Today we continue our series about building up families in a post-modern world. And I have been assigned the task of talking to you this morning about marriage. And you know, I don’t think it would be too wise of me to preach today based on the vast knowledge that I have acquired after two whole years of marriage. So, this morning we are going to look at what God teaches us in his Word about how to have a good marriage.
But before we look at what God says, let’s take a look at the state of marriage in what we call today’s “post-modern” world. Marriage seems to be outdated. People are opting for less commitment. Living together outside of marriage is up 72% from what it was ten years ago. Divorce is also up from ten years ago, now destroying well over half of the marriages in the United States each year. Experts estimate that 40-65% of all married men have been unfaithful to their wives and that 30-45% of all married women have been unfaithful to their husbands. In this enlightened age, the holy estate of matrimony is in a state of ruin.
But, I don’t think we want our marriages to be a disaster. I would say that the majority of people who take that walk down the aisle really want it to last their whole life. But soon you hear: “The love is gone in our marriage,” or “We don’t love each other any more.” Well, I propose to you this morning that many of those that say such things really don’t understand what love is. This morning I could give you some really sound advice on things that I have learned about better communication in the marriage, what to do and not to do to make your marriage better. But I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to talk about your attitude, about what love really is and then we’ll see how that applies personally to us as husbands and wives.
I. Submit to one another
The Apostle Paul in the verses that precede our text for this morning is not talking only to husbands and wives, but rather to all Christians. He encourages all of us to be imitators of God, to act in a way that is fitting for children of God. The transition to our text that speaks specifically to husbands and wives is just one little, but important verse, verse 21 which says: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Submit to one another. The Greek word for submit literally means, “to put one’s self under another individual” God wants us to put ourselves under everybody else, to show true humility, to show true love. You see, that is what love is: to put the needs of another person ahead of yours, to consider yourself nothing and the other person everything. That is love. Love isn’t a feeling. It isn’t romance. It isn’t sex. Though all those things are intricately tied together with love, love is much more than that. Love is more an action than a feeling. Did you get that? Love is more an action than a feeling.
Let me ask you this: Why do you love your husband? Why do you love your wife? “Because he makes me feel special. Because she makes me feel like a man. Because he provides what I need.” Is that love? “I love because of what I get out of it.” Well, we have the example of true love in our text for this morning. Speaking to husbands Jesus said: Love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In Philippians chapter two Paul explains that love further saying: Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross.
That is true submission. Jesus acted on his love for us. The all-powerful, eternal God was born in a smelly stable to a lowly virgin and her carpenter fiancé. He lived a poor life owning only the clothes on his back. On the night before he died, he gave his disciples an example of humble love by doing the dirty job of a servant, washing their feet. He suffered whippings, taunts, a crown of thorns, and being nailed to a cross. Even more, he suffered the punishment of hell on that cross for the sins of all people of all time.
That is love. And why did Jesus love us? Did we do something to earn his love? No. We are undeserving sinners who have rebelled against him in so many ways. He saved us by his grace, the love that we don’t deserve. Love doesn’t think about what I get out of it. You know, coaches often say that there is no “I” in team. Well, there is no “I” in love either.
Many correctly say that money and lack of communication are two of the main causes of divorce today, but I think that I would go a little deeper. The truth is that it all comes down to selfishness, the opposite of love. Why is money a problem in our marriages? Because we are by nature selfish. Why are you not happy in your marriage? Because your spouse hasn’t given you the life you dreamed of, the life you think you deserve. Why do you go so quickly to the arms of another woman or another man? Because your spouse doesn’t show you the affection or give you the satisfaction you want and deserve.
That’s selfishness and that’s sin. And that’s also what our modern world tells you that you have to do in your marriage. You can’t let your spouse walk all over you. It’s a power struggle. You have to fight to be the one to wear the pants in the family. You gotta look out for number one or everybody’ll walk all over your.
