The Myths Of Dating Marriage & Divorce Part V
7/16/2000 Malachi 2:10-16 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 & 39-40
The next myth is that it is okay for me to date someone who is in the process of getting a divorce. A person is married until they are no longer married. To date this person is in direct violation of a covenant the person has made to someone else and the covenant the person has made before God. It does not matter how long they have been separated from their spouse.
You may want to believe that as soon as the divorce as final, they are going to marry you. I have literally watched people fall into this trap. The woman who is waiting, gets pregnant, the divorce never happens and now a child has a father who can never be the father God intended for the child to have. Yes, Christian women get pregnant by married men, and Christian men getting married women pregnant. There are absolutely no winners in this scenario.
You are too valuable in the eyes of God to be used by someone else who is hiding behind a divorce they might or might not get. Keep in mind that you are only listening to one side of the story. You may be thinking the person is married to the worse person alive, but in reality that other person may be doing all that he or she can to try and save the marriage. Guard your heart and your feelings right from the get go. If a person is married, he or she is not available. Insist on seeing some papers from the court before you start dating. Many a people have married a person who is already married.
Another myth in marriage is that if things do not work out, a divorce will simply put me back where I started and it will be easy to just start again. Some facts about divorce. Divorce is often going to leave women and children much poorer than they were during the marriage. Divorce is not going to terminate the feelings you have for each other. They may intensify, and they may go to the extremes of hatred. The other partner may become consumed with the destruction and death of the other person. Bitterness can eat at you for years and years to come.
Divorce is not going to necessarily make the necessary changes within you to be successful in the next relationship. Divorce is a painful process which kills a family, and robs children of relationships God intended for them to have. Divorce leaves some people emotionally scarred for life. Dreams are shattered, commitments are broken, and some people are simply tossed to the side as though they were nothing. God knows all this, and it is in God’s compassion that He cries out, "I hate divorce." God never said he hated divorced people, but He hates a system that shatters the lives of the people He loves.
Divorce has to be understood in the context of marriage. God intended for marriage to be the highest degree of relationship possible between two people. It even is to supercede the relationship between a parent and a child. Two people are to so cleave to each other that nothing is to be allowed to come in between the relationship. A covenant or agreement is made before God and the church to be committed to working out whatever problems come up, and to share the joys and struggles of life together. That was God’s plan.
But then we came along and decided to improve upon God’s plan. We think no-fault divorce is something which came up in the 70’s and 80’s from the Women’s Rights movement. No no-fault divorces were common in Jesus’ time. It was so bad that some religious teachers were teaching that a man could divorce his wife if she burned his meal. The nation was divided over the issue of divorce. The followers of the school of Hillel taught that a man could divorce his wife for almost any reason. The followers of Shammai, believed a man could get a divorce only for sexual offenses. In Matthew 19:1-12 the Pharisees, or religious leaders, tried to force Jesus to take sides on the issue.
Jesus reemphasized that a man and a woman were to be joined in a one flesh relationship that would take precedence over all else. Since God had joined them as such, no one should seek to separate them from each other. The Pharisees knew that Jesus was talking about a permanent relationship between a man and a woman. So they challenged Jesus by saying, "look if what you’re saying is true, why did Moses allow a provision for a divorce?"
Jesus probably was a little upset when he answered, "Moses permitted a divorce because of the hardness of your heart." Jesus was really saying, "some men were so abusing their wives, out of compassion and mercy for the wives, Moses allowed for divorces. The situations were unbearable. But just because Moses allowed it, did not mean it was God’s plan. God’s plan was and is for a husband and wife to honor the commitment they made to each other.
Jesus went on to say, if a man got rid of his wife except for marital unfaithfulness, he would be committing adultery if he got married again. I want us to recognize even Jesus acknowledges the severe emotional pain caused by the introduction of a third party into the marriage bond. We may think, oh my spouse will get over it, or its not that big of a deal. Well we’re wrong. Nothing goes to the heart of cutting out our bonds of commitment to each other than to bring another party into the bedroom of the relationship. Some people are severely scarred by this and are not able to move beyond it. If you’ve fallen in this area, and your spouse has been able to forgive you, recognize that you have a jewel of a spouse.
