can be caused by internal strife that go left unresolved. Jesus told us that before we present our offerings before the altar, go and reconcile yourself with your brother and then come and present your offerings. (Matt. 5:24) To God, relationships are far more important than money given as a sacrifice to God’s service!!
III. HOW TO SEEK RESOLUTION OF YOUR CONFLICTS
A. Recognize your root differences - When you have a disagreement with someone, instead of thinking about how you will get back at the person, think and pray that the Lord will give you a spirit of wisdom and understanding into that person’s needs, both felt and real. If you are so pessimistic that you believe that the person is hopeless then he will probably act that way towards you.
``Love believes the best in every person.’’ (I Cor 13:7)
Example - Many of the problems of the family, the nation, and the economy stem from the fact that people do not trust one another. One man refused to leave the key to his spare parts room with his brothers because he did not trust them. Whenever, the man left on a journey the store had to close down. This man’s lack of trust impeded his own business, the prosperity of the family, and strained relations with everyone around him.
B. Be quick to hear the other person’s point of view. Be slow to respond without thinking first. (Prov. 18:13, James 1:19.)
C. Select the best time to talk. Do not be in a hurry to get your way. Meet with the person where you can speak without interruption. Meet where you will not be overheard by others. (I Cor. 13:4)
D. Clarify one another’s goals so that both of you know what is the most important thing God would like to accomplished. For instance, a wife may want money to buy a new rapper, but the husband may refuse to give her any money because he thinks the wife spends her money unwisely. Both the husband and wife should decide how they will budget their money. Both should know where the money is going and it will not be spent on less than necessary items. Psa 37-3-5 says,
``Commit your ways to the Lord and your thoughts will then become agreeable to His thoughts.’’ (Psa 37:3-5) Who then can argue with God?
E. Point out what are the root issues behind the conflicts. Ask yourself, ``What actions on the part of the other person is inappropriate to scripture and culture?’’ What are the main issues of disagreement and which minor ones are only extraneous matters? (John 15:5-7)
F. Be willing to admit your own contribution to the problem. James 5:16-18 says ``Confess your sins to one another and you will be healed.’’ People will open up to you when you are willing to share responsibilities for the disagreement. It takes at least two to make an argument.
G. Try not to blame, ridicule, or criticize a person directly, but address the issue at hand. Instead of saying. ``You are all wrong on this issue of ordination,’’ say, ``Would you think that the issue of ordination could be reconsidered.’’ Putting things in the form of questions rather than declarative statements sounds much less threatening.
H. Do not compare the actions of one man with another man. Paul calls those who do such things as men who do not have understanding. (II Cor. 10:12)
Example - ``When they measure themselves with one another they are without understanding.’’ (II Cor. 10:12)
I. Do not try to drag up past mistakes as Paul reminds us in Phil. 3:8-14, ``Forgetting those things which lie behind and reaching forward to that which lies ahead, I press toward the upright calling that is in Christ Jesus my Lord.’’
J. Address one issue at a time. Do not try to solve all your problems at once. It tends to compound and complicate matters for another person mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. (Phil. 3:14)
K. Address the other person without anger in your voice, face, or gestures. (Prov. 15:1)
``A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath.’’
L. Let the other person express his feelings and opinions before you share all your feelings and opinions. (Phil. 2:3,4)
M. Suggest several possible causes, effects, and solutions to the issues at hand. Resist the temptation to be dogmatic about your own opinions and ideas. Remember everyman’s ways are right in his own mind. (Prov. 14:12)
N. Ask the Lord to help you settle your differences with a mutually agreeable solutions. Do not expect to get your way all the time.
