Survivor’s Series
How to Survive in the Real World
Sermon # 3
Surviving Marriage
The Ten Commandments for Marriage
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
“Americans have one of the highest marriage rates in the world; we believe in marriage. Although people nowadays wait until they are somewhat older (on the average) to marry than they did twenty years ago, about 96 % of Americans do marry at some point in their lives. If you could ask the average American to list the ingredients of a good life, most would place being happily married near the top. Even 80% of those who divorce marry again. This indicates that they still believe in marriage. .... [Diana R. & David E. Garland. Marriage for Better or For Worse. (Nashville: Broadman Press, 1989.) pp. 7, 25]
“Though marriages are meant to last a lifetime, they can deteriorate rather quickly. I like what someone calls the seven stages of a cold for a married couple. The first year of marriage, the husband says, ‘Honey, I’m worried about my little girl. You have a bad sniffle. I want to put you in the hospital for a complete checkup. I know the food is terrible there, but I have arranged for meals for you to be sent in from Vanentini’s’ The second year: ‘Listen, sweetheart, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called the doctor and he said I can bring you in this afternoon. Just rest in bed until it’s time go.’ The third year: ‘Maybe you should lie down, dear. I’ll make supper tonight. Do we have any cans of soup in the house?’ The Fourth year: ‘Look, dear be sensible. After you have fed the kids and washed the dishes, you should go to bed.’ The Fifth year: ‘Why don’t you take a couple of aspirin. The Sixth year: “Please gargle, or something, instead of sitting there barking like a seal. I think I’ll sleep on the couch tonight. The Seventh year: ‘Would you stop sneezing. What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia? You better sleep on the couch tonight.’” Dan Erickson
Every marriage has problems. From the beginning of the honeymoon, all along the way, partners struggle with their weaknesses, their differences and with the crises that life brings their way. Every marriage sees conflict. Every marriage has shared more pain than anyone outside knows. Every marriage is a journey of hills and valleys, highs and lows. Although all marriages have troubles, not all marriages are in trouble….. There are times when we argue over trivial issues or when we think our partner acts like a boob, or when we cannot agree about something that is important to each of us. Maybe yours is a good marriage but you know its not as good as it could be, this message is for you.
For the last two weeks we have been involved in a series entitled, “How to Survive in the Real World.” Today we move on to the subject of “How to Survive Marriage.” I want you to understand that I do not speak from a position of superiority. The only thing I have to commend me is being married for twenty-six years, and that has more to do with my wife’s sweet and forgiving nature than it does to me. I can speak from authority because I have made most of the mistakes that we are going to talk about.
When the Christian comes to marriage, we dare not allow the world (our culture) to shape our thinking, our attitudes or our actions. A Christian marriage is guided by a different set of expectations and principles than that of the world. In fact a marriage in which the husband and wife play out their respective roles obediently are to be a picture of the relationship that is to exist between Christ and his bride, the church.
The very first institution God founded upon the earth was the home (Gen 2:18-25). As the home goes, so goes the society and the nation. At least part of the problem in our society is a false definition of love. Love is not just a sentimental feeling, nor is it a simply affection. It is also an act of the will – a determination to give love in a form that others can accept.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. (10) For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. (11) Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? (12) Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
.(NKJV)
I would like to share with you, The Ten Commandments of Marriage, five for the ladies and five for the men. We will begin with the ladies of course.
I. Five Commandments For the Wives
(These commands for men and women are drawn primarily from The Art of Understanding Your Mate. Cecil G. Osborne. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1970. pp. 157-184.)
Ladies you may have come with a little bit of dread in you heart today, expecting to be told once more that all that is needed is for you to be submissive. Submission by both partners is important but it is not my emphasis for today.
1. Give up on Your Quest for a Perfect Marriage
Marriage is the most difficult and complex of all human relationships and it requires patience, skill, tact, emotional and spiritual growth. You can “grow a good marriage” if you are willing to work at it.
Maybe we need to adopt the philosophy of the woman who responded when the pastor asked if she too her husband for better or worse. She said, “He can’t get much worse, and there ain’t no hope of him getting any better, so I take him as he is.”
It takes a wise and patience wife to make a good husband. They seldom come ready made.
2. Give up on all Hope of Changing your Husband through Criticism or Attack
The simple truth is “you cannot make your husband more thoughtful by complaining!” Such tactics usually have one of two results with men, they will either retreat or they will become hostile.
We can change no one other than ourselves by direct action. We can only change ourselves and when we change, others tend to change in reaction to us. Give up making demands. Abandon the martyr stance. Be what you want him to be.
3. Give Praise and Affection (Instead of Seeking it)
(Ephesians 4:29) “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” (NKJV)
Be your husband’s biggest fan. Your husband has deep needs to be admired. He wants to know if you value him, if you respect what he does, if you are proud of him.
If your friends only knew your husband by what they heard you say about him, what would they think?
When your around your women friends don’t rag on your husband, brag on your husband. Say good things about him to others. It will pay dividends in your relationship.
4. Do Things Your Husband Likes to Do.
“Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get better return for their labor (10) If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble.” (NLT) (Eccles 4:9, 11)
Guys want their wives to be their best friends. They want to hang out with them. They want their wives to share their interest.
Enjoy time with your husband. Develop the intimacy that comes from having fun together.
