Perhaps you have seen some of the billboards that have appeared around major cities lately. They are simple messages from God. One reads: “Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be a Test. – God” Others say things like: “My Way Is the Highway. – God”, and “Will The Road You’re on Get You to My Place? – God” But one that was sure to grab the attention of a lot of people said, “Loved the Wedding, Invite Me to the Marriage. – God” This morning I want to talk about inviting God into your marriage. It is important that you purposely invite God to come into your marriage relationship. It makes a difference. You are either cooperating with God’s plan for marriage or fighting it, and it is important for you to find God’s plan. Finding God’s plan allows you to enjoy your marriage, and fighting it leads to an unfulfilling relationship.
How do you find God’s plan for your marriage? It comes by understanding his purpose for marriage. First of all, to understand God’s plan for marriage we must understand that: It is a place where we learn about commitment. We know so little about commitment today. The number of unmarried couples living together has increased from 523,000 in 1970 to 4,236,000 in 1998. Professor Roger Rubin, a specialist in family studies at the University of Maryland, says, “We estimate that by the year 2000, half of all American adults will have had a cohabiting experience by the age of 30.” But several studies recently done in this field have found that couples who live together have an 80 percent greater chance of divorce than those who don’t, and that women who live with a man before marriage are twice as likely to experience domestic violence. A National Center for Mental Health study revealed that women who live with men they are not married to experience depression four times more than married women, and two times greater than single women. There is far more infidelity by both partners. In a survey of over 100 couples who lived together, 71 percent of the women said they would not live-in again. The Scriptures have always said what secular sociologists are only recently concluding through these studies, that living together without the commitment of marriage is not conducive to a fulfilling relationship — even if the couple eventually marries.
The Bible says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4). Throughout the Scriptures, God’s relationship to his people is talked about in terms of a marriage relationship. Commitment, love and passion are the elements of our relationship with God that parallel his design for marriage. Our marriages are to mirror our relationship with God. And the greatest thing that we experience from God is his commitment to us. Even in the Old Testament God demonstrates his loving faithfulness and commitment to his people by having the prophet Hosea marry a prostitute who is continually unfaithful to him. Though she was married to him, her children were not his children. Time after time Hosea brought his wife home — finally buying her back out of the sexual slave trade, after her last lover tired of her and sold her. God was showing through Hosea that his commitment to his people was marked by unremitting commitment. God has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). This is the kind of commitment from God that indelibly marks our relationship with him.
In our culture, we allow our emotions to rule us. We talk about “falling” in love or out of love, as though it were something beyond our control. But God was saying that his commitment went beyond how he felt about his people. I know many people who wrestle with whether or not to stay in their marriage based on how they feel on any particular day. But real love is impossible without commitment. That is why a public service of commitment in marriage is so important. We are saying to the world that we are committing ourselves to this other person, “For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part.” Commitment is not something that comes after we fall in love with someone, rather it is love that comes from commitment. You cannot have love without it. In other words, we are not committed to someone because we love them, we love them because we are committed to them. Love comes from commitment.
But the second thing that we need to understand about God’s plan for marriage is that: It is a place where we learn about forgiveness and grace. A friend of mine has a difficult marriage. He recently said to me: “I wish preachers would quit talking about their wife being their best friend. I think they do people who are struggling with their marriages a great disservice — as though your wife has to be your best friend in order to have a good relationship.” At first I was taken back by what he said. But he went on to talk about how stormy his own marriage had been, and that many times it would have been easier for him to leave than stay. He said, “I have had to work through a lot of things, and because of that, I think I am a better person and a better husband. My wife and I are not best friends. We are so different. We annoy each other with our faults and quirks. But I decided that God was doing something in me through this marriage. He was using a difficult marriage to help me grow spiritually. I have come to realize the many ways in which my wife has helped me and been a benefit to me. She makes up for so many areas where I fall short. And in those annoying areas of my wife’s personality I have learned how to extend grace to her, instead of reacting to her. I have learned how to love her in spite of those things, sometimes even because of those things. In short, we become Jesus to each other, showing each other forgiveness and extending grace. I have experienced things in this relationship that I would never have known if had been easy.”
That is real love, because it has put commitment before feeling, and as a result, feeling has come. Warm feelings have begun to reenter their relationship. They are becoming friends. The world is in search of the perfect person — and on their quest they go from person to person. It is not about finding the right person, but being the right person. My friend has learned what all of us must learn: No one can completely fulfill all your needs. He has learned to stop looking for a person without faults, and is discovering the grace to love someone in spite of their faults.
I once read about an older woman who was celebrating her golden wedding anniversary. Someone asked what her secret was to a long and happy marriage. She said, “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook.” One of the relatives jokingly asked her what some of the faults she had chosen to overlook were. She replied, “To tell you the truth, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ‘Lucky for him that’s one of the ten!’”
Lucky for you that God has forgiven you. As you think of how many times God has forgiven you, it should make forgiveness in your marriage easier. You may feel that your husband or wife does not deserve to be forgiven — do you deserve to be forgiven by God? You may have been deeply hurt and wounded by your spouse — have you ever wounded the heart of God by what you have done? This is what forgiveness is all about. It is a model to the world of God’s relationship with us. We forgive each other for the injustices and hurts. We extend grace to each other for the petty grievances and annoying mannerisms. We overlook faults. William James wrote: “The essence of genius is to know what to overlook.”
This does not mean that you bury your anger and frustration, and just push it down inside. It doesn’t mean that what the other person has done does not matter. It means that you ask God to replace those feelings of hurt and anger with forgiveness, grace and love. This is not just toughing it out, it means asking God to change your heart. You are still aware of the wrong that was done to you, and you are not minimizing it. You are not saying that what they did was okay. You are saying, “What you did wounded me, but I choose to forgive you. I choose to be like God in granting forgiveness and extending grace. I remember what happened, but I choose to let it go. I will no longer use it as a weapon.” And as we do that, we begin to model the character of God.
How many here today would pray this prayer: “Oh God, show me how to love my husband/wife. Increase my love for him. Help me to see her as you see her. Show me how I can meet his needs, even if my needs are not being entirely met. Help me to love her as you love her. Lord, please love my spouse through me.”
The third thing we need to understand about God’s plan for marriage is that: It is a place where we learn how to give honor. In the wedding ceremony, I turn to the groom and say to him: “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others keep yourself only to her so long as you both shall live?” And then I ask the bride the same question. We have all promised to honor each other. But what does that mean? First of all, it means that we are promising that there will be no abuse — physically or verbally. There will be no neglect. There will be no put-downs. We will honor each other. We will value each other. We will respect each other. We will build up and not tear down. We will see the other person as God sees them. We will treat them as God would treat them.
Some people marry another person like they would take on a project. They are determined to transform them into another person. They want to fix them, so they become busy pointing out faults and failures. They talk to other people about their partner’s imperfections. They criticize them in public or make fun of them in front of others. They complain about their looks. They openly share the most private things in their relationship, and by doing so, they degrade the other person and destroy trust. This is not what Jesus would do. The Bible says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
When you value something, you treat it with special care. You handle it gently. We have a lot of Tupperware we keep on a bottom shelf for our granddaughters to play with when they come. They get it out and throw it on the floor. They bang it and bop it, and leave it laying when they are through with it. But we don’t care, because it is cheap and we don’t even use it much. But the other day one of the girls took a special pitcher from a table in the living room. It is hand blown, colored glass which is valuable. It is a deep maroon color and is shaped beautifully with wonderful lines. When she grabbed it, everyone sort of lunged toward her and the pitcher. Her mom put her hands on both sides of the pitcher and said, “No, no, honey. This is not something to play with. This is very valuable.” We treated it very differently from the pieces of Tupperware that we didn’t care about. When you care about someone, you treat them with the same kind of honor. You see them as valuable. You give them special treatment. You handle them with care — not like Tupperware.
One last point. The fourth thing we need to understand about God’s plan for marriage is that: It is a place where we experience joy and passion. If our marriage relationship is to be a reflection of our relationship with God there must be joy and passion. If God has given us the gift of passion, and we were created in the image of God, it means that he is a God of passion. He is our heavenly lover. He loves us with great passion. His passion is full of joy and laughter. He is fun. He shares his humor with us. You cannot love God insipidly, for God is a ravenous lover. If your relationship with God is dull, you do not have a relationship with the right God. He is exciting and full of life. And as our marriage mirrors this relationship with an exciting and passionate God, we begin to experience the intimacy that God has designed to be a part of the marriage relationship. Without covenant commitment this intimacy does not exist. Without forgiveness and grace this passion does not exist. Without giving honor to the other person, this joy does not exist. But when those things are in place, we are free to be ourselves and everything God created us to be. We experience the wonder of intimate, passionate love that is the gift of God.
You don’t have to be perfect in personality or appearance to experience this kind of love. Our culture makes it seem that only the bold and beautiful are worthy of having this kind of relationship. Moses Mendelssohn was the grandfather of the great German composer Felix Mendelssohn. He was a brilliant man, but he was also a hunchback. When he was a young man, he was visiting a family friend who had a beautiful daughter named Frumtje. Mendelssohn loved her, but Frumtje avoided him and was somewhat frightened by his appearance. Finally, it was to be the last day of his visit. He awkwardly climbed the stairs of her home to tell her goodbye. But as he stood near her, she pretended to be busy with her needlework and never looked up. To Mendelssohn, her face seemed to glow with an almost celestial radiance. His heart ached. He tried to make conversation with her, and eventually began to say what was really on his heart. “Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?” he asked. She answered, “Yes I do. Do you?” Mendelssohn’s reply was, “Yes, of course.” He then went on to say, “You see, in heaven at the birth of each boy, the Lord calls out, ‘This boy should get this girl for a wife, and that boy should marry that girl.’ When I was born, the Lord also said, ‘But alas, his wife will have a terrible hump.’ At that moment I called out and said, ‘Oh Lord, a girl who is humpbacked would be a great tragedy. Please, Lord, give the hump to me and let her be beautiful.’” Frumtje’s heart was deeply moved. She stretched out her hand for Mendelssohn’s and later became his faithful and loving wife.
The Bible says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). If ever we needed to have our minds transformed and renewed it is in the area of our marriage relationships. If in your heart you will renew your commitment to your partner no matter what; if you will practice forgiveness and extend grace; if you will show honor to them, then God will renew your marriage and restore the joy and passion of your relationship.
Rodney J. Buchanan
April 22, 2001
Mulberry Street United Methodist Church
Mt. Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
GOD’S PLAN FOR MARRIAGE
1 Corinthians 7:1-5
“But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2).
To understand God’s plan for marriage we must learn that:
1. It is a place where we learn about __________________________ .
2. It is a place where we learn about ___________________ and ___________________ .
3. It is a place where we learn how to __________________________ .
4. It is a place where we experience __________________ and _____________________ .
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION (Apr 22, 2001)
1. Why is commitment such a problem for many people in our culture?
2. Read Mark 10:2-9. What reason did Jesus give against divorce?
3. How is our emphasis on “feeling” love detrimental to marriage relationships?
4. God has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). How does God’s faithfulness to us affect our marriage relationship?
5. What is the relationship between commitment and love?
6. Why is forgiveness so important in the marriage relationship? What happens when forgiveness is not present?
7. What is the definition of grace? How does it operate in the marriage relationship?
8. How can we give honor to each other in marriage?
9. How do some people fail to show honor?
10. What is the greatest blessing of marriage?
