MELVIN M. NEWLAND, MINISTER
CENTRAL CHRISTIAN, BROWNSVILLE, TX
Ephesians 6:4 is a passage of Scripture that probably ought to be read every Father’s Day. It is a passage addressed directly to fathers. Here is what it says. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training & the instruction of the Lord."
Today is Father’s Day, & on Father’s Day we often look around for a model father, someone who presents the image that we think a father ought to present. But sometimes that is difficult, isn’t it?
ILL. I can remember back in the 60’s when Robert Young played "Father Knows Best" on TV. He portrayed the ideal father. Do you remember? He was always shown wearing a coat & shirt & necktie, even at home. His wife baked cakes & cookies, & kept the house spotlessly clean. Whenever the children had problems, she always told them, "Wait until Dad comes home & he’ll have the solution." And he always did. He always spoke with great wisdom & knew just what to tell his family to do.
ILL. But in recent years, the closest thing to a model father we have had was Dr. Huxtable in the Bill Cosby Show. And in his book about fatherhood, in the chapter titled, "A Baffling Question," Bill Cosby wrote,
"So you have decided to have children. You have decided to give up quiet evenings at home when you listened to good music & read good books. You have decided to give up lazy weekends when you just held each other in your arms & assured each other of your love."
"You have decided to give up candlelight dinners where you could finish complete sentences. You have decided to change all your couches into trampolines. You have decided to give up your pursuit of the reproduction of fine art, & start coping with the pursuit of the reproduction of yourself. Why? That’s the baffling question."
He went on, "Poets tell us that one of the reasons that we want to have children is because we desire immortality. Yes, I must confess that I asked God for a son to carry on my family name. And God did exactly what I asked Him to do. But now there are times when I ask my son not to reveal his identity. I beg him, `Make up a name. Tell them anything, but don’t tell them you belong to me, whatever you do.’"
"Immortality?" he says. "Now that I am the father of five, my only hope is that I will live long enough to see all five of them leave home."
APPL. Maybe you have felt that way, too. Home is sometimes a maze of personalities & confusion & reactions.
ILL. Irma Bombeck tells about a daughter in the family who cries out so that all can hear, "Has anybody seen my new sweater?" Her father answers, "You mean the one that cost $65.00?" Her sister says, "You mean the one you won’t let me wear?" Her brother says, "You mean the stupid one that makes you look fat & ugly?" Her grandmother says, "You mean the one with the low neckline?" Her mother says, "You mean the one that must be washed in cold water by hand?"
They’re talking about the same sweater, but they all said something different, & none of them answered her question. Is your home like that?
ILL. Maybe you’ve heard the old story about fatherhood that says that when a child is 4 years old he says proudly, "My dad knows everything about everything." When he is 7 he says, "Dad knows almost everything about everything."
When he is 12 he says, "Well, it’s only natural that Dad doesn’t know everything." When he is 14 he says, "Dad is old fashioned." When he is 21 he says, "Dad is hopelessly out of step with the times." When he is 25 he says, "Maybe Dad does know something about a few things." When he is 35 he says, "Maybe we ought to call Dad & check this out with him." When he is 50 he says, "I wonder what Dad would have thought of this?" And when he is 65 he says, "I sure wish I could talk to Dad again."
APPL. Today I’m speaking especially to fathers, for I’m convinced that not until fathers get their act in order will we see a real change for good in our homes & in our society. But of course, the rest of you can listen, too.
PROP. So let me make 4 suggestions to you today. I’m speaking as an old man looking back on his fatherhood experiences, & as an expert now that my kids are raised, sharing with you from my vast wealth of knowledge.
I. BE SURE TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN RESPECT FOR PARENTAL AUTHORITY
A. My first suggestion is, "Be sure to teach your children respect for parental authority."
We must teach children to have respect for parental authority, not to soothe our egos, but because if children are not taught to respect authority in the home, they will not respect authority in the rest of the world.
B. But how do you do it? You begin at a tender age to teach your children the guidelines in your home. "You are a member of this family, & this is what we do. Here are the boundaries. Here are the rules & regulations. As long as you live in this home you will live by these rules & regulations."
I think you have to do that very early because as they get older, they become more resistant. There will come a time in almost every child’s life when they will rebel against that authority. There will come a time when you have drawn the line & that little someone will place his or her toe across the line, & there will be a confrontation.
That is a most important moment in their life. The child says, "I am going to see just how much I can get by with." It is a test of authority. It is a critical point in the whole episode of fatherhood, & you must decide how you are going to handle it.
C. First of all, determine whether this is rebellion or not. Sometimes kids make honest mistakes & they are sorry for them later. But it has been my experience that there comes a time in everyone of their little lives when they step across that line. It was a challenge to see if Dad would back up what he has been saying, or not.
And if you don’t, there will be another contest tomorrow. And the next day & the next, until finally they have become the authority & you are the one in submission.
Now it is my personal opinion that is not the time to sit down & have an intelligent conversation about the virtues of obedience. It is my opinion that is the time to apply the teaching of the Scripture about "Sparing the rod & spoiling the child."
I’m not talking about abuse or cruelty. I am talking about a needed element in a child’s life from the hand of one who says, "This is something I am not doing to you, I am doing it for you because I love you so much."
D. I think we have to earn their respect. I don’t think we can expect a child to give in to our system of values & rules & regulations unless we are consistent, unless somehow we model out in our own life that we believe in the things that we have taught.
We are to show them by our example, & gain their respect by obeying the very same rules that we give to them. But when authority is questioned, then we must follow through or it will be questioned again & again.
E. Let me add this, too. The greatest times to love a child are during the times of discipline. After the punishment is over & the tears have been shed, what a tremendous opportunity to reassure a child of your love.
Take them in your arms & assure them that this is not because you hate them. It is because you really love them & want them to be the best kind of person they can possibly be for God. And that leads me to point number 2.
II. LOVE YOUR CHILD UNASHAMEDLY!
Love your child unashamedly! It has been proven over & over again by those who study abnormal childhood that one of the chief contributors to those abnormalities is the absence of love in the home.
ILL. And that begins with husband & wife. A friend of mine says that he & his wife did a lot of things wrong as parents, but the one thing they did supremely right was to love each other. Every once in a while his kids would come around the corner & see them locked in a passionate embrace. And all four of their children would giggle & whisper to one another.
Never once did they question that Mom & Dad loved each other & never once did they question that both parents loved them.
Now the shoe is on the other foot. All his children are married & when they come home he says that they sit on the couch & put their arms around one another & kiss & whisper in each others ears. And he’ll turn to his wife & ask, "Who taught them to behave that way?"
ILL. Recently a survey was conducted in an OK high school. Ten of the most rebellious kids, the ones who failed in the classroom, the ones who would not submit to authority, were asked a series of questions.
One question was, "When was the last time your Mom & Dad said, `I love you?’" All ten said they couldn’t remember, or if they could, it was two or three years ago, but not recently.
Ten top students were also brought in, the ten who made the best grades, who seemed to relate best to their peers & their teachers & people in positions of authority. They were asked the same question, "When was the last time your Mom & Dad told you that they loved you?" And everyone could say without exception, "Today, yesterday, this week at the latest."
SUM. How essential it is that men learn how to love their family & express that love in a way that will be meaningful to all.
III. GIVING THEM MATERIAL THINGS IS NOT AN ADEQUATE EXPRESSION OF LOVE
Thirdly, be sure that you don’t make the mistake of thinking that giving them material things is an adequate expression of love. We have been told a lie that we can buy our kids things & give them presents & gifts, & that this communicates our love for them.
But it doesn’t. In our time of great affluence we have deprived children of one of the basic needs in life - to know what it is to want something & to work for it, & to know the sense of fulfillment that comes when we get it.
ILL. When a lot of old folks my age get together, one of the things we do is talk about the "good old days." We talk about when we worked for 35 cents an hour, & about times when we weren’t sure where our next meal was coming from. Do you know why we do that? Because those were days of want. We wanted lots of things we didn’t have. And we had to wait a long time to get them.
Now we have discovered that the experience of wanting & dreaming & planning & working for & finally having is one of the greatest experiences of life. And most of us are robbing our children of that. We buy them tricycles before they can walk, & bicycles before they can ride. We buy them jewelry & clothing before they realize the value of money, & they never know the experience of wanting & working for something important.
A cup of cold water is not worth very much to someone who is not thirsty. But it is worth more than gold to the person in the desert who realizes that if he doesn’t get something to drink he is going to die.
SUM. The basic experience of wanting, & having those wants fulfilled, is one of the greatest needs of life. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are expressing love by buying trinkets & giving them to your children.
IV. BRING THEM UP IN THE TRAINING & THE INSTRUCTION OF THE LORD!
Fourthly, we must bring them up in the training & instruction of the Lord.
I think that acknowledging God & worshiping God ought to be a habit, the best habit that we can ever have. Again, I think we have to begin when children are very young.
Psalm 78, Deuteronomy 6, & so many Bible passages tell us to teach our children as we sit & as we stand up & as we walk & as we lie down, to pass on from one generation to the next the instructions of God so that they won’t be stiff necked & rebellious. We are to pass on the rich heritage of the faith of our fathers to our children & to their children’s children - from one generation to another.
Now we can do that in a right way, or we can do that in a wrong way. We can create misconceptions about God in the home.
ILL. A parable is told about 3 fathers who each felt the soft hand of his child in his own & realized the responsibility of teaching his child about God.
1. One felt the awesome responsibility that was his, so he taught the child about the power & might of God.
As they walked down the pathway of life & came to the tall trees in the forest, he pointed up to them & said, "God made them & God can cause them to come crashing down anytime He wants to." As they walked in the hot sun he said, "This is God’s sun. He made it & He can cause it to be so hot & so intense that the plants in the field will wither & die."
Again & again he hammered home the power of God & how the child must be obedient to God. Then one day they came face to face with God, & the child hid behind his father, afraid even to look, refusing to put his hand into the hand of God."
2. The second father also realized his responsibility to teach his child about God. Hurriedly, he tried to teach all the important lessons he knew.
As they looked at the trees they only stopped for a moment to gaze at them. As they looked at the flowers of the field they hurried on by. He told stories, but they were hurried & crammed together. He filled the child full of facts, but he never taught him how to live or to love God. Finally, one day, at twilight they came face to face with God, but the child only gave God a casual glance & then turned away.
3. The third father felt the touch of a tender hand in his & adjusted his steps to the tiny steps of the child. They walked along, stopping to look at all of God’s beauty & grandeur.
They walked in the fields & picked the flowers. They felt the delicate petals & smelled their fragrance. They watched a bird in flight, & another building her nest & laying her eggs & sitting on them until they hatched. They watched all of the beauties of nature while the father told his child stories about God over & over again. Finally, one day in the twilight they saw the face of God, & without hesitation, the child placed his hand trustingly into the hand of His heavenly Father.
INVITATION:
