The American Family is being totally redefined today. It can mean almost anything, and anyone who thinks that it should mean one man, one woman and the children that God may bless them with is seen as someone who is out of step, and even a threat to the culture. Family may mean one man and one woman, or it may mean two men and three women. It may mean two women and their adopted, or in vitro children. It may mean a man and another person who used to be a man. It may be a person and their pet according to professor Peter Singer. Almost any aberration you can think of, and some you may not be able to think of, are considered family. But the Bible is clear about what God’s definition and intention of a family is.
I want to ask a simple question this morning: What is the purpose of a family? What is the purpose of your family? Do you have a purpose? Do you understand your purpose? Are you living out your purpose? Or are you so caught up in everything you are trying to do that you have no time to think about purpose? Sometimes we get caught up in what we think everyone else is doing and expects us to do. Sometimes we get caught up in what we think will make ourselves and our children successful. But are you working toward trying to fulfill a clearly defined purpose for yourself and your family? Are you seeking God’s purpose for your family?
The first thing we must understand about God’s purpose for the family is: The family is where we learn to glorify God and live for him. The Bible tells us what God’s purpose is when it says: “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15-16). This is God’s purpose for your family. He has brought you together in flesh and spirit that you might have godly offspring — children who love God and serve him; children whose lives glorify him.
The purpose for our individual lives, as well as our families, is to glorify God. This is not something that just happens. It does not even happen just because you come to church and send your kids to Sunday School and youth group. It happens because in your home you show your love for God. You talk about him. You tell your children how he has been faithful to you and helped you through life. You see him everywhere and talk about the beauty and ingenuity of the world he has created. You model before them the life he has called you to live. You have an enthusiasm for the things of God. What you do does make a difference.
A new book has come out by Judith Rich Harris entitled, Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do. In the book, Harris claims the theory that “what influences children’s development... is the way their parents bring them up... is wrong.” After parents contribute the necessary biological elements, DNA takes over and nothing they do or say after that matters. Whether that is praise and hugs, or criticism and slugs, it does not make any difference in what kind of an adult the child will become.
It sounds just a little too convenient doesn’t it? It sounds like a book written more out of guilt than honest research. It sounds like a book written to sell, since there are so many parents who want to believe that they are not responsible for their children’s training. However, a recent poll of 272,400 middle-school and high-school students said that their parents were the most important influence in their lives — and that religion was second.
Why does God want us to have godly offspring — children who are faithful to the will of God in their lives? Because we are to be like the chosen people of Israel. God’s plan for Israel was that they would win the world to him. They were to learn the law of God so they could teach the will of God to other nations. The Christian family is God’s best evangelistic tool for reaching a lost world. Our families have been entrusted with the good news of God’s love, and God has imparted to us the responsibility of sharing that news with a needy world that does not know him. The presence of God has not come into our homes just so our families can be blessed, but so that the world may be blessed. We need to make a difference in the world. Our lives need to model his love and forgiveness. We need to model the life of Jesus in loving and serving the world. This is how we glorify God.
Let me tell you a simple, but beautiful, story of a family in our church. The Orsborns occasionally go to Columbus and eat at Brio, their favorite restaurant. As Jennifer is in the habit of doing, she said to the waitress, who had just delivered their food to the table: “We’re going to pray together here in a minute. Is there anything we can pray for you about?” The waitress was somewhat stunned and said, “Does it show that bad?” She became emotional and had to walk away. When she came back she said, “This has been the worst day of my life. This morning my grandfather died. And then I just found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me the whole time we have been going together. It’s wonderful to know that there are people who care.” That simple act of reaching out in Christian love and concern brought a person closer to God, and that brings glory to God.
The second thing we must understand about God’s purpose for the family is: The family is where we receive love and nurturing. How many here know that love takes time? Love and nurturing do not happen when strangers are passing on their way to someplace else. It does not happen as you are gulping down biggie fries between music lessons and soccer. It does not happen as you eat in front of the television. Love and nurturing are not happening if you are not talking to each other. It comes when you read together, play together, pray together, eat together, and worship together.
