[The "Rules"]
1. The Female always makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant Misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the Misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm to the Male.
Those "rules" are funny because they contain a grain of truth. Men do sometimes find women to be mysterious creatures, their motivations obscure, their emotions inscrutable, their behavior perplexing.
"The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ’What does a woman want?’" -- Sigmund Freud
Nor is their any greater clarity in the other direction. Men often appear equally alien to women. Their methods of communication (or rather, non-communication) with one another, their obsession with the TV remote control and their infuriating habit of using it to watch fifteen shows simultaneously, their ability to remember the 1993 passing percentage of quarterback Troy Aikman while forgetting your anniversary . . . No wonder author John Gray concluded that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
My goal this morning is not to unravel all the complexities of male-female relationships. But I would like for us to gain insight about how and why we differ. The goal is to give us some tools to understand these differences and deal effectively with them. Not just tolerate one another, but actually to appreciate and celebrate our differences. The result can be relationships in which affection, intimacy, and fulfillment all increase while anger and frustration decrease.
Would you like that? Have you given up on improving your relationship?
Why do this? Why learn to understand, appreciate, and fulfill one another’s needs?
· First, because you have an obligation to do so. Your spouse has made a vow to meet these needs only in the marriage relationship. They have nowhere else to (legitimately) go.
· Second, because if you don’t someone else may. (Not that this excuses adultery or makes the innocent party responsible). Any of us is vulnerable to temptation. If you want to protect your mate from temptation, you should meet their needs.
Transition: Why do husbands and wives often fail to meet their spouse’s deepest needs?
Selfishness and ignorance. Ignorance is the inability to understand and appreciate the other’s needs. Selfishness is an unwillingness to meet those needs. One is a heart problem, and the other is a head problem. One can be solved by information, the other only by repentance. But both must be addressed in order for the relationship to improve.
Men and women are different (surprise!)
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them . . . . God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
-- Genesis 1:27, 31 (NIV)
· First, men and women are different by design. It is no accident that we see and experience the world differently.
· Second, the one who designed us differently is God. Our differences are not merely accidents of evolution, nor are they convenient social constructs invented by man. God had a purpose for our differences.
· Third, the differences between us are "very good." Not inherently negative or destructive, not merely neutral or tolerable, but good. To the extent that they become destructive, it is because they have been twisted by sin.
The greatest needs
· Men and women have similar needs, but they rank them differently. These are broad generalizations:
Men
Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration
Women
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and openness
Financial support
Family commitment
The ranking itself is not Biblically revealed (see Willard Harley, "His Needs, Her Needs"), so not authoritative. But it is a good general description of the differences between men and women.
Men and women do not intuitively understand the other’s needs. In fact, even after they hear them, they can’t understand why those things are so important to the other. Our greatest mistake is assuming our spouse is just like us - or should be.
The woman’s greatest need: Affection
To a woman, affection represents security, protection, comfort, and approval. It is the essential cement of the relationship. [what happens if you build a brick house without mortar?]. It says,
· "I’ll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you."
· "I’m concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you."
· "I think you’ve done a good job, and I’m so proud of you."
How? Show affection with your words. Praise her and tell her what you appreciate about her [Song 4:1-11]. It may be physical appearance, or character, or personality, or what she does.
Most men are complete dolts in this area. Therefore, the man must ask his wife for help in expressing affection, and have her list out some things that communicate it to her. Examples: Hugs, cards or notes, flowers, dinner out, opening the door, holding hands, walks, back rubs, phone calls, etc., etc. Physical contact of a non-sexual nature. But knowledge is not enough. You must do it, and do it often enough that it becomes a habit. Write it down. At first, it will feel forced and unnatural, but eventually it will become spontaneous and natural.
Men: This affection is not foreplay. It has no direct connection with sex. It is affection for its own sake, not as a prelude to something else. However, it creates an environment in which sexual fullfilment can flourish. For husband, it is difficult to feel and show affection without sex, and for women, it is difficult to participate fully in sex without an environment of affection. She needs to feel an emotional oneness with her husband in order to fully enjoy sex with him. You can’t have one without the other. The only way to end the cycle is for one (or both) of the partners to break it.
Men: imagine how much you desire sex. That is how much your wife desires affection. Women: vice versa. Hard to believe, isn’t it? It is difficult for most men to understand their wive’s deep need for affection, just as it is difficult for most wives to understand their husband’s deep need for sex.
The husband’s greatest need: sexual fulfillment
It’s not appropriate to talk explicitly about sex in a sermon. But here are some principles:
It is God’s will that a man be fully satisfied sexually with his own wife.
"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?"
- Proverbs 5:15-20 (NIV)
The wife’s responsibility is not just to make herself available, but to do all she can to participate wholeheartedly in the sexual relationship. In the same way, she does not want her husband "going through the motions" of showing affection, but desires his heartfelt emtion, the husband desires the wife’s heartfelt enjoyment.
The wife needs to treat sex as a basic need (like affection), and not as an optional activity or an imposition. The husband needs to help his wife by giving her what she needs: affection.
The heart issue is this: We must genuinely desire to meet the needs of the other person.
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" -- Philippians 2:4 (NIV)
"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you" --Matthew 7:12 (NIV)
These verses are not specific to the marriage relationship. They apply to all relationships between those who are followers of Christ. But they apply no less to husbands and wives.
This does not mean that you give your spouse what you would like to receive. It means that you give your spouse what they would like to receive. This involves a recognition that our needs differ.
· Tickets to the monster truck rally
· His & hers pedicures
· Show of hands - how many wives have received household appliances on their birthday
We can’t meet our spouses need just to get our needs met. That’s manipulation, "giving in order to get," and it is not love -- just selfishness in disguise. Plus, it doesn’t work.. We must seek to meet our spouses’s needs for their own sake, because we love them, regardless of whether they respond in kind. Think about it. Would you want someone to be nice to you just because they want something from you? Would you want to be treated as the means to an end?
What do you do if you examine your heart and determine that you really don’t care about the needs of your spouse? First, repent of your sin. Second, confess it and ask forgiveness. Third, ask God for a change of heart.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
-- Psalm 51:10 (NIV)
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. " - 1 John 1:19 (NIV)
(For an .rtf file of this and other sermons, see www.journeychurchonline.org/messages.htm)