This area can cause so much damage that I recommend, if you have repented before God and changed your ways, don’t go and confess it to your spouse. The other person may not be able to handle it. It may relieve your conscious, but the other person could be devastated by the news. Now if the person confronts you on it, then confess it, because to lie about it and then have it discovered afterwards will cause far greater pain. But do so in humility and confession.
Now the Greek word Jesus uses here that’s translated marital unfaithfulness is the word porneia and not the Greek word for adultery. Porneia covers a variety of sexual offenses which leads open four possibilities for what Jesus constituted as grounds for divorce. The first is that porneia is used as a synonym for adultery (moichea) and therefore adultery by either partner is ground for divorce. The second is that porneia means a sexual offense with someone else that occurred during the betrothal or engagement period before the marriage was consummated with sexual intercourse. Remember what we said about Mary and Joseph and Joseph having to go through a process of a divorce even though the marriage was not complete.
The third definition of porneia refers to illegitimate marriages because of a degree of kinship. Two people having gotten married not realizing they were close relatives to each other so that they were actually involved in an incestuous relationship. The fourth definition of porneia refers to a relentless, persistent, unrepentant lifestyle of sexual unfaithfulness as a oppose to a one time failure on another person’s part.
Whichever of the definitions you think is best, still leads to Jesus’ goal of the permanency of the marriage relationship. Recognize that although Jesus said one may get a divorce for these reasons, Jesus does not require one to get a divorce. The other option is forgiveness and reconciliation for the people involved. But the right belongs to the offended person to grant it, not to the one who has done the wrong to tries and to demand it.
Jesus did not have much more to say about divorce, so we have to look at what the rest of the Bible has to say, because the Bible has to interpret itself. Jesus’ words were spoken for the most part to people who grew up as Jews and always had the law. They were pretty much always in the influence of the word of God. When we move out of the gospels, we begin to encounter people who had never heard about what the God of the Old Testament required. When people came to know Jesus, they literally became new creations in Christ. They wanted to know, well how much of my past life should I let influence me now, and how do I start over?
When it comes to knowing Christ, what you did before you knew the law is not counted against you. If you were divorced before you came to the Lord, you do not try to go back and marry that person again, unless you want to do it. God does not require it. You’re simply considered a single person free to date whom you choose. If you are married when you come to Christ, you’re still married after Christ whether the person is saved or not.
If you are separated when you come to Christ, you still are separated. Coming to Christ does not make you free and eligible to date. You must first deal with that separation. If you were not making child support payments before Christ, after Christ you are to take the initiative in seeing that your child support payments get started because that’s a part of your Christian witness and parental obligation.
We find in 1 Corinthians 7, an expansion of God’s teaching on marriage and divorce. The first group Paul deals with is two believers who claim to love the Lord who are having problems getting along with each other. The main reason two believers have problems can always be traced to a selfishness or immaturity on the part of one or both individuals to some degree or another. One or both of the partners are refusing to submit the matter to Christ.
One of the errors we make in marriage is that we respond out of hurt and pain, to look for ways to get out of marriage. For instance we find out that our partner is involved with someone else, or they have done something to violate our trust, or they have caused us a great embarrassment and we immediately think, I have got to get a divorce. People encourage us to do it, we’ve get a lawyer, papers are filed, tempers grow and it seem almost impossible to stop the process.
What would happen if both people who are Christians remembered they made vows before the church to submit themselves to each other and to God? What if before they could file any papers, they came before the church and explained how they loved God but couldn’t get along with each other, and asked for help. There are people everyday who get divorced but later regret it. Some people will not admit how they contributed to the problem until its too late. If we as Christians would humble ourselves before each other and the church, we could put an end to believers getting a divorce from each other. When a major problem comes in your marriage, even if you separate, give yourself a year before filing anything. It will at least give you a better perspective on the situation.
The word of God says look if both of you are Christians, and you separate from each other, you are to remain unmarried. If you decide you want somebody in your life, then you are to reconcile with each other. You are not to look for this new person God has for you, because God has already told you his plan is for your reconciliation. If we’re honest we will admit the only reason two Christians cannot get along is that one or both of them is putting something else ahead of the welfare of the other person. If you’re not willing to make the changes necessary in you after promised the other person, the church, and God that you would do so, then why think you will not have the same problem in the next marriage.
