Some Myths About Dating, Marriage & Divorce III
6/4/00 Proverbs 3:1-11 Hebrews 13:1-8
For Christians, The date you set for your wedding, should not be based upon how much money you need to save for an elaborate wedding. It should not be based on how many more years of school you have left. It should not be based on having a secure financial future. The bible provides us with how to set the date. God assumes that the primary desire of a Christian couple is to be obedient in His eyes so that He can bless and prosper the relationship.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Notice it says in all you ways acknowledge Him. How many of you realize it includes being engaged. Don’t be wise in your own eyes, In other words, don’t try to con God or this other person. Notice what God promises when we do things his way. Health and nourishment.
How do you know when its time to marry. When you are willing to make a commitment to the other person to stand by his or her side and work together to face whatever obstacles come your way. There will never be a perfect time to get married in which every obstacle can be removed. How do you know what the date should be. It is found in 1 Cor 7:9 " But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
Your date should be based on how well are you controlling yourselves in keeping your relationship pure sexually in the eyes of God. It is ridiculous for you to plan to get married a year from now or two years from now, and know that you can barely control yourselves when you’re alone, or know that you intend to be in each other’s dorm room or apartment late at night throughout that one or two year period. If you are falling into this trap of being involved sexually with each other, but do not want to give up your dream wedding, it is better for you to get married in the pastor’s office or justice of the peace, and then have your large wedding party somewhere in the future.
If you’re not ready for marriage that’s okay, but the cost may be breaking off the relationship as part of picking up your cross in order to remain set apart for God’s use. Now if you’ve made a commitment not to be in sexually tempting situations, then you may hold on to the relationship as long as you want but know that it’s not going to be easy. There’s nothing in the bible about having to know somebody for six weeks, six months, or six years before marrying. Isaac saw Rebekkah, they were married that night and stayed married over 40 years before he died.
Too many of us are setting aside the word of God and God’s blessings on our relationships merely because of convenience, personal pleasure, or wanting to impress others more than we want to please God. A ring on your finger does not do the same thing as a marriage license on your wall. That ring may have been used on several different fingers. You are a child of God and you need not settle for anything less than the best for your life. It’s important to let Jesus be the Lord of your dating and engagement period. Don’t let dating or being engaged cause you to miss out on the good things God has in store for your life.
Now let’s look at some myths about marriage. The first myth is that “we will always be in love with each other.” Now romantic love feels good. You can’t wait to see each other. You can’t wait to talk to each other. You want to be together every moment. Although the falling in love phase feels real good, it is not real love. It is not real love enduring love because it is not a conscious choice or act of the will. We do not make it happen. It happens at inopportune time, with unlikely people. It takes almost no work on our part. It’s like a bird building a nest. We do things by instinct. We are not so much as interested in the development of the other person as we are ending our own loneliness. Falling in love is like an addiction. It’s an emotional high, and you will come down from it.
I know Whitney did a beautiful job of singing, “I’ll always love you”, but is it reality. Love changes with time. A psychologist did a long range study of numerous couples and found that the average life-span of romantic obsession is two years. This means you get about two years to have a relationship run on instinctive feeling. Most couples think romantic love is the ultimate, and that they have arrived. No romantic love is to be the gateway to real love where you are committed to this person no matter what. We glamorize romance, but it’s the love in which we choose to obey God even when we do not feel like it which builds relationship. Just like you can’t live off the bread you ate two weeks ago, you cannot have a happy marriage based on the love you had two years ago.
. Couples have to learn how to fall in love again and again Only now you have to make a conscious effort to produce that love, by constantly seeking what is best for the other person. This means you are now willing to make some real changes. This is why men are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. This is why wives are commanded to respect their husbands. Real love which lasts is based on decisions to do conscious things. It is only by doing these conscious things voluntarily that romantic love has the opportunity to blossom again and again.
Another myth about marriage is what you were like before you married me is what you will be like after we were married. Remember, you were both trying to win each other. Too often, before marriage we try to please the other person. After marriage, we think it’s the other person job to keep us happy. Before marriage, we do not necessarily follow traditional roles. When you were dating, he would help you with the dishes when he came over to your home. You think its because he’s the kind of man who is willing to do housework. No, it’s because he wants to be with you. She goes to games. You think its because she likes sports. No it’s because she wants to be with you.
After marriage, you expect him to help out with the housework. He grew up in a family where only the women do the housework. His helping you before marriage did not change his view. He simply thinks the role of the wife is to the housework. Now that you’re married she’s complaining about you going to the games, and watching too many games on TV. You thought she had loved sports. It wasn’t the sport, it was the being with you that meant a lot. Only she now wants to be with you, but doing some of the things she likes to do. She also wants you to fix some of the things around the house. You don’t know the difference between a hammer and pair plyers. But her father always fixed things in the home, and she assumed you would do the same. We have different ideas of the roles we are going to play in our families and this causes some of the problems the Bible promised us we would have.
Another myth is, “I’m so in love with you, I’ll never look at another man or woman?” Getting married does not automatically terminate your ability to be attracted to someone else or to even fall in love with someone else. Remember, falling in love takes no effort and happens at inopportune times. Anyone who thinks they can never fall to sexual temptation simply because they are married is being foolish.
There is somebody out there who can turn your head, and make you hesitate about keeping your vows. The key is not in thinking we are invincible, but in knowing we have to set some realistic limits with the opposite sex. No married person has any business flirting with someone talking about how fine they are, or what you would like to do if you had not been married and the like. No married person, should be going to dinner with members of the opposite sex alone. No married person should just be hanging out in places where somebody might come along.
Those of you who are single, need to recognize, just because people are married does not mean they do not have their eyes on you. Don’t get in a mess thinking, oh this person is married, I know I can trust him or her to come over. You never invite a married person to something without inviting their spouse. Every married person needs to answer the question, if I give in to this temptation, what’s going to happen when everybody finds out what I have done. What will it do to my spouse, my children, my future and my walk with the Lord. Always say, yes, I will be found out and get caught.
Another Myth in Marriage is “I don’t need to say I’m Sorry”, I’ll just do something to make up for it. Your marriage is like a bridge. Every time a boat goes under the bridge and hits the pylons holding up the bridge, the bridge is a little weaker. Every time we hurt the other person and does not admit it by saying I’m sorry, we put a crack in our bridge. Confession is the only way to put concrete in the crack and make it strong again.
But if we do not admit our wrongs and ask for forgiveness, one day we do something and the whole thing collapses. The other person leaves. We think, “I did a lot worse things than what I did last week when she or he left.” You see it’s not the biggest mistake you make on your job that gets you fired. It’s the last mistake you made. That last pain you inflicted on your spouse, combined with all the other pain which you never admitted to and confessed, brought the whole thing to the ground. The change illustration.
Another myth in marriage is that because “I’ve played the field so many times, I know what it takes to please you.” Have you ever studied hard for a test in school and was all prepared for that bad boy and then you got the exam only to discover you had studied the wrong chapter. Your wife or your husband is unique. What you did with Mary or Bill is not going to help you now. There was a song, “I’m not Lisa, my name is Julie.”
Whenever we try to bring in other previous relationships into our marriage there is going to be trouble. We do not need to be comparing our spouses to previous relationships or projecting on to them, qualities that previous lovers and spouses had. A healthy marriage is based on what the two of you learn about each other from each other. Forget what you saw in some movie or read in some love book. This person may not want you blowing in his or her ear, or putting your tongue on his or her nose or you trying to talk French or whatever. As husband and wife, you learn how to please the other person. You do not come in as some expert, because everybody is different.
Another myth of marriage is that love means the same thing in terms of behavior for everybody. Everybody has a language, but it does not mean you automatically understand it. What’s going to happen if you only speak English and your Spouse only speaks Chinese. Chances are unless you’re willing to learn the other person’s language and he or she yours, your relationship will not reach the potential it could have.
There are at least five different love languages that people have. A good marriage is going to be based on knowing, what is this other person’s love language and then doing it so that the other person feels loved by you. If you ever hear, you don’t act like you love me and you respond, “what do you mean, these bills getting paid ain’t they.” You obviously do not understand the person’s language.
