The Perils of Parenting: When Families Fail
Eph. 6:1-4; Luke 15:11-32; 2 Samuel
Introduction
What happens when families fail?
For the last two weeks we’ve been talking about parenting in times of peril.
Two weeks ago we looked at a young mother named Hannah who was able to raise her son Samuel to be a godly man despite living in a world of overwhelming religious hypocrisy.
Last week we talked about staying on target in our parenting - doing everything we can to help our children grow up to love and follow Jesus Christ with all of their heart, all of their soul, all of their mind, and all of their strength. I encouraged you to make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil, modeling and coaching your children towards spiritual excellence.
Today we want to talk about what happens when families fail. What happens when our kids aren’t turning out the way that we planned? What happens when our kids seem to be rejecting our values and all that we have taught them?
For many parents, it’s the teen-age years that bring this tension to a crescendo. There’s something about adolescence that changes the relationship between parents and children. The following letter illustrates this tension clearly:
Dear Parent,
This is not a normal chain letter! At the bottom of this letter you will find a list of eight names and addresses. Please send your teen-ager to the person at the top of this list. Then add your name to the bottom of this list and send the letter out to seven others.
In approximately two weeks you will receive 1024 teen-agers at your home. Simply choose the one that you like.
WARNING! One parent broke this chain and got back his own teen-ager.
For many parents that letter captures the frustrations that they feel in raising teenagers. And yet James Dobson asked hundreds of teens what they would like to tell their parents. Their answers might surprise you:
* Teach us about God and spiritual things.
* Guide us towards good marriages by modeling a good one.
* Don’t curse and smoke, if you don’t want us too.
* Be consistent and follow through on things.
* Play with your kids.
* Tell us that you love us often.
* Look for good things in kids and not just the bad.
* Don’t pressure us too much to excel.
* Believe us and believe in us.
* Talk to us straight about sensitive subjects.
I don’t have to tell you that parenting is a difficult task. Developing a quality parent-child relationship can be a real struggle, not just for the parent, but also for the child.
You can see that struggle in the words of our first scripture for today, found in the New Testament book of Ephesians:
Ephesians 6:1-4 NIV
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother"-which is the first commandment with a promise- 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Do you see the tension in those twin commands? Children are to obey their parents in the Lord. Many children have heard this verse repeated to them over and over again as they grew up.
But the second command is equally important:
Ephesians 6:4 NIV
4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
The word "exasperate" means to provoke your child either to anger or to discouragement. Many parents exasperate their children, either intentionally or unintentionally. While exasperating your children is never an excuse for their disobedience, it can be a significant cause of that disobedience.
As we look at the reasons why families fail, it’s tempting for both parents and children to use these verses to point out one another’s faults - for children to point out the way their parents exasperate them and for parents to remind their children of the ways that they disobey. But that’s not God’s desire - he wants us to use these verses to look inward. He wants children to ask, "Am I obeying my parents in the Lord?" and he wants parents to ask, "Am I exasperating my children?"
I want to share two stories from the Bible that look at failed families. Be forewarned - these are not fairy tales, and one of the stories has a decidedly unhappy ending. But I pray that as you look at these two families, both parents and children will look inward and ask the Lord what they need to learn.
Absalom
In the first story both parent and child have made mistakes. They have frustrated one another and as a result their communication has disintegrated. Eventually this distant relationship between father and son turned into open rebellion. And that open rebellion resulted in terrible tragedy.
That story -- the story of David and his son Absalom -- is found in the Old Testament book of 2 Samuel. It’s a long story that extends over several chapters, so I’ve condensed the story for you.
King David is celebrated in the Bible as "a man after God’s own heart." But he also had some tragic flaws. You see, David, while a great king, was not a very great father. The trouble started when he lusted after a woman named Bathsheba, had her brought to his palace, slept with her, and then sent her home. A short time later he received word that she was pregnant.
In an effort to cover up his sin, he arranged to have her husband Uriah sent back from the battlefront, but Uriah refused to sleep with his wife while his men were in the field. So David made arrangements for Uriah to be killed in battle.
That’s the part of the story that we might be familiar with. But there’s more.
Some time later one of David’s other sons, Amnon, raped his half-sister Tamar. Though David was aware of the incident, he apparently did nothing about it. But Absalom, another of David’s sons, did. Angered at his sister’s disgrace, he killed Amnon. Then, fearing for his life, he fled Jerusalem into the wilderness. Again, David did nothing.
When Absalom finally returned to Jerusalem where his father was king he received no welcome, no greeting, no forgiveness. In fact, David refused to meet with him at all.
A short time later, angered at his father’s rejection, Absalom began to build a political power base within the city, seeking the favor of the people. Soon he was leading a full-scale rebellion against his father David.
King David was forced to flee the city in disgrace. Basking in his victory, Absalom entered David’s palace, went up to the rooftop, and slept with his father’s concubines, publicly shaming his father in a clear sign of open rebellion.
