Today, we get to continue our Ephesians study by reading about what Paul has to say to one additional pairing in the typical Roman household. Paul addresses children, and parents.
The last two weeks, we focused on husbands and wives. We saw that when Paul addressed husbands and wives, he did so by addressing the weaker, less important member of a marriage according to normal Roman standards. He started with the wife, and then moved on to the husband. Paul actually had a lot more to say to husbands than wives, but he started with the wife. And this pattern, of starting with the weaker, less important Roman member of the household, continues this week. When you look at the translation, you'll see children are addressed in verse 1, and then parents in verse 4. Next week, we'll see that slaves are addressed in verse 5, and then masters in verse 9. Other famous philosophers like Aristotle also had their own version of these household rules, and they took a very different approach. They only address the men. So we should understand that Paul lists the members often thought of as weak and insignificant first, in order to give them a higher status. Wives, and children, and slaves, matter to God. They're able to make good decisions that please God, and how they live matters to God. Everyone around them may look down on them, and think they are lesser humans, or not worth much, but God sees them differently. God doesn't show the same type of partiality toward certain groups of people that we do (Mark 10:13-16). So when Paul addresses children first, it might seem like a little thing, but it means something. God values children, who tend to model better than anyone what it means to have faith in their Heavenly Father. My wife has a three old girl who she does daycare for, and this girl loves God. When she prays at mealtime, she wants to pray three times, talking to God. It's impossible not to smile, when you hear her talking to God. But even while you're smiling, take very seriously that God loves her. God loves her prayers. God takes her and her prayers seriously. Children matter to God.
So Paul turns from addressing husbands in chapter 5, to addressing children in Ephesians 6:1-3. Let's start with just the first line of verse 1:
(1) Children/kids, obey your parents in the Lord.
Let's start by asking, "Who does Paul refer to by the Greek word here for "children?" There's a general consensus here that there's an age-range here in mind. The edges are blurry, but when a child is old enough to hear Paul's words, and understand them, and do to them, they're old enough to be called "children." They've moved from being "babies," to "children." At the other end of the age range, as long as the child is under his/her parents' roof, they are probably still supposed to hear this command as addressed to them. So call it, age 2 or 3?, to young adults. Somewhere in there. This isn't the kind of thing I have any interest in debating, even though as a dad with young adults, I'm very aware of how relationships start to shift at a certain point. I parent a 19 year old differently than an 11 year old, and 19 year olds relate to me differently than an 11 year old.
At any rate, young people, do you all have a pretty good sense of whether or not you fit into this category? You know if Paul is talking to you, right? If this is you, Paul commands you to obey your parents. That's the first thing he says to you. Obey.
Now, probably, you sometimes feel as though your parents are constantly telling you what to do. To paraphrase/slightly misuse Ecclesiastes, your parents think there is a time to eat, and a time to be done eating. A time to do homework and chores, and a time to play. There's a time to get off your phone, and go outside and get some sunshine and fresh air. There's a time to get a job, a time to research what's a good job for when you leave the house, and what schooling or training you need to accomplish that. There's a time to go to bed, and a time to wake up. There's a time to practice piano, and a time to be done. If you goofed off while you practiced piano, there's a time to spend more time on the piano. Your parents also tell you, there's a time to apologize, and a time to forgive. There's a time to get serious about following Jesus. For some things, that time is always right now.
Now, we all know that some parents are more demanding, with higher expectations, than others. Kids, you can compare your parents, with your friends' parents, and see that in some ways, you get off easy, or that you have it hard. With some parents, it seems like it's always time for working, and studying, and chores, and practicing instruments. I had a friend in high school who had to vacuum his whole basement every day, and his mom checked that he had done so, every single day.
So some of you have tougher parents than others, with higher expectations than others. But whether or not your parents are actually demanding (objectively speaking), it for sure sometimes feels like what your parents tell you to do is sometimes excessive, and unreasonable. At any given moment, that thing your parents tell you to do is almost certainly not the thing you actually want to be doing. Obeying isn't necessarily easy, or the thing you want to do. Your parents sometimes seem overly demanding, and not very sympathetic to your own needs and desires. On top of that, your parents don't always take the time to explain why they command you to do certain things. Why does math homework have to be done as soon as you get home from school? Why does a basement have to be vacuumed every day? Maybe, your parent at some point will tell you, "If you don't vacuum literally every day, dust mites will start spreading like crazy, and I'm doing this to help your allergies." But maybe your parents don't.
