Today, we continue our series on Ephesians, and we continue to talk about husbands and wives, Christ and the church. Last week, I focused on wives, because that's where Paul starts. We saw that what it means for a wife to submit to her husband primarily revolves around the idea of treating him with respect. That's how Paul defines submission-- as respect.
When it comes to respect, the thing wives perhaps most need to hear, is that respect is not something a husband has to earn. It's not something he can lose, and then struggle to regain. Respect is like love. Respect is something you choose to do. And it's something God commands wives to do, for their husbands.
Just in the past month or so, I realized that my wife had been reaching out to me more than usual during the day, to bounce more stuff than usual off of me, in more areas. Once or twice, she called because she really wasn't quite sure how to handle a situation. But most of the time, she called me about something she could've handled, and made a decision on, by herself. What she was wanting to know, was if I have a strong opinion on this or that thing. Should we still pay for Maddy's cello to be repaired, or should Maddy do that at this point? Should [my wife] go ahead and submit paperwork for the new job, or wait a bit? So I let [my wife] know that I really appreciated her doing this. I thanked her for it. And she's responded, by more intentionally bringing me into more of the decisions she makes in life. Sometimes I really don't care at all. Other times, I care a lot. And every once in a while, I'm sure she's super happy she called, because I do in fact have a brilliant insight.
The end result, isn't that she always does exactly what I want. And in the domestic sphere, our household looks like a typical Roman household, really. The wife runs the show, in most ways, and I'm happy about that, and happy to stay out of vast swaths out household decisions. But I've noticed about myself, that since she's been more intentional about asking my thoughts and opinion, that I've started feeling like a much bigger man. My shoulders are broader. I'm pretty sure I can bench press 50 more pounds suddenly. But in all seriousness, [my wife] is treating me with respect in new ways, and those ways feel really good, as a man, as a husband. And she's perhaps noticed that suddenly, the pots and pans are magically scrubbed several mornings a week, which is also new. Weird, how things magically get cleaned around the house.
So last week, the focus was on wives, and on how Paul wants wives to be filled with the Holy Spirit, so that they are empowered to put themselves under their husbands, primarily by showing them respect.
This week, the focus is on husbands.
There are three things I want to talk about, before diving in.
(1) Thing #1 has to do with the structure of this part of Ephesians as a whole in chapters 5 and 6. Paul addresses the three pairs of people that were found in a first century Roman household. We tend to think of the modern family as having either one or two parents, 2.2 kids, and a dog. But in a Roman household, there are three pairs of people, and Paul addresses all three pairs. Paul writes to (1) wives and husbands, (2) then children and parents, and (3) then slaves and masters. Within a first century Roman context, each of these pairs has one member that's far above the other. Husbands were more important than wives, parents than children, and masters than slaves. I'm not saying, that Paul is saying that. I'm saying, that's how people were ranked in importance and significance in first century Rome.
There's a famous philosopher, Aristotle, who also writes about how a Roman household should be organized. It's longer than I want to read here, but I've put a link in your translation to a scholar who quotes Aristotle, and then interacts with it. And you should all go home and just read it.
https://www.psephizo.com/life-ministry/aristotle-and-the-household-codes/
When we compare Paul to Aristotle, there are several things that jump out. The first, is that Paul is unique in addressing the lower members of the household. Aristotle addresses the man, and that's all he thinks he needs to do. Paul, though, writes to the woman, and children, and slaves. In fact, Paul addresses them first. So what does this tell us? The weaker members have a voice. They have dignity. They are players in the game of life, who have real choices, and make real decisions (*Tim Mackie
https://bibleproject.com/classroom/ephesians/sessions/31
https://bibleproject.com/classroom/ephesians/sessions/32
This is really important when it comes to the issue of wives submitting to their husbands. Last week, I argued that "submission" revolves around "treating their husbands with respect." That's how Paul rephrases submission language, in Ephesians 5:33. So submission isn't defined in terms of "obeying" your husband (as Chrysostom, a famous church father, later argued). It's not about doing everything the husband wants. Wives are called to submit to their husbands, primarily by treating them with respect. That was new to me. Maybe it was new to you. And we have to bend our brains, to adjust to that.
The other aspect of submission where Paul would have us bend our brains, is with who is responsible for the wife's submission. Who decides when and where and how a wife submits? Who is addressed? Who receives that command?
[The wife.]
The wife is the one who is addressed, and asked to do this hard thing for her husband.
