June 17, 2001
In a pensive mood, reflecting on their long marriage, Ralph asked Henrietta the dreaded “If I die first” question:
Etta, dear, if I die first, would you remarry?
Henrietta replied, Probably, dear...our marriage has been so wonderful, and you’re so thoughtful I know you would want me to find happiness again.
Would you live here, in our house with your new husband? Probably, dear.
Would he sleep in our bed? Probably, dear.
Would you let your new husband use my custom-made Jack Nicklaus special Ping golf clubs?
Oh, no, dear, he’s left-handed.
There is something about the foundation of Henrietta and Ralph’s marriage that needs attention!
Many of you are aware that Carrie and Shannon have recently bought a house. The house they thought they would buy turned out to have major problems - besides a bank that wanted them to sign all those papers!
That first house had a foundation problem. The foundation was built improperly. Fifty years ago the code allowed 2” x 8” floor joists, spaced 24" apart. Today that is considered substandard. In addition, the basement leaks like a sieve. It leans in several directions! The construction was not exactly professional, having concrete blocks below the ground level, and only one row of bricks stacked four-high above.
In addition, due to the floor problems, previous owners had put poles in the basement to support the sagging floor. That added to the problem, rather than helping to solve it. As explained to me by the house inspector, when the poles took the weight off the sagging floor, it also took the load off the walls of the basement. That load is part of the strength of a basement wall.
Without the load from the covering floor, years of pressure from the outside dirt and water that won’t drain-off, have pushed-in the weakened walls to the point where collapse of the walls (and the fall of any Humpty Dumptys above) is imminent!
Now, that house is a picture of what has happened to marriage and the family in our society today. Divorce, like the basement poles, has become so simple, and prevalent in dealing with marital pressures, less than a third of marriages survive a dozen years any more. There are weakened walls in marriage everywhere.
Now, God knew those pressures (financial, relational, emotional) would be in marriage. In fact those pressures help a married couple become one flesh, which is God’s design. Like the pressure from above, those troubles drive us together to work out our marriage vows. Take away that weight, and the weakened walls of marriage cave-in to the weight of the dirt and stagnant-water-thinking society that says:
Give it up -- you don’t need him...
Pack it in, she’s not worth it!
Our society today suffers from crumbling walls of marriage and the home. Much of it is due to foundational problems.
This week’s THE DISPATCH carried Lynn Johnson’s cartoon strip, For Better or For Worse. The young girl, Elizabeth has grown up. She is considering moving in with her boyfriend. She says, …I was just thinking about what a serious step this is. Her boyfriend questions, A serious step? Elizabeth answers, Moving in with you! It’s a major commitment. I just want it to work out.
The boyfriend, in his youthful and infinite wisdom philosophically reassures her, Elizabeth, what we have together is magic! You are the most important thing in my life. Trust me. This will work out. Then, with shoulders shrugged, he adds, An’ hey! – If it doesn’t…we’ll move on! Man alive! Who couldn’t build on THAT foundation?
Well, it’s Father’s Day – the day when the collect calls come from everywhere. Mother’s Day had us tuned into why feminism doesn’t work. Today it is time for the men to belly-up to the table. Let’s look at what kind of materials we should bring to the construction of our homes, gentlemen. Dads, please consider five kinds of love that will build your home:
1. Sacrificial Love
25And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her Ephesians 5:25 (NLT)
Being sacrificial means being ready to give. Jesus willingly went to the cross for our sins. Paul says that husbands are to be like that. There is an alarming trend against unselfishness these days. Dr.
Willard Harley, a psychologist and marriage counselor, writes:
…during courtship, it’s not uncommon for women to join men in hunting, fishing, watching football, or other activities they would never choose on their own. They want to spend as much time as possible with men they like, and that means going where the men like to go.
If a woman finds that she just can’t tolerate the man’s favorite activities, they generally break up. But if she can hang on and become his recreational companion, that friendship is likely to lead to a marriage. Without recreational companionship, few couples would ever fall in love.
After marriage, though, wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If the wife fails in her attempts, she usually encourages her husband to continue his own recreational activities without her and she begins other activities. Within a few years, a husband and wife often find themselves in completely different activities, with new recreational companions. I consider this a very dangerous trend.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. . . . Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9, 11
Being able to change your husband or wife’s activity patterns may be possible, but that doesn’t mean the person inside has been changed at all.
My daughter, Jennifer sent me an Email this week about a man in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. He thinks to himself, I’m not getting out of bed at this time, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
Aren’t you going to answer that? says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door. There stands a man; it didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was dead drunk.
Hi there, slurs the stranger. Can you give me a push?
No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed, says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
But the guy was drunk, says the husband.
It doesn’t matter, says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.
So the husband gets out of bed, gets dressed again, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, Hey, do you still want a push? And he hears a voice cry out, Yeah, please.
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, Where are you? The drunk replies,
Over here – on the swing.
Selfish is nowhere near sacrificial!
2. Purifying Love
26to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word. Ephesians 5:26 (NLT)
The love that Jesus has for the church is purifying. When you hear a sermon from the Word of God, and you respond properly, you walk away feeling better, cleansed, whole. It is to be that way, gentlemen, in the way you love your wife.
Let me give you the principle about purifying love…Any time you tear-down your wife with cutting remarks you are hating her and not loving her. Lifting is the result and hallmark of purifying love.
Did you see the movie, Father of the Bride? Father of the Bride is a touching comedy-drama dealing with a father’s feelings about giving his daughter away in marriage….Toward the end of the film, the day of the wedding has finally arrived … and things couldn’t be going worse. For one thing, there is snow, lots of it-in southern California, no less!
The wedding planners are caught up in shoveling rather than organizing the reception. The florist is trying desperately to thaw out the freshly planted walkway tulips … with a hair dryer. The swans that were supposed to be floating gracefully in a newly-built fountain pool are instead warming themselves in the porcelain tub of an upstairs bathroom! All of this for George’s beloved daughter.
But what about his wife, Nina (played by Diane Keaton)? Has she been forgotten? It appears so, until one poignant scene. George stands at the front door, in a hurry to be on time for the ceremony in the garden. He glances up. There at the top of the stairs is Nina, his wife of many years, smiling down at him….Nina is radiant, gorgeous. And at that moment George recalls that he, too, (still) has a bride on this day.
He looks at her again … and sees beauty. We hear him thinking, I knew I’d never be able to remember what Nina wore that day. But I also knew I’d never forget the way she looked.
He hugs and kisses her. Nina, he says. You shouldn’t look this beautiful. It’s not fair to the bride.
Gentlemen, that’s lifting! That’s purifying love!
3. Caring Love
27He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.
Instead, she will be holy and without fault.
Ephesians 5:27 (NLT)
Jesus’ first act of caring for the church was to die for us. But He has been working on our care ever since, seated at the right hand of the Father, interceding for the saints.
34Who then will condemn us? Will Christ Jesus?
No, for he is the one who died for us and was raised to life for us and is sitting at the place of highest honor next to God, pleading for us.
Romans 8:34 (NLT)
There are many levels of caring love.
Physical
You are a caring lover when you provide for the physical needs of your wife and family – food, shelter, clothing, and an education.
Emotional
You are a caring lover when you listen – without trying to solve every problem – just pay attention.
Typically women want to talk about a problem and share how she is feeling about it; men want to get out of a problem and solve it. Gary Smalley shared how he agreed one time to go shopping for a blouse with his wife. He admitted he really didn’t go shopping (that’s what his wife does); he wanted to track a blouse – hunt it down and kill it, then bring home the carcass.
Another pastor constructed this imaginary conversation to illustrate the point:
You’re lying in bed and your wife says to you
“I had terrible day at work.”
And you say, “Why don’t you quit?”
She says, “I don’t want to quit. I was just trying to tell you I had a hard day.”
You say, “If you didn’t want my opinion why did you ask for it?”
She says, “Just forget I said anything.”
You say, “I will.”