Paul says, when your parents tell you what to do, obey. If we bring in the way Paul started all of this, Paul would then say, "Be filled with the Holy Spirit, putting yourself under your parents, by obeying them." This is what God wants from you, and God will help you do this.
Is everyone with me? Young people, you're with me?
It's at this point that we can add three words. Children, obey your parents "in the Lord." This phrase, "in the Lord," is kind of confusing the longer you think about it. But probably what Paul means, is that part of being "in the Lord"-- part of being a Christian-- is obeying your parents (*William Larkin, Ephesians, Baylor Handbook on the Greek New Testament).
So kids, there are parts of your life that you might think Jesus doesn't much care what you do. Does Jesus care if you go to bed at 8:30 or 9? Does Jesus care if you pack fresh carrots for your school lunch? Does Jesus care if you get your math homework done as soon as you get home from school? Or is Jesus pretty chill about it, as long as you get it done before school the next day?
Probably, Jesus cares about things like forgiving each other, and being careful how you use your eyes and your hands. But does Jesus care about carrots?
Jesus cares, if your mom said, "Make sure you put carrots in your lunch, and eat them at lunch." Part of following Jesus, and being Jesus' disciple, is obeying your parents.
Paul then goes on to give you some motivation, to help you choose to obey:
(1) Children/kids, obey your parents in the Lord.
For this is right(eous).
Paul could've given many different reasons for why you should obey your parents. When you obey your parents, you make the good news about Jesus look attractive. People see obedient kids, and a well-run house, and they find themselves thinking that Jesus is worth looking into. Paul could also have talked about how your parents are doing their very best to shape you into hard-working, healthy, productive, successful adults. Carrots are in fact good for you. But the reason Paul gives, is this: "For this is righteous."
We see here another example of how the "righteousness" family of words are often relationship words, rather than legal ones. When you act rightly toward people, given the nature of your relationship to them, you have acted righteously. So when a boss pays his employees on payday, he's acting righteously. When a customer buys a name brand product off ebay, and the seller gives him the genuine product, and not some Chinese knock-off, the seller is acting righteously. All of life is a series of relationships. Young people, you are your parents' children. You are siblings, and students, and employees, and neighbors, and customers. Whenever you act rightly toward the person right in front of you, who you have some type of relationship with, you are acting righteously. And righteousness, is what God desires from his people. We walk worthily of our calling, by acting rightly toward God and people. The way you act rightly toward your parents, is by obeying them.
Paul then continues, verse 2-3, with a second command:
(2) Honor your father and mother,
which is the first commandment with a promise,
(3) in order that well with you it may be, ["well" is focused]
and you may be long-lived on the earth,
These are great verses, and there's lots here to talk about. So children are called to obey, and then to honor, their parents. And honoring your parents isn't something that changes when you stop living under your parents' roof. I'm supposed to hear verses 2-3 as addressed to me. All of you who have parents, these are your verses. Honor your father and mother.
Now, what does it mean to honor? I think there's three main areas, where we honor our parents. And I think, although I don't have a specific verse to back this up, that we extend this to our in-laws as well, for those of us who are married. My wife's parents are in some sense my parents as well, since my wife and I are one body:
(1) We honor our parents by treating them with respect. We're careful how we talk to them, even when we are upset, or disagree with them. We're respectful in the midst of disagreement. Those of you who are farmers have probably really had to wrestle with this, with your dads. You have different ideas about how to be a good farmer, and how to make money as a farmer, than your dad. And at some point, when you took over the family farm, you had to deal with all of this. Do you disagree with your dad about whether it's too early to plant? What happens when you plant early, against your dad's advice, and you end up getting frosted? Do you disagree about which herbicides to use, and what crops to plant? Maybe you and your dad work together in perfect harmony. Maybe, you and your dad are both naturally stubborn, and opinionated. However things work out in your own family, treat your dad with respect.
(2) We honor our parents, by the way we talk about them to other people. We aren't just careful how we talk to them, but also with the way we talk about them to others. We don't gossip about them, or criticize them. Our parents are not perfect people, but part of how we honor them, is by protecting their reputation.
(3) We honor our parents, by making sure they have what they need in old age. Some of your parents have lots of money. Some of your parents don't. One family friend I know quietly gives her dad $1,000 every month to help him pay the bills. She's been doing that for years. My wife and I are probably just about the only ones on this planet who know she quietly does that. For other parents, the issue isn't money. It's smaller things, like helping them get meals ready, or cleaning their place, or making sure their bills get paid. It's buying their groceries for them, or helping them get in and out of the shower safely. It's helping them host a tea party for their friends. The difference between your parents being able to keep living independently, and them having to move to assisted living, often comes down to like a dozen things. If they want to live in the same house they've lived in for 50 years, you honor them by doing those dozen things, week after week.
God promises, if you honor your parents-- and I really think we should put in-laws in here as well-- that He will bless you in two ways. First, things will be "well" with you. Basically, you'll have a good life. God will make sure that things work out "well" for you. And second, you'll have a long life.
Even after the Fall, and sin has entered into this world, life on earth can still be a very good thing. It's okay to enjoy living here, as you each obey the original creation mandate in some way, to rule over creation. You have fruit trees, or gardens, that you enjoy. You have kids, and grandkids, that you enjoy watching grow up. You don't need to look forward to dying, and going to be with Jesus. If Jesus comes back, great. But I'm in no hurry to be buried. A good life is good. A long life is good.
So do you want a good life, and a long life on this earth? Do you want to live longer than you otherwise would? You should. And if you do, honor your parents.
So that's what Paul has to say to children, about how to treat their parents. Children, obey your parents while you're under their roof. Honor your parents, so long as you live, and so long as they live. Paul then turns to address parents in verse 4.
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Some translations have "fathers" instead of "parents," but there are reasons to think that both parents are in mind.
(1) The Greek word can mean either "fathers," or "parents." BDAG:
? male and female together as parents ?? pat??e? parents (Pla., Leg. 6, 772b; Dionys. Hal. 2, 26; Diod S 21, 17, 2; X. Eph. 1, 11; 3, 3; Kaibel 227) Hb 11:23.—Eph 6:4; Col 3:21 (Apollon. Rhod. 4, 1089 of parents who are inclined to become ???? d?s????? toward their children).
Liddell-Scott:
2. parents, D.S.21.17, Alciphr.3.40, Epigr.Gr.227 (Teos).
Moses' mom and dad together are called his "pateres," same word, in Hebrews 11:23.
(2) If only fathers are in mind, then moms are completely dismissed and missing from Paul's household rules. Why would Paul do that? Are moms incapable of making their children angry? Do moms instinctively, always, raise their children up the right way, and only fathers need instruction on how to be good parents? Why is everyone else included from the Roman household, except the moms?
My guess is that this verse is where some of our language about fathers being the spiritual head of the household come from, and it's almost certainly based on an overly formal (wooden) translation of the key word, with no awareness of verses like Deuteronomy 21:18-21; Proverbs 1:8; Proverbs 6:20; Proverbs 23:22 (note the parallelism); Proverbs 30:17. Very clearly, God expects both parents to accept their responsibility to give instruction and advice in all areas of life (including spiritual).
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(4) And parents, don't make your children angry,
but raise them up in the teaching (Acts 7:22; 2 Timothy 3:16)
and admonition/cautioning of the Lord (Acts 20:31; 1 Cor. 4:14; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Thess. 3:15).
In verse 4, Paul says, "don't do this one thing, but do these two things instead." Do you see that? What Paul is doing here, is creating a contrast between two ways of parenting. The first part of what he says, isn't as important as the second half. But the first half shapes the way you hear the second half. The fancy name for this is a point-counterpoint set (and this is how point-counterpoint sets work with "but" statements; cf. Steven Runge, Discourse Analysis of the Greek New Testament).
So the first thing Paul wants you hear, is "don't make your children angry."
As parents, who are in positions of authority and power over your children, it's easy to use that authority and power in harmful ways. You can be unreasonable and short-tempered. You can criticize your kids in a really sharp way, and make those criticisms very personal. You can tease your children about things they don't want to be teased about. You can say incredibly hurtful things that they might carry with them forever-- that they're fat, or stupid. That they'll never accomplish anything. That you've give up on them. That they're hopeless. When your kids do something stupid, do you call them stupid? They're not stupid; they just did a stupid thing, as we all do.
It's really easy to parent in a way that's selfish, and hurtful. It's easy to parent in ways that scar your kids, pretty badly. That one stupid thing you said, will be the thing they remember for 50 years, even if they forgive you. And when you parent in any of these ways, the end result tends to be anger. God says, you're not supposed to make your kids angry. If they become angry, you're parenting wrong.
At the same time, God still expects you to raise them up in a particular way, teaching them, and warning them. So somehow, you're supposed to steer your kids in a good direction, but in a way that doesn't make them angry.
Do you see how Paul is threading a needle here? Don't make them angry, but steer them down the right path in life.
How can we who are parents, accomplish this? With some kids, it's easy, and you kind of pat yourself on the back as being the world's greatest parents. For several years, my wife and I were in fact the world's greatest parents. We quietly wondered why other parents struggled so much, with something so easy. But then you have other kids, or other types of kids, and you get humbled. Or, your easy kids get older, and you get humbled. At a certain point, every parent wants to bang their head against the wall.
How can you steer your kids in a good direction, in a way that doesn't make them angry? What's the secret sauce?
Paul doesn't tell us. Right? Here's a partial list, of my own best guess (and Clinton Arnold was helpful here). And some of you will no doubt be able to add to this list (and feel free to help fill this out):
(1) Parents need to parent from a starting point of love, and care. Kids need to know that they are loved, and appreciated, and cared for.
(2) Parents need to recognize that kids aren't born knowing everything. They need advice-- they need your wisdom-- to avoid many of the stupid decisions we made when we were younger. James 1:3 talks about how if you lack wisdom, you should ask God, your Father in heaven, who gives generously to all without rebuke. I think how God responds to our requests for wisdom, needs to be a model to parents. Kids need to know they can seek advice from you, without you making them feel stupid, without you criticizing them. Create an environment where kids know you're a safe person to talk to, and you've created an environment where you don't make them mad very easily.
(3) Parents need to realize when teasing isn't funny, and when it's time to stop cracking jokes. If your kid doesn't want to be teased about someone having a crush on them, or them having a crush on someone, don't tease them. There's a time to gently tease, or almost tease, and a time to be done. And some kids may handle teasing a lot better than others. We are not all the same. Recognize that, and respect when it's time to be done. And we can add sarcasm to this, as well. Don't expect your kids to handle mean, sarcastic comments very well. Best to avoid those, altogether.
(4) Parents need to know when to back off, and avoid making unrealistic demands on their kids' time and energy. Things have to get done, and kids shouldn't get to hang out on their phones all day. But just like adults can only handle working so many hours a week, so too with kids. Even youth grow tired, and stumble (Isaiah 40:30).
(5) Parents need to explain themselves, at least at times. Why is it a bad idea for your daughter to date a non-Christian, or a Christian who has very different theology and practices? Why is it a bad idea to go to a party with alcohol, or one without parents home? Why is bedtime 9 PM? Why can't your kids watch certain TV shows or movies?
One of my clearest memories as a kid, was wanting to watch Simpsons after school. My mom was pretty sure it was a bad show, and inappropriate for kids, but we begged her, and we told her it was funny, and it was ok. So she said she'd sit down and watch an episode with us, and give it a fair chance. In that particular episode, Marge, the wife, was at risk of being seduced by someone who wasn't Homer-- who wasn't her husband. She could very easily have left her husband for another man.
I'm not even sure if my mom had to say anything at the end of the episode, or if we even made it all the way through. It was very obvious that Simpsons was a very different type of TV show than G.I. Joe. When you watch something sketchy with your mom, it does in fact seem sketchy. You hear every bit of innuendo, every swear word, every off-color joke. In my own childhood, that episode marked the end of Simpsons being watched under my parents' roof.
