Conflict In Your Tribe
It was a dark afternoon and the rain was coming down in big heavy drops...
The kids and I were on our way across the back roads to pickup Donna from her work setting up a new and not yet open Meijer’s store in South Dayton. My oldest daughter was a sullen and rebellious 16 years of age. For the last six weeks or so we barely saw her. She came home from school - hit the refrigerator and then shot down the hall to her bedroom. Other than an enforced presence at suppertime there would be no other evidence of her existence in the the family.
We would hear bits of music coming from the radio in her room. And we would get an occasional glimpse of her in the evening when she surfaced in the kitchen to grab the phone and stretch the cord around the corner and down the steps to the basement where she would talk for hours if we let her. Now she sat in the back of the van, separated and isolated from her sisters and me.
And the rain fell in big heavy drops...
I can’t remember what started it but one minute we driving to get mom and the next minute Shannon and I were in a heated argument. I was yelling at her and she was yelling back. Sandi and Susan were frozen in absolute silence, watching with eyes wide open as I lost it completely...
The conflict was loud and continuing. Salvo after salvo was fired across the seats, like artillery shells each word smashed into the other. Shannon screamed her frustration at me. I answered back loudly, my hand slamming down of the steering wheel for emphasis.
And the rain fell in big heavy drops...
We arrived early at the empty parking lot where Donna was to appear at the end of her shift. I slammed the van into a slot. Crammed the gearshift into park at with only a word to the occupants of the vehicle to "Stay put" I got out and began to walk across, around, and up and down the parking lot.
And all the while the rain fell in big heavy drops...
It took a while for me to calm down. The rain pouring down helped. The pacing across a couple acres of asphalt helped. Praying for God’s guidance helped even more. I was angry with Shannon. I was at a loss as to what to do to tear down this huge wall of discontent and rage in her.
Eventually, my heart stopped thumping, my pace slowed, the pounding rain had an impact and I returned to the van. I summoned Shannon and we stood under the awning of the store and began to communicate. She listened while I shared my hopes for her and the hurts that I felt. I listened while she told me of her frustration and doubts, her fears and her desires.
We agreed together that day that some things needed to change. I don’t remember all of the issues or how we worked to resolve them. I know that we talked about her going on a second missions trip to Venezuela. I know that we both agreed to be honest with each other about our activities and our feelings.
And I know that the rain fell …but the raindrops weren’t quite so heavy now...
Conflict is most devastating when it happens within the family.
We see it weekly now on "Survivor". We watch with curious amazement at how quickly strangers become bonded into a tribe - a family of sorts - and then turn on each other. The pain they feel is all too real and we relate to it - because we have felt it our selves.
The pain and conflict inflicted and felt in our families often creates the deepest wounds in our souls.
Like Hannibal Lecter in some families the conflict is so violent and destructive, the pain and conflict so bitter that it really cannot be described adequately - it can only be understood by those who have felt it.
Some here today can relate to and understand the memories of a man, today a husband and father of two boys, who remembers vividly as a teenager being grabbed by his shirt, lifted off the floor and held against the wall by his alcoholic father berated him. This same man can recall being told by his father only twice in his lifetime that he was loved.
Some here can relate to memories of a woman who recalls the years of sitting at home with toddlers, a sink full of cruddy pots, floors with a thousand toys strewn about. The pressure and monotony of the day relieved only by a husband that comes home to only to criticize and complain, eat supper, read the paper and then fall asleep watching football without a word of encouragement or gentle touch of affection.
The effects of such conflict goes way beyond that moment in time.
Billy Beacham tells the story of a 42 year old workaholic named Tom. Tom spent every dime he earned on expensive luxuries....status symbols designed to impress himself and others with his success in life. He was a volatile human being whose temper exploded at the slightest hint of disagreement or criticism.
And Tom became this way as a direct result of the angry words of his father whom he could never please. His father’s favorite phrase was, "Tom, you are a bum...you will always be a bum. You’re not going to amount to a thing....you’re a bum!"
Every time his father said it, this phrase would burn its way into the boy’s spirit so deeply that, like shrapnel embedded in flesh, the words could never be removed.
Decades later, Tom still suffers from his father’s pain-causing words. He is a man driven day and night to prove that his father’s words were wrong.... Ironically, even though Tom’s father is dead, he still lives his life in such a way as to prove to him that he is not a bum.
You see, angry words have amazing destructive capability....they are like sword thrusts ... and so it is critical that we begin to guard our words carefully.
And the people you are closest to know how to and can hurt you the most
This morning I’d like to teach you from the counsel of God’s word how to stop the conflict and heal the hurt in your family.
If you are in conflict you need to hear this. You may not like it - but you need to hear it.
Colossians 3:
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.
23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,
24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
25 Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.
You must begin with the new beginning.
Now I know what you are thinking!!! You are thinking - oh boy here we go!! The men are leaning back and thinking - Good I hope my wife listens today! The women are leaning forward and thinking if that preacher doesn’t hammer on the loving part I think I’ll kill someone.
The kids are groaning inside - and outside - and thinking "Oh no, he’s gonna tell my parents that I got to OBEY them. Man I don’t need this!
Submit; love; obey; yada yada yada.
Well, you’re wrong!!!! While we tend to want to start with submit, love and obey - that is NOT the beginning.
It is the END of the matter. The results and the consequence of another whole set of attitudes and actions.
This is where we start this morning - with YOU.
YOU are responsible to change the REALITY of YOUR life
YOU are to begin with these five traits and attitudes in your heart toward your family members.
Now that’s not hard when they are nice, pliant, cooperative, and cheerful. It is extremely difficult when they are grouchy, surly, dirty, grousing, and sullen.