As Christians, we need to think about the influence divorce is going to have on our children and on our Christian witness. Kids deserve to have their Christian parents struggle to work out the problems which come up. There’s no reason for two people who genuinely love the Lord to declare God can do anything but change us to make our marriage work. When the bible speaks of believers, we are talking about people actively living for Jesus Christ, not simply somebody who says I believe in God or I go to church. A believer is someone whose primary objective in life is to live for Jesus Christ. One of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is that people take problems from one relationship to the next without ever changing themselves to have successful marriages. Now if the other person goes ahead and marry someone else, there’s nothing you can do about it. Your situation becomes like the person who had a non-believer who leaves the marriage. You are free to choose someone else.
The second group is made up of people who were already married and then they got saved, but their spouses were not believers. Some Christians wanted to divorce their unsaved mates so that they could find Christians and make their marriages godly, spiritual relationships. Paul says, "Whoa, hold on for a minute. Listen, he or she may not be a Christian, but he or she is your spouse and you are to treat the person with all the dignity required of a Christian. You are to live your life as much as possible as a Christian spouse with love and respect. Now if this other person decides they want to live with you, you are not to divorce this person. Paul says look, even if the other person says "I’ll never darken a church door, and don’t ask me again to go to church, that’s no reason to leave him or her. Your call is to be this person’s mate, not the person’s evangelist. Live the life and do less talking.
If the person genuinely wants to be with you and is treating you decently, you are to remain married to that person. He or she does not know it, but your spouse is blessed and your children are blessed." We are all called to bear our crosses in different situations. Some of us are going to be married to people for 10, 20, 30 years who never get saved. That does not mean we cannot make the most of the marriage we have. Some of those spouses are going to get saved because of our faithful witness as a Christian husband or a Christian wife.
The word of God then deals with the situation where the other person is not a Christian and the person leaves the relationship. Now a person can leave the relationship in many different ways, not just moving out. For instance the key in understanding this is to recognize when the word of God says, is willing to live with you, it means willing to treat you as God expects a husband to treat a wife or a wife to treat a husband. To say you’re willing to live with me, but you’re beating me upside the head with a frying pan, you’re not willing to live with me. It’s like Jesus saying, it’s not those who say Lord, Lord who get in, but those who do the will of God.
A person who is having an affair has left the relationship. A person who is sexually abusing a child in the home has left the relationship. A person who is verbally and physically abusing you has left the relationship. A person who has decided something else will always be more important to them than you has left the relationship. A person who is intent on destroying you and has you frightened to go anywhere, do anything, or even speak without fear of retaliation has left the relationship. The word of God says you can let that person go and get a divorce and you are free in that circumstance to marry someone else so long as he or she is a believer in the Lord. God does not promise us that if we stay in an abusive relationship that the other person will eventually get saved. If you get killed trying to be a witness for the Lord, that’s your choice and not God’s will for you.
Now things such as we don’t have enough money. I don’t feel like I’m getting all the emotional support I need. He’s not helping with the kids enough. She’s not building me up like I want to be built up. He’s added a hundred pounds. She’s not attractive as she once was. He wants to go to too many games. She spends too much money. I want to move to a bigger house, he doesn’t. I want more kids, she doesn’t. He doesn’t get along well with my side of the family. She spends too much time on the phone. The house is never clean. I don’t love him like I use to or I don’t love her anymore. Marriage is harder than I thought it would be. I want to be free again. I think I might be in love with somebody else. These things do not qualify as reasons for a divorce. These things are called life. These are the very things that Scriptures promised us among the troubles we would have simply if we choose to get married.
Marriage is a choice to accept an unspecified number of troubles in exchange for the opportunity to build a loving and lasting relationship. It does not come with guarantees, but it does come with a number of rules and disciplines for it to be successful. When I go jogging and take along our dog Hope, she gets excited when I pick up the rope I tie her to for the jog. She bends down for me to clip the rope on. Now some people would see that rope as a limitation on her freedom to go where she pleases. Hope sees that rope as an opportunity to experience things in a new way and not get into any trouble. That rope keeps her from going to far and getting into things she should avoid.