The story of David and Absalom is a powerful example of what happens when families fail. It’s clear that David was a father who exasperated his children, not just once, but over and over again. He exasperated them by committing adultery and murder, even though he was a man of great faith. He exasperated them by refusing to discipline his son Amnon when Amnon was guilty of a horrible crime against his sister Tamar. And, although David himself had received forgiveness from God for his own sins, he exasperated his son Absalom by refusing to extend that forgiveness to Absalom when he returned to the city.
It’s also clear that Absalom was disobedient to his father. He took matters into his own hands in killing his half-brother Amnon. He fled the city in order to escape the punishment for his crime. He failed to go to his father and ask for forgiveness, insisting that his father first come to him. And he rebelled against his father’s authority by leading an open rebellion against the king.
Neither father or son did anything to try and restore communication, much less relationship with one another. And the result was tragedy.
Prodigal
The second story is also about a son who openly rebelled and rejected his father’s values. But, in this case, the father did nothing to exasperate his child. Instead, he gave his son the freedom to make bad choices, despite the inevitable consequences. But he didn’t stop there. He didn’t sit back and say "I told you so." Instead, he extended the open arms of forgiveness and grace to his wayward son. That story is found in Luke chapter 15.
Luke 15:11-24 NIV
11 Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ’Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 "Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 "When he came to his senses, he said, ’How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 "The son said to him, ’Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 "But the father said to his servants, ’Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
This is often called the story of the lost son, but is perhaps more appropriately entitled "The Loving Father." It is a story of a Father’s love for his son, even after his son rejected him.
I have shared this story several times with parents whose children were rebelling. Perhaps they were on drugs or sleeping with a boyfriend or a girlfriend or making other bad choices. In many of these homes the children were engaged in an ongoing battle with their parents for control. And almost always, the parents felt guilty and blame themselves for their children’s rebellion.
No parent, of course, is perfect. All of us make mistakes in our parenting. There are things that we would all do differently if given a second chance.
Perhaps, like David, we’ve neglected our children’s welfare by focusing too much attention on our public lives and not enough on our family lives.
Perhaps, like David, we’ve exhibited weak leadership at home, failing to administer appropriate discipline and correction when it was needed.
Perhaps your failure is in another area.
In fact, it’s a good idea to regularly ask ourselves "How am I exasperating my child?" and, when appropriate, to apologize to our children when we do things wrong.
I’m convinced that one of the ways in this community that we exasperate our children is by over-scheduling their lives. And, while I swore that this would never happen in my family, it did.
The month of May has been a very busy month for my eight-year old son Michael. He was involved in King’s Kids, a weekly small group at church, and Cub Scouts. All three were on separate days of the week and scheduling was not a problem. But then T-Ball started. And with it came practices and games three times a week.
I first noticed the problem the week before Kings Kids. Michael was double-scheduled both nights of dress rehearsals, so he ended up starting a T-Ball game, then leaving early to get to church on time. That was the week he told me he needed a Palm computer to keep track of his schedule, because he was so busy. I assured him that things would slow down by the end of the month, but 30 days is a long time to an eight-year old.
Last week, he had to leave small group early in order to be on time to a T-Ball game. I carefully explained that we had exactly 30 minutes to leave the church, drive to our home in Bolingbrook, change into his uniform, eat a cheeseburger from Burger King, and then to drive to the T-Ball field - so there was no time to waste.
We arrived at the T-Ball field on-time, but with a half-eaten hamburger and a little boy who was in tears because his life was so busy. All of my efforts to explain that this was only one day and that his team needed him fell on deaf ears. All he wanted to do was to go home and be a kid.
Thanks to an understanding and compassionate coach, Michael ended up playing T-Ball that night, and came home smiling. But I spent most of my time in the stands pondering. It was clear to me that instead of protecting my son and allowing him to be a kid, I was exasperating him instead. And I resolved to be much more protective of his time in the future.
All of us fail as parents, whether in big ways or in small ones. And, when our children rebel, it’s easy to take all of the blame. We’re helped along in feeling guilty by a society that is all too ready to blame the parents for the failures of their children.
But imagine for just a moment that you were the perfect parent. Every time you made a parenting decision you made the right one. You always spent enough time with your children, always listened and understood, and always knew what was best for them and their future.
I know that’s hard to imagine, but let me ask you: "If it were true, would you prevent your family from failing? Would your children turn out perfect, too?"
While we might think so, the marvelous lesson of this story is that even if we were perfect parents, our children might still rebel. We know this because this story is a metaphor. The father in this story is God, the rebellious child the sinners who rejected God and His ways, the older brother the Pharisees who were upset at God’s mercy and forgiveness.
And we know that God did everything right. As a father to the people of Israel, he was perfect. His rules and regulations for his children were perfect, meant to protect them and not to restrict them. And God was a patient father, giving love and forgiveness to his children. As far as parents go, no one could be better.
Yet in the story the son still rebelled. He still rejected his father’s rule. He went far away to get out of his father’s sight. In his pride he assumed he was self-sufficient and had no need for his father’s values. He left home with his father’s money and no intention of coming back.
The good news in this story is that even God, the perfect parent, had children who rejected him and his ways. Not just in this story from Jesus, but going all the way back to the Garden of Eve.
The other good news is that, like the prodigal in this story, sometimes those children come to their senses and come back home.
The Mineola Messenger printed an article entitled "Children and Their Changing Attitude Towards Their Parents." Let me read it to you:
Age 4: "My parents can do anything"
Age 8: "There might be one or two things they don’t know."
Age 12: "Naturally, my parents don’t understand."
Age 14: "I never realized how hopelessly old fashioned they are."
Age 21: "You would expect them to feel that way; they are out of date."
Age 25: "They come up with a good idea now and then."
Age 30: "I wonder what Mom and Dad think I should do?"
Age 40: "Let’s be patient until we discuss it with our parents."
Age 50: "What would Mom and Dad have thought about it?"
Age 60: "I wish I could talk it over with them one more time."
In the biblical story we read that the younger son first came to his senses, then came back home. He recognized that he had sinned against his father and damaged their relationship. He was ready to come back not as a son, but as a servant.
But the whole time this younger son had been gone, his Father kept on loving him, kept on praying for him. And when he finally came home, his Father was there to welcome him with open arms. The Bible says that when he saw his son, he ran out to greet him. All was forgiven, and the relationship between father and son was restored. The loving father threw a big party to celebrate the fact that his son was lost, but now found; dead, but alive again.
Of course, not all these stories have a happy ending. Not all children return home. Not all fathers accept their children back with open arms. Sometimes time simply runs out. That’s what happened to David and Absalom.
David and Absalom never had the opportunity to restore their relationship. David never had time to tell Absalom of the mistakes he had made, and of how much he loved him.
David had given explicit instructions to his army that his son Absalom was not to be harmed. But Joab, the commander of David’s forces, disregarded that order and killed Absalom himself, thrusting three javelins into his heart and then having his men finish him off with swords.
Joab then sent two messengers to David to tell him that the rebellion was over, that Absalom’s army had been defeated, and that David’s rule as king was now secure.
It should have been a day of celebration, but it became a day of mourning instead:
28 Then Ahimaaz called out to the king, "All is well!" He bowed down before the king with his face to the ground and said, "Praise be to the LORD your God! He has delivered up the men who lifted their hands against my lord the king."
29 The king asked, "Is the young man Absalom safe?"
Ahimaaz answered, "I saw great confusion just as Joab was about to send the king’s servant and me, your servant, but I don’t know what it was."
30 The king said, "Stand aside and wait here." So he stepped aside and stood there.
31 Then the Cushite arrived and said, "My lord the king, hear the good news! The LORD has delivered you today from all who rose up against you."
32 The king asked the Cushite, "Is the young man Absalom safe?"
The Cushite replied, "May the enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up to harm you be like that young man."
33 The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you-O Absalom, my son, my son!"
Parents, time is short! In a blink of an eye our children are grown and gone. God has only granted us a few short years to invest in the lives of our children. Life is too short to let sin - ours or our children’s - stand in the way of reconciliation and forgiveness. It’s too short to let stubborn pride prevent us from fixing broken relationships.
If you fear that your family is failing, I urge you to remember the story of David and Absalom.
I urge you to remember the words of Ephesians 6:4:
4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
But, above all, I urge you to remember the story of a loving Father, who watched and waited and prayed for his son to return, and when he did, gave him not what he deserved, but what he needed - the open arms of unconditional love and forgiveness.
Invitation
The story of the loving Father and a lost son is not just a story about parenting. It’s our story. God is our Father, we are his lost children. He’s waiting for us to come home - no matter who we are or what we have done. And he’s promised to welcome us with the open arms of unconditional love and forgiveness.
And although it’s our disobedience that caused us to leave home, it’s not our obedience that brings us back. Instead, we can come back because Jesus has already paid the penalty for our sins and opened the door for us to return home.
Romans 3:21-26 NLT
21 But now God has shown us a different way of being right in his sight-not by obeying the law but by the way promised in the Scriptures long ago. 22 We are made right in God’s sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done.
23 For all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet now God in his gracious kindness declares us not guilty. He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins. 25 For God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God’s anger against us. We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed his blood, sacrificing his life for us. God was being entirely fair and just when he did not punish those who sinned in former times. 26 And he is entirely fair and just in this present time when he declares sinners to be right in his sight because they believe in Jesus.
The penalty has been paid. God is calling you to come home. He’s standing and watching with open arms, ready to run out to meet you. All he’s waiting for is for to turn back to him.
