“Enjoying the Traits of our Mates”
Do you remember when you first saw him or her? You turned to your friend and said “whooooo is that?” (real slow)
I remember the first time I saw Julie. She was walking; I luuuuuuved her walk.
Do you remember meeting for the first time? You knew there was chemistry. You thought “oooo - I like this person.” You were excited but trying not to show it.
Do you remember the first time your hands touched and instead of acting like it didn’t happen, you held on to each other? Do you remember the chills that went through you?
Do you remember when you stayed up all night talking to each other, wanting to know everything you could about that person, not wanting that night to end?
Do you remember when you knew you were in love? When you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person. You were a team -- a good one. You made a commitment to become one forever.
But then do you remember when that person hurt you deeply. You not only hurt but you doubted. You wondered what happened to that oneness?
But you made up -- it was a good make up. But again more disappointments, more hurts. Expectations kept not being met.
And now here you are. Maybe it’s still a good marriage, but you know it’s not as good as it could be. Or maybe it is a strained marriage and you long to be one again.
Either way, you’re not alone. Every marriage sees conflict. Every marriage has shared more pain than anyone outside that marriage knows. Every marriage is a journey of hills and valleys. Highs and lows.
Just as children go through certain developmental stages from birth to adulthood, marriages go through similar developmental stages. Psychologists at the Minirth-Meier Clinic have identified 5 stages married couples pass though as they build strong, and deeply satisfying marriages.
The first stage is Young love -- the first 2 years of marriage.-- Where couples overcome idealistic notions of marriage and begin to become one family.
The next stage encompasses the 3rd thru 10th years of marriage; it is called Realistic love. This stage is often the most dangerous stage in the marriage.
The 11th thru 25th years is the stage of Comfortable love.
As one woman told me who is in this stage, it’s like oatmeal -- not exactly exciting, but comfortable, warm, and satisfying.
The fourth stage is Renewing love --in the 26th thru 35th years. It is a time of accepting some inevitable losses, and having an empty nest, but it is also a time of recommitment and rediscovering each other.
Lastly is Transcendent love -- the 36 year and thereafter. According to those you have made it this long, it is the best part of marriage. It is a time of achieving the oneness that Jesus talks about -- that “the two shall become one.”
But again, it’s that second stage of Realistic Love that so many marriages don’t survive.
Researchers at Denver University looked at long-term marriages, and discovered that as a trend most marriages decrease in satisfaction the first 10 years then they rebound and eventually far surpass the years of Young Love.
Additionally, it has been discovered that the median duration of marriage before divorce is 6.5 years.
This pattern of falling in love and then experiencing the predictable drift apart is as old as the beginning of time. In fact in Genesis Adam and Eve established a barrier to oneness that we all have followed.
First of all Genesis 2:20-23 makes it clear that Men and women were created for mutual dependency. God, who is all-in-one, put part of who he is in the male and part of who he is in the female. We are similar but different.
And it is our differences that attract us to each other (2:24-25). The beauty is in our differences. Wouldn’t it be boring if men and women were all the same?
But because we are sinners our differences eventually begin to divide us. Isn’t interesting that after Adam and Eve sinned they covered the thing that was most obviously different from the other? They were afraid they wouldn’t be accepted.
We’re also afraid that we won’t be accepted. So we cover ourselves with our emotional fig leaves.
But when we discover that that is not enough. The blame game begins. When God confronted Adam and Eve and asked why they were hiding from him and why they were covering themselves from each other, they said it’s not my fault.
And we do the same. When our expectations aren’t met, we assume it must be the other person’s fault. And when our differences, that first attracted us to each other, begin to get on our nerves and divide us, we blame the other person.
Since it is true that marriage involves two imperfect people, and since those two are so vastly different, it is important to understand the specific differences and needs of men and women.
Julie and I are similar in a lot of ways, but we are different in a lot of ways too.
Just one example is if we were to get some extra money. I would be thinking, “Great, we’ve got some more money to put into our retirement account.”
Julie on the other hand starts yelling at me “show me the money.” She likes to spend.
That difference is determined more by our personalities and family histories, but many differences in marriage are because of our gender differences.
We are different physically. I don’t need to go there. If I do, then you need more help than this sermon can give. Even my 2-year-old daughter knows there is a difference. A few months ago she said “Daddy, boys have (I don’t think I can say that here. Well she was right) boys have bleeeep, and girls have lipstick and snacks.
