HOW TO GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR ANGER
I CORINTHIANS 13:5
JOKE: There was an elderly woman preparing to park her expensive Cadillac when a young high school student cut her off and stole her parking place. The young man jumped out of his car and shouted " OH, TO BE YOUNG AND FAST ". The older lady backed her car up, then floored it and started using it for a battering ram to demolish the young man’s car. She then rolled down her window and shouted, " OH, TO BE OLD AND RICH."
Fact is young or old, rich or poor, we all struggle to some degree or the other with anger.
Anger is a legimate emotion until we loose control and go crazy. I want you to notice that the bible did not say, " LOVE IS NEVER PROVOKED OR ANGERED." But " LOVE IS NOT EASILY PROVOKED OR ANGERED. " Anger in itself is not a sin. It’s how we respond to anger that determines if it is sinful or not.
Apparently America has a problem handling its anger. This past year, over half of the murders in America were committed by people who knew the victim. Six million wives were beaten by their husbands. Ten million children were beaten by their parents to the point of abuse. These people are not monsters. They just do not know how to control their anger. It has reached crisis proportions. That is why tonight, as we continue in our series on Chapter 13 of I Corinthians, I want us to look at what the Bible says about anger and how to handle it.
The word anger is used two-hundred and sixty-two times in over two-hundred and fifty-six verses in the Bible. Anger is an issue that we need to learn how to properly deal with. People are not crazy but many of them just don’t know how to control their temper, their anger.
We need to realize that there is a time and there is a proper way to be angry. Even God Himself was angry, Jesus was angry. Jesus revealed His anger. But there is a way to deal positively with that emotion and in the right environment and in the right way. The problem is that often as we allow our tempers to flare, that we fall into a pattern of sin.
The Bible says, "Love is not easily angered," Or as the KJV say’s not easily provoked. It does not say that love is never angered because love sometimes does get angry. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to get angry. But love is not easily angered. I am not telling you anything new when I tell you that the people whom you get angry at the most are those you love the most. Why? You get angry because you perceive that they are in the best situation to meet your needs and when they do not, you get angry.
Tonight, I want us to look at the six keys to managing your anger. God gave you the capacity to get angry. So therefore, anger is not necessarily sin. God gets angry. It’s how you manage anger that makes the difference. Anger managed correctly becomes an asset rather than a liability. You cannot always avoid anger; but, you can and must learn how to control it.
How?
I. I COMMIT TO CONTROLLING IT
Proverbs 29:22 in The Living Bible says: "A hot-tempered man starts fights and gets into all kinds of trouble."
Let me ask you something, do you have an anger problem? Is your temper taking you down? Is the expression of your emotions short-circuiting your relationships? We can control our anger.
Let me just tell you this, the way you act is determined by the way you feel.
You quit saying you cannot control it and you start saying you can. You quit making excuses and resolve to deal with it. You can say all day long, "I cannot control it." And I will say, "I don’t believe that." Let me give you an example. Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse and the telephone rings? "Hello!" When that happens, notice how quickly you manage to control your anger. You have more control over your anger than you think. You begin by resolving to manage it.
II. I COUNT THE COST
This is what motivates us to change. The Bible says there is always a price tag. Proverbs 29:22 says, "a hot-tempered man commits many sins." How many of you would agree with that? How many of you would agree with these verses?
Proverbs 15:18, "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension."
There are two things that that scripture tells us. If we allow anger or our temper to continue to flare,
first of all, we will personally be responsible for creating havoc in the relationships that we have.
Number 2, we ourselves will be guilty of not only anger but many of the sins that anger leads us into.
Proverbs 14:29, "A quick-tempered man displays folly."
Proverbs 14:17, "A quick-tempered man does foolish things."
Proverbs 11:29, "He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind."
Here is the point. Whenever I lose my temper, I lose. You don’t make it to the top, if you are continually blowing your top. I don’t know if you have realized it or not but the word "danger" is "anger" with a "d" in front. Anger is dangerous. You could lose your family, your job, and your health by losing your temper. Anger always alienates.
III. I NEED TO THINK RATHER THAN THROW MY TANTRUM
In other words, don’t respond impulsively. Read with me Proverbs 29:11, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." That is very clear, isn’t it? Circle the words "under control."
Proverbs 29:11 (The Living Bible):"A rebel shouts in anger; but a wise man holds his temper in and cools it."
You could say that a wise man knows how to chill out. How do you keep your self "under control?" By delaying. I am not talking about months. I am talking about minutes. When you begin to feel the pressure build, take time out. What is the best method of correcting a child? Give him a time out session. We could all follow that advice at times. When you don’t stop and think, you will almost always do the wrong thing.
It was President Thomas Jefferson who said, "When you get angry, count to ten. When you are really angry, count to a hundred." That is good advice.
Notice Proverbs 19:11, "A man’s wisdom gives him patience." He is telling us to try to understand our anger.
We need to ask ourselves when anger comes in our life,
(1) why am I angry? And if I express that anger, number two,
(2) what will happen?
(3) will the expression of my anger really resolve the issue?
Why am I angry? Anger is never the root problem. It is a symptom or a warning light. There is obviously something wrong. Anger is a symptom telling you that one of three things is happening in your life. The three causes of anger are hurt, fear and frustration. When I am angry, I need to ask myself which of these three things is causing me to be angry.
IV. I NEED TO COMMUNICATE MY ANGER CORRECTLY
Read with me Ephesians 4:26, "In your anger do not sin." Now this verse implies that there is a way to become angry and not sin. Is all anger sin?
No! God gets angry. He is the One who gave you the capacity to get angry. He is saying that there are right ways to get angry and there are wrong ways. There are appropriate ways to get angry and there are inappropriate ways. Obviously, you need to learn to express your anger in appropriate ways because nothing ruins a relationship quicker than fits of anger. I am convinced that most of you can get from a relationship what you need if you learn to express your anger in appropriate ways.
There are a couple of books which can help you with anger in your relationships that I would like to recommend. One, The Language of Love, by Gary Smalley. Next, Make Anger Your Ally, by Neil Warren. Both of those books will help you learn how to express your anger in positive ways. Look again at Proverbs 29:11, I like how it is translated in the Living Bible, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Circle the words "full vent." You need to understand that there is a myth in the world about anger. Psychologists teach that everyone has a certain amount of anger. They teach that when your anger bucket gets full, if you will release it, then you will be empty and you will feel better.
So, you go to a lot of psychologists and they will say, "You need to get it off your chest. Tell them what you think. It does not matter what it does to them." There is only one problem with this. It does not work. The truth is you do not have a set amount of anger in your life. You have a factory. It will continue to produce anger until you deal with it in an appropriate way. How?
I want to give you three things not to do and then one thing to do.
1. Don’t repress it. You stuff it down.
2. Don’t suppress it. Pretend it does not happen.
3. Don’t express it in the wrong way. There are a lot of ways to express anger.
4. The Bible tells us to confess it. That means to admit it.
V. RETRAIN MY MIND
In Romans 12:2 it says, ". . . be transformed by the renewing of your mind." You can promise that you will not lose your temper again until you are blue in the face and it will make no difference in the world. You can make New Year’s resolutions for years and you will not change. You have heard me say many times before that the way you act is determined by the way you feel. The way you feel is determined by the way you think. If you want to change the way you act, then you must change the way you feel. If you want to change the way, you feel, then you must change the way you think. If you want to change the way you act then you must change the way you think. I am acting angry because I feel angry. And I am feeling these angry emotions because I am choosing these angry thoughts. If I want to change habitual patterns of being angry, then I need some mental reconditioning. "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Neil Warren in his book, "Make Anger Your Ally," encourages people to sit down and write a letter to themselves. In that letter they should write down a word picture that is an ideal response to anger. He says, "Think of the thing or things that make you angry. And then write out how you would really like to respond." You may want to do this as your homework. He then asks you to ask yourself, "Do I enjoy getting angry?" "Does it produce the intended results when I get angry?" "Could I get the intended results in a more effective way?" "What could I do differently?" Ask yourself these questions. What would I like to do as an ideal response to that situation?
He then suggests that you read it aloud to yourself once a week for six months. You may be thinking, "That is a lot of work." How serious are you about overcoming your anger? If you will do that, you may want to use some of these Bible verses for today, and insert them in the letter. Let them change your mind. Let God’s Word transform your mind. I guarantee that it will change you.
You see, angry people are insecure people. And the more insecure I am, the more things tick me off. The more insecure I am, the more upset I get. If you pick up a little baby who is crying and is irritable and give that baby love, warmth and security, it will stop crying. Of course it will quit crying unless something major is wrong. Listen. God can help you overcome that insecurity. When you understand how much God loves you and you are secure in Christ, your irritability will take a nose dive. It has to do with your image of yourself. This is your homework. I want you to go home and read Ephesians 1 and Romans 8. These are two classic chapters on our security in Christ. Read them over and over. They are anti-anger chapters because the better you feel about yourself, the less you feel bad about other people. You are to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
VI. I NEED TO ASSOCIATE WITH PEOPLE WHO MANAGE THEIR ANGER WELL
Proverbs 22:24, ". . . Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared." Question: Is anger contagious? Of course it is contagious. Can you become infected by someone else’s anger? Absolutely! Have you ever noticed that when someone gets angry and loud that you do too? The writer of Proverbs is telling you to choose your friends wisely.
If you are serious about changing a habitual lifestyle of inappropriate anger, then you need to start "fellowshipping" with friends who know how to manage their anger. That is one of the benefits of a church. This is one of the advantages of joining a small group within the fellowship of the church. Why? The world is teaching you all of the inappropriate ways to express your anger. When you are in a church or a small group in the church, you learn positive values and ways to act appropriately.
Now, I have no idea what is on TV tonight. But I guarantee that when you go home tonight, all the stations will have at least half of their programs teaching you inappropriate ways to express your anger. They either teach you to slug somebody, shoot somebody, or chew somebody out. All of that is inappropriate. We haven’t taught that kind of stuff in years. You need a balance of those inappropriate models. The church can be that balance in your life.
You see, all anger is learned. The good thing is that since it is all learned, it can be unlearned. Parents, every time you blow up, you are modeling inappropriate behavior to your kids. And they are learning it.
Whatever you are doing, you are teaching it to your children. James Dobson says this, "Successful marriages are not those marriages where anger and conflict do not exist, but rather successful marriages are those who have learned to manage their anger. When anger is managed, it produces great marriages." I would like to add something. When anger is managed, it produces great friendships. And it produces great churches. And it produces great church staffs. When anger is managed, it produces great people. How?
That emotional energy focused on the right things has tremendous potential.
Now in closing I want us to look at how Jesus Christ helps us to overcome our anger. He does it by attacking the root problem. Jesus talks about your hurt, frustrations and fears. And He wants to replace that hurt in your life with His healing love. You may have been hurt in the past. You may have been abused. You may have been abandoned. You may have been rejected. You may not have ever been able to get the approval of someone you loved. Jesus helps you to understand that your pain matters to God; and, He wants to replace that hurt with His love in a way that nothing else can do.
Jesus wants to replace your frustration with a new level of peace. He said,
"My peace I give unto you. I do not give as the world gives." (John 14:27).
Jesus wants to replace your fears, your insecurities, the things that threaten you, with His power because God has not given you a spirit of fear but one of power and love.
I am sure that God has been talking with some of you about your need to deal with the anger in your life. And I hope you will take the steps to do so right now.
