Becoming One Flesh
Part 3, How to Fight Effectively.
Proverbs, various.
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, ’get out from under the bed and fight like a man’."
Every married couple has disagreements. You cannot be married to someone
and not disagree. You cannot be married to someone and not hurt their feelings with
your words at one point or another. It simply can’t be done.
Words have power in them. It is amazing the power words have. They have
the power to lift people out of anxiety, to make them feel guilty because of their sin,
to destroy trust and to build resentment.
Words in marriage are even more powerful. When we use words in a harmful
manner a wall of resentment and anger is built between us and our mates. That wall
inhibits us from expressing our feelings for our mate and it ruins the sense of closeness
and trust we have in that person.
The Bible has much to say about words and how they are used.
James, Jesus brother, wrote: "The tongue is an uncontrolable evil set on fire
by hell."
Pretty graphic words.
God commands that we control our tongues in our relationships with people.
I want to talk about the use of our tongues within mariage but these principles apply
to all of our relationships. The scriptures I am going to use are from Proverbs, turn
there if you will, and they were not necessarily written for marriage but for all of our
dealings.
I am going to apply them to marriage today but these principles apply to
every relationship we have.
THESIS STATEMENT:
A godly tongue: overlooks an insult, give a gentle answer, and seeks to build
up and not destroy.
I. Proverbs 12:16, "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an
insult."
A. Insults are deadly to a marriage or any other relationship.
Namecalling.
Sarcasm.
Backhanded compliments.
B. We shouldn’t use them.
1. It’s tempting, it’s so tempting to use insults to get back at our mate
when they make us angry.
2. When we get angry one of our first impulses is to strike out and defend
ourselves.
a. We don’t want to be hurt.
b. We don’t want someone to have one up on us in an argument.
3. We cannot live with our mates if we are consistently wounding them
with what we say.
a. Every time we direct an insult toward someone, especially our
mate, we sever a part of the emotional cord which binds
us together.
b. Using insults within marriage destroys trust, alienates, and
ruins our ability to communicate effectively.
C. We should ignore insults or respond to them without being vicious.
1. Ignore the insult.
b. It has no power to hurt if you don’t let it.
c. When we choose to respond to an insult with an insult it makes
us equal with the person doing the insulting.
d. We are called by God to be more mature than that.
2. Respond gently if a response is needed.
a. Say, "I’m really less inclined to listen to you when you use
those kind of insults."
b. We can express our displeasure without resorting to retaliation.
3. Understand why the insult was made.
a. What they say is designed to hurt you because they have
been hurt.
b. Why have they resorted to using an insult?
i. Did you insult him first?
ii. Did you hurt her feelings?
iii. Weren’t you really listening to her when she was trying
to explain something?
iv. Did you refuse to understand his point of view?
c. Sometimes insults are used because we have wounded our
mate in some way. A wise husband or wife ignores the
insult and tries to understand the underlying issue.
TRANSITION: The second guidline God gives us regarding our tongues is related to
the first. It is found in Proverbs 15:1. Not only are we to ignore an insult, we are to
respond to anger with gentleness.
II. Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
A. Our mates are not enemies to be defended against.
1. We can be very defensive with our mates.
2. We have to be careful with our words when they are angry or we
could do real damage to our relationship.
3. Being defensive and responding to their anger with our own anger
builds resentment and increases the chance that we will say something hurtful to them that they will not be able to forget.
4. No matter how angry our mate is and no matter how badly they
have lost control of their temper, we need to respond gently
so we will not damage them.
a. But he or she is damaging me by losing his her temper.
Don’t I have the right to defend myself?
b. Yes but do it calmly and without raising your voice or
resorting to mean sarcastic remarks which will only
alienate that person.
c. Remember, you vowed to live your whole life with this
person, the more damage you do with your words,
the harder it will be to stay together.
d. Just because she has lost her temper doesn’t mean you
should also. Just because he is ranting and raving
doesn’t mean you should be mean in return.
B. Proverbs 12:18, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the
wise brings healing."
1. Reckless words pierce like a sword.
a. A sword cuts and tears at the body. It does damage to
flesh, muscle, and bone.
b. Words can cut and damage just the same. Physical damage
is not done but emotional and mental damage are.
c. The damage done by words can damage and leave lasting
scars and handicaps to our relationships.
d. Words are not easily forgotten and when they are tossed
around carelessly they can cause wounds which do not
heal.
2. The toungue of the wise brings healing.
a. The wise wife or husband, friend or relative uses words which
create healing and which build relationships.
b. When confronted with anger the wise spouse responds with
words which promote healing.
c. "I realize you’re angry ...
C. Express yourself gently.
1. Don’t be a doormat that your spouse walks on.
2. Express your ideas and opinions firmly but do it calmly and gently
without resorting to sarcasm, anger, or insult.
3. It is possible to be calm and still get our point across.
III. A godly tongue seeks to build up and not destroy. Proverbs 16:24, "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."
Our words to our mates should seek to build them up, not tear them down.
It is easy to tear each other down, especially when we are angry. Those harmful words
do not achieve the result we desire. They alienate.
Kind words, however, build the bond we have with our mate. Encouraging
words, thankful words, appreciative words build that relationship and make it stronger.
There are many things around us which tear us down and wear us out.
Our relationship with our husband or wife should be one of those things which
lifts us up. It should be a relationship which restores our faith in ourselves which lifts
us beyond the everyday grind, which is a sanctuary for us from the pressures we feel
outside our homes.
Using our tongues in positive, uplifting ways can those things true. Using our
tongue to encourage, express love, express respect, express gratefulness, and express
appreciation makes our marriages strong enough to weather the storms we will face.
Conclusion:
Proverbs 25:11, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."
Sweet and beautiful to hear.
God calls on us to use our words carefully within our marriages and within all of
our relationships.
He calls on us not to repay insult for insult but to repay insult with gentleness.
He calls on us not to repay angry words for anger but to respond to anger with
gentleness and self-control. He does not tell us to be doormats but to respond to anger
with dignity and respect for God’s creation rather than anger which hurts.
He call on us to use our tongues for good. Encouragement, thanksgiving, respect,
and love.
