Biblical Marriage For The 90’s
Living God Church. Psalms 1:1-6 Luke 22:24-30 Ephesians 5:21-6:4
I consider it an honor to speak to you tonight at this banquet in honor of the pastors and their spouses. God has placed us in strategic places at one of the most significant times in history to make a difference for our lord Jesus Christ. More than anything else, the world is in need of godly homes, especially godly biblical marriages. I want you to know that you are where you are tonight, because God has chosen you for such a time as this to be a beacon of hope in a world that’s gone mad.
It’s almost election time, so we can plan to hear a lot more about family values in the very near future. But for a moments I want us to look at godly values of how a husband and a wife ought to demonstrate the love of Jesus Christ. Marriage is an institution which is very close to the heart of God. Yet somehow marriage has become battlefield which God never intended. Of 10 couples which marry, three will end in divorce, two will be intolerable, 3 will be okay, and only 2 will find the kind of joy that God and the couple intended.
Is the biblical concept of marriage workable today. Unfortunately, many cannot answer the question, because few understand what the Scriptures teach concerning marriage. One Sunday School teacher asked the class, if anyone knew what the Bible had to say about marriage. A little boy raised his hand saying I do, I do. The Bible says forgive them for they know not what they do.
As pastors, its hard to listen to another preacher without doing an exegetical analysis of the message. But for the next half hour, I want you to forget about being a pastor and just become a husband or a wife. We have a radio program called another perspective. I want you to be able to hear another perspective on a passage of Scripture which many of use have preached from in the past.
Part of the failure to understand marriage is a failure to understand God’s view of what a man should be and the role he should play in the marriage. In the last twenty years we’ve been in the world of the super heroes. We’ve had four Superman Movies, Three Batman Movies, Three Terminator Movies and now we have the Phantom on the movie screen. The evangelical church has responded with a new super hero of its own. Of all the images of what a man is supposed to be, the image which is most frightening for the health of the church is the one being put forward by some of the great leaders in the church today.
I have called this new man Mr. Terrific . Mr. Terrific is the leader in his home and he tells everyone in the home what to do. He has a direct connection to God that others in the home could not possibly possess so he is endowed with the ability to always knows what’s best for each and every member of the family. There is no need for him to consult with his wife on decisions, because as the head, he has the brains. His wife immediately accepts whatever his final decision is in the event they should have a disagreement, for obviously, since the man is the head, he must be speaking for God. Mr. Terrific loves his family and is its benefactor and protector. To challenge his decisions is to go against the word of God itself, for women are told to submit to their husbands so that they might live long and prosper..
As a result of this wonderful Mr. Terrific being created in the church, many women are under the false delusion of their being a man out there who is going to come and sweep them off their feet. Once this man is with them, no longer will they have to be confused with making difficult decisions. They will look to the man to tell them what God’s will is.
All the things they struggle with today, this man will be there to remove from their lives. All of his decisions will be in their best interests He will know how to handle and fix things. Yes, once this wonderful man gets into their lives, they will not have to worry about anything. He will turn them into a whole person, and this man is always going to accept them, just as they are without putting unreasonable demands on their lives. If you’re looking for this man, you’re about 1,960. years to late. His name was Jesus, and He died on a cross to let you know, Mr. Terrific is about as real as Superman, Spiderman, The terminator and the Phantom. They just do not exist.
Men, isn’t a hard enough trying to be a man without others wanting to turn us into little gods of a smaller kind. It’s worse when we fool ourselves and decide that yes, we are little gods. We truly are smarter than everybody else. The most liberating day in a husband’s life is when he realizes his wife is just as smart if not smarter than he is. We think, No one knows how to handle our situation better than we do. We really don’t need anybody else telling us what to do. If we are not careful, we eventually will come to the conclusion, we really don’t even need God. The only thing about being a god is that a god is supposed to be invulnerable, which means there are no weaknesses present. The macho man is suppose to be invincible.
According to Stuart Briscoe’s research the modern macho man in America is severely limited in his ability to speak five simple statements. It’s not that he can’t say the words, its just he’s in a prison that prevents the words from coming out, even when they are in his best interest. As superman was done in by kryptonite, Mr. Terrific and the macho man is brought down by the need to say just five statements. The five statements are 1) I don’t know. 2) I was wrong. 3) I need help; 4) I’m afraid and 5) I’m sorry.
What a tragedy faces many marriages, when the five statements that are needed most in a good marriage, the average man is unable to bring himself to say or to admit. What, say these words and look like a wimp. Men, sometimes the best compliment we can get from other men is to be accused of being a wimp in the way we treat our wives.
We need to look closer at the call of a man to be a leader in the Scriptures. You recall in our New Testament reading, the disciples were arguing over which of them was the greatest, who really was the head after Jesus. Notice they didn’t go and ask Jesus which one was number one, after him of course. They knew Jesus did not get involved with setting up people over others to rule over them. Jesus told them, "Look, the nonbelievers are always setting up a boss who tells everybody else what to do. They even call this bossy guy the head, or the good benefactor. Don’t you all get caught up in that. Look at me. I’m the head of you all, but I am the chief servant to each of you."
Jesus told them, fellows if you want to be a leader, become like a little child in your spirit. What little child is unable to say 1) I don’t know. 2) I was wrong. 3) I need help. 4) I’m afraid. and 5) I’m sorry. The very qualities we as men need to carry over into our adults lives, we attempt to get rid of them as soon as possible in order to prove we are not wimps, we are men. Men, true men are not afraid of humility, not afraid of admitting mistakes, not afraid of seeking forgiveness from those they have hurt. In doing these things, we earn the respect of others.
What then do we do with the call to become leaders in the family. Everybody seems to be saying, " the Man needs to go take charge of his family. They claim, once we get the men in control of the home, society’s problems will work themselves out. The violence will end, teenage pregnancy will stop, the prison population will go down, and welfare as we know it will end." Once again men we are being turned into gods as though we can solve everything. It’s not the shortage of men that’s the problem. The problem is a conscious and deliberate shortage of God in our society.
The truth is we can make a difference. But God has not called us to go out and cure society. God calls us to come to him, so that we ourselves may first be cured. Once we have been made whole in Jesus Christ, we can help those around us to be made well.
Now the Bible makes it clear that all men are not to become husbands because some men will be single. It’s a choice of lifestyle that’s as valid as marriage. A man does not become whole by getting married and neither does a woman. The call is for a person to be whole in God. In marriage you don’t want two halves coming together. You want to whole people merging to become a new kind of a whole together.
Marriage is an optional way of life. How do you know whether or not you and another person should get married? Ask, do I want to get married. Ask if the person is a Christian. If the answer is no, according to God’s word, you should not marry the person. If the answer is yes, then go to pre-marital counseling and discover your chances of making it in marriage.
How do you know when to set the date? Don’t look at your bank account, look at your hands and his hands. If your hands are touching parts of your bodies that are reserved for husbands and wives, you need to get married sooner rather than later, or you need to break away from this person. Sexual sin is just waiting around the corner. They best thing you can do for your relationship is to keep it pure before God, not save for some elaborate wedding. Too many Christians compromise for a glorious wedding day, not realizing it would be far better to have God’s approval on what’s taking place in the relationship.
Okay , so we make that step for marriage. We know that the Bible says something about being the head of the wife. Is that for the first century or does it still apply in the 90’s. What does that mean in practical terms? Do we have to make all the final decisions? Should we expect to be treated as Kings in our homes? Is this woman going to listen to me as I think she should? Well let’s go to the Book. Turn to Ephesians 5:21. The first thing I want you to notice is a separation between verse 21 and verse 22 by a heading "Wives and Husbands".
Now how many of you know when Paul wrote this book, he did not use this subtitle. In verse 21 Paul tells everybody, all Christians, male and female to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Simply because one becomes a husband or wife does not exempt them from verse 21. Some are teaching that once a woman marries, she no longer has a brain to think or if she does, the brain’s thinking ability will be subordinate to her husband.
Common sense ought to tell you, if a woman has great skill in finances before she gets married and the man can’t balance a check book, she is not going to lose her skills by saying I do, and he certainly will not be transformed with financial knowledge by saying I do. Now he would be a fool to insist, since he’s the head, he’s going to be in charge of the money. Likewise if he can cook extremely well, and she still burns the pan trying to boil water for hot dogs, for him to insist that since he’s the head, she’s going to do the cooking may be suicidal.
Verse 21 says to submit to one another. The verse is saying to voluntarily put your needs under the needs of another. Try to do what the other person wants to do so long as what is done pleases Christ. You’re not thinking of getting what’s best for you, but what’s best for the other person. You are attempting to have the same mind and attitude as that which was in Jesus Christ when he didn’t look out only for his own interests, but for the interests of others.
When you were growing up, did your mother ever tell you as kids, I want all of you to get busy cleaning the house. And then she turned to you and said, now you make sure the living room is in order. Now I have a responsibility to clean the whole house, along with everyone else, but if the rest of the house is clean, and the living room is bad. I’m going to be in trouble. Mother specifically told me to handle that matter.
We are all told to love each other and to submit to each other, but in the next few verses, God is going to spell out, what He is going to hold us most accountable for. In other words, these things are going to take precedence over everything else including the church. For God says, if we can’t do what we’re supposed to do at home, how can we do what we’re supposed to at church.
Verse 22 says "Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Now this verse is saying, women your attitude toward your husband is not to be based on him. You are willing to look out for his best interests as your ministry to Christ. Just like the church is to be willing to submit itself to Christ in each area of its life, so there is no area in which you are to be unwilling to yield yourself to him.
This word submit is a different Greek word from the word obey in verses 6:1 when it says children obey your parents, and slaves obey your masters in verse 5. So verses 22 is not a command for women to be treated as children or as slaves by their husbands. They are not being told, when your husband says jump, you are to ask how high. They are to use their minds to discover how they can submit their own desires to that which is best for their husbands.
Notice too in the imagery of husband to wife and Christ to church, the focus is on the union of Christ and his body. The goal is the merger of the two into one being and the price Christ was willing pay to make it happen. Wives are being instructed not to pull in an opposite direction in their marriage because the husband is striving to pay a price to make them one. The goal of the relationship is the two becoming one. This will not happen if the wife does not willingly submit her desires to her husband.
Submission does not mean you jump off a cliff simply because your husband has decided it would be a good thing for you to jump. Sometimes submission is going to mean taking a stand for what is right in opposition to your husband, to keep your husband from going off the deep end. Teachers will jump on the verse of how Sarah obeyed Abraham, and even called him her lord as the model a woman should follow. They fail to look back at Genesis 21 to see what their relationship was truly like.
Abraham and Sarah had a fight over the issue of Ishmael. Abraham strongly disagreed with her about the situation. He didn’t say, "well I’m the head around here and here is how its going to be." The Scriptures says "he was in great distress about it and went to talk with God." To his surprise, God told him, "Do whatever it is that Sarah tells you to do in this situation." Now if God was only going to speak through the husband, why wouldn’t God have put into Abraham’s mind the thoughts he put into Sarah’s.
Husband’s, look at what it is God call’s us to do. "Husband’s love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. " We are called to make an unyielding commitment to put the needs of our wives ahead of our own. Is this going to be easy. No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but its the call. To try to love our wives as Christ loved the church is a tremendous challenge. Christ accepts the church with all of its imperfections. Christ loves the church even when it does not follow His will and desires. Christ died for the church to let the church know He cared for it more than on his own life.
There is no doubt the church has first place in Christ’s heart. When we say I love you, we’re to give her top billing over everybody and everything. The rest of the world must wait for our attention including the church. When we say I do, we promise to give our allegiance to this woman and none other and to willingly serve her up to the point of death. When we are called to be the head, we are taking the responsibility to make sure that vow of allegiance is not broken in home. God holds us responsible for the attitude and atmosphere of our homes. The image of Christ in this passage is that of one who nourishes the church and provides the atmosphere for the church to blossom in its full potential.
To be the Head means we are responsible for providing the tools to help the other person reach her full potential in God. If she’s the pastor and you’re the spouse, help her to be the best pastor she can for Jesus. Jesus’ goal in dying for the church was to make her beautiful and to shine with his glory. Vs. 28 says in the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. This verse is saying, we can begin to love our wives as Christ loved the church, and the good news is that when we do, we find ourselves making it better for ourselves. When a husband loves his wife, he is the one who benefits. The more a husband seeks to please his wife, the more she is going to willingly submit herself to his desires.
Now the world tells us just the opposite as men. Man, you start doing all those things for your wife and the next thing you know she’ll be wearing the pants telling you what to do. God says baloney. A man who is willing to die everyday for his wife, will find joy in marriage. The one who does not will not know marriage as God intended it to be. It’s honor to be the head, but understand headship means responsibility and initiative. We are to take the initiative in making our relationships right when a problem has occurred.
Look at verse 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Do you notice the progression is to become one. So many want to keep husbands and wives apart by saying here is your role you stay there and I’ll stay over here with the decisions. God’s desire is for us to be so united in our decision making together, that those on the outside can’t say who made the decision, because the decision will be the couple’s decision, not his decision. The Bible emphasizes there is wisdom in listening to the advice of others. The best counselor we may ever have is our spouse.
This passage did not say, just as Jesus tells the church what to do, so husbands should tell their wives what to do. It said as Jesus died for the church, so husbands ought to die to their own interests for their wives. Headship means service, not authority. Jesus warned us about having authority over others. It can be dangerous. We as men are not equipped to be god to our families by always making the final decision. That’s reserved for Jesus Christ. Wives in your submission to us, realize that your input is greatly needed and necessary if the best decisions are going to be made for the family. Your line to God is just as direct as our line is. We go through the same Jesus Christ to get to the Father.
God’s Biblical plan for marriage in the 90’s is just as vibrant and workable as it was in the first century. It works even when one or both of the people involved are pastors. Two people who are totally committed to trying to please the other person, rather than simply asking what’s in it for me. Few things brings out our selfish nature as being involved in marriage. The cure is Jesus Christ because whether one is married or single, sin will seek to have its own way at the expense of others. The best thing we who are married can do in ministry is to show others, what a difference Jesus Christ can make in a home. Make the decision to fall in love all over again. Repent of putting the needs of the church, ahead of the needs of your spouse and your family. You’re not always going to be at the church, and believe it or not, when you leave, they are going to get somebody else. Your spouse however has promised to go with you anywhere you go for as long as it takes, till death do you part. Give him or her the best of your life. That’s what God intended. The good thing about being in Jesus, is that you can start the process today if you’ll simply ask the other person for forgiveness and commit yourself to living together as God intended.
