Our generation is more cynical about authority figures than any other generation in our nation’s history. There was a time in American life when we thought we could trust the major social institutions, but those times are long gone. At one time confidence in our federal government soared, but then came the 1973 Watergate scandal. In our own day we’ve seen our own president publicly shamed. No wonder so many don’t vote, because people have grown callused with cynicism. There was a time when the police were looked at with respect and honor. But then came the Rodney King video, re-played hundreds of times on television. More recently we’ve seen the corruption scandal sweep through the LAPD. Now many people look at police officers with distrust bordering on contempt. There was a time when we thought we could at least trust the church to live with integrity. But in the mid-1980s we saw the moral failure of Jimmy Swagart and Jim Bakker. We’ve seen the public confidence in religious institutions steadily decline since the 1960s, and there’s no indication that decline is going to reverse itself any time soon. That generation of people born between 1946 and 1964-—the baby boomers—-has become more distrustful and suspicious of institutions than any previous generation in American history (Roof 85).
This has led to an overall decline in respect in our culture. These days when we use the word "respect," we usually don’t mean our respect for someone or something else, but we mean the respect we demand from those around us. So the direction of respect has been reversed, away from the others, and toward ourselves. This overall decline in respect has led to a culture that thrives on put-downs and sarcasm, a culture where our families bear a striking resemblance to The Simpsons. Perhaps the most significant decline in respect has occurred in the family.
We’ve been in a series through the 10 commandments called LANDMARKS FOR A NEW MILLENNIUM. Today we’re going to look at the fifth commandment together, the commandment about honoring our parents. As we explore this command to honor our parents we’re going to try to answer three questions: What does it mean to honor our parents? Are there any limits to parental honor? And why does God think parental honor is so important?
1. What Does It Mean To Honor Our Parents?
You might remember that the 10 commandments divide into two natural groupings. The first three commandments deal with our love for God, giving us specific, tangible ways for us as followers of Jesus Christ to express our love for God. The last six commandments deal with our love for other people, giving specific, tangible ways for us as followers of Jesus to show God’s love for others. The fifth commandment shows us how love for others works in the parent-child relationship.
Let’s look at this commandment together: "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you" (Deu 5:15 NIV).
Now in the context, this commandment, like the other nine commandments, is addressed to adults (Miller 84). Now obviously it applies to children of any age, but the context suggests that adult children of parents are in view here. Now in the context of the nation of Israel, the way God’s special covenant relationship with Israel was passed on from generation to generation was through the family. It was the responsibility of the mom and dad to teach their kids about who God was and what it meant to follow God. If the parents failed in this task, then the children wouldn’t honor Israel’s special covenant relationship with God, and life in the promised land would fall apart.
The Hebrew word translated "honor" here means to "make heavy" or "weighty" (NIDOTTE 2:577). The word picture is weighing down someone with esteem and respect. The opposite of "honor" is to take someone "lightly," by withholding honor and respect.
Notice this command applies equally to both the dad and the mom. In fact, in Leviticus 19:3 this command is restated but the mom is named first, so there’s no priority here of one parent deserving more honor than the other.
Now a parent isn’t necessarily the person who gives you your DNA. A father is whoever "fathers" you as you grow up, and a mother is whoever "mothers" you. So even though my biological dad contributed my DNA, he choose to forfeit his right to be my dad when he abandoned my mom and I when I was four. So this command really applies to my relationship to my mom and adoptive dad—-who adopted me when I was 7 years old.
This command to honor the people who parent us is coupled with a promise that those who do this will live long and have a good life. This is a principle that when each generation honors their parents this creates and maintains a social climate that enhances the possibility of a good and long life for people (Miller 85).
So the original context of the fifth commandment seems to be addressed to adults in their relationship with their aging parents.
But the New Testament quotes this same commandment and applies it a bit differently:
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ’Honor your father and mother’--which is the first commandment with a promise—’that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’" (Eph 6:1-3 NIV).
Here children are addressed specifically, so we have a new context for the fifth commandment. Although in Deuteronomy the fifth commandment was addressed to adults but applied equally to children, here children are addressed directly.
Here children are told to "obey" their parents. This word "obey" carries the idea of both an action and an attitude (Louw and Nida 36.15). On the one hand this word focuses on the action of obedience, that children are to do that which their parents tell them to do. But this word also emphasizes the attitude a child obey with, that they’re to listen attentively to their parents. So to "obey" here isn’t just to do what your parents say, but to listen to what they say attentively.
