HEART TALKS:
A Heart Like Abigail
(love)
(1 Samuel 25)
You weren’t expecting it.
You never saw it coming.
You were minding your own business when it happened.
You were standing in front of your locker at school, just talking with your friends, when all of a sudden the door opened and --WHAM!-- through the door walked your dream come true,
a combination of all the posters hanging on your bedroom walls,
the embodiment of all your fantasies,
the fulfillment of all your hopes,
and you knew,
like you never knew anything before,
that you were in love,
that here was the person you would marry,
that you had just met. . . .your destiny!
That’s how it’s supposed to happen, right?
That’s what love looks like, right?
That’s how people fall in love, right?
Well, not all the time. In fact, almost never.
Maybe it would be nice if that were the way it happened. I mean, everyone wants to love and be loved. And at this point in your lives, there may be nothing as powerful as that desire. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Without it, life would be, at best, incomplete--at worst, desperate. The yearning to give and receive love throbs in the heart of everyone, male and female alike.
That’s the way God designed us.
He placed the need for relationship inside each of us, and I believe He purposely made this yearning for love between a young woman and a young man so compelling . . . . But we must be careful, too, because a time when you are beginning to assert your independence from Mom and Dad and discover your own abilities and your own interests can be a dangerous time to begin exploring such a volatile type of relationship as the one that exists between a man and a woman who are in love.
People try in many different ways to discover true love,
real love,
a love that is strong and deep,
a love that lasts for all time.
Yet the pursuit of love has caused more
heartache and pain,
more brokenness and bitterness, than all the diseases and all the wars of history.
A lot of people struggle mightily to understand
what love is
and how they can find it.
Many are willing to give almost anything in order to experience love, particularly from someone of the opposite sex. To many teens, love does make the world go ‘round. Yet many--far too many--set themselves up for heartache, disappointment, and tragic miscalculations and mistakes because they lack a clear understanding of what love is--and what it isn’t.
Most of us don’t really know what love is; we confuse real love with other experiences and emotions. Consequently, we have no basis on which to evaluate the relationships we pursue and the decisions we make in search of real love. What we need--and what we most want to hear-- is a realistic and Biblical understanding of true love. So let me suggest to you first what love isn’t, and then I’ll try to show you what love is.
I What Love Isn’t
A. Real love isn’t the same as lust.
Rock singer Jon Bon Jovi made an insightful observation when he said, “[Today’s] songs are about lust, not love.” Lust and love are often confused in our minds, in our music, in our movies, in our magazines--in our whole culture, in fact. But love is much different from lust. Love gives; lust takes.
Love values; lust uses.
Love endures; lust subsides.
B. Real love isn’t the same as romance.
Some couples experience emotional fireworks when they kiss. Some guys can speak words that make a girl feel so good inside. Some girls can make a guy feel taller and stronger than anyone else, just by looking into his eyes. Candlelight dinners, mood music, slow dances, and starry skies can make a moment special. Romance can be wonderful, but it’s not love. Romance is a feeling; real love is much more.
C. Real love isn’t the same as infatuation.
Infatuation is a fascination with--an intense interest in--someone of the opposite sex. It can leave a young man or woman feeling breathless, lightheaded, starry-eyed, and addle-brained! Author Joyce Hugget describes infatuation as:
. . . .usually thoroughly ‘me-centered’ rather than ‘other centered.’ You fall for someone, you beguile yourself into believing yourself deeply in love with this person round whom your dreams revolve, you believe yourself ready to renounce your absorption with self for the sake of the well-being of this other person. Then, one morning, you wake up to discover that the euphoria has evaporated in the night. What is more, you find yourself held captive by identical feelings for another person.
When people talk about “falling in love,” or about “love at first sight,” they are usually talking about infatuation. Infatuation can be an overwhelming feeling; but it is not real love.
D. Real love is not the same as sex.
Many teens (and many adults as well) confuse the intensity of sex with the intimacy of love. However, the two are distinct.
Love is a process; sex is an act.
Love is learned; sex is instinctive. Love requires constant attention; sex takes no effort.