The first two days of last week I was in Indianapolis for a national church growth conference. My family lives in Indianapolis, so I was able to spend some time with them as well. After the conference the first evening I drove back to my sister’s home where I was staying. As I was driving there through big city traffic after a long conference, all I could think about was what we were going to eat that night. I was really hungry. And as I came into the kitchen, my sister was preparing filet mignons for the grill. I could hardly wait. My other sister and her husband came over as well, and we all sat around and told stories from earlier days and laughed a lot together. The evening was made special by the wonderful two-inch thick filets my brother-in-law grilled to perfection. But let me ask you a question. What if my sister had said, “This is such high quality steak that you don’t need much of it,” and she carefully placed a one-inch cube of steak on my plate? How would I have felt? It might be the best meat money could buy, but there would not be much of it. What if, as my sister’s family was growing up, each evening she would have placed a one-inch cube of high quality filet mignon on their plates and nothing else. Would they have been satisfied with one piece of great steak, or would they have preferred some junk food like a quarter pounder with cheese and an order of fries that would fill them up? Think about that the next time you talk about spending “quality” time with your family. Spending a lot of time just messing around is more important than a little bit of time, even though it may be high quality. The more time you spend with your children the more impact you will have on their lives.
Thomas McCoy and his wife were divorced in 1994 and received joint custody of their daughter Katherine. They lived in New Jersey, but the mother wanted to move to California and take their daughter with her. She argued that McCoy could communicate with Katherine via video over the Internet. He objected. After a court battle, a three-judge panel from the New Jersey Superior Court’s Appellate Division ruled that the Internet would provide a “creative and innovative” way for the father and daughter to keep in touch, therefore granting the mother permission to take her to California away from her father. In a world where relationships are already artificial and shallow, the officials of our society cannot see why that kind of decision is unreasonable.
A book was recently compiled about advise kids would give to their parents. The editor collected statements of children across America on what they would like to say to their parents. The title of the book is: Always Kiss Me Good Night: Instructions on Raising the Perfect Parent. Here are some of the things the kids said in their one sentence responses: “Come home early.” “Stop talking on the phone and talk to me.” “Sometimes can you play with me instead of saying no?” “Take care of me till the end of my day.” “If you get mad at me remember to forgive me.” Did you hear what they were saying? They want to know if they are special. They want your time and attention. They want to know if they are important to you? If so, you need to show them. It’s called nurturing.
Love and nurturing are not something that happens when children are looked upon as an inconvenience. Aaron and Tranda Wecker, who live in St. Louis, were blessed with twins. Kiara and Keyara were healthy and normal girls. But Aaron and Tranda separated, and Tranda needed some money. She sold her twins over the Internet to a California couple for $6,000. But when she learned she could get more for them, she took them back after two months and sold them to a British couple who paid $12,000. The ten-month-old twins are now back in the States since the biological parents are now separately seeking custody. The girls are being called the “Internet Twins.” The mother’s attorney had the audacity to say, “I don’t believe it will be difficult to persuade this court that Tranda is a good caregiver. She’s always taken care of her children.” If being a caregiver means placing a glass of milk in front of children, then she may be an adequate caregiver. But that is a long way from being a nurturing parent. And the trouble is that our culture does not seem to know there is a difference. How could a mother ever have sold her own children if she loved them and was committed to them? The selfishness of this culture is destroying our basic humanity as well as our families, and only God can turn this around as he comes into our lives and our families.
The third thing we must understand about God’s purpose for the family is: The family is where we learn about values and character. Here is the basic job of a parent: To help your child realize that they are not the center of the universe. They are not here to be served. They are not here to use others, but to serve others. Your job is to show them how not to be selfish and how to respect other people. You need to train them about what it means to be a good person; a caring person. They need to learn from you, not the school, and not even the church, what it means to have integrity. The Bible says, “Train a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). The Lord said, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). When you teach your children to obey you, you are enabling them to one day obey God. Obedience is a fundamental lesson of life. If you teach them to obey you only when they feel like it, they will be unprepared for life — and certainly unprepared for a relationship with God.