But that leads us to the reason why we show true love. Because Jesus didn’t look out for number one. But rather, being number one, he made himself nothing to make us holy and blameless in God’s sight. Our selfishness, our greed, our lust, our lies have all been wiped away forever. We don’t need to look out for ourselves, God has and will continue to do that for us.
So, out of reverence to him as verse 21 says, that is, out of thankfulness, love and respect for that gift, we now submit, doing everything for our spouse, not only when they deserve it, but especially when they don’t. Love submits. Love forgives. Love shows patience. Love is an action. But now let’s look at how we can show that submitting love specifically as husbands and wives.
II. Wives.
First wives we’re going to talk to wives. Paul writes: wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. And now some of the guys in here are high giving each other, while many of the woman are probably wondering, if God is a chauvinist. Of all the teachings in the Bible, this is probably the hardest teaching for women to accept.
But let’s look closely at this role of women in marriage... and especially it’s relationship to the role of men. First of all this is not a measure of importance or worth. Paul writes clearly to the Galatians: There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. No, God here is expressing a difference in roles and responsibilities. God is not saying that men are to dominate their wives, that women are slaves, that women shouldn’t work, that women should be barefoot and pregnant. He is showing women how they can show that humble, selfless and submitting love that we just got done talking about.
Would you ever consider it a burden or something horrible submitting to Jesus? Well, I hope not. That’s how God wants you to submit to your husband as the head of the family. True, it’s easier to submit to our perfect, loving Savior God, than it is to submit to that man that tries to solve your problems instead of listening, that man who has strange sounds and smells emitting from his body at night, that man who thoughtlessly leaves his shoes in the living room all the time.
He doesn’t deserve your love, but love him anyway. Show him love and respect. Help him to be the man that God wants him to be. That is how our Savior loves us and that is how he wants you to love your husbands. And if you do, God promises to bless your love. He promises to make you happy. To bring back the feelings of romance, joyful sex, good communication. But it takes humble and active love.
III. Husbands
The biggest responsibility, however, God gives to the husband, because he is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Guys, you are not the kings or even the presidents of your homes. I do not rule the Schroer Castle. I have the responsibility and privilege of doing everything, up to even giving my life, for my wife.
That means that I will listen to her. I will take into account her opinion. I will do what she wants, even though I have the right to do what I want. I will serve her as Christ served the church. But our service as husbands is as head of the household. The buck stops with us. It is our job to make the tough decisions about what would be best and make our wives and families happiest. It is our responsibility to keep our families constantly in God’s Word so that they themselves have the power to show such selfless love. Guys, take that responsibility seriously. You are placed as the head in order to serve.
Now, if both the husband and wife submit to each other, the marriage is in harmony. The wife submits without feeling dominated and the husband loves and is head of the family in a humble and serving way. But what’s the problem today? The problem is when the husband doesn’t show humble love or when the wife doesn’t submit, when both are worried about who has the upper hand, who wears the pants in the family. Again, love doesn’t worry about that. “But that’s not fair. If he doesn’t keep his side, I won’t keep mine.” Love never says, “That’s not fair.” Jesus didn’t say on the cross, “That’s not fair. I’m perfect. I don’t deserve this.” No, he said, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” Love does everything for the other person and tries to help them show that same love. And it does not stop submitting when the other person doesn’t do their part.
So my friends, show love, humility, forgiveness, submission and God promises that he will bless you. Your marriage at times will be difficult. Maybe your spouse will take years to come around. But God wants you to show submissive love out of thanks for the love he has shown you and he promises to bless you if you do.
Our post-modern world will continue to encourage us to be selfish, to look out first and foremost for ourselves. But we can see what that has done to marriage today. So, I would encourage you in your marriages (and really in all your relationships) to look at the love your Savior has shown you and to show that same submitting, humble love.
To conclude this morning I would like to read for you a prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi, and I hope that this is also your prayer as husbands and wives. We pray:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, forgiveness;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be comforted as to comfort;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in forgiving that we are forgiven,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.