So that's Thing #1. Here's Thing #2:
(2) Paul spends way more time addressing men, than women. We are often laser-focused on wives submitting to husbands, and we lose sight of this. All we tend to care about is "head" language and "submission" language. But Paul works much harder, for much longer, to push men to be good husbands, than he has to, to push women to be good wives. And the reason for that, is probably not because men just struggle. It's because in a Roman context, what God wants from men, requires them to give up more. Men ruled over their houses by default. And Paul pushes back against that rule in all sorts of ways, to such an extent, that the door is cracked for a fundamentally different view of what marriage should be.
So let's not think that Paul is laser-focused on wives submitting to their husbands. You can look at the amount of space Paul gives to both, and it's pretty clear just from that, that Paul has far more he wants to say to husbands.
Thing #3:
(3) Throughout this section on husbands and wives, Paul uses a metaphor about the head and body. Jesus is the head of the church-body. The husband is the head of the wife-body.
When scholars hear this metaphor, they tend to get side-tracked by the meaning of the word "head" in Greek, and talk about "head" meaning "ruler," or "preeminence," or "source." When normal Christians hear this metaphor, they tend to get side-tracked (I'd argue) based on modern scientific views about the relationship between a head and a body. We find ourselves wanting to ask, "What does modern science say that a head does?"
And the end result for both groups, is that we lose sight of how Paul uses this head-body metaphor throughout this section. We chase rabbit trails, when it's how Paul uses the metaphor that's key. What does Paul actually say about the head-body? What does he not say?
Basically, the head and body is a really brilliant way for Paul to speak about the nature of the relationship between husband and wife, and we do well to focus on what Paul actually says.
Now, if you look at the very bottom of your translation, you'll see six statements about the head-body:
"My head takes care of my body.
I take care of my body.
I take care of myself."
I love my body.
My wife is my body.
I should love my wife-body.
To speak of the head is a convenient way to talk about something that's distinct, but inseparable, from who I am. If you punch me in the head, I'll ask you, "Why did you hit me?" If you punch in the body, I'll ask you, "why did you hit me?" I'll ask the same question, right? I am my head. I am my body. At the same time, I have a body, and I have a head, as well. I am my body. I have a body.
Paul hangs on to the head language only until he's made his point that husbands and wives are one body, and that your wife is your body. But what Paul ultimately cares about, and focuses on, is not the head. We get stuck on the head, but Paul is interested in the body. And when we read the passage, what we see is that the head language falls off, and all we're left with is the body. The sixth statement on your outline is the important one that Paul spends tons of time unpacking-- I should love my wife-body.
Your wife is one with you. Your wife is your body. Your wife is distinct, but inseparable, from who you are. And since you love your body, and your wife is your body, you should love your wife.
There's one more thing I think we should do, before we dive in. So maybe this is Thing #4. Let's start our reading in Ephesians 5:15:
(15) And so then, watch carefully how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,
(16) making the most of the time,
because the days, evil, they are. ["evil" is focused].
(17) For this reason do not be foolish,
but understand what the will of the Lord [is],
(18) and don't be drunk with wine, in which there is wastefulness,
but be filled with the Spirit,
(19) speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and Spiritual songs,
singing and praising in your hearts to the Lord,
(20) giving thanks always for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to our God and Father,
(21) putting yourself under one another out of fear/reverence of Christ,
(22) wives to their own husbands as to the Lord,
Let's pause here.
We are all called to live wisely, and to live as a people who are filled with the Holy Spirit. With God's Spirit, and God's help, we are given power to submit to one another, putting ourselves underneath one another, wives to their own husbands.
Paul then addresses wives for a couple verses, and then we hit verse 25:.
(25) Husbands, love your wives,
just as also Christ loved the church,
and himself, he gave for her,
Let's pause here again.
If we start in verse 25, and ignore everything we just read, we notice that two things are missing. Technically speaking, husbands aren't told to be filled with the Holy Spirit, and they aren't called to submit to their wives. Verse 25 is separate. And so everyone finds themselves asking questions here:
(1) Is Paul making a hard break here?
(2) Are husbands called to submit to their wives in some way, to put themselves under their wives?
(3) Is marriage supposed to be about mutual submission, or is submission a one-way street in marriage?
(4) Are husbands able to love their wives sacrificially without the Holy Spirit's help? Do women need God's help to be good wives, but men are strong?
I think that the key to reading the three pairs of people correctly-- wives and husbands, children and parents, slaves and masters-- is to recognize that all three pairs have this overarching framework of living wisely, of living as people filled with the Holy Spirit, of living in submission to one another. Everyone submits to everyone, both in the church, and in the home, but how that "submission" works differs, depending on the type of relationship.
So, wives were called to submit to their husbands, primarily by treating them with respect.
Husbands are called to submit to their wives, putting themselves under their wives, by loving them sacrificially. And this is impossible on your own strength, but it's something that can be done with the Holy Spirit's help.
Now, what does it look like, men, to love your wives? If this is God's basic command, and the basic way that you put yourself under your wife, what exactly does that mean?
Paul points to a different sort of marriage, to help us understand what God seeks. In the NT, Jesus is sometimes described as the bridegroom at a wedding, and the church is Jesus' bride. Husbands are supposed to look at that marriage, to know how to have a good marriage. And they are supposed to look at Jesus, to figure out how to be a good husband.
So let's just read the whole passage, from verse 25-33, and I'll just point out a few things after reading:
(25) Husbands, love your wives,
just as also Christ loved the church,
and himself, he gave for her,
(26) in order that her, he would make holy.
cleansing [her] with the washing of the water in/by the word,
(27) in order that he may present the glorious/magnificent church to himself,
not having a spot, or wrinkle, or anything like that,
but in order that she might be holy and blameless.
(28) In this way also, husbands ought to love their own wives-- as their own bodies.
The one loving his own wife, himself, he loves.
(29) For no one ever hated his own flesh,
but he nourishes/raises/trains [it] up, [Ephesians 6:4]
and he cherishes it,
just as also Christ [does] the church,
(30) because members, we are, of his body.
(31) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother,
and he will be joined to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh/body.
(32) This mystery, great, it is.
Now, I am speaking about Christ and the church.
(33) Nevertheless, also you, each one of you [husbands], must in this manner love his own wife as himself.
Now the wife, that she must fear/revere/respect her husband.
Rather than go through Paul's instructions here line by line, I want to take a step back, and try to use these verses to answer five questions:
(1) How should husbands view their wives?
In verse 31, Paul quotes from Genesis, to make the point that husbands and wives are one flesh. They are one person. Paul calls the husband the head, not to make the point the husband rules the wife, or that he has authority over her, or that he has power over her. Unlike people like Aristotle, or Chrysostom, Paul never uses that language. Paul calls the husband the head, because it's a convenient metaphor for helping husbands understand how they should view their wives.
I read a great fiction book one time, which opened with a husband waking up early for work, in bed with his wife. After waking up, he glanced over at his wife, and looked at her "neutrally." He didn't hate her. He didn't have any great affection for her, either. She was someone who could be lived with. She could be a better wife. She could be worse. In this book, she wasn't his true love. His kid was. But this second marriage of his was something that could hang together, and something he could make work. It was a great work of fiction, but that particular scene struck me as incredibly well-written, and profound.
Husbands, how do you view your wife? You wake up in the morning, and you look at her, what do you see? You get home from work, and she's there, what do you see?
God wants you to look at your wife, and see someone who is part of you. She is one with you. You are one flesh. When Paul says your wife is your body, he's not saying, she's something you can rule over, and use to your own ends. That's not how you treat your body, right? Your head-- you-- spends most of life focused on taking care of your body. You work, to keep a roof over the head of your body. You work safely, so you come home with 10 fingers and 10 toes, and working ears and eyes. Ideally, you give your body A/C in the summer, and heat in the winter. You feed your body appropriate amounts of good food, with treats mixed in here and there. You cherish your body, knowing it's the only one you will ever have. There's no one who cares more about your body than you.
Your wife is your body. When you see her, you're supposed to see yourself. She's not even an extension of you.
She is you.
Now, husbands, that's not necessarily what you see. Perhaps you look at your wife neutrally. Perhaps you look at her with disdain. She focuses on the wrong things. There are things about her that really bother you. Your marriage feels unequally yoked in one way or another, so that you feel like you are doing the heavy lifting. Maybe there's a part of you that looks at her with regret, and that thinks she's just not worth it.
When you look at your wife, as anything other than yourself, it always leads to unloving behavior. That's the first step toward treating her poorly-- when you view her as being separate from you, and distinct from you.
So don't do that. You wife is your body, so view her that way. Cherish and nourish and take care of that part of your body.
(2) What does it mean to love your wife?
In today's culture, it's often thought that love is primarily an emotional thing. It's something you feel. You fall in love with someone. You fall out of love with someone. And the hard thing about dating someone, or being married to someone, is that sometimes, that emotion completely goes away. How do you respond, when that love disappears?