Gary Chapman has a book on the Five Love Languages which can help you in greater detail than I’m going to give. The first love language is words of affirmation. Some people only feel loved when you tell them positive things about themselves. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are very powerful communicators of love. If you’re married to a person who has this love language, but you don’t offer compliments because either, you don’t want them to get a big head or you just not the type to give out compliments, then you are hurting your spouse. Your spouse may thrive off of your encouragement to him or to her to pursue their dreams in life.
Compliments and encouragement cost very little, yet some of us do it so rarely you’d think it costs 1,000’s of dollars. Another subset of words of Affirmation are kind words. If our words are sharp and critical when we speak to our spouse, we are destroying the joy which could be ours. We can share our hurt, our pain and even our anger with each other in a kind manner. The words we share and the tone we use, are either helping our hurting our spouse and our marriage.
The second love language is quality time. A person with this language needs for you to give them your undivided attention. You have to cut back on work, cut back on TV, stop doing the chores, forget about the cleaning and just focus in on this other person. Your love is measured not by how much money you make, but rather by how much time you actually give to them. If we do not give this person the time he or she needs, the person will resent whatever we give our time to be it the job, the kids, the church, the sports, or whatever.
If you’re married to this person, you have got to give them the time first. Then the person will be free to allow you the time for the other things. A person with quality time as a love language needs for you to be willing to talk with them about both of your thoughts, feelings and desires. If you do not provide this, your spouse is going to be in pain and your relationship will suffer.
The third love language is receiving gifts. Some people feel most loved only when you give them things. The things do not have to be expensive. It’s the realization that you were thinking of them that makes them feel loved. It may be picking up a flower on the way home, bringing home a tool that he may need, buying a necklace or a tie. Gifts are visible symbols of love. If your spouse’s face really lights up when you give them a surprise gift, then this might be their love language or you haven’t given them anything in so long, they can’t handle it. Too often, when dating this person, what attracted them to you was you were always giving them little things. They didn’t cost much, but they were special to the person because you gave them.
The fourth love language is acts of service. Acts of service means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. Your intent is to do things you know are going to please the other person. It may be painting a room, taking out the trash, making up a bed, cleaning up after the dog, doing the lawn, dusting the shelve, filling the car with gas, washing the car, picking up the kids. Acts of service require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.
If you’re married to this person, just telling them how great they are or spending time with them, or bringing home a gift are all nice things to do, but they are not going to feel loved until you do some things that need to be done. Jesus demonstrated acts of service when he washed the disciples feet. It was done for there benefit, not his.
If you think the other person is nagging you too much, it may be their love language is acts of service, and you’re not getting around to things which need to be done. Your marriage will improve greatly if you look for what the person would like to have done, and do it before they get the chance to ask you to do it. Love is a choice. It cannot be coerced nor can it be commanded.
The fifth love language is physical touch. Physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a much more healthier emotional life. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally. Physical touch goes from holding hands, rubbing my shoulders, bumping against each other, and on to sexual intercourse. It simply means touching me in a way that I enjoy it.
Some spouses need for you to touch them. They need for you to embrace them, especially in times of crises.` Physical touch does not always mean sex. Men often think, because they want more sex, that this is their primary love language it may not be. For instance, if your love language is that you need to be encouraged, but your spouse never offers you encouragement but rather puts you down, you will lose your sexual attraction to her. But for those who have physical touch as a love language, to withhold sex from the person is the ultimate in rejection .Sex is usually a climax of a love language and not necessarily a love language itself. If we deprive one another of our love language area, sex is not going to be all that it could be for either person. A person who complains that a spouse is cold, frigid, distant or the like in sex is usually not fulfilling that person’s love language. Not always but usually.
