Death - The Hardest Fact of Life
By David Moore
Pastor, Braehill Baptist Church, Belfast, Northern Ireland
“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. And she again bare his brother Abel . . . and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him” (Genesis 4:1-8).
Everyone knows that we live close to death. God has explicitly told us that we are going to die, and experience bears that out. But, when death comes we are still surprised by it. Even when an elderly person dies or someone dies after prolonged illness, though we expect death more imminently, when it happens we are still shocked. Why is that? It is because God created us to live. We speak of a natural death, but in truth, death is unnatural. In us all there is an instinct to live, because God made us to live. Adam was not supposed to die. Death came about as a result of his sin, it is part of the curse, it is our natural enemy, not our friend, and therefore our instincts are to live and not to die. Death then is the ultimate crisis, not only for the deceased, but also for the bereaved, for when a person dies all of their life goals cease, and all of our life goals, as they are affected and influenced by that person, are interrupted.
The first recorded death in the Bible was a sudden death not a natural death. It was the death of a young man, not an old man, the death of a good man at the hands of a bad man, the death of a son, not a father. For Adam & Eve, death was a new experience - no one had ever died before. God had told them death would come - but when it came it was unexpected and shocking. By the time we reach Genesis chapter 5, we find death is in full swing and home after home is bereaved. The recurring phrase of Genesis 5 is “and he died.” Death affects us all, and it is the ultimate crisis of life.
The Stages of Grief
It is rather unfortunate that we refer to bereavement in terms of stages. Grief is a very personal thing, and people are not cloned to respond in exactly the same way. In referring to “stages in grief” we are not trying to place an exact and clinical science upon a very difficult and personal experience, we are simply referring to some feelings or responses which bereavement counsellors and others have observed as common to those who are grieving.
When we are first given the news of a death we immediately experience shock and a feeling of numbness. We are in fact experiencing stress. We respond to stress in three ways - mentally, emotionally and physically.
Mentally we experience denial, it is hard to accept our loved one is gone.
Emotionally we may experience a sense of fear, anxiety or anger. Sometimes we are angry with God. These are natural responses of any us to a perceived threat, and death is certainly threatening when it walks uninvited into our home.
There are also definite physiological changes which are in affect preparing the body to deal with that perceived threat. Our adrenaline increases - the heart rate rises, as does our blood pressure. We find ourselves breathing more freely. The body may experience sweating, and we are more sensitive to noise. When these responses are repressed the result is increasing stress which becomes a powerful stimulus to mobilising us in other ways. This explains why we might find a bereaved person highly active, and busy during the pre funeral period.
In some ways knowing these things is irrelevant to us when we are bereaved, because these responses come naturally, but its good to know these things when we are on the outside of bereavement so that we might understand a little of what’s going on.
Once the stress response dissipates, we enter into the next stage of bereavement, and that is YEARNING.
During the funeral period the events seem surreal - like a bad dream - but gradually the truth of the situation begins to sink in - again we find ourselves periodically subject to stress responses. There is a period of longing and searching for the deceased. We experience moments of overwhelming grief. The psalmist related it this way: “Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.” (Psalms 69:1-3).
We experience tricks of the imagination, hearing, seeing and even smelling the deceased. Perhaps we experience loss of appetite and our enthusiasm for pursuits we once loved wanes. We may be overcome with irrational feelings of regret and even guilt. In time we begin searching for ways forward in our life.
Finally, as we work through our loss we begin to set a new course. Death has a great way of making us re-evaluate life, and teaching what is really important in life. We find new interests, and pursue new goals. Nevertheless, as we embark upon our lives once more there are unexpected attacks of grief - years after the death, and of course constant reminders of
our loss through various anniversaries, such as birthdays, weddings, Christmas and now an anniversary marking the passing of time since our loved one died.
Should Christians Experience Grief?
There’s an idea afoot that somehow because I am a Christian and the person who died was a Christian I should somehow be happy they’re dead - happy they’re in heaven - happy they’re with the Lord and therefore sorrow is precluded. You’ll not find that teaching in the Bible.