It’s easy to put all the blame and all the burden on them
But that’s not the beginning - the beginning is YOU
I can almost hear the words, "But what about them!!!"
If you only knew my wife; my husband; my kids; my parents; my sister; my brother; my dog then you’d understand that IT’S ALL THEIR FAULT.
Well - They aren’t here - YOU are!!!
YOU have to start with YOU to deal with conflict in YOUR family!
The foundation: You are one of God’s chosen people
In our home group last week we had this really great conversation about conflict.
One of the people said that they become most likely to be involved in conflict when they feel insecure and at risk as a person. In other words when their self-esteem is threatened they become defensive and the walls go up.
We are all searching for significance.
Satan wants you to believe three lies
1. He wants you to believe that God, if he exists at all, is not really interested in you.
2. He wants you to believe that God’s love is conditional and based on your performance.
3. He wants you to believe think that the answer to your need for love approval can be found in another person instead of looking to God for it.
We learn to look to another for our significance and live in fear that we will not get it.
Would you like to be famous? Would you like to be rich. Who wants to win a million dollars? Would you like to have degrees after your name? Would you like to be an athlete of great reputation? How about owning factories or being a great musician? These will prove that you are significant and have worth according to the lies!
For those who chose to not compete the lies offers other paths including the use of drugs or alcohol and "dropping out".
Others register their insignificance in one society seeking significance in another - a cults, the occult, witchcraft, mystic societies, gangs triads, causes, or political movements.
Some focus running, jogging, and doing crunches. Their closets are filled with brand name clothes and their schedule has plenty of time set aside for the gym.
And the lies live on in person after person.
When you accept that your significance comes from God - YOU become whole and YOU begin to change and that changes your family
Your significance is not based on performance.
It has nothing to do with your skills; with your body; or with your relationships. Your significance is not based on whom you know; rich or famous; influential or powerful; artistic or intelligent.
Your significance is WHO YOU ARE.
That comes from your knowledge that you are a child of the king of the ages! Your worth is innate. Just as you are!!!!!
God is your father. A friend of mine wrote this. He gave it to me this week after he sat down and wrote out 30 important facts about his heavenly father.
"1. My Father loves me.
2. My Father is always with me.
3. My Father enjoys being with me when I want to walk with Him.
4. My Father sees me as a man with great potential.
5. My Father will not let me be destroyed.
6. My Father is the all-powerful Creator and Sustainer of the universe.
7. My Father has put all of His enemies under my feet.
8. My Father has given me great things.
9. My Father will continue to offer great things to me.
10. My Father wants me to be like Him.
11. My Father helps me to be like Him.
12. My Father wants me to talk to Him.
13. My Father always has time for me.
14. My Father is very patient with me.
15. My Father wants me peaceful.
16. My Father is gentle with me.
17. My Father disciplines me so that I can be more like Him.
18. I expect only good things from my Father.
19. My Father is fully gracious.
20. My Father speaks only truth.
21. My Father is fully holy.
22. My Father is perfectly just and judges with perfect timing.
23. My Father encourages me.
24. My Father lets me make mistakes.
25. My Father is immediate to forgive when I confess my sins to Him.
26. My Father has put all my sins behind His back.
27. My Father cares about my concerns.
28. My Father always says He loves me.
29. My Father gave me a Savior because, no matter how hard I try, I can
never be perfect on my own.
30. I trust my Father, and, in love, I choose to obey Him."
by Kim Hiltunen
That knowledge changes everything for everyone .
God’s chosen people.
Col 3:
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
The Changes?!?! First there are "New Clothes!"
Garments made with the finest compassion, the most exquisite of kindness’, adorned with humility, accented with quiet gentleness, and a rich patience
Second we get "New Strength!"
The ability to lift up others and let go of great piles of rubbish.
Finally we realize a "New Significance"
The understanding that your value and the value of the others in your family is innate. That their worth and yours is based on who they and you are and not on anyone’s performance.
How do you build this foundation?
Paul speaks of three distinct actions you must take.
You must "Let the Peace of Christ rule in your heart"
Reading all the self-help books in the world will not change the dynamics of conflict in your life and family. Meditation, incense, yoga, the study of eastern or western philosophy won’t make a difference.
Accepting Jesus as your savior and following him as your Lord will.
You must "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly"
It is the word of God that changes you.
Psalms 119:7-9 says, "I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me. How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.
The word of God admonishes. It gently corrects the path that is wrong. It makes the way clear. And it is the praise of God that makes the soul sing.
You must do your best. "What ever you do …Do All in the name of the Lord Jesus."
Glorify God in everything you do - in your work; in your family.
When YOU do these things then you will see the results the apostle Paul speaks of in Colossians.
Wives will submit to (that is support) their husbands and seek the best for them as a man of God.
Husbands will love wives (rather than indulging themselves as selfish boys purchasing expensive toys) and seek the best for them as women of God.
Children will obey their parents without sullen seething anger at the edge of rebellion but with the understanding that by this obedience they honor their parents and assure their own richness of life.
Fathers will love their children, training them in the way of God without ride them and driving them to frustration and exasperation.
The results will even extend to slaves (you can read slave as employee) will do their best at work to glorify God.
Would you like to get rid of the conflict in your family? Would you like to begin to heal the wounds that have produced so much pain? [Background music begins with these questions]
Esther is going to play quietly for a few minutes as you stand this morning. [Motion for congregation to stand] As she leads us musically into the throne room of God I invite you to turn to Jesus as savior and lord.
Right now home group leaders and ministry leaders are coming to the front to pray for you. I’m going to ask them to pray in pairs this morning for the families of those who are here today.
If you have conflict in your family - whether it is with your husband, wife, children, or you parents. Whether it you live at home or live under your own roof I invite you to take a huge step toward healing the wounds in your life and the lives of those in your family.
