Some Myths About Dating, Marriage & Divorce II
5/28/00 Proverbs 3:1-8 1 Corinthians 7:1-28
Last week I informed you I would be preaching a series of messages dealing with dating, marriage and divorce. The foundation which was laid to build upon involved us knowing four thing about ourselves individually. They are each of us is somebody special with a tremendous value in the eyes of God, each of us has a unique purpose in life, God has good in mind for each of us, and each of us has been set apart by God for special use. God told us to be holy even as He is holy. This requirement by God limits what we can and cannot do whether we are involved in relationships or not.
Now when it comes to being involved with members of the opposite sex, one of the best pieces of advice comes from the great theological writings of the The Main Ingredients. It goes like this, "Everybody plays the fool. There’s no exception to the rule, Listen baby If may be factual it may be cruel. I ain’t lying, everybody plays the fool. Falling in love is such an easy thing to do, but there’s no guarantee that the one you love, is going to love you. Heaven on earth is all you see, but that might not be reality, love runs deeper than any ocean it crowds your mind with emotions. How can you help it when the music starts to playing, and your ability to reason is swept away.
In dealing with our myths about dating, the first myth we hit was "there is a perfect person out there waiting for me to find him or her." Most of us admitted even a perfect person would get on our nerves at time. There is not a perfect person waiting to be found. The second myth we dealt with was, "you need to test drive someone before making a purchase." We are not used cars, but children of God, set apart by God. We are too expensive to be taken off the lot without first signing on the dotted line paid in full.
The third myth we looked at was "since we had a great time on the date, it must be God’s will for me to marry this person." A date is simply a date. Neither person is obligated to go out again with the other. If you’re not interested in a person in the same way they are interested in you, then it is better to tell them sooner rather than later. It will hurt either way, but it will hurt a lot less earlier than later. It will also keep you from being tempted to use your advantage in the relationship. The person who is least interested in the relationship has the most power in the relationship. That person has the least to lose.
We looked at the myth, "It does not matter if the other person is a Christian or not, we can still have a great relationship." God warns us against trying to put light and darkness together and thinking it will all be fine. When you discover the other person is not a Christian, you need to set some immediate standards and put a hedge about yourself. Otherwise, the person will draw you closer to the world, than you will draw them to the church. When Katy met Walter, he was not in anybody’s church. Katy told him up front, if you want to date me, you’ve got to go to church. Walter was no fool, he started going to church. If the person you’re dating refuses to accept this, why continue to pursue the relationship.
God knows that many of us will deceive ourselves when it comes to relationships. He also knows of our ability to play the fool. That’s why He put in Proverbs 4:23, "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." If you do not guard your heart, you will find yourselves falling in love with all kinds of people. Even those who you know are off limits to you. There was another singing group with the warning, "once you fall in love, it’s heavy falling out." Most of us here have shed some tears from some lost love, but once we saw what God had for us down the road, we shouted hallelujah.
Now when we move from dating and are edging toward engagement, we want to know is this the right one for me. The bible gives us clear direction on whether or not the Lord has chosen just one person for you. I know it does not sound super romantic, but the answer is no. The bible tells us that there are some definitely wrong people for you to marry. Common sense should also tell you, there are some definite no- no’s out there. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:39 " A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. "
God says, a person is free to marry anyone he or she wants to, as long as the person is in the Lord. If you don’t like him, so what if somebody prophesies this is your husband. You still have the final say so. Just because someone is a Christian, does not mean they will make a good husband or wife for you. There may be some weaknesses or liabilities this person has that you do not want to have to deal with, and that’s perfectly okay with the Lord. Jesus came that you might have life, not struggle all your life trying to get along with somebody you did not want to be with in the first place.
Now let’s move from dating to engagement. The next myth involved is that "engagement means we are just about married and now the rules are different for us." This is a trap many believers fall into in the engagement period. In the bible in the New Testament an engagement meant the marriage was pretty much a done deal. The only thing you were waiting for was to have sex with each other. The groom would come to your house with his party and take you back to his place for a banquet. Then you would go to the bedroom. Sex completed the marriage arrangement. When we look at Mary and Joseph we see they were engaged. When Joseph wanted to break the engagement, he had to go through the legal process of filing for divorce.
With us today, to announce we are engaged may mean absolutely nothing. I’m sick and tired of people living in sin telling me they are engaged, but have no wedding date planned but its going to be a year or two. That’s not an engagement. They are simply using the word engaged as a license to become sexually involved with each other. It’s still sin.
An engagement is nothing more than an announcement to the world, that we have decided to cut off dating other people as we prepare to get married on such and such a date. Without the commitment and the date, you are not engaged. It does not matter whether you have a ring or not. Engagement does not give you permission as a Christian to become sexually active, only marriage does that. God allows you to walk away from anybody you are engaged to at any time for any reason. Therefore you do not belong to that person and that person does not belong to you. God never sets us apart in order to be somebody’s playmate as we practice on marriage.
An engagement is not to be used to see if you can play marriage. An engagement period is to the time to find out whether or not your bond with this person is strong enough to make a lifetime commitment to the person. It’s the time to make up our minds about whether or not we really want to deal with certain specific issues in a person’s life. It’s a time for you to see what this person’s family and traditions are like. They will affect your marriage.
You see, when you marry a person, you’re not only marrying the person you’ve created in your head as Mr. Or Mrs. Right for me, you are also marrying the mistakes this person has made in the past as well as the present. If the person has a bad credit history, you’re marrying it. You’re marrying the person’s family. Even if you think you’re not going to have a thing to do with his or her family, you’re wrong. That person’s family values and traditions are a part of the person’s life whether you know it or not.
If that person is committed to his or her job, you’re marrying that commitment. If the person is lazy or hardworking, you’re marrying into that. Marrying does not change a person. A person wild before marriage, will be wild after marriage. A person mean before marriage will be mean after marriage. A person loving before marriage will probably be loving after marriage. You always have the right to break off an engagement when you see this is not for me.
It is a myth to get engaged with expectation of marriage thinking you are going to be someone’s night in shining armor coming to their rescue. This happens too often when you fall in love with someone who has all kinds of problem. You’re determined you’re going to help him or her get his or her lives in order and as a result he or she will love you all the more for it. It happens when someone from a higher economic bracket marries someone from a very low bracket. You think he or she should be extra grateful. It happens when someone marries someone who already has kids. There is a false notion, that the person will see this great sacrifice and added responsibility you’re making for them and he or she will love you all the more for it.
Now its okay if you choose to marry into these situations. Just remember, that was the cost for you to have this person. You do not have the right to later remind the person in an argument, "When I first met you, you had all kinds of problems, or you was living in a run down shack, or you had kids who fathers were not giving you any child support." To marry this person, you must be willing to give up the right to say this in the future, or you’re only asking for trouble. None of us are ever the knights in shining armor we think we are. Chances are that, person would have made it through life whether we came on the scene or not. We must all remember, we all bring some liabilities into the engagement relationship.
Another myth which leads toward engagement is, "since I’ve gotten pregnant or gotten her pregnant, I should go ahead and marry the father or the mother." Now if both are you are Christians, and you’re still going to continue to see each other, you do need to get married to the person. You need to do it now, rather than later. Simply living together is not an option. But if one of you is a Christian and the other is not, then making another mistake is not going to help this situation. You need to get to your pastor for counseling.
Another myth is that a large beautiful wedding is going to lead to a wonderful happy send off in marriage. The size of your wedding will have no correlation to the happiness and success of your marriage. Some of us could not even compete with the weddings of the rich and famous, and yet their marriages never see their third anniversary. Some of us had to by the 10kt rings because that’s all the money we had and we served sandwiches instead of steak and chicken dinners, but we’ve been married ten, twenty, thirty and 40 years.
For Christians, The date you set for your wedding, should not be based upon how much money you need to save for an elaborate wedding. It should not be based on how many more years of school you have left. It should not be based on having a secure financial future. The bible provides us with how to set the date. God assumes that the primary desire of a Christian couple is to be obedient in His eyes so that He can bless and prosper the relationship.
Proverbs Prov 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Notice it says in all you ways acknowledge Him. How many of you realize it includes being engaged. Don’t be wise in your own eyes, In other words, don’t try to con God or this other person. Notice what God promises when we do things his way. Health and nourishment.
How do you know when its time to marry. When you are willing to make a commitment to the other person to stand by his or her side and work together to face whatever obstacles come your way. There will never be a perfect time to get married in which every obstacle can be removed. How do you know what the date should be. It is found in 1 Cor 7:9 " But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
Your date should be based on how well are you controlling yourselves in keeping your relationship pure sexually in the eyes of God. It is ridiculous for you to plan to get married a year from now or two years from now, and know that you can barely control yourselves when you’re alone, or know that you intend to be in each other’s dorm room or apartment late at night throughout that one or two year period. If you are falling into this trap of being involved sexually with each other, but do not want to give up your dream wedding, it is better for you to get married in the pastor’s office or justice of the peace, and then have your large wedding party somewhere in the future.
If you’re not ready for marriage that’s okay, but the cost may be breaking off the relationship as part of picking up your cross in order to remain set apart for God’s use. Now if you’ve made a commitment not to be in sexually tempting situations, then you may hold on to the relationship as long as you want but know that it’s not going to be easy. There’s nothing in the bible about having to know somebody for six weeks, six months, or six years before marrying. Isaac saw Rebekkah, they were married that night and stayed married over 40 years before he died.
Too many of us are setting aside the word of God and God’s blessings on our relationships merely because of convenience, personal pleasure, or wanting to impress others more than we want to please God. A ring on your finger does not do the same thing as a marriage license on your wall. That ring may have been used on several different fingers. You are a child of God and you need not settle for anything less than the best for your life. It’s important to let Jesus be the Lord of your dating and engagement period. Don’t let dating or being engaged cause you to miss out on the good things God has in store for your life.
God says look trust me on this. I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and to give you life. The enemy wants to get at you in any way He can. This is going to be the weak spot for some of us; Do not lean on your own understanding, and do not be wise in your own eys. Therefore I leave you with this challenge from 1 Peter 1:13-16 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."
E. But I’m Not Ready---Pick Up Your Cross
F. No Time Specified Before Marrying
a. 6 Weeks, Months, Years
b. Isaac & Rebekkah
G. Setting Aside The Word Of God
a. Convenience, Personal Pleasure, Trying To Impress Others
b. Be Not Deceived By A Ring On A Finger--
c. Not The Same As License On The Wall
XI Using The Engagement To Draw Near To God
A. Give God Back A Gift
B. Receive All The Good Things God Has In Store For You
C. Be Willing To Trust God
D. The Enemy Knows This Is A Weak
E. Lean Not On Your Own Understanding
F. Challenge From God’s Word
1 Pet 1:13-16 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."
Sermon Outline Pastor Rick
Some Myths About D? M? D Part II
5/28/00 Prov. 3:1-8 1 Corin 7:1-28
I Last Week Review Foundation
A. Special With Value
B. Unique Purpose
C. God Has Good In Mind
D. Set Apart For Special Use--Be Holy
E. Limits Our Behavior
II Theological Advice On Love
A. The Main Ingredients--Everybody Plays
B. No Exceptions to The Rule
C. Heaven On Earth--Not Reality
D. Falling In Love Such An Easy Thing
III. The Dating Myths
A. There Is The Perfect Person Waiting
B. You Need To Do A Test Drive
1. Too Expensive According To God
C. Great Date Means Marriage
D. Tell Sooner Rather Than Later
1. Least Interested In Driving Seat
2. Avoid Temptation/Power
E. It Does Not Matter If Christian
1. Establish Standards/Hedges
2. You Must Of No Deal
IV. Biblical Warning To Guard Our Heart
A. God Knows Of Our Ability To Play The Fool
Prov 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
B. Once You Fall, Heavy Falling Out
C. All Have Shed Some Tears But Hallelujah
D. The Right One/The Wrong Ones
E. Some Definite No- No’s
F. God’s Freedom
1 Cor 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
G. Prophecies -Don’t Matter --You Have Final Say
H. Christian--Good Husband/Wife For Me ???
I. Jesus Came For Life-- Struggles Ahead
V. The Engagement Period
A. Trap--Rules Did Not Change
B. New Testament Engagement
C. Everything Done--Except Sex
D. Mary & Joseph ---Legal Process
E. People Hiding Behind Engagement
1. Living In Sin---No Date Set
2. Illegal License
F. Need Commitment & Date Not Just Ring
G. Free To Walk Away--You Don’t Own & You Don’t Belong
VI Engagement Purpose
A. Announcement To Limit & Discover
B. Do I Want A Lifetime Commitment
C. Make Up Minds, Family, Friends, Issues
D. Marrying More Than Mr/Ms Right
E. Credit, Traditions, Family, Job
F. Behaviors Before
VII Myth Of The Knight In Shining Armor
A. The Person With Problems
B. The Person With Wealth
C. The Person With Kids
D. Never Say It--It Was The Cost
E. They Would Have Made It Without You
VIII. The Myth I’m Pregnant I Must Get Married
A. Two Christians In A Dilemma
B. A Christian And A Non Christian
IX The Myth Of The Beautiful Wedding
A. Size Happiness Correlation
B. 10kt Ring & Sandwiches
C. Setting The Date Factors Or Not
1. Size Wedding,
2. Years In School
3. Financial Security
D. Christian’s Primary Desire Is Obedience For Blessing
Prov 3:5-8 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
E. Wait Until The Perfect Time?
F. The Controlling Factor Is On You & God
1 Cor 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
X Is Our Relationship Pure In God’s Eyes
A. Where Are Setting Yourself Up
B. Is A Year Or Two Too Much Or Too Little
C. Where Will You Be Spending Time
D. Getting Married Twice