God’s word serves the same function in our lives whether we are dating, engaged, married, or contemplating divorce. We can find tremendous freedom and joy by accepting the rules God has given us to experience each of the situations in the way he intended. Jesus can make a difference if we let Him.
b) Help With Kids/ Not Building Me Up
c) Not As Attractive/Gained Too Much Weight
d) Wants Bigger House, Wants To Move To Another City, Doesn’t Get Along With My Family
e) Spends Too Much Time On Phone, House Not Clean, I Don’t Love Him Anymore
f) It’s Not What I Expected
g) Marriage Is Harder Than I Thought
1 Cor. 7:28 b
But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
J. Learning From A Dog Name Hope
a) The Rope Of Freedom
b) Stay Within The Word Of God
c) Plan For Dating, Engagement, Marriage, Divorce
K. There Is Great Freedom In The Rules Of God.
L. Give Jesus A Try
Some Myths Of DMD Part V Pastor Rick
7/16/00 Mal. 2:10-16 1 Corin 7:10-16, 39-40
A. Myth-It’s Okay To Date A Person Getting A Divorce
a. Married Means Married
b. Violation Of Covenant Spouse/God
c. Trap Waiting To Happen
d. Pregnant Christians-Married Spouse
e. One Side Of The Story
f. Show Me Some Papers
g. The Double Marriage
B. Myth-Divorce Will Simply Put Me Back Where I Was
a. 60% Drop For Women & Children
b. Intensification Of Feelings
c. Hatred, Death, Destruction, Bitterness
d. Didn’t Learn Necessary Changes
e. Kills Family Robs Children
f. Scars, Broken Dreams, Tossed About
g. God’s Compassion-I Hate Divorce
h. God-s Love For People
C. Divorce Understood In Context Of Marriage
a. God-Highest Degree of Relationship
b. Cleave Together-Period
c. Covenant Before God, Church
d. Commitment To Work It Out
e. Our Plan-No Fault 70’s 80’s
f. No Fault 2000 years Ago-Burned Meal
g. Hillel-Anything Shammai-Sexual
D. Jesus Put On The Stand For The Issue
a. Matthew 19:1-12
b. Affirmation Of Marriage
c. What About Moses
d. Compassion For The Abused
e. Marital Unfaithfulness
f. The Pain Caused By Adultery
g. To Tell Or Not To Tell
E. Grounds For Divorce From Jesus
a. Pornei vs Moichea
b. Adultery
c. Betrothal Period-Mary & Joseph
d. Incest Relationships
e. Unrepentant Sexual Lifestyle
f. Option Of Forgivness
i. Right Of Offended, Not Offender
F. The Bible Interprets The Bible
a. Jesus Spoke To Those Who Knew OT
b. Coming To Know Christ Then What
c. Divorced-What To Do
d. Married To Unbeliever-What To Do
e. Separated What To Do
f. Child Support What To Do
G. Understanding 1 Corinthians 7
H. Two Believers Having Difficulty
a. Tracing To Selfishness/Immaturity
b. Responding Out Of Pain
c. Involved With Another, Trust Broken, Embarrassment Involved
d. Bad Counsel Overreaction
e. Divorce-Lawyer, Papers, Tempers
f. Can’t Stop The Process
I. Remember The Vows Made Before The Church
a. Come To Church For Help Before Filing Papers
b. Ask For Wisdom & Forgiveness
c. Humbling Ourselves
d. Separate-Remain Unmarried
e. Goal-Plan Reconciliation
f. Make Plans To Change Now
g. Think About Kids, Witness
h. Two People Genuinely Loving The Lord
i. Primary Goal To Life For Christ
J. People Who Were Married To Unbelievers Before Salvation
a. But I Want A Spiritual Marriage
b. Wait A Minute-Says Paul
c. I Want You-But Not Your Religion
d. Wants To Stay & Treats You Decently
e. Quit Talking & Be The Best Spouse For Christ
f. 10, 20, 30, Lifetime To Unbeliever
g. Picking up Our Crosses
H. Unbelievers Do Not Want To Stay In Marriage
a) What Does It Mean To Say I Want To Stay
b) Many Ways To Leave A Relationship
c) Affair, Sexual Abuse, Physical And Emotional Abuse, Living In Total Fear
I What About Some Other Things
a) Not Enough Money, Emotional Support
