Some Myths About Dating, Marriage & Divorce IV
7./9/00 Song Of Songs 4:1-7 Ephesians 4:1-7
Today we will be continuing our series on some myths about dating marriage and divorce. We will be focusing in on the love languages in marriage today, and next time in our final message we will deal with the topic of divorce. Today’s lesson is not only important to help us in marriage, but the love languages we will be discussing can be used as tools to help you understand how to love your children better or to love your parents better or to love your sisters and brothers better.
The scriptures present us with a balanced view of marriage. Our Old Testament reading presented the romantic side of practically worshipping and adoring the other person, admiring his or her beauty and longing to be with them. The new Testament reading gave us the everyday reality that all marriages will have some trials and tribulations within them. Our society provided us with myths about love, which keep many of us thinking something is wrong with marriage thereby leading to unrealistic expectations about our relationships.
Another myth of love in marriage is that love means the same thing in terms of behavior for everybody. Everybody has a language, but it does not mean you automatically understand it. What’s going to happen if you only speak English and your Spouse only speaks Chinese. Chances are unless you’re willing to learn the other person’s language and he or she yours, your relationship will not reach the potential it could have.
There are at least five different love languages that people have. A good marriage is going to be based on knowing, what is this other person’s love language and then doing it so that the other person feels loved by you. If you ever hear, you don’t act like you love me and you respond, “what do you mean I don’t love you, these bills are getting paid aren’t they" or "I gave you these five children didn’t I". You obviously do not understand the person’s language.
Gary Chapman has a book on the Five Love Languages which can help you in greater detail than I’m going to give. The first love language is words of affirmation. Do you notice how often God affirms His love for us. He calls us a chosen people, a royal people, the elect, my children, children of light and the called out ones. We all need to be affirmed in life by some of us have an even greater need than others.
Some people only feel loved when you tell them positive things about themselves. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are very powerful communicators of love. If you’re married to a person who has this love language, but you don’t offer compliments because either, you don’t want them to get a big head or you just not the type to give out compliments, then you are hurting your spouse. They may be feeling as though nothing they do will ever please you. All though this may not be your intention, it’s the feeling they are receiving. The emotional blows are just as powerful as if you were hitting them with a boxing glove.
Your spouse may thrive off of your encouragement to him or to her to pursue their dreams in life. It’s important to be able to affirm and encourage the person in something he or she wants to do, rather than trying to force them into something you might want them to do. Quite often there are things which are being done well by the other person, but we have taken them for granted for so long, we no longer compliment them on what they have done.
Compliments and encouragement cost very little, yet some of us do it so rarely you’d think it costs 1,000’s of dollars. Another subset of words of Affirmation are kind words. If our words are sharp and critical when we speak to our spouse, we are destroying the joy which could be ours. God does not call us to speak to our spouses as though they were the child and we the parent. There are no sergeants and privates in marriage. We all have the same rank.
We can share our hurt, our pain and even our anger with each other in a kind manner. The bible tells us in Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The words we share and the tone we use, are either helping or hurting our spouse and our marriage. We need to be willing to speak before we speak, even when we are angry. Again we are told in Prov 12:18 "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Do our words tend to bring wounds into our relationships or do they bring healing?
The second love language is quality time. A person with this language needs for you to give them your undivided attention. You have to cut back on work, cut back on TV, stop doing the chores, forget about the cleaning and just focus in on this other person. You may say I’m too busy and there is just too much to do. We have all the time to do what’s needed to be done, and that’s all the time we’re going to have. If we look in the Scriptures we find that Jesus knew the disciples He loved need some quality time with Him. The Scriptures tell us on several occasions, took the disciples aside to just be with them without the crowd and business of ministry.
Our society wants us to base success on how much money we make and how many toys and gadgets we fill our homes and cars with. Let me tell you this. In a family where love is real, your love is not measured by how much money you make, but rather by how much time you actually give to them. If we are married to a person whose love language is quality time and we do not give this person the time he or she needs, the person will resent whatever we give our time to be it the job, the kids, the church, the sports, or whatever.