All of that to say, kids appreciate when parents explain why the household works a certain way. Tell your kids, "Certain movies and TV shows expose to you things that it's better to not be exposed to, and even make you want to do certain things. When you're older, you can make your own choices about what's appropriate to watch, but right now we're doing this to protect you, and help you live clean and holy lives." As parents, you'll never explain everything in perfect detail, especially in the moment, but when you give them explanations, that helps them understand that you are acting out of a place of love and concern for them. And if you realize, 30 seconds after telling your kid "no" about something, that you didn't explain something very well, it's not too late to go talk to them about it, and say, "I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself very well; this is why I said "no."
(6) Parents need to know when to apologize. When you fail with your kids in some way, and you're short-tempered, or sarcastic, or tease too long, or whatever, apologize. Tell them you're sorry. Apologizing is one of the best things you can do, to help your children not be angry. And when you fail them, even apart from that, you owe them an apology anyway.
At this point, let's reread verse 4:
(4) And parents, don't make your children angry,
but raise them up in the teaching (Acts 7:22; 2 Timothy 3:16)
and admonition/cautioning of/from the Lord (on "admonition," see Acts 20:31; 1 Corinthians 4:14; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; 2 Thessalonians 3:15).
Do you see the last three words in verse 4, "of the Lord"? It's a messy translation. Part of your raising your kids up, is raising them in the teaching and warning "of the Lord."
The Greek here is open to being understood a couple different ways, but I think Paul is saying, "Raise your kids using what Jesus taught his disciples. The teaching and admonition of the Lord, is the teaching that Jesus left for us in the gospels. So like, in the gospel according to Matthew, there are five main chunks of teaching that Matthew has grouped together. There's Matthew 5-7, which is often called "The Sermon on the Mount." There's Matthew 10, where Jesus sends out his disciples to tell people about God's kingdom. There's Matthew 13, with Jesus teaching parables. There's Jesus' teaching about the church, or "life inside God's kingdom on earth," in Matthew 18. And there's Jesus' teaching about how to live in times of persecution, and what the end will be like, in Matthew 24-25. Those five teaching chunks are a great starting point for family devotions, and something that you should find yourself coming back to again and again as you raise up your kids. Are your kids anxious, and worried about life? Do you your kids know how to pray? Why do your kids really have no choice, but to forgive each other? Jesus has answers for all of those things, and part of your raising your kids up, is pointing them to Jesus' teachings on all this. It's not just you wanting your kids to act a certain way. You're steering them down the path that all of Jesus' disciples take. And when you kids know this, that too will help them to not be angry with you, when you tell them hard things about holiness, and forgiveness.
One last thing I should talk about a little bit, is the second word in verse 4. Some translations have "fathers" here. Others have "parents." There's no debate about what the Greek word is here. The debate is about how to translate it. So at the bottom of the translation, you'll see I wrote about that a little. I'm convinced that Paul is addressing both parents. As a married couple, husbands and wives, you have a shared responsibility to work together, to raise your children up in the teaching and warning of the Lord. In a first century Roman context, husbands didn't always feel much of this responsibility, and that sometimes happens today as well. Dads aren't very involved; they stick too much of this on the parent that tends to be home more. Dads, when you're at work, you're at work. That's fine. But when you're home, you're a dad, so be a dad. Take on this shared responsibility.
And wives, you've maybe heard at one point or another that the husband is the spiritual head of the house, and maybe you're happy to let him take lead on raising your children up in the teaching of the Lord. But this isn't just his job. As in the book of Proverbs, parents work together to teach their kids how to live in way that honors and respects and pleases God. Life is busy, and crazy. But make the time to point your kids down the right path, and to talk about that path. Part of raising your children up to be successful, prosperous, hard-working adults, is teaching them about spiritual things.
Translation
(1) Children, obey your parents in the Lord.
For this is right(eous).
(2) Honor your father and mother,
which is the first commandment with a promise,
(3) in order that well with you it may be, ["well" is focused]
and you may be long-lived on the earth,
(4) And parents, don't make your children angry,
but raise them with discipline
and in the instruction of/from the Lord.
