This morning, my choice of topics presents me with a difficult task. No one compels me; I willingly undertake it. But it is difficult. Because I know that what I have to say concerning leadership in the home – or rather, what the Scriptures have to say – will likely encounter some resistance. That’s true for three reasons. The first is our culture. Today, God’s design for marriage and family life is under assault from every direction. Those who reject God’s plan are hailed as insightful and enlightened teachers, while those who seek to uphold God’s plan are dismissed as narrow-minded bigots. And so unless we are careful to derive our convictions from the Bible, instead of from Oprah, we can be intimidated into believing the falsehoods of the world instead of the wisdom of God.
The second reason for the difficulty of the task is that many of us have grown up in homes where the Biblical pattern for marriage was not understood or followed. The kind of relationship our parents modeled before us may not have been a godly one. And those early examples, good or bad, influence our idea of what a "normal" marriage should look like; we tend to follow their example. The third difficulty is the fact of our sin nature. We don’t like hearing that we need to change. And bringing our conduct in this area into conformity with the Scriptures will require change. Yet it’s worth it. Because only in following God’s plan can we enjoy the kind of strong, intimate, fulfilling marriages that He desires us to have. And only by following God’s design can we honor and glorify Him as the author of marriage. So with that in mind, let’s look at what God says about leadership in the home.
"Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God . . . For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man." – 1 Corinthians 11:3, 8-9 (NIV)
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." – Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)
Simply put, the Bible says that the husband is the head of the home. More specifically, it says that the husband is the head of his wife. Now let’s understand clearly what the Scripture is saying. Because this is important. These are not commands, these are statements of fact. They don’t say that the husband "should be" the head of the wife. They say that the husband "is" the head of the wife. It is a declaration of the way things are, not how they ought to be. So whether the two people involved in the marriage accept this, or ignore it, or even actively rebel against it, it doesn’t matter. When God says something is true, it’s true. So husbands, you can be a bad head or a good head, but you can’t not be the head. You may be wise or foolish, strong or weak, diligent or lazy, harsh or compassionate, but it doesn’t change your status. You are the head. Your wife may look up to you, look down on you, or ignore you completely; it doesn’t matter. If you are married, God says that you are the head of your wife.
What does this mean? Fundamentally, it means that husbands are responsible for what goes on in their homes. Yes, God has given husbands authority. But with it he has also given them great responsibility. So men, if you ever invite me to do any marriage counseling, let me warn you in advance: I am biased. I assume that whatever problems exist in your marriage are your responsibility. They may not be your fault (at least, not entirely). And I’m not saying that you caused them. It’s not that your wife bears no guilt for her own sin. But you are the one who must take action to remedy the situation; you are the one who needs to exercise initiative to bring about healing and reconciliation. You are the one who has to own the problem and take responsibility for it. Why? Because you are the head; you are the leader, and the leader is responsible for what goes on under his authority. So men, if you tell me that your wife is unhappy, that the two of you can’t get along, that your home is filled with tension, I’m going to look at you and say, "what do you intend to do about it?"
We have an example of this principle in the recent tragedy involving the U.S. submarine Greeneville, which a few months ago surfaced suddenly underneath a Japanese fishing trawler off Pearl Harbor, sinking it and killing nine people. Since then, the skipper of the sub, commander Scott Waddle, has narrowly avoided a court-martial, and he is now resigning from the Navy, his promising career ruined. Why is that? Did he personally operate the controls that caused the sub to surface? No. Was he the sonar operator who was supposed to be monitoring the vessels in the area to make sure that none were too close? No. And what about the civilians on board? Weren’t they interfering with the activities of the crew? Quite possibly. But Scott Waddle was the skipper of that sub; he was in charge, and so it was his responsibility to make sure that the submarine was operating in a safe manner. The buck stopped with him. Men, in our marriages the buck stops with us. We are responsible before God.
So men, if there is something in your marriage that isn’t right, you can’t do what men usually do, and wait for your wife to raise the issue. Usually it’s the wife who’s the first to say something about a problem in the relationship. Why? Because women have less tolerance for relational stress than men, and men know that. So even though the husband is (at least dimly) aware that there’s a problem, he ignores it. The wife may be so frustrated that she’s ready to strangle him, and he’ll act as if there’s nothing wrong. Rather than risk the pain and embarrassment of a confrontation, he will let the tension build and build until it becomes so intolerable that the wife finally can’t stand it anymore and demands action. And then what happens? If the husband does reluctantly agree to do something – talk; read a book; see a counselor – he will complain about it the whole time. He will make it clear that he is doing it only to get some peace, because his wife is being so unreasonable.
And men, that is exactly backwards. That is unfaithful, cowardly husbandry. It is an abdication of leadership; it is forcing your wife to do what you should be doing. How should it work? The husband should be the one who, when he senses that all is not right in the relationship, takes the initiative to raise the issue and resolve it, in a loving and humble way. Not attacking, not accusing ("What’s wrong with you? What are you moping around here for?"). The husband should seek out his wife, and not make her come to him. And isn’t that what God does? [Reference John 3:16; Romans 5:8] When we were separated from him, when we were estranged from him, he sent His Son to bring us back. He came after us, he sought us, he pursued us. Men, that is what God is calling you to do. If there is a problem between you and wife, then give up your stubborn pride and pursue her.
Or take spiritual leadership. The husband is the spiritual head of the home. He is the pastor of his family. And yet, often it is the wife who has to nag, and cajole, and plead for the husband to play any role in the spiritual life of the family, other than driving them to church once a week. She is the one who suggests they pray together, she is the one who tries to persuade him to have family devotions. And again, this is precisely backwards. The husband is the one whom God holds responsible for the spiritual well-being of the home. Listen to what the Israelite general Joshua says to the nation of Israel as they are preparing to enter the Promised Land. He warns them to abandon their false gods and serve the one true God, and he issues this challenge:
"’Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.’" – Joshua 24:14-15 (NIV)
Did you catch that? "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua took it as a given that it was his responsibility to lead his family in serving and worshiping God. Why don’t men do this? Some just have no interest in spiritual things. But often, they just feel inadequate. They may feel that their wives excel them spiritually, that their wives know more about the Bible than they do. They’re afraid of looking awkward and foolish. But the answer, men, is not to flee, to abandon your God-given responsibilities. The answer is to read, and study, and listen, and ask your pastor questions, so that you are competent to do what God has called you to do, which is to be your family’s teacher and spiritual leader.
All right. Now that we’ve established what God expects of husbands, let me address some of the resistance that women often have to this idea of the husband’s headship. And let me start by saying that I’m convinced very few wives would object to their husbands exercising true Biblical leadership. But what they do react against is the sinful perversion of godly leadership that’s all too common, even in Christian marriages.
The first perversion of Biblical headship is the tyrant, the dictator who rules his home with an iron fist. This man’s idea of leadership is marching around the house, barking out orders like a little Napoleon. Or perhaps he prefers to bark out orders from the comfort of his Barcalounger. He is selfish and demanding. Everyone in the household exists to meet his needs. Any failure to carry out his wishes is dealt with harshly. Not surprisingly, these marriages and families are full of anger, fear, and resentment. Ladies, if you are grew up in such a home, or you live in such a home, it is no wonder if the idea of submitting to a husband’s headship fills you with dread instead of delight.
The other perversion of Biblical headship is the slug. The wimp. The invisible man. The husband who has abdicated the throne, who is AWOL from his wife and family. The household may be in turmoil, his wife may be at her wit’s end, but he is oblivious. She desperately tries to engage him in their marriage and family, but his only response is to stare slackjawed at the TV, or retreat into his workshop, or run away to go golfing. He refuses to take action, refuses to make a decision, refuses to get involved. He’s a leader who won’t lead. "Whatever you say, dear" is his favorite reply. He thinks he’s being such a nice, agreeable husband. But in reality he’s making his wife so frustrated that she’s in tears, because he refuses to exercise godly leadership.
Neither of those scenarios bears any resemblance to God’s design. Biblical headship is not selfish, it is sacrificial. It is not harsh; it is gentle and loving. It is not passive, but active and involved. In other words, it looks just like the loving headship that Christ exercises over the church. Let’s look at the rest of the Ephesians passage:
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." – Ephesians 5:25-33 (NIV)
In the world, leadership and authority mean forcing your will on others, compelling them to serve you. But for a Christian husband, it means something very different. It means willingly giving up your rights in order to serve your wife and family. Listen to what Jesus says about godly leadership:
"Jesus said to them, ’The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you shall be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves." – Luke 22:25-27 (NIV)
Men, God gave you authority over your wife for a reason. Not so that she would have to serve you, but so that you might the better serve her; just as Christ uses his power and authority to serve the church. And I think few wives would have difficulty following a husband who led in this way.
Just stop and think about the word "husband" for a minute. Do you know what that means? It’s not just someone who signs a marriage certificate or shows up for a wedding ceremony. It has a meaning. Think of the word "husbandry". "Husband" implies responsible stewardship, prudent management, careful cultivation. It means taking care of something, nurturing it and protecting it and providing for it. That’s what a godly husband does; that’s how he exercises the responsibility of his headship. And that’s why God also is referred to as a "husband" – our husband – because this is how he cares for us. This is also why the church is called the "bride" of Christ. Because our "husbandry", our care for our wives, is meant to be a picture of God’s loving care for His people.
"For your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." – Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)
"One of the seven angels . . . came and said to me, "Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb." And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God." – Revelation 21:9 (NIV)
Does this mean that the man does all the work? Not at all. He is the head, the leader. He is responsible. But he’s not alone. God intends for his wife to help him in carrying out his responsibilities. Both of them need one another. He needs to be helped – he can’t do it alone – and she needs to be a help.
"The LORD God said, ’It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’" – Genesis 2:18 (NIV)
All right, men, let’s say you’re convinced. You accept the fact that God has called you to lead, to exercise loving headship. You understand that God holds you responsible for the state of your marriage, and for what goes on in your home. And so you decide to lead. Well, what if your wife doesn’t want to be led? What if she balks? What if she resists your attempts? First of all, look carefully at how you are leading. Be honest: is it sacrificial or selfish? Is it harsh and dictatorial, or gentle and considerate? The more your headship resembles that of Christ, the easier it will be for your wife to submit to it. Second, if you aren’t accustomed to taking initiative, your wife may be testing you. Yes, she wants you to lead, but she also wants to make sure that you’re serious, that you won’t fold under pressure. She wants to know that she can rely on you. So persevere. Stick it out until she comes around. Third, help her out. You’re not the only one trying something new -- she needs to learn new habits too. For a long time, she’s been doing your job, and now you say you want it back. So use persuasion and patience. Give her time. And finally, if all else fails, lead anyway. You can’t force your wife to follow your leadership. But God does require you to be faithful. And so keep doing your best to lead, in a loving, sacrificial, considerate, and firm way.
Let me close with two final exhortations. You may feel that your marriage is fine; that you and your spouse have come to an "understanding". Perhaps you’ve become accustomed to a marriage in which the wife exercises most of the leadership in the home, while the husband putters around in the garage. Or perhaps the husband likes being a dictator, and the wife has learned to tolerate it. So you see no great need for change. Why rock the boat? But I say to you this morning that not only are you settling for second best, but that you are in sin. Obedience to God’s commands is not optional. It’s not up to us to decide whether we will follow God’s design, or come up with our own. Honoring Jesus Christ as Lord requires that we follow His plan for all our relationships, including marriage.
And finally, men – wake up! Take ownership of the issues in your marriage. Exercise responsibility. Take the initiative. Make a decision. Take a risk. Show some backbone. Take the reins. Lead! That’s what God calls you to do, that’s what your wives secretely want you to do. And God will bless your obedience.
(For an .rtf file of this and other sermons, see www.journeychurchonline.org/messages.htm)
