A Christian Marriage
I read an interesting article saying the younger generation is looking more positively at marriage than those even a decade ago. That is good, and it reminded me that two-thirds of you are married and at least some of the rest of you have thoughts about marriage so I believe there is a need to revisit what God has ordained. First, listen to what Jesus said about marriage.
Matthew 19:3-6, “Some Pharisees came to him, and to test him they asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?’ He answered, ‘Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning “made them male and female,”’ and said, ‘for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? Therefore, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
The Pharisees were trying to separate the sexual union from the other responsibilities that are parts of married life. Jesus reminded the Pharisees that God made marriage spiritually binding. His words proclaim that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism, “one flesh”. Just as a lock and key are one mechanism; just as a violin and a bow are one instrument; just as a book and its cover are one, so too are a husband and wife. Think about it.
God Almighty, the creator of humanity, declared that two halves, the male and the female, He made to be joined together, not simply at a sexual level, but totally combined in all aspects of their life. “One flesh” vividly expresses a view of marriage as something much deeper than a social convention. Becoming “one flesh” is a process of things not alike coming together as part of God’s great work in marriage; the work of sanctifying. The physical union (the sexual), and all of the other kinds of union that God intended to go with it, make up a total union. Marriage represents the entire man and the entire woman in a unity of soul, of body, of mind, of emotion, of interest, and of purpose.
The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong with sexual pleasure, any more than with the pleasure of eating delicious food. It means that we must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than we ought to separate food from good tastes, sleep from sound rests, and smell from pleasant odors. Consequently, God expects man and woman to honor what He has joined and to keep the marriage together. Christianity teaches that marriage is for life.
It is interesting and informative to look at the marriage process as was practiced by the Jews in the time of Christ for a number of Jesus parables involve marriage, its process and rituals. Jewish marriages went through several stages, each with its own significance and rituals. The first step, when a young man wished to wed a young woman, he would first speak to his parents. The parents would arrange a social visit with the brides’ parents. Upon entering the home of the brides’ parents, the parents would engage in light conversation, and at the right moment, the groom would reveal the purpose of the visit. He would propose a bride price for the woman he wished to marry. The fathers would then negotiate and ultimately agreed upon by a price. The brides’ father saw this as compensation for the years of care and resources invested in raising his daughter. Typically, the father would negotiate for the highest amount he believed the groom could manage. Once both sides reached a satisfactory agreement, the groom and his future bride began their betrothal when the groom would address the bride with the words, “I am now going to prepare a place for you.” They then shared a cup of wine symbolically solidifying the beginning of their marital covenant.
Next was a waiting period. The groom would return home and commence the construction of a bridal chamber intended for their honeymoon. This could involve either the creation of a modest dwelling apart from his father’s home or the renovation of a room within the family house. During this time, the couple lived separately. The betrothal was legally binding requiring a formal divorce should the two wish to dissolve their betrothal.
The bridal chamber needed to be stunning and could take as long as a year to complete. Periodically, the groom’s father would take time look it over and make suggestions for he was responsible to determine when the chamber was satisfactory. Once the groom had provided a home, he had to fill it with enough supplies to last a week as that was the duration of the honeymoon.
While the groom was doing his work, the bride was busy with hers. When she left home to go to the market or to draw water, she would always wear a veil to indicate to others that she was “set apart” or “consecrated”, or “bought with a price”. With help from her mother, sisters, and friends, she would prepare her clothing, linens, and everything she would need when the groom came to get her. As the time came near for the groom to come, the bride would gather her sisters and bridesmaids and sit together in her father’s house. The bride's belongings would be packed, ready to travel with an oil lamp filled hoping this would be night of the groom would come. Here they would wait for the groom.
Back at the bridal chamber, the groom would be finishing his work and checking with his father hoping it was good enough to go get his bride. When neighbors would walk by and ask, “When’s the big night?” the groom would answer, “Only my father knows that”. Finally, the day would come when the bridal chamber would meet the father’s expectations and he would approve it. The groom then would gather some of his friends to go with him to get the bride. His goal was to surprise his bride as if he was stealing her away.
Meanwhile, the bride would be watching and waiting with her veil, wedding dress, and oil-filled lamp with wick trimmed, all prepared. So as the party of young men got close enough to her house one of the men would shout. When the bride and bridesmaids heard the shout, they knew the groom would be coming through the door to sweep her off her feet. She quickly had to put on her veil, her honeymoon clothes and grab her lamp. Her attendants had to be ready too. They had their lamps, wicks trimmed, oil-filled for the dark walk from the brides’ house to their new home.
Upon reaching the house, the groom would charge through the door, pick up the bride, and carry her away. The bride’s father and the rest of the family, although excited, would look the other way as if nothing had happened. The groom’s friends and the bridesmaids would follow behind the bride and groom.
As the wedding party traveled through the village people would hear them shouting, see the lamps and know it was a wedding. However, they would not know who the bride was because she would be wearing the veil over her face.
When the bride and groom had reached their new home, the groom would carry the bride into the bridal chamber and close the door. The wedding party would wait outside. They could not celebrate until the consummation of the marriage and the two were considered legally married. That was the Jewish law. The friend of the groom, or the best man, would wait just outside the door and listen for the groom to tell him the two had consummated their marriage, the friend would tell the rest of the wedding party. This was the new couple wedding night; no one dared visit that night and for seven days more. However, the celebration outside would begin and last the rest of the week.
Then, the couple would come out of the chamber, and everyone would join in a large marriage feast at her father’s home. Today we would call it a wedding reception. After that, the bride and groom would walk the same way they had gone to their new home. The bride would have the veil removed at that time and everyone would recognize the bride and groom husband and wife.
These stages reflect the deep spiritual truths that Jesus used in His teachings and ministry. Understanding the Jewish wedding system provides valuable insight into the New Testament, where marriage and wedding- imagery symbolized the relationship between Christ and His Church.
For example, in Matthew 25:1-6, Jesus referred to the wedding stages in the marriage process. “Then the kingdom of heaven will be like this. Ten young women took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. When the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, all of them became drowsy and slept. But at midnight, there was a shout, ‘Look! Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’” Matthew 25:8-12, “The foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise replied, ‘No! There will not be enough for you and for us; you had better go to the dealers and buy some for yourselves.’ And while they went to buy it, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went with him into the wedding and the door was shut. Later the other young women came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I do not know you.’” In this parable, Jesus teaches us the importance of being prepared, vigilant, and faithful while waiting for His return.
When the groom left to go home and build a bridal chamber, he would tell his bride, “I’m going to prepare a place for you”. In John 14:1-3, Jesus said, “Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.”
In John 3:28-29, John the Baptist speaks, “You yourselves are my witnesses that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah, but I have been sent ahead of him.’ He who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom who stands and hears him rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. For this reason, my joy has been fulfilled.”
Jesus relates His return as a marriage between Him, the Groom, and the Church, His Bride. We are “brought with a price” and “only the Father knows” when Christ will return. Revelation 19:7-8, “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honor to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.” Then Jesus will come for His Church. He will set up His Kingdom. Then we will live with Him here on earth for 1000 years and finally, God purges the earth of sin by fire. There will be a new Heaven and New Earth, and we will live with Jesus for eternity.
It is clear that Jesus saw marriage as very special, wonderful. As for the Jewish marriages at the time of Jesus, the elders were involved. The groom had to have enough money to pay a brides’ price and a place to live. There was time involved, time to think things over. Modern marriages have few rituals.
The modern marriage, the promise made when persons marry because they are in love, has a vow to be true to their beloved as long as they live, ‘until death do us part’. This commits a person to be true even if they cease to be in love. There are several sound reasons, social reasons, to stay married when the hot passionate love of marriage flickers. Perhaps the most powerful is to provide a home for the couples’ children. A second reason is to protect the woman from her husband dropping her whenever he is tired of her. She has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married. A third reason is that life is safer in marriage, having a partner, than being alone against the world: being single is not all that great.
If we are married and in that glorious state of being in love, there are more good reason to want to remain in love. It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of our beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates animal sexuality in the sense that love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his or her senses would deny that being in love is far better than being single, over indulgence or cold self-centeredness. Being in love is a good thing, but not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life for while that is a noble feeling, it is still only a feeling. No feeling, no emotion, can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. Being in love does not naturally last. There must be more to a successful Christian marriage than being in love: I call this true love. It is a quieter more lasting kind of love.
A part of true love is self-love. Aristotle believed that self-love was a prerequisite to loving others. Healthy self-love is beneficial to every aspect of life including lasting relationships and marriages. Individuals who love themselves are usually more capable of both giving and receiving all kinds of love in a marriage. Many destructive behaviors in a relationship can often be rooted in a lack of self-love. However, the wrong kind of self-love can quickly turn to an unhealthy form: narcissism. It is happens when a person loves himself or herself more than anyone else does. This unhealthy self-love is often expressed through an inflated ego, and is usually dependent on social status, abilities, or accomplishments rather than genuine virtues. In healthy self-love, self-esteem is not dependent on status or competition with others. Instead, it is self-forgiveness and acceptance of self.
Jesus was love. He showed us true love, the selfless form of love that does not require anything in return. This kind of love produces wonderful marriages and productive lives. This selflessness often result in immense benefits to the one engaged in it – not just in terms of people returning the love or rewards, but benefits for the mental and emotional well-being of the selfless. True love increases. The higher levels of healthy true love usually result in an increased ability to feel and show one’s spouse love – it is a cycle!
Jesus pointed to the ultimate type of love with His love for the Church. Jesus pointed to the ultimate type of love with His love of us sinners. This kind of love says that I love you because I choose to love you. It says that I choose to love you regardless of the costs to me. It says even though you are sometimes trouble, I choose to love you and do for you. To nurture and cultivate this leads to happier and healthier connections and a more fulfilling marriage and life.
God’s love for His children is unconditional. We find in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” Unconditional love does not come from good intentions; it is the by-product of salvation and spiritual fullness. Paul dedicated an entire chapter to Christian love, 1 Corinthians chapter 13.
Thankfully, there are many ways that you can nurture and cultivate love all leading to happier and healthier connections and a more fulfilling marriage and life.