Love takes time to develop and mature; sex needs no time to develop.
Love requires emotional and spiritual interaction; sex requires only physical interaction.
Love deepens a relationship; sex (operating alone) dulls a relationship--and will often end up killing it.
Real love is not the same as lust, romance, infatuation, or sex.
Well, okay, if that’s what love isn’t, what is it?
To understand that, I want to refer you to
1 Samuel 25 in your Bibles, where we’ll meet Abigail, a woman who is mentioned in only a couple places in the Bible. Now, when David first met Abigail, she was already married, but late in the story, her husband dies and she becomes a widow. That’s where I want to direct your attention--to the end of the story first. So look at verse 39:
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Praise be to the LORD, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and has brought Nabal’s wrongdoing down on his own head." Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife.
His servants went to Carmel and said to Abigail, "David has sent us to you to take you to become his wife."
She bowed down with her face to the ground and said, "Here is your maidservant, ready to serve you and wash the feet of my master’s servants."
Abigail quickly got on a donkey and, attended by her five maids, went with David’s messengers and became his wife.
David obviously knew that he’d found the real thing. . . . he was in love! But nowhere in 1 Samuel 25 does it say, “David thought Abigail was hot,” or “David fell in love,” or anything like that. But this story of Abigail and David’s first meeting does give us some clues about what true love is built on.
Let me explain what I mean. The story starts when David, who was leading a ragtag army of men in exile, running from King Saul, who wanted to kill him, asked Nabal, the husband of Abigail, for some food. Now, in the midEastern culture, hospitality was something sacred--you never turned a visitor away, even if he had been your enemy; you welcomed him, washed his feet, fed him, and offered him a bed for the night.
But Nabal was a jerk! He acted rudely and refused hospitality to David and his men, even though David had been kind to Nabal’s ranch hands in the past. So, David and his men get on their horses and ride toward Nabal’s house to administer some ancient desert justice--they were going to kill Nabal and his entire household.
That’s where Abigail enters the story. She heard what her husband had done, and what David was about to do. So she went out to meet David. Then--look at verse 23 with me:
When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her donkey and bowed down before David with her face to the ground.
She fell at his feet and said: "My lord, let the blame be on me alone. Please let your servant speak to you; hear what your servant has to say.”
Now, I think here we get a clue as to what first attracted David to Abigail--no, men, it’s not because she fell at his feet like a slave. That’s not what’s happening here. . . . and if you expect the women in this room to do that for you, you’ll be a lonely, lonely man.
What Abigail did was to show her respect for David. It was a custom of the day to bow down before a visitor as a sign of respect. Abraham did the same thing when he was visited by three men at Mamre, in Genesis 18:2. The Bible says,
Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground.
So, the first characteristic of Abigail’s heart --and of David’s love for her-- was RESPECT.
I RESPECT
Now, let me tell you, if you really want to find true love, you need a heart like Abigail, a heart of respect. . . . and so does the person you love.
True love always includes respect. If you don’t treat someone with respect, you don’t truly love them.
I must admit I was rather surprised to find this out when I began dating the woman who became my wife. Now, I was a Christian, but I was also as. . . well, as horny as any 15-year-old boy. And believe me, Robin Wright was the prettiest, sexiest girl I had ever laid eyes on. But I never got sexual with the young woman who turned me on more than all the other women in the world put together. Why? Because I respected her so much that I couldn’t imagine her letting me get to first base. In my heart, I bowed to the ground before her and showed my respect.
But I didn’t just respect her physically. I respected her intellect, I respected her emotionally and socially. I respected the way she carried herself, as if she was going somewhere and I would be privileged just to go along with her.
So I would say to you today, if you want to find true love, look for someone you can respect. . . . and look for someone who will respect you.
So, Abigail’s heart was a heart of respect for David. . . and after he saw how she singlehandedly saved her husband’s neck, and her whole household, you can bet that David had a heart of respect for Abigail. But that wasn’t all. Let me direct your attention to 1 Samuel 25 again, to verse 26, and show you the next characteristic that I think generated love between Abigail and David:
"Now since the LORD has kept you, my master, from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hands, as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, may your enemies and all who intend to harm my master be like Nabal.