In church culture, we sometimes push back hard on this idea. We stress that love is something you choose to do. Love is a choice. Love is about concrete actions.
But what we see in this passage, is that love is both. You love your wife by cherishing her. You love your wife, by living sacrificially toward her. The sacrifice part gets more play in these verses. Paul spends lots of time talking about how Jesus, as husband, gave himself up completely for his church-wife. Jesus lived for his church-wife. He died for his church-wife. And that's what God calls you to do. To live sacrificially toward her. In my own little world, I've seen several husbands lately do this in really hard ways. They've left good jobs, and a home where they have friends and family, to move closer to their wife's families. You know that you love someone, when you move to Iowa or Indiana for them. And I think husbands in general, when they are filled with the Holy Spirit, are wired to make these types of tough sacrifices. They work the hard jobs, and the long hours, in a state they aren't from, as a way to love their wives.
My guess, husbands, is that you instinctively understand the sacrifice part of being a husband. You understand that to sacrifice is a choice, not a feeling. If you struggle, it's with the other half of love-- the cherishing part that Paul describes in verse 29. "For no one ever hates his own flesh, but he nourishes, and he cherishes it, just as Christ does the church."
I'll come back to that part at the end. So I think, to love your wife, means to sacrifice for her, to build her up, and to cherish her. But if you struggle with cherishing her, what's the solution? That's what I'll put on pause for a second.
(3) What happens to your wife, when you love her?
What we see in verses 26-28, is a picture of how Jesus blessed his wife, the church. By giving himself up for her, and loving her, Jesus made her into something beautiful and glorious. In verse 29, Paul talks about how husbands "nourish," or "train up," their wives (*Lucy Peppiatt is helpful here). The idea then, is that husbands can make their wives into something better than they are. They can edify them, build them up. As the church, we all are called to build each other up into this beautiful temple for God. On a smaller scale, husbands are called to build up their wives (different verb, but same idea).
So husbands, your wife isn't perfect. She may or may not have spots and wrinkles on the outside. She certainly has some on the inside. But Paul encourages you, that if you love your wife as your own body, cherishing her, living sacrificially toward her, that she will turn into something better.
Many husbands, at one point or another, quietly wish they'd married a little better, and had a better marriage. It's not actually too late. You can make your wife into something better. And if the wives are bothered by that, I'd say that the same thing is true for you. You can make your husbands into something better, when you consistently treat them with respect.
So, husbands, if you're frustrated, and filled with regret, and thinking about leaving your wife, just understand, part of your calling, as a husband, is to faithfully love her, and help her become something better.
(4) What happens to you, when you love your wife?
Let's reread verse 27, which is talking about Jesus, but then applied to the husband. Jesus gave himself up for his wife, the church,
(27) in order that he may present the glorious/magnificent church to himself,
not having a spot, or wrinkle, or anything like that,
but in order that she might be holy and blameless.
(28) In this way also, husbands ought to love their own wives-- as their own bodies.
Part of the reason that Jesus lived sacrificially toward his wife, was because Jesus had this end goal in view. He was creating a wife who would be glorious, and magnificent, and then, he presented that wife to himself.
Normally in American weddings, the groom stands at the front, and he waits for the bride to appear at the back of the church, and everyone marvels at her, when she appears, and joins her new husband. That's not far off from the picture of verse 27. Jesus made his bride into something beautiful, in part to present her to himself as this fabulous wife.
When you cherish your wife, and live sacrificially toward her, you are acting in your own best interests. Want a better wife? Be a loving husband.
Now, it's at this point that I think I can take a shot at answering the question I put on pause earlier. If you struggle to cherish your wife, what's the solution?
(1) See your wife, as your own body. Cherish her, as being a part of yourself.
(2) Understand that God holds out this promise, that you can help your wife become something better. You can build her up into a glorious, magnificent wife.
(3) Understand that it's in your own best interest to cherish your wife, and live sacrificially toward her. She will respond to that by becoming a better wife. She'll warm up to you. She'll appreciate you. She'll start to show you more respect. Should she do that anyway? Absolutely. But she'll find it easier to do that, when you cherish her.
(4) Ask God to fill you with his Holy Spirit. Wives are empowered to submit their husbands, by treating them with respect, through the Holy Spirit. The Spirit makes that possible. It works the same for you. If you're truly, fully, filled with the Holy Spirit, part of the evidence of that will be that you naturally cherish your wife.
I have one last question I want to answer, and this one is controversial:
(5) In this passage, the husband is called the head of his wife. What does being the "head" teach us about husbands ruling, and leading, and having authority over their wives?