God has made us unique. If we let go of our myths, we can discover the gift of loving each other in fresh and new ways.
b. Not Interested In Money But In You
c. Resentment Of Activities
d. Take Care Of Me & Then Look Out
L. Love Language Three—Receiving Gifts
a. The Thought Is In The Gift
b. Not Expensive—Flower, Tool, Pizza, Tie
c. Visible Symbols
d. Spouse Lights Up When Gift Given
e. Attracted To You Because Of Gift
M. Love Language Four—Acts Of Service
a. Do What’s Going To Please Them
b. Jesus And Acts Of Service
c. Paint, Trash, Clean, Car, Kids,
d. Require Thought, Planning Time, Effort
e. Can’t Tell, Or Buy, Must Do
f. Love Is Choice Not Coerced Or Demanded
N. Love Language Five---Physical Touch
a. Communicating Emotional Love
b. Babies Held, Hugged, Kissed
c. Withdraw Touch—Withdraw Emotionally
d. Different Kinds Of Touch
e. Physical Touch Not Necessarily Sex
O. Sex A Culmination Of Other Languages
a. Charges Made Against A Spouse
b. Examine One’s Own Behavior
P. God Had Made Us Unique
Sermon Outline Pastor Rick
Some Myths About D?, M?, D? Part III
6/4/2000 Prov. 3:1-11 Hebr. 13:1-8
I Catching Up From Last Week
A. Setting The Date Factors Or Not
a. Size Wedding,
b. Years In School
c. Financial Security
B. Christian’s Primary Desire Is Obedience For Blessing
Prov 3:5-8 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
C. Wait Until The Perfect Time?
D. The Controlling Factor Is On You & God
1 Cor 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
II Is Our Relationship Pure In God’s Eyes
A. Where Are Setting Yourself Up
B. Is A Year Or Two Too Much Or Too Little
C. Where Will You Be Spending Time
D. Getting Married Twice
E. But I’m Not Ready---Pick Up Your Cross
F. No Time Specified Before Marrying
a. 6 Weeks, Months, Years
b. Isaac & Rebekah
G. Setting Aside The Word Of God
a. Convenience, Personal Pleasure, Trying To Impress Others
b. Be Not Deceived By A Ring On A Finger—
III Marriage Myth---We Will Always Be In Love
A. Those Romantic Feels
B. Let’s Do It All Together
C. Not Based On Conscious Choice
D. Instinct, Emotional High
E. Thanks Whitney But…..
F. The Two year Cycle
a. Last Week Food & This Weeks
b. Gateway To The Real Thing
c. Conscious Decisions
d. Husbands Love—Wives Respect
e. Way To Fall In Love Again
IV Marriage Myth---What It Was Like Before-Will Be What’s It’s Like After
A. I Please You----You Please Me
B. The Dishes Why? The Sports Why?
C. Marriage & Roles ---But, Before
D. Hammer? Pliers, My Father My Mom
V Marriage Myth---I’ll Never See Another That Will Turn My Head”
A. Marriage Does Not Turn Off Sensors
B. Falling In Love Can Happen—Temptation Real
C. Nobody Invincible---Walls Required
D. Flirting, Dinner, Hanging Out
E. Singles Watch Out
VI Marriage Myth—It Does Not Really Matter If You Say You’re Sorry—He/She Understands
A. The Bridge Of Marriage
B. The Assaults On The Pylons
C. Building Our Cracks
D. Confession Is Cement
E. Gone-But I Did A Lot Worse Things
F. Not Biggest Mistake—But Last Mistake
G. Keep Some Change In Your Pocket
VII Marriage Myth—I Played The Field So I Know What It Takes To Please You
A. The Exam I Studied Hard To Pass
B. Bill & Sue Don’t Count
C. I’m Not Lisa, My Name Is Julie
D. Trouble Comes With Past Relationship
E. Healthy Marriage Based On Learning
F. Ears, Noses, & French—No Experts On Me
VIII Marriage Myth—Love Means The Same
Q. All Have A Language
R. English & Chinese---Something Missing
S. You Don’t Act Like You Love Me
T. Gary Chapman—5 Love Languages
U. Language One—Words Of Affirmation
a. Positive Things, Verbal Compliments
b. Big Head—Just Not Me
c. Encouragement For Dreams
d. Compliments Y Costs
e. Kind Words---Tone
f. Helping Or Hurting?
V. Language Two—Quality Time
a. Cut Back TV, Chores, Games, Cleaning
