A prestigious private school on Manhattan’s Upper West Side has recently outlawed the celebration of family holidays. In a letter to parents, they said, “after much thought and discussion, [we] will not be celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.” One of the school’s directors explained that, “these holidays are not needed to enhance our writing and arts programs.” The letter went on to say, “families are changing . . . there may be two fathers, two mothers, the mother may not have custody, it could be a grandmother. . . . [Our school has] many different family makeups [which require caring for] the emotional well-being of all the children.” They are concerned that celebrating these holidays, “may not be a positive experience for all children.” The school is bending to, even promoting, the politically correct concept that no one family arrangement is better than any other. The idea that living in an intact two-parent home is best for children has become terribly out of date in the minds of many who want to expand the definition of family to include almost anything.
But in the midst of this cultural war on the family, which says that a father is not necessary in the home, there is compelling research on the importance of fathers. Before I begin, let me say that I understand that for reasons of illness, death, desertion or divorce there cannot be a father in some homes. These situations are beyond the control of the mother. I do not want to discourage single mothers, but I do want to help men see their importance, not only in the home, but in the culture at large. The Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. has released evidence that the father seems to be a vanishing figure on the American scene. Tonight, nearly half of American children will go to sleep in a fatherless home, yet the need for fathers is great. Fathers are important. They are important because children without a father are almost twice as likely to drop out of high school. Seven out of 10 juveniles in long-term correctional facilities did not have a father while growing up. Most of those in gangs will have never known their father. Fatherless children will be more likely to use illicit drugs and abuse alcohol. Females who grow up without a father in the home are 111% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have premarital births, and 92% more likely to have a failed marriage of their own.
This is not to say that a single mother cannot raise good and healthy children, but it takes a great deal more effort. Almost all of the scientific, sociological studies being done confirm the fact that children brought up in a home with a father have a distinct advantage. They are healthier and happier than the average. And when that father takes his role seriously the figures are even more dramatic, especially for those homes where the father is a godly man with spiritual maturity.
I want to talk to fathers today and encourage you to continue to grow to a place of spiritual maturity in your spiritual life in order to make a definite impact on your children, family, and ultimately your world. The first thing I would ask of you men who are here today is: Take seriously your position of leadership in your home. Hear the scripture which says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-2). This is a very dangerous scripture to quote in many places, but listen to what these verses are really saying. Husbands are to be the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.
How is Christ the head of the church? Christ exercised servant leadership. In fact, it cost him his life. In the past men have taken this passage to mean that they are to be the boss, no questions asked, with no responsibilities. They were to give the orders and the wife was to obey. But listen to Jesus as he says, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:42-45). That is the kind of leadership Jesus exercised — he laid down his life for those who were in his spiritual family. I think most women would welcome that kind of leadership — leadership that was sacrificial and thought of others before self. Only the silly and immature believe that this means the man always gets his way and does not answer to anyone. Biblical leadership means that you give yourself to your wife and children as Christ gave himself for his body, the church. He gave up his prerogatives in order to come and serve his people. He was willing to suffer and sacrifice. He placed the good of his people before what may have been easiest and best for him. And in doing so he became the Savior of the church. If you are going to model the leadership of Christ, it means that you will place the interests of those in your home above your own. It means that you will make more sacrifices than any other person in the home. That is a part of your role as spiritual head and leader of the home. It means that you make decisions based on what is right, rather than how you feel. It means that you set the example spiritually by your obedience to God, your service to him and your time in prayer and reading of the Word of God.
If you are going to lead the home, then you must actively be a leader. You cannot be a passive person who plops down in front of the television with his remote, while calling out orders for your wife and children to serve you. A godly father is one who participates in the lives of the people in his home. He is active in the rearing of his children. He does not avoid responsibility; he seeks it. He sees his commitment to become responsible as a God-given calling. He provides the financial resources needed for his family. He is the one who makes sure the family is at church where their spiritual needs are ministered to. He is the primary one in the home who talks about God, right and wrong, and leading an honorable life. He leads by example by living out the values he espouses.
The second thing I would ask of you men who are here today is: Touch deeply the people who are in your home. This is the other part of fatherhood that often does not come naturally. Men tend to withdraw rather than engage people on an emotional level. Many times we are uncomfortable with feelings. But again, if we are to follow the example of Jesus we will learn how to risk showing our feelings and expressing them to the people in our homes. Jesus consistently expressed his deepest emotions to his followers — good and bad. To those closest to him he said things like, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” (Matthew 26:38). He showed his vulnerability, and talked of his fears and his need for the emotional support of his disciples, who were his family. He spoke of his love when he said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). Christ was never ashamed of his love. He expressed it. He never kept his followers guessing if he loved them. He did not expect them to know he loved them; he told them freely.
We can do better at communicating with the people in our homes. Why is it that men can so easily display the emotion of anger, while at the same time have such trouble expressing the emotion of love? I believe that when the Spirit of God comes into our lives he begins to free us to be fully alive. I believe that he frees us up to feel, and gives us the ability to express our God-given emotions. When Christ comes in, we begin to get in touch with the joy of life. We have hope and meaning. We begin to understand love in a whole new way, because the love of God has touched our lives. Because love has touched our lives, we are able to touch the lives of those in our home with love.
Our families need us to be involved at a deep level in their lives. If I had it to do over again, I would smile more and frown less. I would be more intentional about showing affection for my children. I would criticize less and praise them more. I would be in a better mood while I was around them. I would be more patient and less irritated. I would laugh more. I would read to them, and take them on more walks than I did. I would play with them on their level instead of making excuses about being tired. I would talk more about how much I loved them and enjoyed being with them. I would tell them that they were special to me and to God.
We are never more like God than when we show love for another human being. Someone has written this wonderful little piece of prose:
“If God had a refrigerator,
your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet,
your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He listens.
He can live anywhere in the universe,
yet He chooses your heart.
Face it, friend — He is crazy about you!”
The third thing I would ask of you men who are here today is: Truly seek the provision of God that you may be the spiritual leader in your home. Be the spiritual leader, not the follower. Real men are men of God. They have become mature enough to take responsibility in the home and touch deeply the lives of their loved ones. They also lead the family by becoming the most spiritual person in the house. Are you the most spiritual person in your home? If you want to be the head of the house, you must be the spiritual head of the house. I once had a man say to me, “My wife takes care of all the religion in our home.” It was almost like he would say, “I take care of the car, and my wife takes care of the dishes. I take care of the football games, and my wife takes care of the church stuff.” I suppose he thought his wife would come to the final judgment and make excuses for him as well.
In the Scripture reading today it spoke of the spiritual revival that would be brought about by Zechariah’s son, John the Baptist. The Bible described how this revival would affect the nation when it said, “Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous — to make ready a people prepared for the Lord” (Luke 1:17). When real revival comes it will turn the hearts of fathers back to their children. This is a necessary part of revival personally and socially. It transforms the home and the society at large. It is a sign of the moving of the Spirit of God on a person’s life.
We are to provide spiritual care for our families by giving them the spiritual nourishment they need. Jesus said, “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:9-11). What father, if his son asks him for spiritual bread, will give him a stone? You cannot meet spiritual needs with material means. And neither can you give spiritual food that you do not have. It is that spiritual food that will prepare your children for life and eventually take them to heaven.
Your children will get their concept of God from you, dad — whether good or bad. If you have been kind and generous, that will be their picture of God, their heavenly Father. If you have shown them love and forgiveness, that will be how they see their eternal Father. If you are faithful and good, that is how they will see God.
The 1992 Olympics in Barcelona helped show what God was like, because of the encouragement of a father. It was one of the memorable moments of sports history. Derek Redmond of Great Britain was attempting to live out a lifetime dream — winning a gold medal in the Olympics. He had competed and won a position in the semifinals of the 400-meter race. Derek got off to a great start, and he was running the race of his life. The finish line was in sight, when suddenly he felt a sharp, tearing pain in his right leg. He fell on his face with a torn hamstring. He knew the race was over for him, but he struggled to his feet before the medical team could get to him. And even though all the other runners had already gone around him, he began hopping down the track, determined to complete the race. Tears of pain and disappointment ran down his face, but he was resolute about finishing. Suddenly, a man bolted through the security guards on the sidelines and ran onto the track. It was Derek’s father. He grabbed his son and hugged him. He said, “You don’t have to do this.” “Yes I do,” Derek said in a determined voice. His father said, “Well, then, we’re going to finish the race together.” Derek’s father put his arm around his son, and waving off the security and medical personnel they headed toward the finish line. Limping and hopping together, they stayed in Derek’s lane all the way to the end. The pain sometimes made Derek put his head in his father’s chest. The breathless crowd watched the scene unfold. Then one by one, they rose to their feet, and began cheering the son’s determination and the love of a father who brought his son to the finish line.
Only by being men of God can we help our children to cross the finish line in life’s race. When that happens, you will be able to say with Jesus, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work” (John 4:34).
Rodney J. Buchanan
June 17, 2001
Mulberry Street United Methodist Church
Mt. Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
