*When you are fired from a job or passed over for that promotion you deserved, you get the message that you really aren’t good enough or have no worth. That can leave you reeling in low self-esteem and cause tremendous fear and insecurity.
Many adoptees that I have encountered over the years have experienced the feeling of abandonment even though their adoptive families have given them love and comfort to the utmost degree. To some, the fact they were given up for adoption is proof that there is something wrong with them and the feeling of abandonment lingers, poisoning their relationship with their adoptive family and keeping them from experiencing family love to its fullest.
When my adoptive mother died, I struggled with those same feelings. I didn’t realize at the time that I had this anxiety. I knew she didn’t intentionally leave me to hurt me, but I still felt angry and abandoned. This fear of loss was carried into the relationship with my wife. When my wife’s health worsened and caused her to spend weeks in the hospital, I was distraught and devastated by the unfolding events around me.
I remember one afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, feeling numb from all that was happening, and desperately seeking God’s face. In the midst of my deep sorrow, I unexpectedly felt the desire to praise and worship God. It enveloped me, wrapping me in the warmth of joy. I just wanted to praise Him, amazed that this great joy was flooding my spirit!
Then, a verse came to memory, *"I will give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness." (Isaiah 61:3 KJV)
His presence gave me the strength to face all that I was going through.
Although I felt the Lord’s presence in every aspect of my life, I continued to struggle with, and could not overcome, the deeply-rooted fear of losing my wife. The thought of another person dying to whom I had given all of my heart, and entrusted all of my soul, was just too great. The first person I willingly opened my heart to was my adoptive mother, and she died. Her death left me feeling empty inside, so I tried to overcome those feelings by burying her memory deep within.
For years I was terrified to allow anyone intimate access to my heart. I was afraid of the unbearable pain of my mother’s death would somehow be awakened and reappear. When I fell in love with my wife, I knew that I had to "open up" again if we were to have a healthy marriage. During the time my wife was lying in the intensive care unit, in what I thought was to be her death bed, I was overwhelmed with grief. The past was haunting me. I couldn’t handle the pain.
When I finally "emotionally" buried my adoptive mother, it helped soothe my sorrow and fear, so I began to react the same way towards my wife. I subconsciously "buried" her. I unconsciously had severed our emotional relationship so that I could deal with the stress and fear her sickness was causing. For months afterward I walked around feeling empty and numb inside, angry that she was sick. I was even angrier with myself for the way I was reacting.
Our marriage suffered, and my relationship with the Lord suffered. It wasn’t until many months later that I realized the great mistake I had made just for "emotional protection." Once I confronted my fears, I knew that for the sake and health of our marriage relationship, I had to entrust her once again with my heart and soul. I had to overcome my anger and fear and allow forgiveness to flood my spirit. Yet, in spite of my growing understanding, these same problems continued to reappear at times in our marriage.
I had always struggled deeply with intimacy. I longed to be able to hold and love my wife effortlessly. But something deep within was blocking me, keeping me from the very one I so desperately needed. Years and years went by. Each time we experienced a crisis, I would withdraw from her, seeking my own private place to find a way out of the problems we faced.
I had long ago unknowingly begun building a wall that I would use to protect her from my pain and fear. And with each new dilemma in which I found myself, I unconsciously built the wall a little taller, a little wider, and a little thicker until it became an impossible task for her to even attempt to overcome it.
Each time a crisis would appear I would be ashamed of the way I responded by pulling away from her. I longed to reach out to her, but instead, I withdrew even more. I just couldn’t understand what was taking place. As a result of having gone through many painful crises in a short period of time, our marriage began to seriously crumple for what appeared to be the last time.
We had once again gotten back on our feet and into a normal routine when I was confronted with a potentially deadly health problem. It took months of testing and numerous doctor’s visits before I was given a final diagnosis. The news was good. I was out of danger. But, the many, many weeks of living in the fear of uncertainty had caused me to revert once again to that separate place of emotional security from which I excluded my wife. The wall I built had now made me invulnerable. This caused chaos and destruction in our marriage. I needed help to find answers.
My wife and I agreed to seek out a Christian who was trained in marriage counseling and skilled in psychotherapy. Using her trained eyes and ears, as well as her openness to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, our counselor began guiding us as we started taking tiny steps toward our goal of bringing healing into the marriage.
After weeks of meetings there came a breakthrough that could only be described as supernatural. Our counselor had been asking me a series of questions as to why I reacted to crises the way I did. She confronted me with my emotional wall building. And as she persisted, I instantly saw in my mind’s eye the place I went as a little boy when I was sad or lonely.
I had built a fort that I played in after school each day. Not too long after my adoptive mother’s death, on a day I was feeling deeply afraid and terrified of my future without her, I went to my hiding place to be alone. My dog followed me in. Sensing my sorrow and pain, she sat down to guard the doorway. She growled at anyone or anything that came near. I was truly amazed at how she had protected me.
As I shared this mental picture, the counselor asked me what I was feeling at the moment, and I responded by saying that I felt alone, frightened, and abandoned. Suddenly, the realization of what was taking place hit me with great emotional impact. I began to cry uncontrollably, I was aching from pain that was coming from deep within. Torrents of tears flowed down my face as I began to realize that I had, in fact, built those walls around me-the self-protective fort-that had kept me from loving my wife as I knew I should, as I had always longed to do.
I discovered that each time I was confronted by a serious crisis, I would retreat to my emotional hiding place and subconsciously create a "guard dog" of angry behavior that would chase my wife away from me.
It was amazing to learn that all of this had stemmed from the abandonment I felt when my mom left me through her death! The painful feelings of that day so long ago had never gone away. Subconsciously, I had carried my fear of abandonment into my marriage, where it had subtly and destructively impacted every aspect of our relationship. I had to seek my wife’s forgiveness for those many times I had shut her out of my life when she longed to be of great help and comfort to me. I also had to forgive myself for the way I had responded to all those years. And I had to repent for not allowing God to be my protector.
*The sense and fear of abandonment can leave you feeling empty and angry.
When a loved one leaves you, the anguish, coupled with the varied emotions that are experienced, can last a lifetime if they are not dealt with through forgiveness.
There are times when you feel as though God has abandoned you because of a sin you committed. Or you may even have the underlying fear that He will abandon you if you do sin.
*David, the great king of Israel who was a "man after God’s own heart," had a fear that God would abandon him because of the many sins he had committed.
David wrote of his dread and apprehension in the psalms: *"Do not cast me away from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me." (Psalm 51:11)
Yet, nowhere in Scripture is there any indication that the Holy Spirit ever left him, even though he had committed adultery and was a murderer and a liar. If the Holy Spirit didn’t leave David after all the grievous sins he committed, you can rest assured that God has promised He will never leave you!
Jesus experienced what it feels like to be abandoned, to be rejected and betrayed by a loved one. Less than a week after He entered into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey, the same people who sang "Hosanna!" were crying out, "Crucify Him, crucify Him!" as He stood before Pontius Pilate. After spending three intimate years at the side of Jesus, Judas betrayed Him with a kiss! Even the great Apostle Peter denied his friend and master three times as Jesus stood trial before the rulers of Israel.
Jesus came into the world to offer Himself as a sacrifice for the sins of man. He came to die that we might have life-life with the guarantee that He would not let anything happen to us that could sever our relationship with Him.
Jesus promised;
*"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." (John 10:28)
In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus spent a night of great agony over the burden He would soon have to bear. He prayed,
*"’Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." (Luke 22:44)
Jesus knew throughout eternity past what He must do to prove His love for us. There was no fear of dying and death in Him. He would soon take upon Himself the sins of the world, literally becoming sin for us! God the Father cannot look upon sin. His character and nature forbid it. Now, for the first time in all of eternity, the Father would have to turn His back on the Son! Jesus would for the first, and the last, time be separated from the Father.
The reality of this was so distressing, so overwhelming that it caused blood to burst through the pores of His skin. Yet, He
*Jesus willingly went to the cross so that we might have the way to be reconciled to our heavenly Father.
His agony would pay for the joy of salvation. His pain would pay for the "peace that passes all understanding." Oh, how great is the Love of Jesus that He would be willing to suffer such fear and torment for you and me!
There may be those times when your prayers seem ignored when you feel God has abandoned you. You may cry out in great agony and pain over your circumstances wondering why He seems so far away. You may even feel that the burden of your life is too great to bear.
*Be assured you that you will never go through Gethsemane.
Jesus paid the price once and for all. He died in your place. He took your sin so that you could stand guiltless and unashamed before your Creator, the very Creator of the universe who you can now call your "Abba, Father" which means Daddy.
*"But you received the spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, ’Abba, Father.’ The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children." (Romans 8:15-16)
*Jesus promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5)
He has sent us the Comforter, the Holy Spirit (John 15:26) to watch over us, to be our counselor. He will teach and lead us in the way we should go and show us the Father’s nature and character.
Paul was totally convinced and absolutely certain that there is nothing in the universe, not even
*"death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) We now are "more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)
*The Spirit will transform you into His image and likeness.
When you feel abandoned or rejected as you pass through those dark moments of life, remember Gethsemane, remember what Jesus went through just for you. And remember that
*The sacrificial road of forgiveness has already been paved with the shed blood of Jesus.