We are different psychologically. Studies of unborn babies have disclosed that female babies in the womb develop the left hemisphere of the brain faster than male babies. The left hemisphere is where the verbal skills originate.
In fact one study took a group of 24 yr. olds and recorded them at play. The study found that almost 100% of the girl sounds were understandable verbal expressions, while around 50% of the boy sounds were unintelligible noises, like Brummmm. eeerrrrr. datatat (Tim Allen RRRRR).
We are different sexually... A man’s sexual drive is like a light switch... it can be turned off and on very quickly. But a woman’s sexual drive is more like an iron... it takes time to warm up. It’s kind of like comparing a microwave and a crockpot.
Perhaps author John Gray has spent the last few years on the best sellers list, because he hit the nail on the head when he acknowledged that from a woman’s perspective Men are from Mars .... and from a man’ perspective Women are from Venus.
I had a different outline than the one you see on the back of your bulletin. It was an acrostic. I used the word “Mars” to describe the needs of men and the word “Venus” to describe the needs of women. But the only “V” word that I could think of to describe the needs of women was “Visa.” And I didn’t want to encourage that, so I went to this outline.
We’ll start with Guidance for Guys
FIRST: ASSIGN TOP PRIORITY TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Revelation 2:4-5 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
This passage from Revelation was written to Christians about how they had forsaken their first love for God. God’s advice is to repent and do the things you did at first.
Would you underline that sentence and put a star next to it. This is God’s advice to restore our love for him. But it is also the best advice I’ve ever heard on restoring our love and our relationship with our spouse.
Though there are many scriptures that give us good advice on relationships. This is going to be the key verse for the rest of this message.
Guys we need to put our relationship with our spouse back at the top of our priority list. Gary Smalley tells about going shopping for a blouse with his wife. He says, “I wasn’t shopping for a blouse. I was hunting for a blouse! I wanted to track it, shoot it, bag it, throw it in the back of the truck and go home.”
Men we are like that aren’t we? We are conquest oriented. It seems that once we conquer the courtship phase of a relationship, we think the job is over and we become neglectful in our relationship. And any time we do show affection, it’s because we are beginning another conquest.
Guys, where do you think your wife would say she falls on your priority list? Does she compete with your work? Does she have to fight the TV for your attention? Does she feel left out of your day and your dreams?
When you were first dating, when you were first married, where do you think your wife would have said she falls on your priority list? Probably at the top or she wouldn’t have stayed with you.
You need to Repent and do the things you did at first. What you did to captivate your wife’s love is the same thing you need to do to keep her love.
Let her know you are putting her back on top of your priority list. And prove it by doing the things you did at first.
SECOND: DARE TO TALK ABOUT AND SHOW YOUR AFFECTION.
Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Song of Songs 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth -- for your love is more delightful than wine.
Have you ever heard guys try to communicate their affection with other guys? “Hey ugly -- how you do’n?” “Good, fat boy. How bout yourself?” Could you imagine trying to use that on a girl? It seems like we’re not so good at telling people that we care for them.
But that’s not true. Do you remember what you did at first? When you first married, you could tell your wife a hundred times a day, in a hundred different ways that you loved her.
I tell my wife that I love her at least a couple of times a day. A few weeks ago we were doing some menial task together and I said, “I love you.” She looked at me pleasantly and a little bewildered, (because it really was kind of out of context).
She said, “Why did you say that?”
I said, “Actually, I was surprised that I said it out loud.” “I think it all the time.” “You know I’ll try to say it every time I think of it.” She thought that was a good idea.
Women not only like to be loved, but also to be told that they are loved. Tell her when she looks especially nice to you. Compliment her often. Express appreciation for the little things she does that usually go unnoticed.
And you can use more than words to express your love. If you want to get closer to your mate, be aware of the power of communication, which you literally hold in your hands. Some couples are literally “out of touch” with each other. When you want to express your affection, use touch.
Ed McQueen and I were leading a premarital training course yesterday for 8 couples. You should have seen ‘em. It was sickening. Holding hands, leaning on each other. They’d get real close to talk to each other.
But something that was even more encouraging to me was what I saw at a marriage workshop last weekend. Couples who have been married for over 30 years like Ed and June McQueen and Norm and Judy Miller were doing the same things as these engaged couples.
Being affectionately in love does not have to go away. Repent and do the things that you did at first.
THIRD: LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND, WITHOUT GIVING UNWANTED ADVICE.
James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame.
A common complaint I hear in counseling from women is that their husbands don’t listen to them and don’t understand them. The men, on the other hand, are bewildered and say, “I do listen to her.”
What is happening typically is that the woman wants to talk about a problem and share how she is feeling about it, and the man wants to get out of a problem and solve it.
It can go like this:
You’re lying in bed and your wife says to you “I had terrible day at work.”
And you say, “Why don’t you quit?”
She says, “I don’t want to quit. I was just trying to tell you I had a hard day.”
You say, “If you didn’t want my opinion why did you ask for it?”
She says, “Just forget I said anything.”
“I will.”
If I could give us all just one piece of conversational advice, it is for the next month don’t try to solve any of your wife’s problems unless she specifically asks you. Instead just listen to her, validate her, and let her know that you understand how she feels.
You probably don’t have to solve a problem. She can probably solve it herself. She just wants her best friend to understand her and know what she is going through.
Guys, Repent and do the things you did at first.
Remember the things you did at first? Remember listening to her and letting her cry on your shoulder? She could do that, because she felt she was in a safe place.
Be that place for her again. A place where she can be cared for, not fixed. A place where she can sympathized and not criticized.
Now, finally, we focus on the really important stuff . . . what women can do for men to meet our emotional needs!
II. Wisdom for Women
FIRST: DO THINGS RECREATIONALLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
Ecclesiastes 4:9, 11 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. . . . Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Relationship experts have discovered that women and men define intimacy differently. Women define and pursue intimacy as talking together. Men, on the other hand, define and pursue intimacy as doing activities together.
I love to be with me wife! I wish we could be together more often.
Guys want their wives to be their best friends. They want to hang out with them. They want their wives to share their interests.
Dr. Willard Harley, a psychologist and marriage counselor, writes that “during courtship, it’s not uncommon for women to join men in hunting, fishing, watching football, or other activities they would never choose on their own. They want to spend as much time as possible with men they like, and that means going where the men like to go. If a woman finds that she just can’t tolerate the man’s favorite activities, they generally break up. But if she can hang on and become his recreational companion, that friendship is likely to lead to a marriage. Without recreational companionship, few couples would ever fall in love.”
After marriage, though, “wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If the wife fails in her attempts, she usually encourages her husband to continue his own recreational activities without her and she begins other activities. Within a few years, a husband and wife often find themselves in completely different activities, with new recreational companions. I consider this a very dangerous trend.”
Ladies, Repent and do the things you did at first.
Do you remember how you used to want to be with him doing nothing, more than being with anyone else doing anything else?
Enjoy your husband. Develop the intimacy that comes from having fun together. Plan to do things together. Become your husband’s best friend, by becoming his recreational companion.
SECOND: BE YOUR HUSBAND’S BIGGEST FAN.
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. . .
If your friends only knew your husband by what you said about him, what would they think?
Unfortunately, many women prefer to complain about their husbands instead of complimenting them.
Your husband has deep needs to be admired. He wants to know if you value him, if you respect what he does, if you are proud of him.
This has nothing to do with a weak ego; even God asks to be admired. Rather, admiration is a God-given way to give and receive love.
Conversely, negatives hurt deeply. Marriage experts have concluded that negative comments are the most predictable cause for divorce.
Negative comments can be deadly to a relationship. They have even far more power than positive comments.
For example, imagine you were to give a speech to 200 people. And you got 199 positive responses and 1 negative one. Which one would you dwell on?
It takes your husband many, many positive statements to recover from one of your negative ones.
My self-confidence in every area of my life is affected by the way Julie sees me.
Do you know why I’m not insecure about losing my hair? Do you know who she thinks the sexiest guy on TV is? The Commish. Thinks Frazier is a catch too. I can compete!
Remember to Repent and do the things you did at first.
Remember how you could find so many ways to compliment and encourage your husband. Do that again.
Find ways to express how much you value him. Be sensitive to the times and situations when your spouse needs your admiration most.
When you get together with your girlfriends, don’t rag on your husband. Instead brag on him in public. Say good things about him to others.
Your husband needs your compliments, he needs your good words, he needs your applause, he needs you to say, and “You’re really good at that.”
THIRD: PROVIDE A PEACEFUL PLACE.
Proverbs 17:1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.
Would you say that your home is stress-reducing or stress producing?
I know that it is difficult to create a peaceful, loving environment, especially in this society of two career families, and moms who are isolated from extended family. And in no way am I implying that it is the wife’s sole responsibility to turn her house into a home. It is a team effort.
Some guys actually believe that in the beginning God created man, and then God noticed clothes lying all over the garden and created a woman to pick them up.
One woman said that her husband’s idea of helping is to lift his feet when she is vacuuming.
But I’m not really talking about chores here, but about atmosphere. Ladies, as far as it depends on you, try to create an environment that says to everyone in the home ... “the world may be crazy out there, but this is a place of peace and love.”
Last week at the marriage workshop, Julie and I were reminded how important transition times are.
Normally at our house, when I come home, Julie hands off at least one kid to me and asks me to do some task. I in turn, drop my brief case on the floor, put my coat on a chair, and throw my keys on the table.
When that happened, I didn’t particularly feel welcomed home, and Julie felt like I was cluttering the house up again
So this past week we’ve tried to protect that transition time from when I come from work to home.
Now the first thing Julie does is kiss me and welcome me home. And I hang up my coat and put away my brief case and keys.
Those first couple of minutes helps sets the tone for the rest of the evening. I recommend you try it yourself.
Just remember this principle: Repent and do the things you did at first.
Remember what you did to make your home such a safe and peaceful place to be. A place where your husband enter into not escape from.
Brainstorm with your husband on how you can each make your home a peaceful place.
CONCLUSION
It is a popular opinion that most brides stand in the back of the church trying to remember just how the ceremony goes . . . “Okay, I walk down the aisle, stop at the altar, and pledge my life to him.” So, she walks down to the front saying over and over . . . aisle, altar, him . . . aisle, altar, him, ... I’ll alter him!
Instead of attempting to alter one another, we need to understand one another. IT’S YOUR JOB TO LOVE YOUR MATE -- IT’S GOD’S JOB TO CHANGE THEM.
SECOND: EVERY PERSON IS UNIQUE. BE AN EXPERT OF YOUR SPOUSE AND LEARN HOW TO LOVE HIM/HER EFFECTIVELY.
Take this outline and before you even leave the parking lot, ask your spouse, or the person you are closest to, “what can I do for you to help build you up?” “What are the things I did at first that helped to capture you love that I can do again to help keep your love?”
THIRD: SUCCESS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT DEPEND ON FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON BUT ON BEING THE RIGHT PERSON. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Philippians 2:4 Each of you should look not only to your own needs, but also to the needs of others.
At our wedding, my brother gave the toast and in it he said that every morning he made it his goal to out-serve his wife. Then he encouraged Julie and me to try to out-serve each other.
When I heard that 2 things went through my mind. First I thought, “that’s really good advice.” Then I thought, “I hope Julie is listening to it.”
It would be a huge mistake to take the information from this and point fingers at each other, saying, “Our marriage stinks because you don’t meet my needs.” Besides demonstrating poor communication skills, you’re mate is only part of the problem.
AND LASTLY, THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MEET YOUR DEEPEST NEEDS IS JESUS.
If you are looking for a man or woman to supply all your inner needs, you’re looking in the wrong place. God is the only one that can do that for you.
There is only one other person that needs to go above your spouse on your priority list. That is God.
Your spouse should not feel threatened by that because the more you love God the better you will be able to love your spouse.
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[Bulletin Outline]
“Enjoying the Traits of our Mates”
Intro: In Genesis Adam and Eve established a barrier to oneness
that we all have followed.
1. Men and women were created for mutual dependency (2:20-23). 2. Our differences attract us to each other (2:24-25). 3. But because we are sinners our differences begin to divide us. We’re afraid we won’t be accepted (3:7). 4. The blame game begins (3:8-13).
I. Guidance for Guys
1. Assign top priority to your relationship.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Revelation 2:4-5 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
2. Dare to talk about and show your affection.
Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Song of Songs 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth -- for your love is more delightful than wine.
3. Listen to understand, without giving unwanted advice.
James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame.
II. Wisdom for Women
1. Do things recreationally with your husband.
Ecclesiastes 4:9, 11 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. . . . Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
2. Be your husband’s biggest fan.
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. . .
3. Provide a peaceful place.
Proverbs 17:1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.
Conclusion
1. It’s your job to love your mate -- it’s God’s job to change them.
2. Every person is unique. Be an expert of your spouse and learn how to love him/her effectively.
3. Success in marriage does not depend on finding the right person but on being the right person. Focus on yourself.
4. The only person who can meet your deepest needs is Jesus.