O. Concentrate on what you are responsible for. Do not wait to act until another initiates the first movements. (Matt 18)
P. Consider that pride is what leads many of us to arguments. Learn to be humble and take advice from others and enjoy the wisdom. (Prov. 13:10)
Q. ``If you refuse criticism from others your life will end in poverty and disgrace, but if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame.’’ (Prov. 13:18)
R. ``A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But, if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.’’ (Prov. 28:13)
S. Realize that many conflicts take time to solve. Be willing to work through the issues over several months or years.
T. I Thes. 5:14,15 says, ``And we urge you, brothers, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.’’
Example - Few people seem to realize that different people are motivated by different things. One coach recognized that some of his players were introverts and some were extroverts. When the introverts needed motivation, he would take them aside, put his arm around their shoulders and say, ``I believe your potential is great I am in support of your efforts 100% of the way.’’ To some of his more unruly extroverts the coach would say things like. ``What is wrong with you, are you not thinking, working, and concentrating? If you cannot play any better than that you will find yourself sitting on the sidelines for the rest of the season!!!’’ Both methods worked because the coach understood some simple principles of human psychology.
U. Remember that love is patient, most people consider that the biggest reason for conflicts is because people do not have enough patience. Maihakuri yakan dafan dutse, har ya sha romo. The Hausa proverb says,
The man who has enough patience will be able to cook a rock and get a stew from it. Meaning that the one who is patient enough will be able to get something from practically nothing!!!
IV. HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIRECTIONS AND TACTICS IN CONFLICTS
A. Avoiding the Conflict Can Be Useful but Also Manipulative
1). Tactics -
a). Postponement or putting off the task of addressing the real root issues.
b). Resorting to policies or formal rules which subvert the real human issues of love, compassion, and sensitivity to others feelings. Policies can be good if presented with a combination of love, liberty, and law-abiding attitudes.
c). Give the other person ideas about where you stand on the issues ahead of time.
d). Do not keep track of other people’s faults. Do not keep a record of others offense. Phil. 3:13b says, ``Forgetting that which lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.’’ Jesus warned us that unless we would forgive our brother for his sins, that He would not forgive our sins.
e). Do not use driver tactics where you try to bully or intimidate the other person into doing what you prefer by threatening them. Some people wrongly manipulate others in doing things their ways by use of force, authority, power, or influence. Jesus said, ``I am gentle and humble in heart.’’
f). Do not refuse to recognize that a root problem really exists. Ignoring the problem can make us just as guilty as those who refuse to obey the Lord. James 4:17 says, ``Anyone then, who knows the good he ought to do and fails to do it, to him it is sin.’’
B. Maintaining the Conflict, but Reaching An Agreement Between the People.
1. Reaching an agreement or compromise of the issue. In this case a husband and wife both decide to keep their money separate so they will no longer fight over how the money is used.
2. Realize that the many issues are not worth arguing over. ``The Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged.’’ (2 Tim. 2:24)
``A wise man overlooks another’s faults and he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.’’ (Prov. 19:11)
C. Some People Wrongly Escalate the Conflict
1. Do not call other people names or use labels which categorize others as one man said to his wife, ``You are a stupid, hopeless, and fruitless woman because you cannot cook.’’ (Matt. 7:1,2)
Jesus said, ``Do not look at the speck in your brothers eye before you remove the log out of your own eye.’’ (Matt. 7:1-3)
2. Issue expansion means that you will try to bring up other extraneous matters that are loosely related to the main point to increase the weight of your argument. One woman became so angry with her husband for coming home late that she said, ``You are a very distrustful man just like your whole family.’’ We should learn to address one issue at a time.
3. Coalition formation means that you find other people who can be on your side and intercede on your behalf. Hopefully, these people are powerful and able to act as mediators to calm the waters. In Matt. 5:9, Jesus said, ``Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God.’’
4. Do not threaten the other person with recrimination or future retaliation. Rom 12:19 says, ``Do not take your own vengeance, but leave room for the wrath of God.’’
5. Do not cut the other person out of the conversation by not allowing him to speak or have any voice in the matter. Usually, this forces the person to deal indirectly with the situation. Even Jesus Christ said, ``Do not let the little children be forbidden in coming to me, for of such is the kingdom of heaven inhabited by.’’
6. Do not personally attack the character of an individual. Rom. 12:4 says, ``Who are you to judge someone else’s servant. To his own master he stands or falls. And the Lord is able to make him stand.’’
Example - One man was known for his public character assassinations of others. Even though the man was highly educated, respected in the academic circles, few trusted him because of his piercing attacks on anyone with a critical tongue.
In this man’s efforts to ``Speak the truth’’ (as he perceived it) many people were offended, hurt, and discouraged from giving their best whenever this man was in the fellowship. The sad part of this story is that up to this day, the man is not even aware that he is hurting other people with his words, actions, and non-verbal avoidance tactics!
D. Try to reduce the conflict
1. Fractionation means to break the conflict into smaller issues and dealing with these one at a time. Again this demands patience. Matt. 5:25 says, ``Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.’’
2. Start with a question about how the other person thinks or feels about a situation. This helps you gain the advantage of seeing things from another’s viewpoint and they get to ventilate their feelings.
3. State your own perspectives and yet be willing to have them considered. Do not get mad if all of your ideas are not accepted. Remember they are not rejecting you but just some thoughts of yours
4. Recognize that most of the time we have to compromise with others so they get something and we get something. This may simply mean honoring the other person’s sense of self-worth.
5. Resist the temptation to criticize, attack, subvert, or get emotional so you can get your way unreasonably. (Rom. 12:7-21) Collins, pp. 245-249)
E. Case Studies in Conflict Resolution
1. In Luke 12:13-15 says, Jesus was approached by a man whose simple request was, ``Teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me.’’ Jesus turned to the individual and said, ``Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you? Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.’’
a). Jesus refused to enter into the conflict unnecessarily. We should also learn to avoid conflicts that are not our business
b). Jesus saw the importance in not getting entangled in civilian affairs so that He could concentrate on His priorities.
2. Acts 15:39 says, ``They had such a sharp disagreement (Paul and Barnabas) that they parted company.’’
a). Later Paul wrote Timothy asking for John Mark to be sent to him for he was useful to him in II Timothy
b). Later Paul wrote in Phil. 2:2 - ``Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, united in spirit intent on one purpose, striving together for the faith of the gospel.’’
c). Paul later realized the usefulness of John Mark perhaps through his own maturing and healing and forgiveness.
Example - Even though you may not be able to reconcile yourself with another immediately, prayer, time, and love will heal most conflicts between people. One man fought with his neighbor for years over a goat that apparently had gotten killed. The man was looking after the animal in the other man’s absence. After several years of anger toward one another, the younger man heard a sermon about conflict resolution and decided to try to reconcile matters. He went to the man’s house expressed his regret over the incident and asked the man if there was anything he could do to make the matter right between them. The man said, ``Yes you can buy me another goat.’’ The man said, ``Even though I do not have enough money to buy a goat I will work in your farm this rainy season for free. I want to do what I can to allow us to be friends again. Your friendship means a great deal to me!’’ When the older man saw the younger man working for the first three days, he came out weeping expressing his regret that he had gotten angry. Today they are best of friends!!
Conclusion - There are many ways to address conflicts that come our way. We must learn to fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. For the joy that was set before Him, Christ endured the cross despising the shame and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb. 12:1,2)
We must remember that different situations call for different approaches to our conflicts.
1). Recognize your root differences.
2). Be quick to hear the other person’s point of view. Be slow to respond before thinking first.
3). Clarify one anothers’ goals so that you know what is the most important thing you would like to achieve.
4). Point out what are the root issues behind the conflicts.
5). Be willing to admit your own contribution to the problem.
6). Try not to blame, ridicule, or criticize a person directly, but address the issue at hand. (James 1:19)
``But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.’’
Much of the ideas for the lesson have been adapted from Gary Collin’s Christian Counseling.
Study Questions
1. What are some of the causes, factors, and sources of conflicts between people?
2. How should we seek to resolve conflicts?
3. How should we recognize different tactics in dealing with conflicts between people?
4. Why is it important to recognize the root cause behind conflicts between people?