If you’re married to this person, you have got to give them the time in order for them to feel like they are important to you. Then the person will be free to allow you the time for the other things. A person with quality time as a love language needs for you to be willing to talk with them about both of your thoughts, feelings and desires. If you do not provide this, your spouse is going to be in pain and your relationship will suffer. What does it profit a person to gain all kind of things, and lose the people who ought to be the most important to them? One of things we appreciate most about God, is that God is always there for us in our time of need. Although we cannot always be there, we should be willing to be there for each other as much as we can. That’s one of the vows we make in marriage. Far too often, the things we go in pursuit after, become more important than building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Relationships do not stay the same. They are either declining or growing depending on the choices we are making.
The third love language is receiving gifts. Some people feel most loved only when you give them things. The things do not have to be expensive. It’s the realization that you were thinking of them that makes them feel loved. It may be picking up a flower on the way home, bringing home a tool that he may need, buying a necklace or a tie. Making his or her favorite meal.
Gifts are visible symbols of love. If your spouse’s face really lights up when you give them a surprise gift, then this might be their love language or you haven’t given them anything in so long, they can’t handle it. Very often, when dating this person, what attracted them to you was you were always giving them little things. They didn’t cost much, but they were special to the person because you gave them. You may have stopped the gifts once you got married because you felt you had won the person over and there was no longer any need to try to bribe the person into marrying you. However the other person is feeling, you don’t care about them much any more or that he or she is no longer special in your eyes. That’s not true and that’s not how you feel, but in marriage our perceptions can be more important than truth. Those of us who think, we simply cannot afford to be giving gifts, think about this. If that person was killed in an accident tomorrow, we’d be thinking, I’d give anything just to have one more chance to give him or her one more thing.
The fourth love language is acts of service. Acts of service means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. Your intent is to do things you know are going to please the other person. It may be painting a room, taking out the trash, making up a bed, cleaning up after the dog, doing the lawn, dusting the shelves, filling the car with gas, washing the car, picking up the kids. Acts of service require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.
If you’re married to this person, just telling them how great they are or spending time with them, or bringing home a gift are all nice things to do, but they are not going to feel loved until you do some things that need to be done. Jesus demonstrated acts of service when he washed the disciples feet. It was done for there benefit, not his.
If you think the other person is nagging you too much, it may be their love language is acts of service, and you’re not getting around to things which need to be done. Your marriage will improve greatly if you look for what the person would like to have done, and do it before they get the chance to ask you to do it. Some people could greatly enhance their sex lives just by washing the dishes, or cleaning out the car or picking up after themselves. If you do things for a person with this love language, he or she will go out of his or her way to do something to please you. Love is a choice. It cannot be coerced nor can it be commanded. The person with this love language has to understand that everybody does not see the world as he or she sees it as a task waiting to be done, nor are they intentionally trying to hurt them by not working on a project.
The fifth love language is physical touch. Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a much more healthier emotional life. To touch my body is to touch me. To show that I am out of relationship to you, I refuse to reach out and even shake your hand. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally. Physical touch goes from holding hands, rubbing my shoulders, bumping against each other, and on to sexual intercourse. It simply means touching me in a way that I enjoy it.
Some spouses need for you to touch them on a regular basis. A lot is communicated by a squeeze on the hand or shoulder. Holding hands symbolizes the ones you share. Some spouses need for you to embrace them, especially in times of crises. What is it that in hugging each other we can find tremendous healing and strength. John the disciple whom Jesus loved, had no problem leaning upon Jesus.
In marriage, p hysical touch does not always mean sex. Men often think, because they want more sex, that this is their primary love language it may not be. For instance, if your love language is that you need to be encouraged, but your spouse never offers you encouragement but rather puts you down, you will lose your sexual attraction to her. But for those who have physical touch as a love language, to withhold sex from the person is the ultimate in rejection. Sex is usually a climax of a love language and not necessarily a love language itself. If we deprive one another of our love language area, sex is not going to be all that it could be for either person.
A person who complains that a spouse is cold, frigid, distant or the like in sex is usually not fulfilling that person’s love language. Not always but usually. If we are both willing to submit ourselves to God’s plans for our lives, we can overcome the sexual problems which come up in our marriages. Far too often, the problem is not what’s going on in the bedroom, but rather what’s happening in the day to day, moment to moment interactions in our lives.