We looked at how Paul uses this head-body metaphor, and all the verbs he uses, and the answer to this question is pretty clear. This passage tells us nothing about any of that.
To be the head, is never described using language about leading, or authority, or ruling. In first century Rome, the husband was the ruler of the house. That's the starting place, for being a Roman husband, and the question was what type of ruler the husband should be. But the husband is never called the "head" by Greek philosophers. The husband was just simply, baldly, called the ruler (arkon). And that's not what Paul does, at all.
So when husbands read from verses 15-33, the thing they often really want to know, in the end, is when they can stop living sacrificially toward their wives. You're happy serving your wife up to a certain point, but every now and then, the husband as ruler of the house, as the head, needs to just tell your wife how things are going to be. At some point, the husband, viewed as servant leader of the house, become simply the leader and ruler. And the wife simply needs to submit.
That's what husbands want to know. That's the question they bring to the text. When can I stop living sacrificially, and instead make my wife do what I want?
And I think Paul answers that question, but not in a way that husbands like:
(1) Submission is up to the wife. She's the one who is told to submit. The husband isn't told to make his wife submit.
(2) Submission on the wife's part, is primarily about treating her husband with respect (Ephesians 5:33). Respect isn't something that has to be earned. It's a choice, and it's the choice God expects the wife to make. Submission is not about doing what the husband wants. It's not about obeying. Children are called to obey (Ephesians 6:1). Wives are not (*Clinton Arnold).
(3) Husbands are called to be filled with the Holy Spirit, submitting to their wives, by loving them. To love, primarily means to cherish and to sacrifice. And this is something God expects you to do, all the way up to the point of death.
That's your answer.
Now, I say all of that, but there's one place in the NT where it clearly says that husbands have authority over their wives, and I feel like I should add that. Let's turn to 1 Corinthians 7:1 (NIV does a nice job here, with the exceptino of the first verse. The Corinthians say, "It's good for a husband/man to not touch a wife/woman," and Paul has to work hard to explain that because there's some ambiguity in the Greek):
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Verse 4 is the one place where a husband is said to have authority over his wife. It's also the place where the wife is said to have authority over her husband. Husband, your body belongs to your wife. Wife, your body belongs to your husband. The two of you are one. And it's far better for each of you, that you are the one your spouse goes to when they're in the mood, rather than go somewhere else. Husbands need to know they can go to their wives. Wives need to know they can go to their husbands. And if that's not the case, the end result tends to go in really bad directions-- affairs, adultery, pornography, divorce.
And on that note, let me just close by saying one more thing. One of the things that helps husbands and wives view themselves as being one body, is regularly being one body with them. When you glance over at your wife in the morning, what you should often see is the one you slept with the night before. You know that your wife is your body, because you were just one body with her.
Translation of Eph. 5:15-33:
(15) And so then, watch carefully how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,
(16) making the most of the time,
because the days, evil, they are. ["evil" is focused].
(17) For this reason do not be foolish,
but understand what the will of the Lord [is],
(18) and don't be drunk with wine, in which there is wastefulness,
but be filled with the Spirit,
(19) speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and Spiritual songs,
singing and praising in your hearts to the Lord,
(20) giving thanks always for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to our God and Father,
(21) putting yourself under one another out of fear/reverence of Christ,
(22) wives to their own husbands as to the Lord,
(23) because (the) husband is (the) head of the wife,
as also Christ [is the] head of the church--
he [being the] savior/protector/deliverer of the body--
(24) but just as the church puts itself under Christ,
in this manner also, the wives to their husbands in everything.
(25) Husbands, love your wives,
just as also Christ loved the church,
and himself, he gave for her,
(26) in order that her, he would make holy.
cleansing [her] with the washing of the water in/by the word,
(27) in order that he may present the glorious/magnificent church to himself,
not having a spot, or wrinkle, or anything like that,
but in order that she might be holy and blameless.
(28) In this way also, husbands ought to love their own wives-- as their own bodies.
The one loving his own wife, himself, he loves.
(29) For no one ever hated his own flesh,
but he nourishes/raises/trains [it] up, [Ephesians 6:4]
and he cherishes it,
just as also Christ [does] the church,
(30) because members, we are, of his body.
(31) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother,
and he will be joined to his wife,
and the two will become one flesh/body.
(32) This mystery, great, it is.
Now, I am speaking about Christ and the church.
(33) Nevertheless, also you, each one of you [husbands], must in this manner love his own wife as himself.
Now, the wife, that she must fear/revere/respect her husband.