5. Provide a Peaceful Place
Proverbs 17:1 (NKJV) “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, Than a house full of feasting with strife.”
Would you say that your home is stress-reducing or stress producing? I know that it is difficult to create a peaceful, loving environment, especially in this society of two career families. In no way am I suggesting that it is the wife’s sole responsibility to turn her house into a home. It is a team effort.
Just remember that the first few minutes inside the door set the tone for the rest of the evening. Meet him at the door and welcome him home.
Don’t meet him at the door with the news that Jimmy has been bad, the sink is backed up and oh, yea the bank called and we are overdrawn.
II. Five Commandments For Husbands
1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV) “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life…”
Men listen carefully this may be the most important message you will hear all year. If you want bonus points with your wife today at least pretend to be listening. Extra points go to any man actually writing something down.
1. Assign Top Priority to your Marriage Relationship
Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV) “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,”
Don’t take your marriage or your mate for granted. You may even need to help around the house. Some men actually seem to believe that God created Adam and noticed all the clothes lying around all over the garden and created a woman to pick them up. One woman said that her husband’s idea of helping out was to lift his feet when she is vacuuming.
Guys we need to put our relationship with our spouse back at the top of the list. Guys where do you think that your wife would say that she is on your priority list? Does she have to compete with you work? With your hobbies?
2. Dare to Talk (Give Praise) and Reassurance
In the book of Proverbs (16:24) we find this wise words of advice, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones. (NKJV)
Have you ever witnessed two guys trying to express affection for one another. “Hey ugly how’s it going.” “Good, easy money. How about yourself.” Don’t even think about trying that on a woman.
Guys you need to work at verbalizing your feelings for your wife, (i.e. tell her how you feel).
“There is a story told about a businessman whose wife was experiencing depression. She began to mope around and be sad, lifeless, no light in her eyes, no spring in her step, joyless. It became so bad that this “man of the world” did what any sophistic-ated person would do. He made an appointment with a psychiatrist. On the appointed day, they went to the psychiatrist’s office, sat down with him and began to talk. It wasn’t long before the wise doctor realized what the problem was. So without saying a word, he simply stood, walked over in front of the woman’s chair, signaled her to stand, he took her by the hands, looked at her in the eyes for a long time, and then gave her a big warm hug. You could immediately see the change come over the woman. Her face softened, and her eyes lit up. She immediately relaxed. Her whole face glowed. Stepping back, the doctor said to the husband, ‘See, that’s she needs. With that the husband said, ‘ Okay, I’ll bring her in Tuesday and Thursday each week, but I have to play golf on the other afternoons.” (# 263)
Somme couples are literally “out of touch” with each other!
3. Listen without feeling the need to solve the Problem.
James 1:9 “…..take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak….”
A common compliant from women is that their husbands don’t listen to them and understand them. The men, on the other hand, are bewildered and say, “I do listen to her!” What is happening typically is that the woman wants to talk about a problem and share how she is feeling about it, the man wants to get out the problem and solve it.
The conversation may go like this.
The woman says, “I had a terrible day a work
today.”
The man says, “Well, why don’t you quit.
She says, “I didn’t say I wanted to quit. I
was just trying to tell you I had a hard day.”
He says, “If you didn’t want my opinion
why did you ask for it.”
She says, “Just forget I said anything.”
He says, “I will.”
For the next week try to listen to your wife, let her know you understand how she feels and don’t try to fix situation unless she asks you to.
4. Avoid Criticism
Proverbs 13:3 “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” (NKJV)
A man who constantly criticizes and put down his wife can produce numerous results in his wife almost all of them negative. A regular barrage of criticism, even when warranted, is always destructive.
Criticism in any area is inevitable in almost any human relationship, but the less there is, the more satisfactory the marriage.
5. Remember the Importance of Little Things
Men are usually less sentimental than women and attach less significance to such things as birthdays, anniversaries and “special days,” and are apt to over look the little gestures that mean so much to women. Love is not just a feeling; it involves positive actions which can mean a lot to a woman.
A husband that forgets his wedding anniversary or his wife’s birthday has committed all most unforgivable sin. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and Christmas all call for special recognition.
For some you to begin to do this will be a shock to your wife. It may be like the story I heard, “A husband was told by the marriage counselor to try and be nice to his wife. One day he comes home from work. He’s dressed up in a suit, he has cologne on, he has a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy in his hands. He’s trying to make a good impression. The wife says, ‘Oh I can’t believe it! Little Johnny has been throwing up; the dishwasher just broke; your parents are coming to visit for the weekend and to top it all off, you come home drunk.”
Conclusion
It has been said, “Marriage is never finished, the lesson is never learned, the effort is never at an end. Marriage like life is a matter of solving the little things, the big things generally take care of themselves.”
Success in Marriage does not depend on finding the right person so much as it does on being the right person. Focus on the person you can change, and that is yourself. It is not marriages that fail, it is people that fail, all that marriage does is reveal that failure.
If the church is to have the impact on the world and our society that God intends for us to have there must be a re-commitment of Christian homes and marriages to be what God want them to be. Perhaps you need to begin by making or renewing your commitment to Christ as the Lord of your life.
In the final analysis the only person who can meet your deepest needs is Jesus. If you are looking for a man or woman to do that you are looking in the wrong place. God is the only one who can do that, why not turn to Him today?