God has made us unique. He intended for us to cherish and enjoy one another as mates. If we let go of our myths, we can discover the gift of loving each other in fresh and new ways. As Jesus gave completely of Himself, in the shedding of his blood and the breaking of His body, we are called to do no less on behalf of our spouses. May God give us the strength and the courage to do so.
a. Communicating Emotional Love
b. Babies Held, Hugged, Kissed
c. Withdraw Touch—Withdraw Emotionally
d. Different Kinds Of Touch -Sqeeeze, Shoulder, Back
e. Touching He/She Enjoys
f. Touch Symbolizes Oneness
g. Healing Power Of Touch In A Crisis
h. Physical Touch Not Necessarily Sex
G. Sex A Culmination Of Other Languages
a. Enjoyment Does Not Mean Primary Language
b. Lack Of Supply Of Love Language Diminishes Enjoyment Of Sex
c. Charges Made Against A Spouse
d. Examine One’s Own Behavior
e. Problems Resolved With Submission
f. Not Bedroom But Other Rooms Of Interaction
H. God Has Made Un Unique
a . Jesus Gave Completely Of Himself
b. Our Call To Be Like Christ
c. May God Grant Us Strength & Wisdom
Sermon Outline Pastor Rick
Some Myths About D?, M?, D? Part IV
7/9/2000 Song Of Songs 4:1-7 1 Corin.7:1-28
I Recapturing Some Of The Myths In Marriage
A. Society Distorts Love & Marriage-
a. Marriage Myth---We Will Always Be In Love
b. Marriage Myth---What It Was Like
Before-
c. Marriage Myth---I’ll Never See Another That Will Turn My Head”
d. It Does Not Matter If You Say You’re Sorry
e. I’m An Expert On You
II Focus On Love Languages In Marriage
A. Five Love Languages
a. Next Week Divorce
a. Lesson Beneficial To All Relationships
B. Scriptures Present Balance View Of Marriage
a. Song Of Songs--Romance, Worship Adoration,
b. 1 Corinthians--Some Trials, Tribulations
But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. 1 Corinthians 7:28b
C. Society Distorts Love--
III Marriage Myth—Love Means The Same To All
A. All Have A Language
a. English & Chinese---Something Missing
B. What’s Your Language--You Don’t Love Me
a. The Bills Being Paid
b. Look At These 5 Kids
c. Missing The Point
C. Gary Chapman—5 Love Languages
D. Language One—Words Of Affirmation
a. Positive Things, Verbal Compliments
b. God Affirms--chosen, royal, elect, light, called out
c. People Need Affirmation
d. Big Head—Just Not Me
e. Throwing Emotional Blows
f. Encouragement For Their Dreams
g. Taking Things For Granted
h. Compliments & The Costs Involved
i. Kind Words---Tone
j. Not Parent/ Child Nor Sergeants & Privates
k. A Way To Share Pain & Hurt
Prov 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Prov 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
l. Wounder Or Healer?
E. Language Two—Quality Time
a. Cut Back TV, Chores, Games, Cleaning
b. Not Interested In Money But In You
c. We Have All The Time
d. Jesus Gave The Disciples Time
e. Love Not # Of Gadgets & Things
f. Resentment Of Activities
g. Time Equated With Number One Position
h. Talk With Me.
i. Pain And Marriage Suffer
j. God Always There----Our Vows
d. Take Care Of Me & Then Look Out
F. Love Language Three—Receiving Gifts
a. The Thought Is In The Gift
b. Not Expensive—Flower, Tool, Pizza, Tie
c. Visible Symbols
d. Spouse Lights Up When Gift Given
e. Attracted To You Because Of Gift
f. The Task Is Not Over In Marriage
g. Does He/She Care
h. No Longer Special
i. Perceptions/Not Truth
j. Today Promised Tomorrow Not
G. Love Language Four—Acts Of Service
a. Do What’s Going To Please Them
b. Jesus And Acts Of Service
c. Paint, Trash, Clean, Car, Kids,
d. Require Thought, Planning Time, Effort
e. Can’t Tell, Or Buy, Must Do--Action
f. Nagging Is A Sign
g. Love Is Choice Not Coerced Or Demanded
h. Enhance Your Sex Lives By
i. Remember Others See The World Differently
j. No Intentional Sabotage
H. Love Language Five---Physical Touch