Spiritual
Cherishing is the word our King James Bible uses. It means loving in the agape’ sense – doing what is best for the other person. If there is any role a husband must not shirk in the home it is spiritual leadership.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
I can’t, Dear, she said, I have to sleep with your Daddy.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, The big sissy.
Gentlemen, you may be politically-incorrect in these times if you duck-out on vacuuming the floors, changing the diapers, or washing the dishes. For that you might spend some days in the doghouse – and probably rightfully so, if your wife works, and you should be sharing the household tasks.
On the other hand, if you duck-out on being the spiritual leader in your home, you’re in trouble with a lot higher authority than the political-correctness weenies. You’re in trouble with God!
A man exercising caring love will stand straight, and lead his family in the ways of serving the Lord. My Dad’s brothers and sisters ridiculed him for most of his life because he didn’t drink, and for being a church sissy, taking time to involve his family in the things of Christ. But I am here this day because of that kind of leadership. I wouldn’t trade my Dad for a thousand party-going fathers who can’t give God the time of day.
4. Unbreakable Love
28In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives
as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. 29No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church.
Ephesians 5:28-29 (NLT)
Christ cares for the church, His own body. In that way, gentlemen, your wife is part of you. To break that woman’s heart with your own infidelity is to squeeze the lifeblood out of your own heart. Think about that!
5. Christ-filled Love
30And we are his body. 31As the Scriptures say,
“A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
Ephesians 5:30-32 (NLT)
How did Christ leave his father and mother to cleave to his wife? I’m glad you asked. In heaven, before the foundation of the world (Col. 3), Jesus and the Father (His Father) had a conversation about you and me.
The Father said, Jesus, you know they’re going to sin and die, don’t you.
Jesus answered, Yes, Father.
The Father said, They’ll never save themselves – can’t be done.
Jesus: I know.
The Father: They will need a Savior.
Jesus: I’m ready.
Jesus left his home and came to be the bridegroom. The church is the bride, and someday Jesus is coming back. But, in the meantime, the bridegroom and the bride are one – united forever by the blood on Calvary’s cross.
Gentlemen, the greatest love you can express for your wife and children, or your parents, or your world is that of Christ-in-you, the hope of glory. Are you part of the bride of Christ? Are you His? On this Father’s day, can you truly say that you have a heavenly Father?
The Conclusion
Elizabeth and I met Mrs. Thomas standing in line to vote. (Actually it was outside, because we were waiting for the police dog to clear the building of a bomb threat).
Mrs. Thomas works for an "ear doctor". She told us about one man who she had called to advise that his hearing aid had come in. The man was so happy, he jubilantly thanked Mrs. Thomas, saying, Oh thank you, I appreciate that...I love you, bye.
Later that day the man’s wife called Mrs. Thomas to explain the rest of the story. Her husband had been anticipating that hearing aid for so long, he was so happy to get the phone call from Mrs. Thomas. Hearing the good news, he had absent-mindedly fallen into his pattern of conversation reserved for his loved ones, wife, daughters and sons. His I love you only registered after he had hung-up the phone.
He was so embarrassed, he told his wife, I can’t go down there and face that woman (Mrs. Thomas), What am I gonna do?
Well, the man’s wife knew -- she convinced him to go down there. She told him, Go right at the time of your appointment -- maybe she won’t notice you.
Then, secretly, his wife arranged for Mrs. Thomas to have a long stemmed red rose (the lover’s choice) ready.
When the man slipped into the doctor’s office, he silently, cautiously approached the desk. He asked a busy Mrs. Thomas, Do you have my hearing aid? She looked up, smiled and handed him his hearing aid...and, a beautiful red rose.
Mrs. Thomas then leaned over the desk in the man’s direction, smiled sweetly and whispered, I love you too!
The man turned ashen, his jaw-dropped, and he was speechless. And then, his wife who had been hiding behind the front desk jumped out and took his picture!
Does that kind of playful, loving spirit exist in your home, gentlemen? It can. The building materials are five kinds of love.
