Title: Offended and Unforgiving — Nursing Grudges in Jesus’ Name - How unforgiveness poisons the soul—and the church
Text: Matthew 6:14-15 “ For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
“When you become offended, you take an idol from its shelf, put it on the throne of your heart, then you kneel before it and adore it.”
— Paul David Tripp
Introduction: Offense is a subtle wound—one that festers when left unattended. In its earliest form, it can feel righteous: “I’m standing up for truth,” or “I refuse to be treated this way.” Yet when offense hardens into a grudge, it becomes a prison for the heart, cutting us off from grace, peace, and genuine community.
HOW DO WE NURSE A GRUDGE IN JESUS NAME?
That’s a powerful and convicting question—and it almost answers itself. The truth is, we can’t. Nursing a grudge and following Jesus simply don’t fit together.
Jesus taught:
• “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).
• “Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37).
• When Peter asked how many times he had to forgive, Jesus said, “Seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22)—not to set a number, but to show forgiveness has no limit.
A grudge is like keeping a wound open so it never heals. We revisit the pain, replay the offense, and in doing so, let bitterness take root. But carrying that weight only hurts us more than the one we resent. As Corrie ten Boom once said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find that the prisoner was me.”
To try to “nurse a grudge in Jesus’ name” is to misuse His name, because His very nature is forgiveness, mercy, and grace. To cling to resentment is to deny the cross, where our own endless debt was forgiven.
The Backpack of Rocks
A pastor once gave each member of his congregation a small stone and a backpack. He told them to put the stone inside and carry the backpack around for the entire service. At first it seemed light, almost unnoticeable. But as time went on, the weight grew uncomfortable. Then he asked, “What if you carried this everywhere you go, adding a stone each time someone hurt you or offended you? How heavy would it become?”
He paused and added: “That’s exactly what happens when we hold on to offenses. We carry them like stones in a backpack, and eventually the weight crushes us. Forgiveness is not pretending the offense never happened—it’s choosing to empty the backpack and walk free.”
I. The Poison of Unforgiveness
Jesus warned His disciples: “If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
— Matthew 6:15 (ESV)
Unforgiveness isn’t merely a refusal to reconcile; it’s a refusal to receive God’s mercy. As we nurse bitterness, we become enslaved by the very hurt we claim to reject.
A. Let’s Break Down Matthew 6:15 Step by Step:
1. Context: This verse comes from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount right after He teaches the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:9–13). In the prayer, He instructs us to pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Verses 14–15 expand on this single petition, showing that forgiveness is not optional for the disciple.
2. Key Words
• “If you do not forgive” – The verb here (?f??µ?, aphiemi) means to release, let go, or send away. It paints the picture of releasing someone from a debt they owe you.
• “Others” – This includes anyone who wrongs us, not just those close to us or those who apologize.
• “Your Father” – The relationship is key. God is our Father, so forgiveness isn’t a cold transaction—it is tied to family life with Him.
• “Will not forgive” – This is not teaching that God’s grace is earned by our forgiveness, but that an unforgiving heart contradicts and blocks our experience of His forgiveness.
3. Meaning
• Forgiveness is reciprocal: If we truly receive God’s forgiveness, it transforms us to extend forgiveness.
• An unforgiving spirit is a sign of a heart that has not fully grasped God’s mercy.
• Jesus is warning that bitterness and unforgiveness disrupt our fellowship with God.
4. Theological Implications
• Forgiveness is central to the gospel. Christ forgave us at the cross (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13).
• A refusal to forgive may reveal that we have not truly repented or received God’s forgiveness ourselves (Matthew 18:21–35, the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant).
• Forgiveness is not ignoring justice but entrusting it to God (Romans 12:19).
5. Practical Application
• Check your heart: Is there anyone you are holding offense against?
• Release the debt: Forgiveness is choosing not to hold the wrong against them anymore.
• Live free: Forgiveness liberates both the offender and the offended from the prison of bitterness.
B. Signs You’re Nursing a Grudge
• Replaying the Offense: You replay conversations or injuries in your mind.
• Avoidance or Coldness: You withdraw—refusing to engage the person you believe wronged you.
• “Spiritualized” Judgment: You justify alienation as biblical discernment.
• Emotional Upheaval: Anger, resentment, or grief can surface unexpectedly.
C. Why We Cling to Offense
1. Because it Feels Justified: We convince ourselves we have the moral high ground.
2. Because it Protects Us: A grudge can serve as a shield against future pain.
3. Because We Forget Our Own Need: We overlook our own failings and need for forgiveness.
Yet Jesus calls us to a higher path—not because forgiveness minimizes wrong, but because it unleashes healing.
II. Community at Risk
Bitterness is contagious. One unforgiving heart can sow division, gossip, and distrust. A church that tolerates grudges undermines its witness—and silences the gospel’s power of reconciliation.
A pastor once told of a campfire that was accidentally started by a single spark in a dry forest. One small flame touched a patch of dry leaves, which ignited more leaves, then the trees, and eventually a whole section of the forest burned before anyone could stop it.
He compared this to offense. When we hold a grudge or carry anger toward someone, it rarely stays contained. Our bitterness leaks into conversations, family life, and friendships. Like that spark in the forest, a single offense can ignite resentment, division, and hurt that spreads far beyond the original situation.
The solution, he said, is the same as with fire: stop it early. Forgive quickly, release the offense, and prevent the spread of spiritual and relational damage.
Scripture Tie-In:
• Ephesians 4:31–32 — “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
• Proverbs 16:28 — “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”
III. The Freedom of Forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning sin; it means entrusting justice to God and choosing restoration over retaliation. As we release our grudges, we experience the freedom Jesus promised:
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
— Matthew 11:28
What is The Path to Release?
1. Acknowledge the Hurt: Name your pain before God (Psalm 13:1–2).
2. Resist the Temptation to Carry the Grudge (Cut it off before you do it)
A pastor once shared a story about a man who carried anger toward a coworker for years. Every day, he replayed the offense in his mind, nursing bitterness and resentment. He imagined it would somehow “punish” the other person.
One day, he went to the doctor complaining of constant headaches, high blood pressure, and sleepless nights. The doctor said, “All these years, you’ve been drinking poison—hoping it would hurt someone else—but the only one it harmed was you.”
Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. Bitterness slowly corrodes our health, our relationships, and our spiritual life. Jesus warns that unforgiveness not only keeps us trapped emotionally but also blocks the flow of God’s grace in our lives
3. Remember Your Forgiveness: Meditate on Christ’s sacrifice (Ephesians 4:32).
4. Pray for the Offender: Offer them—and your anger—to God (Luke 6:27–28).
5. Choose to Forgive: Decide in your will to release the debt, even if feelings follow later.
6. Seek Reconciliation: When safe and appropriate, extend grace face-to-face (Matthew 18:15).
Prayer: Heavenly Father,
I confess the hurt and offense I am holding in my heart. I ask You to help me release it, just as You have forgiven me in Christ. Remove any bitterness, pride, or resentment, and fill me with Your love and peace. Teach me to forgive quickly and freely, so that my heart may reflect Your grace and mercy.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