Now when we tell a child to do something, the usual response we get is, "Why?" Paul anticipates that "why?" But rather than saying, "Because I’m an apostle and I say so," Paul gives several reasons why kids need to obey their parents. One reason comes from that phrase "in the Lord." Obedience to parents isn’t just because the parents are bigger than kids, but because obedience to parents is part of a child’s devotion to Jesus Christ (Lincoln 402). This is obedience to the parent because of Jesus. Another reason is simply because it’s right to obey parents. This is one thing the entire ancient world agreed on, whether it was Roman, Jewish, or Christian. The social consensus of they day agreed that it was fitting and proper for children to obey their parents. Another reason is because such obedience is biblical, and here’s where Paul quotes the fifth commandment. Finally, Paul says that it’s to a child’s best interest to obey mom and dad, that there’s a promise connected to obeying the fifth commandment.So we see from both instances of this commandment that it applies both to adults and children.
So what does it mean to honor our parents? WE HONOR OUR PARENTS BY RESPECTING THE ROLE GOD HAS GIVEN THEM IN OUR LIVES.
Every time we see our belly button in the mirror it should remind us of the fact that we didn’t just turn up some day. Someone gave us the gift of life. Someone had to change our diapers, feed us, carry us around, and make sure we got naps. Duke University professors Will Willimon and Stanley Hauerwas say, "No wonder some of us despise our parents, for they are a visible, ever-present reminder that we were created" (68).
Now our parents’ role in our lives is a changing role, so how we honor our parents depends on how old we are. As children, we honor our parents by obeying their instructions. The primary role of a parent is not to make their kids happy, but to equip them for a successful, meaningful life. This equipping has spiritual, social, economic, and educational dimensions. Because of this, a parent is a teacher, providing instruction about what it means to live life, how to succeed in school, how to be a friend, how to follow through on a responsibility and so forth. Unfortunately many parents today don’t do this. Will Willimon and Stanley Hauerwas say, "[Many] parents lacking any sense of authority even in their own lives raise their children to ‘make up their own minds,’ which means our children are robbed of minds worth making up" (76). No one’s more important in a child’s life in this area than mom and dad. Now a child’s temptation is to rebel against this instruction. So for a child—-which goes from birth to 18 years old—-the way we honor the role God’s given our parents is by obeying their instructions.
As young adults we honor our parents by appreciating their contributions. When we hit the later teen years our temptation isn’t so much to rebel as it’s to dismiss our parents. We start to think they don’t know much, that they’re naïve, out of touch with the real world. Mark Twain says that when he was a teenager, he was amazed at how unintelligent his father was, but by the time he turned 21 he was amazed at how much his father had learned in such a short time.
As we launch into adulthood, we honor our parents by carefully weighing their advice, by listening attentively to their ideas, even if we end up deciding otherwise. Some of the key areas here are picking a college, choosing a career direction, and choosing a spouse. Every time we’re tempted to dismiss our parents we should take a long, hard look at our belly buttons.
Finally, as mature adults we honor our parents by caring for their needs. Now there’s a biblical principle in 2 Corinthians 12:14 that children shouldn’t have to save up money to take care of their parents, but parents are to do that for their children. That principle simply says that wise parents should be good stewards of their resources, so they don’t have to financially burden their kids when they get older. That’s a biblical principle. But that principle is balanced by this one, that part of our honor for our parents is caring for their needs as they age.Our temptation in this phase of life is to neglect our parents, to call them less and less frequently, to think about what they need less and less. Now caring for our parents’ needs has financial implications. It doesn’t necessarily mean bringing our parents into our homes when they can’t care for themselves anymore--although it can mean that--but it certainly means making sure their needs are taken care of. It also means keeping in touch, keeping our parents connected to our family, and so forth. How a person does this will depend largely on their circumstances, but the principle remains, to care for our parents needs.
2. Are There Limits To Parental Honor?
Now I’d imagine at this point some people are thinking, "Pastor Tim, you just don’t know my parents. You don’t understand how hurtful they were and how lucky I was to escape when I did." This brings up the question as to whether there are any limits to parental honor. Is this command absolute, or are there other principles and commands in the Bible that temper it?
I think that there are at least two limits to parental honor in the Bible, and I want to share these two limits with you. The first limit comes from Genesis 2:24, which says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Now we usually understand this verse to mean that when a guy gets married, he moves out of his parents’ house and sets up his own household. The problem with that interpretation is that it simply isn’t what usually happened in the ancient world. It’s certainly true that the wife moved out of her parents’ home, but back then the husband usually continued to live under his parents’ roof or at least on their property, along with his wife and any children they had (Wenham 70). Only very rarely did the man actually move out of mother and father’s household. So something else is being referred to here, and our clue comes from the word translated "leave." This Hebrew word is very strong, often being translated "forsake" or "leave behind" (NIDOTTE 3:365). It’s used more than 100 times in the Bible for breaking a special covenant relationship, thereby ending that covenant relationship. So instead of describing a man moving out of the house, this "leaving" describes a man ending the covenant relationship he had with his mom and dad.
The word "be united" here means "to stick, cling to or cleave" (NIDOTTE 1:910). This word is often used to describe establishing and maintaining a special covenant relationship with someone. It describes a state of loyalty, affection and intimacy (1:911). This cleaving together results in the man and woman being one flesh.
So this section is teaching that when a person gets married he’s ending one covenant relationship and establishing another covenant relationship. It would be like changing citizenship from one country to another; although you might still have a relationship with your previous country, your loyalty is now pledged to your new country.
So marriage radically redefines a person’s relationship with his or her mom and dad. I often tell couples I perform weddings for that when they walk into the church their parents are their immediate family, but when they walk out of the church their spouse will be their immediate family and their mom and dad will be extended family. So our loyalty to our spouse in a marriage relationship is going to effect how honor our parents.
The other limitation to parental authority is found when Peter and John tell the religious leaders of their day, "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight for us to obey you rather than God" (Acts 4:19 NIV). This section tells us that there are times when a legitimate authority figure in our life might command us to do something that would be displeasing to God. There are times when a parent’s will could come in conflict with God’s will, and for the follower of Jesus Christ, obedience to God’s will must take priority. This occurs in rare cases when a parent commands a child to do something explicitly forbidden in the Bible.
It’s hard for many of us to imagine, but some parents tell their kids to do evil things, and in that case a child is under no obligation to obey that command. This is a parent who commands a child to be sexually intimate with someone, or commands a child to smoke pot with them, or to lie to a police officer about a crime committed. I have a friend who’s dad used my friend’s car to rob a store and then demanded that my friend lie for him. My friend was under no obligation to obey his dad.
So from these two verses we find the limits to parental honor. We must only honor our parents in ways that also honor God. In the Christian’s life there’s a ladder of priorities, and allegiance to Jesus Christ comes is the top rung on the ladder. If we’re married, then our commitment to our spouse and our children are the second rung on that ladder. Then comes our commitment to our mom and dad. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me" (Matthew 10:37).Christian author C. S. Lewis has suggested that when we learn to love God above all our human relationships, we learn to love those we care about the most even better; but when we put our love for those we care about before our love for God, we’ll eventually find ourselves no longer loving those we care about the most. "When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased" (cited in Hughes 97). For the follower of Jesus Christ, there is no higher love and loyalty than God. This is why the first four commandments come first.
In Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book on the 10 Commandments, she suggests that when a parent is violent, sexually aggressive or emotionally destructive, children are justified to but some distance between themselves and their parents (159). My friend with the store robbing father eventually had to move out of state to put this kind of distance between his family and his father. That rarely means cutting off the relationship, but when a parent is continually bringing destruction into your life it does justify distance. Dr. Laura gives the intriguing suggestion that in these cases, honoring our parents means honoring what our parents should have been (157-58).
3. Why Is Parental Honor Important?
Now this leads us to our final question of why honoring our parents is such a big deal to God. In our fragmented culture, parental honor seems archaic. But according to the Bible the parent-child relationship is the most basic foundation for society. From the parent-child relationship we learn how to relate to people. The Protestant Reformer Martin Luther said, "Out of the authority of parents all other authority is derived and developed" (cited in Miller 85).
This is why both Jews and Christians down through the centuries have recognized that the fifth commandment is really a principle about our attitude toward authority in general. The Westminster Catechism puts it this way: "By ‘father’ and ‘mother’ in the Fifth commandment, are meant not only natural parents, but all superiors....especially [those]....over us in pace of authority, whether in family, church or commonwealth" (cited in Miller 85). So the fifth command is using parental authority as a paradigm for how we honor all authority in our lives, and it uses parental authority because the parent-child relationship is so basic.
Romans 13:7 tells us about how we should respond to authority in our lives: "Give everyone what you owe: if you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor" (NIV).
Followers of Jesus Christ owe respect and honor to those in various authority relationships to them. These include the government, church leaders, civil servants, church leaders, employers, and so forth.
So why is honoring our parents so important? Parental honor lays the foundation for our attitude toward all authority figures.
If we don’t learn the fifth commandment, then we’re going to have no foundation for the rest of the authority relationships in our lives. From the fifth commandment we learn how to relate to our boss, to our teachers, to our government, an so forth. We often think an authority figure has to earn the right to be honored, and if we find an authority figure who’s imperfect or makes mistakes, we think we’re off the hook. But according to the Bible that’s not true; we’re still bound to honor authority in our lives even when that authority is imperfect. You see, imperfect authority is always preferable to anarchy, where everyone does their own thing. So although there are definite limits to how much honor we’re to give to authority figures in our lives, we’re not off the hook if they’re imperfect.
Without authority relationships our society would fall apart. The way we relate to umpires, pastors, police officers, our president, teachers and bosses is a natural outgrowth of the way we relate to our parents.
If you’re a parent, how do you get your kids to live by the fifth commandment? If you haven’t noticed, just quoting the fifth commandment to your kids usually doesn’t result in instant respect. I suggest that the way our kids learn about honoring us is by watching how we respond to authority figures in our own lives. Perhaps the primary way we teach our kids about honor is how we respond to our own parents. If we’re constantly badmouthing our parents in front of our kids, that’s modeling to them they should relate to us when they’re grown.We also model proper respect for authority in how we act toward umpires and referees in sports. If we’re constantly questioning an umpire’s call, muttering derogatory statements under our breath, or even being asked to leave the ball field, that’s teaching our kids how to respond to our authority.
We model proper respect for authority in how we respond to the pastors and spiritual leaders in our lives. People who badmouth their pastor in front of their kids are teaching their kids how to respond to authority in their lives. I’ve known of pastors sitting in congregational meetings with their wife and kids, while people stood up and accused the pastor of lying and manipulation. That models to children how to respond to authority.We model proper respect for authority in how we respond to the police. When I started volunteering as a police chaplain I was absolutely amazed at how disrespectful kids were to police officers. But then I started seeing how the parents of those kids responded to the police, and I realized that the kids were just imitating what they see mom and dad do. If we’re rude to a police officer when he or she pulls us over, our kids see that, and that lays the foundation for their response to authority.We model proper respect for authority in how we respond to our national leaders. If our kids hear us say derogatory statements about our president--no matter how much he might deserve them--that effects the way our kids respond to authority. Our own lack of respect for national leaders is raising an generation of cynical, apathetic adults who wonder why they should even vote.
We model proper respect for authority in our we respond to teachers. We model proper respect in how we respond to our bosses. So whenever we respond to an authority figure in front of our children, we’re teaching them how to live by the fifth commandment.
Conclusion.
So the bottom line of the fifth commandment is this: God has established relationships of authority in our lives and we express our devotion to God by honoring the people over us.
Now maybe you feel like it’s too late for you, that too much time has gone by, you’ve failed in this area too many times. But it’s not too late, it’s never too late to start living by God’s plan for authority in our lives, and when we make that start--no matter how late in life it is--we begin to experience the promise of the fifth commandment.
Sources
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Durham. John. 1987. Exodus. Word Biblical Commentary vol. 3. Word Books.
Hughes, R. Kent. 1993. Disciplines of Grace: God’s Ten Words for a Vital Spiritual Life. Wheaton: Crossway Books.
Hybels, Bill. 1985. Laws that Liberate. Wheaton: Victor Books.
Lincoln, Andrew. 1990. Ephesians. Word Biblical Commentary Vol. 42. Word Books.
Louw, J. P. and E. Nida (editors). 1989. Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains. New York: United Bible Societies. CD-Rom edition.
Mehl, Ron. 1998. The Ten(der) Commandments. Portland: Multnomah.
NIDOTTE = VanGemeren, Willem A. (editor). 1997. The New International Dictionary of Old Testament Theology and Exegesis. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
Roof, Wade Clark. 1999. Spiritual Marketplace: Baby Boomers and the Remaking of American Religion. Princeton University Press.
Schlessinger, Larua with Rabbi Stewart Vogel. 1998. The Ten Commandments: The Significance of God’s Laws In Everyday Life. New York: Harper Perennial.
Tigay, Jeffrey. 1996. Deuteronomy, The JPS Torah Commentary. Philadelphia: The Jewish Publication Society.
Wenham, Gordon. 1987. Genesis 1-15. Word Biblical Commentary Vol. 1. Word Books.
