Second only to our relationship with God, marriage is the single most important relationship that we will ever have. People enter into a marriage with great joy and wonderful expectations of spending the rest of their days with the love of their life. Vows are exchanged, commitments are made, and the journey of learning how to make two distinctly different individuals become one begins.
According to statistical evidence compiled by the Barna Research Group, on average, 25% of all marriages end in divorce. What is even more disturbing is that Christians are more likely to get divorced than non-Christians! Among professing born-again Christians, 27% are currently, or have previously been, divorced, compared to 24% among adults who are not born-again Christians. Yet a Harvard study revealed that couples who together read the Bible, pray, and attend church regularly have a divorce rate of 1 in 1287, less than 1/10 of 1%!
Rural areas tend to have fewer divorces compared with heavily populated cities and their surrounding suburbs. Divorce is much less likely in the Northeast than anywhere else in the U.S. Only 19 percent of the residents of the Northeast have been divorced, compared with 26 percent in the West and 27 percent in the South and Midwest.
Contrary to popular belief, the statistical evidence shows that, on average, second marriages actually last four years less than the first marriage. It has been said, and I think rightly so, that Marriage at its best is a struggle. In order for a marriage to continue and grow strong, it must flow in forgiveness.
During biblical times, it was customary for fathers to select wives for their sons. The betrothal, or engagement period, could last up to two years. On the wedding day, the bride would bathe and put on richly embroidered white robes. She would then cover her face with a veil, adorn her head with a garland of flowers, and wait for the groom to come to take her away to the wedding ceremony.
The groom, surrounded by his closest friends, would leave his home and begin his journey to pick up his bride. As they proceeded through town, the procession got bigger and bigger as people from each house they passed would join with them, until finally they would arrive at the home of the bride's parents. Once at her home, they would both proceed to the marriage supper, or wedding feast, which could be held at either the home of the groom’s father or of the groom.
This was a joyous procession, with the invited guests singing and dancing to the sound of musical instruments as they moved through the streets. Everyone gathered together for a huge banquet, the vows would be made, and the marriage consummated. Wedding festivities would sometimes continue for up to two weeks!
At the beginning of Jesus’ ministry, He attended a wedding in Cana in Galilee.
“Jesus' mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine.’ ‘Dear woman, why do you involve me?’ Jesus replied. ‘My time has not yet come.’ His mother said to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’ “Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, ‘Fill the jars with water,’ so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, ‘Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.’ “They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, ‘Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.’” (John 2:1-10)
Jesus chose to perform His first miracle at this wedding. By His transforming power, He caused water to acquire a new form. He showed Himself to be the God of nature by doing this. In the Old Testament, we see that at the beginning of Moses' miracles, there was the turning of water into blood (Exodus 4:9; 7:20). By turning water into wine as the first of His miracles, Jesus was showing the difference between the law of Moses and the law He was to preach—the law of love.
The curse of the law turns water into blood; the blessing of the Gospel turns water into new wine, which represents His spirit. Water represents our spirit. This wine was unfermented, pure, with no decay. Our marriages can maintain their purity and avoid decay as we open ourselves up to being filled with the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.
In the Old Testament, the word “marriage” is used to describe God's spiritual relationship with His chosen people, Israel (Psalm 45; Isaiah 54:6). When God's people fell into sin, especially idolatry, the sin was likened to adultery on the part of a wife (Jeremiah 3:1-20). In the New Testament, the analogy is continued: Christ is the Bridegroom (John 3:29), and the Church is His Bride (Ephesians 5:25-33).
The Apostle Paul counsels husbands and wives to imitate the spiritual closeness and love that Christ has for His Bride, the Church. Paul tells us that we must submit “to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
Paul continues on to say that in this same way, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:21-33).
We can see from the instructions to the Ephesians that Marriage must first begin with submission to one another. Submitting to one another in marriage means to esteem your spouse more highly than yourself.
It becomes easy for a wife to submit to her husband when she knows that he has only her best interest at the forefront of every action he takes, and every decision he makes.
The husband has been given the grave responsibility to love his wife as Jesus loves the Church! This is an impossible task apart from Him. Unless you completely commit your marriage into the hands of the Lord, it will be impossible to live as Paul describes.
It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. The true ideal is that both husband and wife should work at giving 100 percent in the marriage. However, the reality is that the demands of a marriage will never result in a perfectly equal sharing, but will instead, create constant changes. These changes will result in, rather than a 100/100 or a 50/50 relationship, more realistically, at times, an 80/20 or 30/70 or 65/35 sharing relationship.
