CONQUERING CONFLICT IN THE CHURCH
Growing Up Rather Than Giving Up - Part 10
James 4:1-10
We’re going to be looking at what James has to say on How to Conquer Conflict In The Church.
Conflict in the church has been a problem since the beginning of the church. Conflict is a problem that the church has had to deal with down through the ages of time. People often wonder, Why is that I can’t get along with those in the church? Why is that that we have such heated arguments? Why is there so much contention, strife and division in the church?
James is going to answer these question for us today. In this passage on how to conquer conflict he gives us both the causes and the cures -- the reason for conflict and the remedy for conflict. The Who, The Why and The How. Who is the cause of conflict? Why are we having conflicts? How do we resolve the conflict? James is going to set us straight on the causes and cures for conflict.
At the very start of this message, think of the person or persons that causes the most conflict in your life. You’re going to get the most out of this message if you think about the person or persons who causes conflict in your life and how to avoid conflict with them.
James tells us that there are three areas of conflict within our lives.
1. Conflict with others.
2. Conflict within ourselves.
Galations 5:17 For the flesh lusteth against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh: and theses are contrary the one to the other; so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.
1 Peter 2:11 Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lust, which war against the soul.
3. Conflict with God.
We have conflict with others because we have a conflict going on, on the inside of us. We have a conflict in our personal lives because we have a conflict with God. You will see this as we progress through the message.
I.. CAUSES OF CONFLICT:
James 4:1 "What causes fights and quarrels among you. Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?" James doesn’t beat around the bush. He gets right to the point. James says that the cause of conflict is conflicting desires. When my wants conflict with your wants the sparks are going to fly.
Conflict starts early in life, even before you could talk. Have you noticed that a baby, if his needs are not instantly gratified, he lets you know. You can argue even if you don’t know how to talk.
Marriage has built in conditions for conflict. Think about the things you expected of your spouse before you got married -- how idealistic and unrealistic you were about marriage. What a rude awakening that was, the day you woke up! All marriages go through three stages: Stage one, happy honeymoons; Stage two, the party’s over; Stage three, let’s make a deal. At Stage three you have to learn how to handle conflict, because it’s going to happen. There are going to be conflicting desires. Frustrated feelings cause fights.
What desires? The Bible makes very clear here and other places in Scripture that there are three basic desires we have that cause conflict. These desires are legitimate desires unless they’re out of control. They are God given desires. But when you put them above other people, when they become number one in your life, they will cause conflict. What are they?
1. THE DESIRE TO HAVE THINGS:
We want to have things. Materialism. Possessions. v. 2 "You want what you don’t have ... you long for what others have." God created things to be used and to enjoy. That’s what they’re there for. We use things and love people. The problem is when we start loving things and using people. When we start loving things and using people we’ve got it backwards. When we start loving things and using people -- we start manipulating them, controlling them, moving them around to get what we want because things become more important in our lives.
It’s very easy to fall in love with things these days with all the TV commercials. The desire to have becomes number one in our life and that creates conflict. It is not by accident that Gallup says that 56% of all marriages that end in divorce end because of money problems. Things become a battle ground. We, as Americans, think the constitution says, "Life, liberty and the purchase of happiness." Someone asked Howard Hughes one time, "How much does it take to make a man happy?" He said, "Just a little bit more." The thrill wears off very quickly. We’ve got to learn to deal with the desire to have. If you decide to base your life on comparing it to other people, you will never be happy no matter how much you get. Just the time you catch up with the Jones’ they refinance. There’s always something more.
2. THE DESIRE TO FEEL GOOD:
I want to feel good. I want to be comfortable. I want to have my senses satisfied. v. 3 "You want only what will give you pleasure" It’s not wrong to enjoy life.
I Timothy 6:17 "God made everything for our enjoyment."
But when pleasure becomes the number one goal in your life -- if it feels good, do it -- you’re asking for conflict. It’s going to cause problems in your life. When my pleasure takes the place over what is needful, then we’re in trouble. The fact is, I’m more interested in my comfort than I am in yours and all I think about is what makes me feel good. The desire to feel good creates conflict. We some how got this idea that the more I have the better I will feel. This feeling however will only for a while. Buying a new car may make you feel better. But then comes the monthly note and the new wears off. That good feeling you had is now quickly fading and is being replaced by another feeling.
3. THE DESIRE TO BE NUMBER ONE:
I want to be number one. It’s the desire for "me first". We are living in a world were people are all wrapped up in themselves. I have to have the recognition and the pats on the back.
Proverbs 13:10 "Pride leads to arguments." That’s so simple. "Only by pride comes contention". Why? I’m too proud to compromise and that causes conflict. Game kids play when they wrestle together -- "Cry Uncle" -- they wrestle until one pins the other and forces him to say "uncle!". My brother could nearly kill me before I’d cry "uncle". Why? Because of pride. We don’t want to give in. Have you ever been in an argument where you knew you were wrong but you wouldn’t admit it. Why? Because of pride. Pride causes arguments. This is the bottom line of all these things. The next time you’re in an argument, stop and ask "Is it worth it?"
4. UNFULFILLED DESIRES CAUSE CONFLICT:
Why do my desires go unfulfilled?
James gives us the answer.
v. 2-3 "You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives."
Here James tells us two reasons why our desires aren’t fulfilled.
A. We don’t pray.
James 4:2 Ye have not because ye ask not.
We don’t ask God. God can not answer a prayer that has not been prayed. Why don’t we pray and ask God for help? We are self sufficient. We look to the wrong source. We look to people to fulfill our needs instead of looking to God. He says, "I’ll meet your needs, just pray." And when we do pray, we usually pray with the wrong motive. We ask things in a selfish way. The Bible has said that everything I need God has promised to provide. He’ll meet my desires to have, to be, to feel -- not just luxury but all my needs. Philippians 4:19 "My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus" if we’ll ask in prayer. But we’d rather fight than pray. We’d rather argue about something than go look to the Lord for the answer. When we are in the middle of a conflict the last thing on our mind is prayer. We’re not thinking about that. But James says, that’s the problem. We look to others instead of looking to God and that causes conflict. We’d rather try to work it out ourselves. Why don’t I pray? I don’t think I need God. If I really thought I was more dependent upon God and I needed Him more I’d pray more. James says we’d have a lot more peace if we just prayed more. We’d have a lot less to worry about, a lot less to argue about, a lot less to fight over if we just prayed more. The old song, "Oh what peace we often forfeit, Oh what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."
B. We pray with the wrong motives.
James 4:3 Ye ask and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that you may consume it upon your lust.
You may say Brother Mooney I have prayed but to no avail. James say’s check your motive. There are times that we pray but we pray with the wrong motive. James said you ask amiss
( wrong motives ). The word amiss means to be sick or diseased. To ask amiss is to ask God for something with a sick or diseased attitude or motive. Let me say this. God is concerned about our legitimate needs and desires. God has promised to meet those needs. But , if we ask God for something with for the wrong reason or with a wrong motive or a sick and diseased attitude God can not and will not answer that prayer. His answer will be no.
That you may consume it upon your lust. The word consume means to squander away or waste. In this context it means to squander or waste it on one selfish pleasure.
In the next verses, James talks about conflict with God. Pride not only causes conflict with other people but it causes conflict with God. v. 6 "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." God declares war on selfishness. Have you noticed that God has a unique way of engineering circumstances to pop our pride? Just about the time you think, "I’ve got it together!" He puts you in your place if you think you don’t need Him. To be in opposition to God is a dangerous place to be. You’re on a collision course. There’s no way you’re going to win.
C. WE HAVE RUPTURED OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD:
James 4:4 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
We all know what adultery is. That’s when you are married to one person and having an affair with someone else. It is being unfaithful to your spouse. The church of Jesus Christ is married to Him. When we are having an affair with the world, we are being unfaithful to our heavenly spouse. We are telling Him that we are not pleased with Him or satisfied with Him.
How many of you know that if you are unfaithful to your husband or wife you are going to have conflict?
We have committed spiritual adultery within the church and we need God’s forgiveness.
We have covered the causes of conflict. Now let’s take a look at the cure for conflict. Verse 5 that God is a jealous God and that he will not share us with world. You cannot serve God and this world. You will either totally serve God or totally serve the world. There is no in between. Either you are God’s or you are not.
II. THE CURE FOR CONFLICTS:
1. GOD’S GRACE
We all need God’s Grace to end conflicts. To end conflict with others, within ourselves and with God.
v. 6 & 10 "God ... gives grace to the humble. Humble yourself before the Lord, and he will lift you up."
What is grace? Grace is God’s power to change. What would you like to change about yourself? Whatever it is, you need grace to do it. What do you want to change about your relationships, your marriage, your family, your relationship with those in the church? Whatever you would like to change, you need grace. You can’t change it on your own. You need God’s power and that’s called grace. Grace is the power to change. And there is only one way you get grace.
You humble yourself. What does it mean to be humble. The Greek word means to be down to earth. Not to have an inflated opinion of ourselves. It is the opposite of sinful pride.
Let me give you a biblical definition of what it means to be humble.
Romans 12:3 For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.
God doesn’t give grace to people who are full of pride and think "I can do it on my own. He resist the proud." 1 Peter 5:5 For God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. He gives grace when we come and say, "God, I need your help."
2. GIVE IN TO GOD
James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God.
What does it mean to submit? Submission is a military word that means to rank under, to subject oneself to another, to obey, and to place yourself in proper rank. To submit then is to yield to the authority and will of another. In this context when we find ourselves in conflict with others we are to yield our lives and will to the authority and will of God. We are to obey God rather than our fleshly desires. When we find ourselves in conflict with others, our flesh wants to fight and argue with the person that we are in conflict with. Our flesh wants to prove a point to the other person.
When you Submit yourself to God." v. 7. You are giving God control of your life and your conflict. You are putting Him charge. You need to yield yourself to Him. This is the starting point. Quit trying to run your own life. In v. 1 it says "...your desires that battle within you..." James says that conflict that happens with other people happens because you have conflict on the inside. You don’t get along with other people because you’ve got a civil war in your life. This is the real issue. The starting point is getting peace inside before you can have peace outside. Find peace of mind, find peace in your heart. The real conflict is inside of you -- who’s in charge of my life. If you’re in charge, then anytime somebody comes along that doesn’t go the way you want to go, then you get uptight. You get irritated. You get upset. You want things just the way you want them to go and when they don’t go that way, it makes you mad. But if God’s in charge of your life, it doesn’t irritate you as much.
Colossians 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart."
When we have the peace of Christ in our heart then we’ll be at peace with other people. If we don’t have this in our life -- God’s peace in our hearts -- then we try to manipulate others, try to control them and try to move them around to get what we want out of life.
We have to get our lives in alignment with God, His word and will for our lives.
When the tires on your car are out of alignment, they wear out a lot faster than they should. When they are out of alignment you will feel your car pull to the left or right. Changing the tire does not fix the problem. Many think that changing the tire will solve the problem, but it doesn’t. It just cost you more money. The wear and tear and the pulling to the left or right is just an indicator that you have problems somewhere else. If you want save the wear and tear on your tires and stop the pulling you have to get the front end aligned.
Many people spend their lives jumping from one church to another thinking that the church is the problem. When in reality the problem is not in the church but in them. Changing churches want fix the problem. Getting your life aligned with God will, fix the problem.
3. RESIST SATAN
If you haven’t submitted to God, it will not do you any good to resist Satan. Submission to God must come before you can resist the devil.
A. We need to resist the devil by being wise to Him
2 Cor. 2:11 Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of His devices.
2 Cor. 2:11 "In order that Satan might not outwit us, we are not unaware of his schemes."
2 Cor. 2:11 A further reason for forgiveness is to keep from being outsmarted by Satan; for we know what He is trying to do.
Paul says, wise up! Recognize his tactics. Know how he operates
Be aware, be alert. Realize what he’s doing. Realize where the conflict comes from and that he’s the source behind it. Don’t be dumb. Don’t be ignorant. "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." The word "resist" is a war term. It means to be prepared. To stand against. Withstand an attack. The devil wants to destroy your marriage. He wants to destroy every other good relationship. Why? Because he loves conflict, arguments. He wants to cause confusion, arguments, stress, hurt feelings, disappointment, anger, chaos. He loves to do it. James says you’ve got to give into God, let Him have control. Then you’ve got to do some defensive action. You’ve got to resist the devil and realize what he’s doing. If you get up in the morning and you don’t run into the devil, head on, it means you’re already going in the same direction.
How does the devil operate? He doesn’t stand around with a pitchfork and a red suit, like Underwoods deviled ham. How does the devil operate? He plays on our pride. Particularly wounded pride. He tells us what we want to hear. He whispers in our ear. He gives us little thoughts, suggestions, ideas. When you’re in the middle of an argument, he starts whispering in your ear, things like "You don’t have to take this kind of stuff. Retaliate. Who do they think they are? Get even. Don’t put up with this kind of stuff. Show ’em who’s boss." He tells you all the things your pride would love to hear. You need to say, "Satan, I know that’s you." Resist him.
B. We need to resist Satan with faith.
1 Peter 5:8-9 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the Devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom He may devour: Whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethern that are in the world.
There is a great promise here. It says, "Resist the devil and he will flee." You don’t have to put up with him. Give in to God and get wise to Satan.
4. DRAW CLOSER TO GOD
James 4:8 Draw nigh unto God, and He will draw nigh unto you. Cleanse your hands, Ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
If there is anything that wants to do, it si to stop you from getting closer to God. Everything Satan does is to keep you from drawing closer to God and growing more intimate with Him. The closer you get to God the better you will know Him. The better you know Him the more like Him you will become.
How do I draw close to God?
A. CLEAN UP YOUR LIFE
James say’s clean your hands and purify your heart. The hands represent the outward man and how we live our daily lives. The heart is the inward man which controls the outward man.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.
B. HAVE A CLEAN CONSCIENCE
C. HAVE FULL CONFIDENCE IN GOD
C. HAVE A SINCERE HEART
How can we clean up our lives? How can we clean up our act? Lets see what the word of God says about this.
Psalm 119:9 Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word.
Psalm 119:9 TLB How can a young man stay pure? By reading your word and following its rules.
There is a great promise here too. When I in genuineness draw close to God, "He will come near to you." He doesn’t back off. He draws close to you. When you move toward Him, God moves toward you.
You give in to God, get wise to Satan, draw close to God and then...
5. BE SORROWFUL FOR THE CONFLICT
James 4:9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
James is not talking about the joy and laughter of salvation here. Here he is talking about the temporary joy and laughter you get when you win a conflict and leave the other person wounded and hurting. We all know the feeling we have when we have won the fight or got our point across. I got what I wanted. I got it my way. Sometimes we get so caught up in our rights that we forget what is right. We all have rights. But it is not right for us to get what we want at the expense of someone else. Look at verse 2 again. James say’s you want something and you kill to get. You have a strong desire to have something and you are willing to destroy others in order to get it. James say’s you need to be broken for this. You need to cry and morn for this. You need to repent for doing such things. It’s destroying the church. It’s ruining your relationship with others in the body of Christ. Stop it, and start mourning.
"Let there be tears for the wrong you’ve done." Don’t minimize what’s happened. Take it seriously. Be sorry for your self-centeredness. If someone says you’ve hurt them, you’ve hurt them. It may not be a big deal to you, but it was to them.
6. DON’T BE CRITICAL OR JUDGMENTAL OF OTHERS
James 4:11 Speak not evil one of another, brethern. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. 12. There is one law giver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another.
James 4:11-12 ( TLB ) Don’t criticize and speak evil about each other, dear brothers. If you do, you will be fighting against God’s law of loving one another, declaring is wrong. But your job is not to decide whether this law is right or wrong, but to obey it. Only He who made the law can rightly judge among us. He alone decides to save us or destroy. So what right do you have to judge or criticize others.
We don’t have the right to be critical or judgmental of other because we don’t have or know all the facts.
Many time we attempt to build ourselves up by tearing others down.
There three things we need to remember that will help us not to be critical or judgmental of others.
A. REMEMBER WHO THE OTHERS ARE.
Look at the threefold repetition of brethern, brother and brother. This reminds us of the family relationship that we have with Christians. Families are to love, support, care for and protect each other.
If other Christians are viewed as those who were chosen by God before the foundation of the world, for which Christ died, who are loved and honored by God, and with whom we will spend eternity in heaven with, we will seek to honor, love and protect them. The first step to avoid criticizing and judging others is to keep our thoughts right about others. They are our brothers and sisters in the Lord.
B. REMEMBER WHO GOD IS.
There is only one law giver and that is God. There is only one judge and that is God. Only God has the right to judge. Only God can condemn and judge others. He doesn’t need any help from us. God can save, or God can destroy.
C. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.
James ask the question, Who art thou that judgest another? In our modern day language, James is asking, Who do you think you are judging others? It’s not your job to judge or condemn others. You are just flesh and blood like those that you are judging. You have faults and failures just like them. You have strengths and weaknesses just has others do. You are no more perfect than those that you are criticizing and judging, so stop it.
When we judge others we are taking on the responsibility of God. There is only one God and you are not Him and I am not Him. When we judge others we are passing judge on God’s word. And that is wrong.
6. BE WILLING TO ASK FORGIVENESS
If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, avoid arguments, learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those you hurt.
Now... go back to that person I asked you to think about at the beginning of this message. Would you like to begin to resolve the conflict with that person? How do you do it? Are you willing to go and apologize for your part? Maybe they are 95% wrong and you’re only 5% at fault, but you take care of your 5% and let God handle the other 95% in their life. Their response is their response. "I know we’ve had our differences and I know I haven’t always been thoughtful. A lot of times I’ve thought more about myself than your needs." How humbling that would be! Right! Because God gives grace to the humble! If you want to change, the only way you’re going to change is to be humble. And the only way to be humble is to go and ask forgiveness. It’s hard but do you want to change? Do you want to reduce the conflict? Maybe the way you do it is by cracking the door open by you taking the first step even if they are primarily at fault. Admit what you’ve brought into the relationship that was wrong. It’s humbling, sure. But God gives grace to the humble. Maybe this week you need to write a letter, make a call, make some restitution even to that person who’s irritated you --
v. 10 "Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up." God doesn’t want to keep you down on the ground. The way to honor is humility. If you want to be honored by your husband/wife/the Lord, it means humility. Coming and saying "God, I give up. I can’t do it all on my own. I need Your power to resist the devil when he says, Live for yourself."
Philippians 2:3-5 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, [Why? because pride causes arguments] but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest but also the interest of others." He is not saying forget about your needs. But he is saying don’t be so wrapped up in your needs that you forget about the needs of others.
Prayer:
Would you pray this prayer in your heart right now? "Lord, would you help me to think of others and not just my own desires? Help me to be willing to admit when I am wrong." Maybe you need to go to somebody today and apologize. Say, "I’ve been selfish and I’m sorry." The Bible says, "God opposes the proud but He gives grace to the humble." God will give you the power to change and become the person you’ve always wanted to be. The Bible says He lifts you up, Before honor is humility. Then would you pray, "God, today I want to give into You. I give You my life, my marriage, my career. I submit it all to You. I ask You to put the peace of Christ in my heart to rule. Help me to get wise to Satan, to realize he plays on my pride and tells me things I want to hear but really only make matters worse. Father, help me to grow closer to You, to make time in my schedule for time with You. Father, I admit that many times I’ve put me first and I ask You to forgive me. Help me to become like Jesus, to have the attitude that He had, to not only look after my own interest but also the interest of those around me. Teach me to say, `Thy will be done’ instead of `Me first’." If you’ve never invited Jesus Christ into your life, do it. Ask Him to come in.
