Survivor Series
“How to Be a Real Life Survivor”
Sermon # 2
“HOW TO SURVIVE CONFLICT”
Ephesians 4:25-32
Last week we introduced our new Survivors series, “How to Be A Real Life Survivor.” We began by looking at “What does it mean to be a Survivor?” We noted that in our world today we talk about all kinds of survivors: cancer survivors, abuse survivors, tornado survivors, earthquake survivors and the list goes on and on! We concluded that it is great to be a survivor, but that we wanted to do more than just survive. We also observed that the Bible does not use the word “survivor” but it does use the word “Overcomer,” which means to prevail, to pass over, to gain the victory.
Our first study determined that far more important than the ability to survive on a desert island or in the Australian outback or even to win a million dollars, is the ability to be a spiritual survivor in this world. Having settled the issue of whether or not you are a spiritual survivor we want to go on to examine “How to Survive Conflict.”
I wish I could tell you this morning that there is someway to avoid conflict in your life. It sure would make life easier, but the truth is that all conflict cannot be avoided so we need some tools for conflict management.
In the 1950’s there was a television series entitled “Father Knows Best.” In this series the actor Robert Young played the character of Robert Anderson, the wonderful father who had endless patience and wisdom, who was married to an attractive and submissive 1950’s kind of wife and was the father of three delightful ideal children. Problems would arise of course, but nothing that would offend the sponsor and nothing that could not be resolved in the space of a half hour show. But that was television! In real life Robert Young was leading a troubled life. He was an alcoholic prone to violence and depression. For decades he struggled with the thoughts of suicide. There is in his story a spiritual truth, that in many families, the smiling faces are only a façade. Beneath the smiling surface there are often lives deeply troubled by more conflict than they feel they can manage.
Since conflict cannot be avoided we need to understand the source of the conflict in our lives and some techniques for managing conflict. James, early leader of the church at Jerusalem and our Lord’s step brother, defines the basic cause of conflict (4:1) when he says, “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (NKJV). James doesn’t beat around the bush, he comes right to the point. James says that cause of conflict is the conflicting desires within ourselves. When my wants come into conflict with your wants then sparks are going to fly.
In looking for ways to deal with conflict we are going to look at the letter the Ephesians. Ephesians is a book about relationships, it deals with how to function with each other in the face of our conflicting desires. It covers just about every kind of relationship possible and in our text today gives some sound advice regarding conflicts.
“Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. (26) “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, (27) nor give place to the devil. (28) Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. (29) Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. (30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (31) Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. (32) And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (NKJV) Paul in this section of his letter to the Ephesians gives us four steps in Conflict Management.
I. Speak the Truth in Love v 25
“Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.”
To handle conflict, we have to speak the truth. For Christian’s truth is not a choice it is a necessity. Lying is destructive both to the self and to relations with others. Sometimes we seem to think that we can help people by lying to them, such is not the case.
Men, now listen to me on this, every truth does not have to be expressed. Scriptural admonition to speak the truth is not an excuse for unkindness. You do not say to your wife, “Dear your hair looks particularly hideous today.” I promise you that you will regret it, true or not. If your wife ask you, “How does this dress look on me?” If you do not like the dress it would be better to say, “You know I am not into zebra skin,” than to lie and tell her that it is your absolute favorite. What are you going to say in the future when she wears it because she knows how much you like it. Lies will come back to haunt you.
II. Express Anger Appropriately v 26
“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath,”
It is all right for us to acknowledge our anger, however there is danger in anger. It possible to be angry and not sin, but human anger is usually destructive. For that reason three qualifiers are given about anger management. 1). Be angry and don’t sin. Don’t let anger get the upper hand in your life
Anger is largely a self-centered, emotion; it is a reaction to the fact the world is not as we wish. It is self-defensive and self-serving and is resentful of what is done against oneself. This selfish anger has no place even temporarily in the life of a Christian. 2). Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. This means don’t nurse anger. Anger easy leads to resentment and bitterness and these must be carefully guarded against. 3). Don’t give the devil a foothold. The Devil will use anything he can to hinder God’s people. Even righteous anger can easily turn to bitterness and resentment. If given place, it infects and mutates into further resentment and hostility. If given place, it becomes the avenue the devil uses to cause sin. For that reason, it must be shown the door rather quickly.
When angry rears its head we have a choice of doing three things.1). Repress It. Rather than express anger we deny it and kept it inside. 2). Express It. or 3). Process It.
` There are some definite steps if are to process our anger, first, we have to stop and analyze it. That can be pretty confusing and especially if you don’t remember what it was that you got angry about it. In that case it is probably time to give your anger up as not very important. Secondly, when you are angry you need to confess it. Have you ever ask someone if they are angry only to have them shout, “I am not angry.” You can deal with anger as long as you are in denial. Thirdly, to defeat anger you most determine to forgo vengeance. If you are out to get even, then the problem is only going to escalate. Fourth, you need to talk to the one with whom you are angry, this includes appropriate apologies on your part. Finally, ask God to Change your Heart. It may be that only Solomon’s sound counsel concerning anger was, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1).
III. Watch Your Words. v. 29
“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”
We need to be honest. We need to acknowledge our anger. But being honest and being angry does not give us the right to use words that will hurt others, or that will intensify the conflict. The Old Testament teaches us, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18
“Corrupt” is a word which means putrid or rotten. Although such language is not usual among the unbelievers it should never be so with a believer. Jesus taught about the significance of speech. In Mark 7: 21-23 he tells us that our words reveal what is in our heart. And in Matthew 12:33-37 he warns us that we will give an account of every careless word.
Paul tells us to speak in such a way that what we say will build up not tear down people. Our words should minister grace and help to draw others closer to Christ. Satan of course, encourages speech that will tear people down and destroy the work of Christ.
IV. Put Away the Past v. 31-32
Put away past destructive behavior.
“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.”(v. 31)
Here are revealed six unpleasant attitudes.
Bitterness – a resentful spirit that refuses to be reconciled.
Wrath – is the word (thumos) which speaks of heat of passion, thus a passionate outburst. It is an explosion the outside of caused by feelings on the inside.
Anger – settled and sullen hostility
Clamor- getting excited and shouting at each other
Evil speaking – thinking and speaking evil against others
Malice – wishing evil on or plotting evil against people
We must learn to give our frustrations, disappointments and hurt feeling over to the Lord instead of harboring feelings of anger.
Put away past Hurts. v. 32
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
Every conflict needs to come to an conclusion. It needs to end!! It needs to be finished so that those involved can move on. Family members can keep the same disagreements going for years.
The idea here is the abandonment of one attitude completely and replacing it with another. Forgiving people is not always easy but Christians have the greatest of all incentives for doing so, the fact that we have been forgiven by the Lord.
Forgiveness is not a denial of accountability. It is a refusal to allow the past wrong to destroy the present.
Conclusion
We are not called to a life that is free of conflict. We are called to a life that is able to function in the real world. Conflicts happen with friends, at work and even in our families. Beginning with the first step of truth and continuing to the conclusion in which we grant forgiveness, we can learn how to handle conflicts as Christ would have us to.
Each of us should desire to leave a legacy like Abraham, in how our faith helped us to overcome obstacles in our lives in order to accomplish the will of God. (Rom 4:20-21)