And let this gift, which your servant has brought to my master, be given to the men who follow you.
Please forgive your servant’s offence, for the LORD will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my master, because he fights the LORD’s battles.”
Now, I’ll stop there, because that’s enough to see that the second thing David and Abigail’s relationship was built on was. . . .
II Faith
If you read closely verses 26 all the way through 34, you’ll see that Abigail and David’s first conversation repeatedly mentioned the Lord, and their mutual faith in Him, and their common desire to be kept from doing wrong.
Abigail’s heart was a heart of faith, and it was a faith she had in common with David. Now, here’s an important point, because I strongly believe that a love relationship that doesn’t include a mutual faith in Jesus Christ as Lord is in trouble from the first moment, from the first date, from the first kiss!
If you desire a heart like Abigail’s, you must ask yourself, “Do I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?” and then you must ask yourself, “Does my boyfriend or girlfriend have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?” I don’t mean do you both go to the same church or the same Christian school or belong to the same denomination; I mean, do you both have a personal relationship with Christ?
The Bible warns us not to be “mismatched with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14, RSV). Why? Because two hearts that are serving different masters cannot grow closer together. I urge you, if you are involved with someone who does not share your love for Christ, end that relationship now! Why? Because if you want to know and experience the deepest, highest, strongest possible love, then you -and the person you love--will need to have a heart of faith, of mutual faith.
So I would say to you today, if you want to find true love, look for someone who loves the same Lord you love.
So, Abigail’s heart was a heart of respect and faith. Finally, if we look once more to 1 Samuel 25, we’ll see that her heart was also a heart of. . .
III Concern
Look at 1 Samuel 25:30 & 31. Abigail said to David,
When the LORD has done for my master every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him leader over Israel, my master will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself. And when the LORD has brought my master success, remember your servant."
Abigail’s last words to David revealed a heart of concern for David, that he be free from “the staggering burden of needless bloodshed.”
I don’t mean to suggest that Abigail’s motive was completely unselfish--she was fighting for her own life as well as that of her foolish husband--but then even true love is almost never completely unselfish. . . . but it is characterized by sincere concern for the happiness, health, and spiritual growth of another person.
The Word of God records the command, "love your neighbor as yourself"; it doesn’t command us to love anyone more than ourselves. We are to love God more than we love ourselves, but we are to love our neighbor, boyfriend, girlfriend, or our mate in marriage, as we love ourselves.
Ephesians 5:28 helps us understand the nature of love even better: "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself." What does it mean to love our own body as Scripture commands? The next verse explains: "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."
You see, God’s definition of true love means to nourish and cherish, to protect and provide for the happiness, health, and spiritual growth of another person- in the same way you protect and provide for your own happiness, health, and spiritual growth. True love will nurture and cherish that other person.
True love will not emotionally or physically exploit or abuse another person, therefore, because that does not nurture him or her; it does not cherish his or her happiness, health, and spiritual growth.
True love will not pressure a boyfriend or girlfriend to have sex outside of marriage, because that does not protect him or her; it does not provide for his or her happiness, health, and spiritual growth.
True love will not insist on the other person breaking off other healthy friendships, because that will not protect and provide for that person’s happiness, health, and spiritual growth.
Abigail showed a heart of concern for David’s happiness, health, and spiritual well-being, and I believe it was the characteristics of her heart--
a heart of respect,
a heart of faith, and
a heart of concern--
that prompted David to recognize the woman he wanted to marry.
Men and women, is that the kind of heart you have today?
Does your heart beat with respect for someone of the opposite sex?
Does your heart hold a common faith with that special someone?
Is your heart concerned with the health, happiness, and spiritual well-being of your boyfriend or girlfriend, or are you interested mainly in what you can get out of a relationship with him or her?
The answers to those questions, men and women, will reveal whether or not you truly love someone, or whether or not you’re ready to truly someone else.
If you have a heart like Abigail’s--whether you’re male or female--then and only then you’re ready to truly fall in love.
Let’s pray:
