Sermon Title: The Problem of Proper Pronouns
Theme: Unity grows when we move from they/them to we/us and finally to I/me.
Primary Text: Ephesians 4:1–3
Introduction
A. This morning, I want to begin by talking about something that has been in the news quite a bit lately.
1. Pronouns.
2. If you’ve paid attention to the culture around us, you know this has become a major discussion in our society.
3. People feel very strongly about pronouns—how they’re used, how people are addressed, and what language people expect others to use.
B. Some people feel deeply hurt when they believe they have been misidentified. Others feel frustrated by what they see as changing expectations about language.
C. It seems like everywhere you turn lately, someone is arguing about pronouns.
1. And I imagine some of you may be wondering right now where exactly this sermon is about to go.
2. But before we get too far into that cultural conversation, I want to point out a different pronoun problem that sometimes shows up much closer to home.
D. Sometimes it shows up in churches.
E. You see, I’ve noticed that sometimes people get very frustrated with they/them.
1. Apparently they/them are the problem.
a. They/them are the ones stirring things up.
b. They/them are the ones talking too much.
c. They/them are the ones creating drama.
2. But here’s the strange part.
a. Most of the time they/them don’t even know there’s a problem.
b. Because the conversation about they/them usually isn’t happening with they/them.
3. It’s happening with we/us.
a. We/us get together in small circles.
b. We/us compare notes.
c. We/us share frustrations.
d. We/us talk about what they/them are doing wrong.
e. Before long, we/us have spent quite a bit of time discussing how much they/them complain.
4. Which is a little ironic…
a. Because in that moment the only people actually doing the complaining are we/us.
b. And somewhere along the way we conclude,
c. “Can you believe how much drama they/them create?”
5. Meanwhile they/them are going about their day completely unaware that a whole meeting has been held about them.
6. And the amazing thing is, sometimes they/them are blamed for things they/them didn’t even know were happening… until we/us finally tell them.
F. So maybe the biggest pronoun problem we face isn’t happening out in the culture.
1. Maybe the pronoun problem we need to think about today is happening a little closer to home.
2. Now before anyone starts wondering who I’m talking about this morning, let me say this clearly.
3. I’m talking about all of us.
a. Including the person holding the microphone.
b. Because the truth is every church struggles with this at some point.
c. And the goal this morning isn’t to point fingers.
G. The goal is to protect something precious. Unity.
Let’s open our Bibles.
I. Unity Requires Ownership (We/Us)
A. Ephesians 4:1–3 says: “I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
B. Notice what Paul does not say.
C. He does not say:
1. “Fix they/them.”
D. Instead he says:
1. Walk with humility.
2. Be gentle.
3. Be patient.
4. Bear with one another in love.
E. Then he says something important:
1. “Make every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit.”
2. Unity doesn’t happen automatically.
a. Unity requires effort.
b. And that effort begins with we/us.
F. The easiest thing to do when tension arises is to identify the problem as them.
1. But the gospel always calls us to begin with ourselves.
2. Unity grows when we stop asking, “What are they doing wrong?”
3. And begin asking, “What could I do better?”
II. Unity Requires Direct Conversations
A. Jesus gives us a very clear process for dealing with conflict.
B. Matthew 18:15 says: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”
C. Notice what Jesus did not say. He did not say:
1. Tell your friend.
2. Tell a small group.
3. Tell the parking lot after church.
4. Tell everyone except the person involved.
D. He said:
1. Go to the person.
E. Many church conflicts grow not because problems exist, but because problems are discussed everywhere except the place where they can actually be resolved.
1. A conversation can solve what ten complaints cannot.
2. And we should remember something else.
3. Gossip doesn’t only happen when someone speaks it.
4. It also happens when someone listens to it.
F. Every time someone begins talking about another person who isn’t present, we have a choice.
1. We can participate.
2. Or we can gently say, “Have you talked to them about that?”
G. Unity grows when God’s people choose courage over conversation.
III. Unity Requires Guarding Our Words
A. James reminds us how powerful words can be.
B. James says the tongue is small, but it is like a spark that can set an entire forest on fire.
1. One careless sentence can damage reputations.
2. One conversation can divide relationships.
3. One rumor can create tension where none existed before.
C. Our words matter.
D. Before speaking about someone, we should ask:
1. Is it true?
2. Is it necessary?
3. Is it loving?
4. Have I talked to the person first?
E. Because once words leave our mouths, they rarely stay where we intended.
F. There is an old story about a woman who went to her minister troubled about something she had said about another member of the church.
1. She said, “Preacher, I’m afraid I spoke too quickly. I shared something about someone, and now I’m not sure it was right.”
2. The minister listened and then said, “I want you to do something for me. Go home, take a feather pillow, cut it open, and shake the feathers out into the wind.”
a. She looked puzzled, but she agreed.
b. The next day she came back and said,
c. “I did what you asked.”
3. The minister then said, “Now I want you to go back and gather up every feather.”
a. She laughed and said, “That’s impossible. The wind has scattered them everywhere.”
b. The minister gently replied,
4. “Exactly. Once words leave our mouths, they scatter farther than we ever intended. And once they’re out there, they are almost impossible to gather back.”
G. James was right.
1. The tongue is a fire.
2. A spark can burn a forest.
3. A sentence can divide a church.
H. But the same tongue that can divide can also heal.
1. Ephesians 4:29 says: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up.”
CONCLUSION: Final Challenge (I/Me)
A. Maybe the real pronoun problem isn’t they/them.
B. Maybe unity begins when we/us take responsibility for our words.
C. But the truth is unity in the church rarely changes until something even more personal happens.
1. It changes when I/me begin to ask some honest questions.
2. Not: “Why are they doing that?”
3. But:
a. “Is there something I need to say?”
b. “Is there someone I need to talk to?”
c. “Is there grace I need to show?”
D. Because nothing damages the unity of a church faster than conversations about people who aren’t in the room.
E. And nothing strengthens the unity of a church faster than someone willing to say,
1. “Before I worry about they/them, I’m going to start with I/me.”
2. Unity in the church rarely begins with fixing them.
3. It usually begins when someone quietly decides to start with me.
F. “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.”
