In the Scripture reading this morning, we find one of the most dysfunctional families in the Bible. The irony is that it is a family led by one of the most godly men in the Old Testament — King David. David is described as a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14), and he was. But he was also a man with glaring faults — faults that came with the acquisition of power. Faults that came because he failed to be honest, guard his heart and recognize how destructive these faults were becoming in his life. In his pride and spiritual blindness, he took another man’s wife and had her husband killed. He already had several wives, as was the custom of kings in those days, but he still wanted one more. When his sin was finally exposed, as it always is, it became known to his whole family and had a disastrous impact. His son Amnon imitated his behavior and raped his half-sister — Tamar, the sister of Absalom. David was angry, but did nothing to Amnon, and as a result, Absalom became increasingly bitter. He lived in rebellion against his father. David failed to live as a model for his sons, and he failed to expect moral and ethical behavior from them — perhaps out of guilt for his own moral failure. His parenting style is reflected in the scripture that talks about one of his rebellious sons and says, “His father had never interfered with him by asking, ‘Why do you behave as you do?’” (1 Kings 1:6). As a result of his poor parenting and poor example, enormous pain entered the family. Since David did nothing to correct his son’s abhorrent behavior, his son Absalom decided to take matters into his own hands. He killed his brother Amnon. The family was hopelessly divided — the relationships between them desperately sick. All because a man failed to carry his relationship to God over into his relationship with his family. He failed to show honor to his wives, and accepted the ways of the world — after all, this is how kings treat women. He never questioned the culture in which he was raised. He failed to take the time to do the tough job of being a parent. And because of these personal failures, his family was among the walking wounded — even though he saw himself as a man of God.
David’s story is just one among many in his world, and the hurts present in families today are just as real and complex. Hurts happen. They happen in every home. There are issues of power and control, personality differences, finances, different ways of handling children, insecurity, competition, misunderstood feelings and unmet needs, abuse and unfaithfulness. But in spite of some of these very serious hurts, healing can also happen in our homes. However, healing will not happen by ignoring the problems or pretending they do not exist. Healing will not happen if you are unwilling to face the problem and avoid doing the hard work of being honest with yourself about the issues and confronting them.
Let me begin this discussion on healing the hurts in families by asking: “What are the steps to healing our relationship with God?” In our relationship with God there must first be honest confession. Secondly, there must be a willingness to turn from our error. Third, we have to open our hearts for God to come in. The same thing is true in all of our relationships. God’s plan for restoring our relationship with him is a pattern for healing and restoring our relationships with others. Healing the relationships in our homes involves honest confession, a willingness to stop the things that hurt the other person, and opening our hearts to them once again and allowing them to come in.
If the hurts in our homes are going to be healed, first of all: There must be honest confession. You can’t sweep the problem under the rug. You can’t keep blaming the other person. You can’t expect the people in your home to just get over it, so that you don’t have to apologize. You can’t pretend it isn’t there, or that it will just go away. When you are wrong you have to have the courage and maturity to admit it. You can be like David and insist that you have the right to do the things you do, or you can face your illness and be healed.
We talked a few weeks ago about Jesus and the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda. Jesus asked what seemed like a foolish question: “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6). But Jesus is asking us the same question. Do you want to get well, or do you want to continue to live in your dysfunctional state, because you are afraid of the changes that would be necessary if you were to get well? Do you want to be well, or do you want to be right? If you cannot admit that you are wrong then there is no hope of getting well.
As I was growing up, my great aunts were deathly afraid of cancer. When they found out that someone they knew had cancer there was always a scene of terror. It was quite a show. There were howls and loud cries of despair, along with proclamations of what this would mean. They would give explicit, gruesome details of what the person would go through. They were so afraid of cancer that when they would go to the doctor they would hide some of their problems from him. In fact, the worse the problem the harder they worked at hiding it from the doctor, because they were sure he would tell them they had cancer. Then they would always come home from the doctor’s office angry at him for failing to help them, even though they had misled him. Most people understand that if you go to the doctor and are not honest with him about what is wrong with you, you are not going to get well. Likewise, if you are not going to be honest about your relational illness, out of pride or fear, then you are not going to get well. You have to admit the ways in which you have failed, first to yourself, then to God, and then to the persons in your home whom you have wounded. You have to be honest and ask for forgiveness.
The Bible, in talking about how our relationship with God is healed, says, “IF we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives” (1 John 1:9-10). If there is no confession there is no forgiveness. You cannot claim you have no sin and expect to get well. Everybody else can see it; you might as well admit it. If you want to pretend the problem is not there, or that it is someone else’s problem you will always be dysfunctional. You can’t get well if you can’t admit that you are wrong. You cannot get well unless there is honest confession, unless there are apologies, unless you are willing to ask the other person to forgive you.
