She went to a PTO meeting one evening. Her husband and daughter decided that they would do something special for mom, so they cleaned up the kitchen. They put away all the food, wiped all the counters, washed all the pots and put the dishes in the dishwasher — they even remembered to rinse! They swept and mopped the floor, and then waited for her to come home so they could watch the expression on her face. Two hours later she came home from the meeting, glanced at the kitchen, took off her coat, grabbed the remote and plopped in front of the television. Dad and daughter were surprised that she hadn’t noticed or said anything about all their hard work. They followed her into the family room and just kind of stood there looking at her. “What?” she said. Her husband said, “The kitchen.” “The kitchen, what?” she responded. He said, “Well, we cleaned it for you. Didn’t you notice?” She said, “Oh yeah. Thankless job, isn’t it?”
I suppose that only moms really get the true impact of that little story, mainly because they live it. I think that, because of changing roles and increasing pressures, these are tough days for being a mom, and I want you to know from the beginning this morning that I want to offer you words of encouragement today. I have been talking with mothers this week and asking the question: “What is the most difficult part of being a mother? I have tried to condense their responses into three broad categories: 1. I feel guilty about everything — how can I feel okay again? 2. I feel worried about everything — how can I feel secure again? 3. I feel stressed about everything — how can I find relief?
So let me try to address these from a Christian viewpoint. To all of those who feel guilty, let me say first: When it comes to guilt, know that God can use you as a parent in spite of your imperfections. I find that mothers in general carry the burden of guilt for everything that goes wrong in the family. They feel guilty about everything. Somehow they believe they should fix it and make it better. They are the mediator between the father and the children, between the children when they have squabbles, and between all the grandparents and in-laws and the family. (By the way, do you know the definition of grandparent? It is someone who thinks your children are wonderful, even though they think you’re not raising them right.)
If a child is not doing well in school a mom feels that somehow she has failed. If her kids have behavioral problems she feels she has not been a good mother. If her child does not talk or walk by a certain age she is afraid she has done something wrong. Moms wrestle with all kinds of questions. Do Igo through “natural” childbirth or get an epidural? Do I breast or bottle feed? Do I work or stay at home? Do I spank or give time outs? Guilt, guilt and more guilt. One mom said to me, “I need to know how and when to forgive myself.”
You need to know that you are not to blame for everything that goes wrong — especially with older children who make their own decisions, often against what you have taught them. Unrealistic guilt is unhealthy. Jesus Christ came to relieve our guilt, not to pile it on. The Bible says, “God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him” (John 3:17). God wants us to live guilt-free lives. He came to take away our guilt, not to add to it. If there is an obvious and deliberate wrong that we have done, then we need to confess it to God, ask for his forgiveness, turn from it and go on. Don’t wallow in your guilt. I love the wonderful passage of Scripture which says, “This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19-20). God knows your desire to please him and be a good parent. You will not be perfect at it, but he knows what is in your heart. It is not God’s will for us to go around constantly feeling condemned, for the Bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
The apostle Paul prayed for God to take away his imperfections and weaknesses. Here is what he says about what God told him: “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Lean on the grace of God. Do your best, love your children and let God love you. Then trust him for the rest.
To all of those who feel worried and afraid, let me make a second point: When it comes to fear and worry, know that God is in control. In the Scripture reading this morning, we heard about a young man named Timothy. Paul wrote to him and said, “I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also” (2 Timothy 1:6). His life was the product of a godly mother and grandmother. He was now being used by God to lead others to Christ and be the pastor of several churches which Paul had started. The problem was that even though Timothy was well trained by these godly and knowledgeable women in his life, he was very young to have this kind of responsibility. Paul reminded him, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity [or fear], but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). That is a verse for mothers as well. A spirit of fear cannot be from God. We are to have a spirit of trust in God. We are to place our futures and our families in God’s hands, and allow him to be in control. Your security is in God, not in your ability to control. We try to control fear by being in control. But the Christian view is that we conquer fear by losing control. We give God control and take our hands off. The Bible says, “Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass” (Psalm 37:5, KJV).
Elisa Morgan, President of the Christian mother’s organization called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) International, writes: “I’m probably the least likely person to head a mothering organization. I grew up in a broken home. My parents were divorced when I was 5. My older sister, younger brother, and I were raised by my alcoholic mother. While my mother meant well — truly she did — most of my memories are of me mothering her rather than her mothering me. Alcohol altered her love, turning it into something that wasn’t love. I remember her weaving down the hall of our ranch home in Houston, Texas, glass of scotch in hand. She would wake me at 2 a.m. just to make sure I was asleep. I would wake her at 7 a.m. to try to get her off to work. Sure, there were good times like Christmas and birthdays when she went all out and celebrated us as children. But even those days ended with the warped glow of alcohol. What she did right was lost in what she did wrong. Ten years ago, when I was asked to consider leading MOPS International, a vital ministry that nurtures mothers, I went straight to my knees — and then to the therapist’s office. How could God use me — who had never been mothered — to nurture other mothers? The answer came as I gazed into the eyes of other moms around me and saw their needs mirroring my own. God seemed to take my deficits and make them my offering.”
If you had seen Elisa Morgan as a child you might have thought her future was pretty bleak, but God watched over her and brought her to a life of usefulness. If he can do that for a child in a messed up home with an alcoholic mother, he can certainly do it for your children. Think of all the things he has brought you through. Think of all the things you worried about that never happened. Think about the great God you serve. The Bible says, “Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent. . . .” (2 Corinthians 3:4-6).
To all of those who feel stressed, let me make a third point: When it comes to stress, rest in the fact that you are doing the will of God. It is tough to be a mom in today’s world. It is hard and exhausting. When our grandchildren are all together it is mass bedlam. There is crying and whining. There is the need for constant attention. Someone always needs a hurt kissed. Someone threw up, and someone else needs a diaper changed. Someone is clinging to one leg while another wants to show you something. Someone else is upset because someone took something of theirs or will not share. The house is trashed. The noise level is maddening. You cannot eat an uninterrupted meal. You cannot complete a conversation with another adult. Messes are made. Snacks and drinks are being demanded. It is wonderful, but it is messy and it is stressful.
A teacher was going to have a lesson on the magnet for her second graders. She demonstrated various kinds of magnets and told them all the ways that a magnet could be used. Each student was given a chance to hold a magnet and try it for themselves. The next day she gave them a quiz, and the last question was: “My name has six letters. The first one is ‘M.’ I pick up things. What am I?” The teacher was surprised to see that over half the students had written the word “Mother.”
Many of the mothers I talked to said that it is the constant demands that got to them the most. The relentlessness of caring for children is at times overwhelming. There always seems to be a crisis from the child’s perspective. How do you handle the stress?
There is a sense in which you lose your personal life when you become a mother, and you have to come to terms with that. Your life is now being lived, not for yourself, but for these little, and not so little, people. There are very real sacrifices. You lose your freedom and mobility. But you are a missionary in this difficult place, and God has sent to you these precious lives to minister to and teach them about him. For these difficult, but few years, you have the privilege of investing your life in the lives of those whom God has given to you. They are your mission field.
I was listening to Dr. Laura while I was driving the other day, and a woman and her husband called in with a problem. She had two children and her husband worked long hours, and wasn’t much help even when he was home. She wanted to take a two day vacation on the weekend and go on a shopping trip with a couple of friends. She felt like she really needed a break, and if she could just get away for a little while her attitude would improve. But her husband was adamantly opposed to the idea. When Dr. Laura asked him why he was so opposed to something that sounded like a normal thing which would be beneficial for her, it came out that two of his relatives — an aunt and a cousin — had told their husbands they were just going away for the weekend and left their families. He finally admitted that he was afraid she would do the same thing. He understood that it was so stressful that she might want to leave, but he wasn’t doing much to ease the load.
What do you do with stress? You can take time for yourself. Don’t let your husband get by with not doing his part as a parent. Learn to say no. Do the things that will make your life easier even if others don’t understand. But beyond that, your stress will be cut in half by simply accepting this stage of your life If you fight this part of your life, you will never have peace. It is difficult and restricting, and the rewards are long term, but this is God’s will for you. Jesus said, “Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:6). The job you are doing as a mother is more important than anything else you could be doing. You are investing yourself in your children’s lives — even if you are making mistakes and not doing it perfectly, you are there and that is the most important thing. The Bible says, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).
Once you have fixed your gaze on the eternal importance of what you are doing, you will see with new eyes. Once you have, in a sense, died to yourself, and with your whole heart accepted God’s will for you at this present time, there will be a new peace. There is joy in doing God’s will. Begin to thank God for where he has placed you now — difficult as it may be at times. Learn how to rest in Jesus. Begin to be conscious of his presence with you at every moment. Intentionally experience his love for you and your children as you walk through the day. Thank him that he is in control and that you do not have to worry. Thank him that he forgives you and relieves you from guilt. Feel his hand upon your shoulder during those times of great stress. Hear him speaking words of peace to you. Write Bible verses which help you on a card and carry it with you during the day. Take time to be with him before the kids get up or after they go to bed, even if you can only get in a few minutes.
And think about the joys. I also asked moms what was the best thing about being a parent, and they said thing like: “Receiving their hugs and kisses;” “Seeing them care about each other and express affection for each other;” “Seeing them smile and hearing them laugh;” “When they finally understand and learn what you have been trying to teach them,” or “Just the surprises that come.” How wonderful it is to see a child sleep (when they finally do). How great to see them run and play. It is amazing to watch them explore the world and learn new things. Listening to them talk excitedly. All of these things are what make parenting special.
The best thing of all is seeing them ask Jesus into their hearts. I remember very clearly the time our girls gave their lives to Christ. From then on it was not just our faith, it was their faith. They made it their own. It has been exciting to see their faith grow and develop over the years. Now they have children of their own, and their faith is being passed on to the next generation. Both of our girls’ families pray together every night, read a Bible story or book, sing a song of the faith, exchange kisses and hugs, and giggle before going to bed. Those simple acts are planting seeds that will one day blossom.
One night last year, as our daughter Lori was reading a Bible story book to our oldest granddaughter about Jesus’ story of the woman and the lost coin. At the end of the story it told about how there is rejoicing in heaven when someone asks Jesus into their heart. It said that the angels threw a party. When Hannah heard that, she told her mom that she wanted a party. Lori explained to her that it meant asking Jesus to forgive her for the things she had done wrong, and then asking him to come into her heart. Then they prayed together and Hannah asked for those things in her own words. Her mother explained that the angels were having a party in heaven for her at that very moment. Then she wanted to know if her mom had Jesus in her heart, and her dad, and her grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and neighbors. So they prayed that everyone they knew would have Jesus in their hearts as well.
When that happens you know that it has all been worthwhile. You can hear Jesus saying, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14).
Rodney J. Buchanan
May 13, 2001
Mulberry Street United Methodist Church
Mt. Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
GOD’S PLAN FOR MOTHERS
2 Timothy 1:1-7
“I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also” (2 Timothy 1:5).
1. When it comes to ________________, know that God can use you as a parent __________________ ______________________________.
2. When it comes to ___________ and _____________, know that ____________________________________ .
3. When it comes to ____________________, rest in the fact that __________________________________ .
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION (May 13, 2001)
1. What were the three concerns expressed by the mothers quoted in the sermon?
2. How do women and men handle issues of guilt differently? Why is this so?
3. Read John 3:17. What was the purpose of God’s Son coming into the world? How does this relate to parenting?
4. Read 1 John 3:19-20. What is this verse saying regarding false guilt?
5. Read 2 Corinthians 12:9. How do Christians view their weaknesses?
6. Read 2 Timothy 1:6. What was Timothy’s heritage? How did it influence his life?
7. In 2 Timothy 1:7, what did Paul have to admonish Timothy about?
8. Read 2 Corinthians 3:4-6. In what is our confidence as Christians?
9. Read 2 Corinthians 4:17-18. How does a Christian handle stress in their life according to this verse?
10. Read Matthew 19:14. What was Jesus’ attitude toward children and their ability to understand the things of God?
11. Read Matthew 18:6. What did Jesus say about those who mistreat children?