One person will, at times, be required to meet a greater measure of demands due to such factors as job security, school, children, the health of the spouse, whether physical or mental, and so on. By keeping this in proper perspective, we will avert being overwhelmed by those temporary challenges that will always be a part of married life.
Marriage is first a commitment to God and then to each other and must be based upon that commitment rather than just upon the emotion of love. Love, as mankind expresses it, is like a chameleon: it changes according to its environment!
When I asked my wife to marry me, I understood that I was actually making a vow of commitment to God first and to my wife second. But in actuality, the secondary commitment to my wife is really the same as my primary commitment to God. Jesus taught that the greatest commandment of loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind is the same as loving another person (Matthew 22:39). So my commitment to my wife is based upon my commitment to God. The institution of marriage is a direct representation to the world of God’s marriage to each Christian as His Bride (Revelation 19:7).
My wife and I vowed to one another that we would never use the word “divorce” in any conversation we had with each other, no matter how heated the argument, nor how terrible the wrong committed. Above all else, we were steadfast in our commitment before God.
When you are unable to live in forgiveness with your spouse, you are telling the world that the sacrifice Jesus made by shedding His blood upon the Cross is not sufficient enough to restore broken lives and forgive sinful hearts.
When Christians get divorced, it broadcasts to the world that salvation is based upon works and not upon grace. This is why God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). And this is why Jesus states there are no real grounds for divorce. Look carefully at His response to a group of Pharisees that came one day to try and test Him on the subject of divorce.
They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" Jesus then asked them, "What did Moses command you?" They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.
“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of Creation God made them male and female, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined, let man not separate.” “Some time later, when all the disciples were gathered together back at the house where they were staying, they asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:2-12)
Jesus devastated their thinking with His straightforward answer. He forced them to confront the real reason for divorce, which was the hardness of their hearts caused by their selfish needs and wants. He made it clear that once a man and woman were married, God would no longer consider them two separate people but “one flesh.”
Jesus clearly states that if, for any reason, the husband divorces His wife or the wife divorces her husband, they are committing adultery. The only way they would not be committing adultery is if they had already committed it by being unfaithful. Jesus comments on this elsewhere in the book of Matthew by stating that “anyone who divorces his wife, causes her to become an adulteress” unless she had already become one by being unfaithful” (Matthew 5:31-32).
Moses only allowed a husband to divorce his wife. Never could a wife divorce her husband! The author of the book of Hebrews writes about the divorce laws of the Old Testament and tells us that “marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” He goes on to say, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Hebrew 13:4-6)
Isn’t it interesting that the writer of Hebrews, while discussing keeping a marriage pure, also warns us to live our lives free from the love of money? Money is one of the major troublemakers in a marriage, and the problems our desire for money can create are often cited as one of the major reasons a marriage ends. The writer then goes on to say that God will never leave us, nor forsake us. This was first said to Joshua (1 Kings 8:57), but it belongs to every Christian. Old Testament promises can be applied to New Testament saints.
In the Greek text of Hebrews 13:4-6, five negatives are run together. It actually reads “I will never, no, never, ever, leave you, nor ever forsake you.” Each Christian is given the absolute assurance that Jesus, the Groom, will never divorce you, His Bride. As the spiritual Bride of Christ, you shall have Jesus with you throughout this life, at death, and forevermore. This promise contains the sum and substance of all the promises of God.
Forgiving your spouse, however, does not mean that you must tolerate and accept abusive behavior, whether it is mental, emotional, physical, or marital infidelity. Those types of behaviors are absolutely unacceptable and should never be tolerated by anyone. Living with the attitude of forgiveness towards the abuser is mandatory; living with the abuser is not/
Forgiving another does not mean you must “turn the other cheek” and become their physical or emotional punching bag. It is altogether different when you are ridiculed and abused for your faith in Jesus than when you are in a personal relationship with one who is abusive.
Jesus desires to bless your spouse through you! He has sent you out as a member of His spiritual Body, to minister to and love those around you (i.e., your spouse!). YOU are supposed to allow His love to flow through you.
"The king will answer them, 'I can guarantee this truth: Whatever you did for one of my brothers or sisters, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:40)
Jesus loves your wife -- enough to die for her and desires to help her and bless her. God has sent you to minister to her and your family just as He ministers to His bride, the Church. To minister means to serve. God put you where you are to serve -- to be a blessing.
“So from now on, we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin b for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:16-21)
God has entrusted every Christian with the primary ministry of reconciliation, which includes being a blessing to your spouse by building up and encouraging them in any way you can. The word “ministry” in Greek is ‘diakonía’ and specifically refers to Spirit-empowered service guided by trusting-faith.
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)
God loves your spouse -- enough to die for them and desires to help and bless them. He has entrusted every Christian with the ministry of reconciliation and has sent you to minister to your spouse and your family just as He ministers to His bride, the Church.
God has trusted you with the main/primary ministry of being a blessing to your spouse by building up and encouraging her in any way you can. The word “ministry” in Greek is ‘diakonía’ specifically refers to Spirit-empowered service guided by trusting-faith
To be “considerate” (Gk” ‘timé’) means to honor, value, and esteem them in the highest degree above everything else.
The husband must ask Jesus to love his wife through him with the same self-sacrificing and sanctifying love that can only be satisfying because of Jesus.
“If I speak in the tongues a of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)
These verses define the character and nature of Jesus, who is love incarnate, which clearly illuminates the reality that a human being can't love like that on their own, in and of themselves. By simply replacing the words "charity” or “love" with the name of Jesus, a complete understanding emerges of who Jesus is and how He loves.
Jesus suffers long,
Jesus is kind,
Jesus envies not,
Jesus doesn’t boast of Himself,
Jesus is not puffed up,
Jesus does not behave unseemly,
Jesus seeks not His own,
Jesus is not easily provoked,
Jesus thinks no evil,
Jesus rejoices not in iniquity,
Jesus rejoices in the truth,
Jesus bears all things,
Jesus believes all things,
Jesus hopes all things,
Jesus endures all things.
Jesus never fails.
The word 'love' used is the Greek word 'agapeo’, which refers to the mystery of God's divine love for us. It is IMPOSSIBLE for a human being to love as God loves on their own. The only one who can love like God is Jesus because He is 100% fully God, and always has been, and always will be the Creator of all things.
It becomes very easy for a husband to love their wife as Jesus loves the Church when He is doing the loving through them. This love requires daily dying to self, which can only be done by the Holy Spirit crucifying the flesh of those who willingly carry their cross daily in repentant humility and submissive surrender to God and long for no one else, or anything else, but Jesus alone.
God placed within the husband the capability, desire, and responsibility to be this kind of husband when He came to eternally dwell within him at the very moment they were Born-Again. Love and marriage are ALL about Jesus, who is working within and giving the husband "the desire and the power to do what pleases him" (Philippians 2:13), which includes loving his wife.
Every husband is in the ministry of marriage, where they practice those things, the Bible teaches. Your wife is your closest ‘neighbor’ and every person on the planet is commanded to first, love God, and second, which is the same thing, to love your neighbor as yourself. Your wife is to be your primary focus in life. You are a missionary to your family above all else.
You are not just a husband. You don’t just go to work to pay bills and have a roof over your head, clothing for your family, and food in the refrigerator. You are to wash your wife with the water of the Word so that she will become clean and new and refreshed and cherished. You are to keep your word to her, protect her, and lay yourself and ALL your hobbies and job down for her, esteeming her more highly than yourself.
When you do that, you show others the way of the Cross and how God loves them by being a living example of God's love. Marriage is the symbol of the eternal mystery: Jesus and the Church. Your wife represents the Church; you represent Jesus to the world, and your relationship with your wife represents His relationship with the Church, His universal Bride.
That doesn’t change even if your wife is not a Christian. EVERYTHING that you do for the Lord that takes place outside of your home doesn't matter because it is just a job. How you minister to your wife and children, and how you care for your home, matters to God.
It is very easy for a wife to “love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:4-5).
For any marriage to succeed, partners must respond with forgiveness from the very heart of Jesus. Whether it is marital unfaithfulness, mistreatment, or any other reason, forgiveness must reign.
One day soon, “in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye” we will hear the joyous music of the great and final wedding march!—at “the last trumpet’s sound,” (1 Corinthians 15:52), and we will join the great procession of Christians together as the Bride prepares to meet at last Her Groom face to face!
“For blessed art those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb.” (Revelation 19:19)
“Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.” (Revelation 19:7)
“He who testifies to these things says, ‘Yes, I am coming soon.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.” (Revelation 22:20)
Jesus has sent us out as members of His spiritual Body to minister to and love those around us. We are supposed to allow His love to flow through us.
Your ministry IS your wife and family. Everything else is just work.
