Dealing With Conflict
If you watched Survivor this last Sunday night you know that there was some conflict on the team that lost the first contest.
As a result Debb was kicked off the team. In her view she was one of the best prepared people involved. She had prepared extensively and knew (at least she had read about) starting a fire without a match.
But she was voted off the team. Why? Because she couldn’t get along with the others on her team. She was arrogant, cocky, and she connived against Jeff who the other team members liked.
In her "confessional" speech she expressed some bitterness and confusion at her being cast off the team when she was better prepared than so many of the others. She said, "I guess having ability and knowledge doesn’t count for much"
She got it right! It doesn’t count as much as working well with the people in your world.
You have people you work with at the office or in the shop. You have people you work with at school or in the community. You have people you share the roads with when you go the to mall. You even have people you go to church with.
Conflict is inevitable in every one of those areas!
The simple fact is that people don’t see things the same way and conflict is part of life. Jesus came to show us how to live. He is preparing a place for us to live with him in the future. He came for that purpose. He also came to show us how to live an "abundant" life here and now.
There is no better person to go to for guidance in everyday living!!!
You and I would both do well to listen to him explain how to deal with conflict
Matthew 5:21-26
21 "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’
22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca, ‘is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,
24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
25 "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.
26 I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Jesus explains the source of conflict (vs. 22)
Matthew 5:22
But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca, ‘is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
Anger and disrespect is the source of conflict
I.Q.Test = Irritability Quotient Test (Source Blaine Faircloth - SermonCentral.com)
Take out a pencil - we are going to take a modified anger scale. You mark Y or N if this event would make you mad. I want to measure your IQ (Irritability Quotient).
1. You unpack and appliance you just bought, plug it in and discover that it doesn’t work.
2. Being over-charged by a repairman that has you over a barrel.
3. Why you are struggling to carry four cups of coffee to the table at a cafe, someone bumps into you spilling the coffee.
4. You car is stole at a traffic light, and the guy behind you keeps blowing his horn.
5. You accidentally make a wrong turn into a parking lot and somebody yells out at you, where did you learn how to drive?
6. Your in church service - it’s supposed to be over in five minutes - but the preacher is still on his first point - droning on and on as if he could go on for another hour, but he is an extremely attractive man.
Pop Quiz: (Source Blaine Faircloth - SermonCentral.com)
You’re single, and you find out the person you’ve been dating has been secretly dating someone else behind your back, as a Christ follower what is the right thing to do?
a. Since anger is as bad as murder, and you’re already angry go ahead and kill them.
b. Don’t call him fool or Racca, but call him other words like "son of a viper" or "whitewashed schpelcures" since these are biblical expressions.
c. Take him back and keep dating him no matter how often he betrays you since forgiveness should be unlimited, you are a worm with no rights.
d. Seek reconciliation with wisdom and discernment
Anger doesn’t have to lead to conflict - but it often does!
Sometimes anger is appropriate. Anger is not sin. It is an emotion that is God-given to motivate us to action. Hopefully - Right Action!
Ps. 4.4
In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.
The first step to dealing with conflict is to think!
Don’t simply react. Spend time to reflect and ask the Spirit of God for guidance. I have learned over the years that when I’m upset or concerned about something to buy time. I will often say, "I need to think about that. Let me get back to you in a day or so."
If I want to impress them with my spirituality I’ll tell them I need to pray about it. Either way, it’s always good to stop and pray!
Jesus explains the importance of conflict (vs. 23-24)
Matthew 5:23-25
23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,
24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
This is not a new rule about church attendance! How many would be here if that’s what he said? No one but me!!!!
Jesus is describing what it is like to live in the kingdom of God. People care about others so much that they are more concerned for them than their own connivance and comfort! - That alone will deal with a LOT of conflict!
When people live in the kingdom of God - they progressively over time become filled with warmth and tenderness and love for other people, so if there is a relationship that can be reconciled they’ll run out of church to make it right.
Not because their righteous, but to become more like Christ. You see, conflict ruins everything. It destroys friendships, marriages, families, football teams, businesses, and it even destroys churches.
Church growth expert Lyle Schaller says, "…that on any given day ¾ of all churches ministry is significantly reduced because of nonproductive and destructive conflict. The conflict is so severe in ¼ of those churches that it has to be reduced before the church can even accomplish anything."
John Maxwell estimates that, "the average pastor spends 20% of his/her time dealing with conflict."
You cannot simply ignore conflict - it must be dealt with before it eats like a vitriolic acid through the skin into the vital organs
The second step to dealing with conflict is to look at yourself.
Matthew 7:3-5
And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, Let me remove the speck from your eye; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Before you tackle conflict look at your part of the action! "Coping with difficult people is always a problem. Especially if the difficult person happens to be yourself." -John Maxwell
Jesus explains the urgency of conflict (vs. 25-26)
Matthew 5:25-26
25 "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.
26 I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Settle conflict quickly
Is Jesus given shrewd legal advice here?
No, he’s saying you have a limited amount of time so seek reconciliation while you have the chance. Conflict can quickly escalate into all out war! Many times it will grow until others are drawn into it and there is no way to figure it all out - except with outside help.
Be very careful!!! Once it gets out of your hands - you can very quickly become helpless and the judge may not rule the way you want him to! In fact, it is often better to be wronged a little than to demand your rights and to be wronged a lot!
My daughter Shannon was 16 years old and driving. I was in the passenger seat and nervous. She came to a 4-way stop at the same time as another car. Because she was on the right she had the right-of-way. When the other car gunned it and went through the intersection Shannon was incensed. "I had the right-of-way!"
It was the advice of a much more experienced driver and a that of a wise father who said "Sometimes it’s better to give up your rights in order to protect your fenders."
The third step to dealing with conflict is to "Look at the other person" Look at the other person Really listen to them. Let them know you heard them. This is not a matter of simply repeating the words. Reflect back to them the content and the feelings of their concern.
When you listen to others and really hear them they are a lot more likely to listen to you!
Abraham Lincoln said, "When I’m getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I’m going to say and two-thirds thinking about him and what he is going to say."
Once you have listened then you can take the 4th step: "Speak the Truth - in love"
Ephesians 4:15
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
Zechariah 8:16
These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts;
John Maxwell says there are three types of people when it comes to this scripture:
Hiders-they don’t share the truth.
Hurlers-they share the truth, but not in love.
Healers- they share the truth in love.
Having a good outcome to conflict doesn’t have anything to do with winning.
It has everything to do with loving.
I am told that when President Bush was governor of Texas he had to deal with a lot of conflict. According to the sources I heard on the news one night in December (I tried to check this our with different sources and was unable to confirm it.) He came into office with a legislature that was in the opposite party. Early in his term he met with the opposition leader of the legislative branch with the hopes of building a cooperative coalition for the future.
The meeting was a failure. There was no trust and no agreement. There was plenty of conflict.
At the end of the session as Bush got up to leave he suddenly reached over and grabbed the opposition boss with both hands on his neck and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.
The man was completely stunned. He got red faced and stammered "What did you do THAT for!".
Bush said, "If I can’t get your cooperation and help, I’m at least going to get a kiss!"
The opposition leader broke up laughing and that was the beginning of friendship and the end of conflict.
Now I’m not suggesting that you kiss the boss on the cheek tomorrow! I am suggesting that you worry more about your relationships and less about winning!
Life is about good relationships and lots of fun!
It is all about friends and family. Nothing to do with stuff and power.
Listen, Your best friend had better be Jesus. That way you never lose!
And you won’t get voted off the team!