Chuck Colson recently told of a young girl named Carly Santi. For years her mother kept the truth from her that her father was in prison. Carly was devastated when she finally found out. She made up stories to her classmates about her father’s absence. She felt ashamed, even though she had done nothing wrong. The following summer she attended a special Christian camp designed for children of prisoners and learned that she was not alone. Her counselors told her that God really cared about her. She had been struggling with being mad at God, but the words of a song they sang at camp began to penetrate her heart: “Father, I adore you; Lay my life before you; How I love you.” Carly accepted Christ as her Savior, and felt God begin to heal the pain in her heart. Carly and her mom visited her dad in prison and encouraged him to attend one of the in-prison Bible studies. Dennis Santi not only went to the Bible study, he gave his life to Christ and began to grow in his relationship with God. One day he asked Carly to forgive him for the shame and embarrassment he had caused her. It was the first time he had owned up to what he had done to his family and the pain he had caused. From that point on the healing began in their family. Honesty and confession are always where healing begins in relationships.
Secondly, if the hurts in our homes are going to be healed: There must be a willingness to stop the things that hurt. In biblical terms, this is repentance. Just as we turn from the things that damage our relationship with God, so we turn from the things that damage our relationship with our marriage partner or our children. To continue to do the things that we know hurt another person is not only wrong, it is cruelty. This means that we must own what we have done wrong and take responsibility for it. Perhaps you have done something as simple as saying something in a sharp tone to someone because you were irritable. You need to ask for forgiveness for there to be healing. And then, you need to work on this area of your life so that your words will be more loving — words that heal instead of hurt. Perhaps you have been too tight with the money in your home, or maybe the opposite is true: you may have spent the family into financial trouble. You need to stop doing the things that are causing these problems in your home if the hurt is to be healed.
You have all heard of the family feud between the Hatfields and McCoys. Some may not be aware that this feud was not the stuff of legends, it was a very real conflict between two families. They hated each other so much, and fought with one another so long, that their names will be associated forever with conflict and rivalry. The hostilities between the families lasted twelve years, and actually claimed the lives of 12 people: three of them were Hatfields, seven were McCoys, and two were outsiders. The animosities began over an argument about who owned a certain hog. Surely, neither the Hatfields or the McCoys believed that a hog was more important than the lives of their family members, yet they died because neither side was willing to cease the hostilities and reconcile their relationships. No one was willing to stop the hurt.
Sometimes great animosities can arise over great trivialities. Maybe the original thing that started it all has faded from memory, but the hostility is still there. If you thought about it at all you would realize that you are sacrificing your relationship for something that means nothing. Something small has become big, or several small things have accumulated into something big. I believe God would say to you: “Don’t let pride keep you from doing what is necessary to bring healing to your home. Don’t be so concerned about getting even that you kill the life of something very valuable.”
This week at our house we have been visited by a kamikaze sparrow. When I came home the other day, Sue said, “There he is again.” This little sparrow had been sitting on the branch of a tree outside my study window and kept flying into it. Sue told me he had been doing that all day long. Over and over again, he would fly into the window, convinced that since the window was clear he should be able to fly through it. You would think that the first few times he tried it the pain would have convinced him that his efforts were not working. You would think that he would be bloodied and battered and eventually give up, but as I was working in my office Saturday morning he was still there crashing into the window. He would not stop his self-destructive behavior.
The lesson of the kamikaze sparrow is that if you keep on doing the same stupid things, you will keep on getting the same stupid results. If the pain is going to stop and you are going to find healing you are going to have to stop doing the things that hurt you and others. You have to change the way you are doing things. Otherwise you will end up bruised and bloodied. The Bible says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).
Third, if the relationships in your home are going to be healed: There must be an openness to the other person in your heart. You have to invite them back into your heart and life. Sometimes you can build up such a case against another person that they don’t have a chance to be reconciled to you. You distort and demonize the other person. You write them off. Healing the relationships in our homes involves honest confession, a willingness to stop the things that hurt the other person, and opening our hearts to them once again. You have to be willing to forgive and be forgiven. The Bible says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
The great secret about conflict is that when it is resolved it actually increases intimacy. Unresolved conflict can drive you apart, but when it is faced squarely and dealt with it can bring you closer together. Unresolved anger smolders like something burning underground. I can still see the Canadian park rangers digging holes around a camp site located deep in the wilderness of the Algonquin Provincial Park. I was on a wilderness canoe trip with some friends when we paddled up to a small island. The rangers were digging like mad and taking buckets of lake water and pouring it into the holes. When we asked what was going on they said that they were putting out a fire. We didn’t understand since we didn’t see any flames, but they explained that it was a root fire. Someone had built a campfire where there was a root close to the surface. From there the fire had spread underground to several trees. You couldn’t see it, but you could feel the heat coming from the ground. They told us that if they did not put it out, it would burn down the entire island.
There may be an underground fire in your home. You may be good at hiding it, but the heat is there, and if it is not put out it may burn down your home. You have to get to the root cause and put out the fire. You have to dig down and expose the fire to put it out. You have to open your heart to the other person and allow them to come in.
Listen to the Bible when it says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Love forgives. It does not keep a record of wrongs, but always has its heart open to others and invites them in.
Rodney J. Buchanan
May 27, 2001
Mulberry Street United Methodist Church
Mt. Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