I am amazed when I hear parents say, “I’m not going to force my religion on my children. I don’t think they should be made to come to church when they don’t want to. I want them to make up their own minds when they grow up.” May I ask those people a few simple questions? How do you expect them to make a choice when they don’t even know what the options are? If they have never been exposed to church, how do you expect them to know what they are rejecting later? If they have never been exposed to the love of God and his moral law, how do you expect them to make moral decisions and have their hearts open to a relationship with God? If your faith isn’t important enough to you, so that you share it with them and make sure they are exposed to Christ’s teachings, what would ever make you think it will someday become important to them? Do you really expect them to become a good person when they have never been exposed to the fact that there is a divine moral authority in the universe beyond themselves?
Our problem is that we have expected the schools and the church to do what we should have been doing in our homes all along. How can your family find God’s purpose and begin to live it out? I can tell you some simple things that will immediately improve your family life by 50% if you will do them. You could begin by having devotions together. You can pray as a family. You can read the Word of God together, or other great Christian literature. One of the things we loved to do when our girls were young was to read C. S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia together in the evening. You can talk about values and moral issues with your children. You can teach by example. You can talk about the importance of serving each other. You can let your children see you spending time with God. You can take them with you as you help someone in need. Volunteer as a family at Interchurch or Habitat. You can limit the time your family spends in front of the television and carefully screen the programs you do watch. You can discuss the ethics and morality reflected in the programs you allow them to watch. You can guard your children’s Internet use and throw away violent computer games. You can pray for the members of your family every day and let them know it.
Max Lucado, in his book In the Eye of the Storm, retells a story of Clovis Chappell, a minister from a century back. It was the story of two paddleboats. He says: “They left Memphis about the same time, traveling down the Mississippi River to New Orleans. As they traveled side by side, sailors from one vessel made a few remarks about the snail’s pace of the other. Words were exchanged. Challenges were made. And the race began. Competition became vicious as the two boats roared through the Deep South. One boat began falling behind. Not enough fuel. There had been plenty of coal for the trip, but not enough for a race. As the boat dropped back, an enterprising young sailor took some of the ship’s cargo and tossed it into the ovens. When the sailors saw that the supplies burned as well as the coal, they fueled their boat with the material they had been assigned to transport. They ended up winning the race, but burned their cargo.” Then Lucado says, “God has entrusted cargo to us, too: children, spouses.... Our job is to do our part in seeing that this cargo reaches its destination.” Your family is precious cargo, and God has given you the sacred responsibility of refusing to race through life and bringing home that precious cargo to him.
Rodney J. Buchanan
April 29, 2001
Mulberry Street United Methodist Church
Mt. Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
GOD’S PLAN FOR FAMILIES
Malachi 2:13-16
“Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring”
(Malachi 2:15).
The things we must understand about God’s plan for families are:
1. The family is where we learn to _______________ and __________________________________________ .
2. The family is where we receive _______________
and __________________________________________ .
3. The family is where we learn about ___________ and __________________________________________ .
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION (Apr 29, 2001)
1. What are some of the arrangements that pass for “family” of which you are personally aware?
2. Read Malachi 2:15. What is God’s purpose for families according to this verse? What would this mean for a family in today’s world?
3. Why is God concerned that we have godly children?
4. What or who is the greatest influence on our children? What should be?
5. Why is time such a problem for families today? Is there a solution?
6. Why is the myth of “quality time” so marketable to people in today’s culture?
7. What makes relationships rich and meaningful? What can we do to make our family relationships this way?
8. Read Deuteronomy 6:6-9. What do these Old Testament verses have to say to us today?
9. Read Proverbs 22:6. How do you feel after reading this verse?
10. What is the best part of being a family?