Indeed the Bible explicitly details great men of God, men full of faith mourning the loss of their loved ones. In Genesis 23:2 we read that “Sarah died in Kirjatharba . . . and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah, and to weep for her.” Abraham was the friend of God, yet the death of his wife pained him greatly. In Genesis 24:67 we read that “Isaac brought her (Rebekah) into his mother Sarah’s tent, . . . and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” This was three years after his mother’s death. There is no suggestion that Isaac should have “gotten over it” immediately after the funeral. Believing he had lost one son already, Jacob was loathe to let Benjamin accompany his brothers into Egypt saying “My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.” (Gen 42:38). There are many other examples of Old Testament saints grieving.
But perhaps some who are familiar with Scripture might ask, doesn’t the Bible teach that the Christian is not to sorrow over death? In fact the Bible says, “That ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.” (1 Thess 4:13) Notice the verse does not say we are not to sorrow, but rather we are not to sorrow as though there is no hope. The Christian sorrows, but his sorrow is to be tempered by hope. Of course we ought to be glad our loved ones are saved, of course we are comforted by their presence with the Lord, but to ask a person not to grieve is to ask the impossible, it is to ask the unnatural, it is to ask them to repress the means which God has given us to cope with death.
What Determines the Intensity of Grief?
The extent to which we mourn is related to the nature of our relationship to the dead person. For example, if we compare king David’s response to the death of his first child by Bathsheba, with his response to the death of Absalom. The first instance is recorded in 2 Samuel 12 “But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead. Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat. Then said his servants unto him, What thing is this that thou hast done? thou didst fast and weep for the child, while it was alive; but when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread. And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:19-23).
Of the second instance we read “And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son! And it was told Joab, Behold, the king weepeth and mourneth for Absalom. And the victory that day was turned into mourning unto all the people: for the people heard say that day how the king was grieved for his son. . . the king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:32-19.4).
David was grieved for both his children, but his grief for the week old baby was not as intense as his grief for his grown up son. This in no way detracts from the loss of a baby, but simply illustrates that grief is experienced at different levels. The death of a great aunt is most likely not as difficult as the loss of a mother, or wife, and it goes without saying the deepest grief comes over the loss of a child. Jacob said “If I be bereaved of my children, I am bereaved.” (Genesis 43:14).
Also the meaning of the relationship has a bearing on the extent of our mourning. Again mourning the death of an aged relative cannot compare with mourning the death of a young wife. In the second instance the young widower had planned a future with his wife, but not necessarily with his aged relative. Therefore the loss of his wife is felt all the deeper. Also the quality of the relationship has a bearing on our feelings. The loss of a loving husband against loss of estranged husband.
Then the type and circumstances of the death also have a bearing. Those who work with the bereaved note a difference between those who are mourning the passing of someone who had a prolonged death compared to those who die suddenly. A violent death is more difficult to cope with than a peaceful death. And a death where the body is not recovered or indeed, as in some cases from our troubles hidden only aggravates grief further.
The Key To Overcoming Grief.
When Jesus first stood up to preach in the synagogue at Nazareth he declared “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, . . . to set at liberty them that are bruised.” (Luke 4:18).
Christ came to bring hope from despair, to offer life instead of death. Though being a Christian does not take away all the pain of death it certainly removes the permanence of death, and offers hope in what would be an otherwise hopeless situation. Remember, the apostle Paul said “But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep (dead), that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.” (1 Thess 4:13).
For the Christian death is not the end - it is simply an interlude, albeit a painful interlude, until eternity. There is going to be a reunion with our loved ones who have gone before, and we shall both meet and know those who died in Christ, in Heaven.
Furthermore, the Scriptures themselves have proven to be an endless source of comfort to those who are bereaved. The Bible says “For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.” (Romans 15:4).
If you are experiencing grief right now, God wants you to know He loves you. That may seem hard to believe, but remember that he too knows grief, for God’s Son was put to death upon Calvary. If you are asking, “Where was your God the day my loved one died?” The answer is that He was and is in exactly the same place He was the day His beloved One died. God cares about your grief. The Bible says “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.” (Isaiah 53:4). If you do not already know Him the Lord wants to have a very real place in your life. His desire is that you know His Son and experience His love care and comfort for yourself. So often in life the truths of the Bible seem distant and irrelevant. But in death those truths are brought forcefully home to us. Death is bad news. Sin is bad news. But the truth that in heaven dwells a Saviour who offers to every one of us eternal life is good news without equal.
Maybe now in your time of affliction you would seek the Lord. The psalmist wrote “Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word.” (Psalms 119:67).
