Introduction:
A. Once there was a ministerial panel that was asked to debate the question of when life begins.
1. The first minister said: “Life begins at conception, of course!”
2. The second minister countered: “No, no, life certainly begins at birth.”
3. The third minister chimed in: “Perhaps you’re both wrong, the unborn baby doesn’t have a heartbeat until the 5th or 6th week, so perhaps that’s when life begins.”
4. The last minister emphatically offered his opinion: “All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home and when the dog they left behind dies!!!”
B. That’s a humorous take on a very serious and important discussion and debate.
1. My purpose today is not to answer that important question, or any specific debatable matter.
2. Rather, my purpose today is to talk about the art of living with disagreements.
C. It is literally impossible to go through life without being forced to live with disagreements, because we are never going to agree with every person about everything.
1. There’s an old saying that says: “If two people agree on everything, then one of them is unnecessary.”
2. That quote highlights the importance of having differing viewpoints and the need for individuals to think critically rather than just conform to the group’s consensus.
D. Although there may be some people in the world who have no opinions of their own, I think the vast majority of people are very opinionated.
1. Many opinionated people have learned when and how to express their opinions, but other opinionated people have not learned this important skill.
2. Unfortunately, there are some who think that their spiritual gift is the gift of opinions.
3. Those people have opinions on everything, even on things that they know nothing about.
4. And they believe that their role in life is to help everyone else come to agree with all of their right opinions.
5. It’s not hard to imagine how much conflict and difficulty is going to result from a person who has that kind of mindset and approach to life.
6. And more importantly, I believe God wants His children to display a much different mindset and manner.
E. But please don’t misunderstand me – I’m not trying to say that we shouldn’t develop vast knowledge and strong convictions and opinions.
1. What I am trying to say is that we have to be careful about how we use our knowledge, convictions and opinions, and be careful about what we allow our knowledge and opinions to do to our relationships with others.
2. I also realize that there are some clear, critical biblical truths that cannot be compromised and may impact our relationships with others, but not all disagreements fall into this category.
3. Of course, feel free to disagree with me, but you’ll be wrong.
4. See how easy it is to fall into this trap?
5. So, how do we navigate this stuff?
6. Allow me to offer a few important suggestions to guide us.
I. First of all, I want to suggest that we need to Stay Humble
A. An important foundation truth for us to keep in mind is: There is a God and you and I are not Him.
1. God knows everything and God is always right.
2. You and I don’t know everything and we are not always right.
3. Am I right about that?
B. There are so many things that God is able to do that we, feeble, sinful people are not able to do.
1. One of those things that God can do that we can’t is: only God knows everything about a person; including their thoughts, motives, and the experiences that have shaped them.
a. How can I expect to know and understand everything about others when many times I don’t even understand all that is going on with my own motives or reasons for doing what I do?
b. Therefore, we should be giving others the benefit of the doubt and not be mind-readers or motive-judgers.
2. Another thing that God is able to do that we can’t do is predict the future because God is outside of time and can know the beginning and the end.
a. We are stuck in the present and although we can learn from the past, there is no guarantee that the past will repeat itself in the future.
b. So, we ought to keep our future predictions to a minimum and hold them loosely, for we really don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
c. As Jesus taught us, we should trust God with the future and seek first His kingdom today, this puts tomorrow in God’s hands where it belongs. (Mt. 6:33-34)
C. I am encouraging us to be humble because pride can cause lots of problems in our relationship with God and in our relationships with others.
1. Pride can cause us to think that we are always right and cause us to do almost anything to win an argument, because we don’t want to lose or to admit that we are wrong.
2. And guess what? Just because the other person is wrong doesn’t mean we are right – there is a third possibility - we may both be wrong.
3. The Bible emphasizes our need to cultivate humility, which involves being willing to listen, admit mistakes, and value the perspectives of others.
4. And so, humility is a good place to start in the art of living with disagreements.
II. A second thing I would suggest is that when we face disagreements, we should Seek to: Understand Before Being Understood
A. When people hold opposing views from us, especially on important and heated issues, it is easy to jump to wrong conclusions about them.
1. We might assume that they are poorly informed, or don’t care, or are just seeking their own benefit.
2. But in reality, they may hold their strong convictions because of what they have been taught, or experiences they have had or burdens that they carry.
3. What may be just a debatable topic to you or me may have a very personal connection or effect on them.
4. That’s why it is best that we start with trying to understand what they think and why they think that way.
B. The little, practical book of James reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
1. Listening attentively shows respect and allows for a better understanding of the other person’s perspective.
2. Proverbs 18:13 is an important guide: The one who gives an answer before he listens — this is foolishness and disgrace for him.
3. Let’s listen to others and ask good questions to better understand them, rather than listening only to formulate rebuttals and cleaver responses to win the argument.
4. Asking further questions like “can you tell me more about that”…or “what do you mean when you say such and such” shows respect and provides more opportunity for genuine dialog.
C. As we seek to understand other people’s perspectives, it helps to keep in mind that there are often several vantage points, aspects and layers to a complicated issue.
1. I am sure we are all familiar with the old story from India about of the six blind men describing an elephant.
2. The first blind man put out his hand and touched the side of the elephant. “How smooth! An elephant is like a wall.”
3. The second blind man put out his hand and touched the trunk of the elephant. “How round! An elephant is like a snake.”
4. The third blind man put out his hand and touched the tusk of the elephant. “How sharp! An elephant is like a spear.”
5. The fourth blind man put out his hand and touched the leg of the elephant. “How tall! An elephant is like a tree.”
6. The fifth blind man reached out his hand and touched the ear of the elephant. “How wide! An elephant is like a fan.”
7. The sixth blind man put out his hand and touched the tail of the elephant. “How thin! An elephant is like a rope.”
8. An argument ensued as each blind man thought his own perception of the elephant was the correct one.
9. Nearby a wiseman who overheard their argument said: “The elephant is a big animal. Each of you touched only one part. You must put all the parts together to find out what an elephant is like.”
10. Enlightened by this wisdom, the blind men reached the agreement: “Each one of us knows only a part. To find out the whole truth we must put all the parts together.”
D. Sometimes when we are in a disagreement with others it is because we are only considering a part of the elephant.
1. Other times our differences may come from different interests regarding the elephant.
2. How might discussions about elephants be different if you were a zoo keeper, an African preservationist, or an ivory merchant?
3. Can you see how different personal interests in elephants would impact any discussion about elephants?
4. The same is true of any discussion or disagreement, our personal interest in the subject impacts our feelings and convictions about it.
E. Let’s consider a different illustration.
1. Consider the story of Abraham, when in Genesis 22, God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac.
2. How would your perspective be different if you were Abraham or Isaac in that situation?
3. How would the story and its impact and application change for you throughout your lifetime as you move from a child, to a teenager, to a parent, and then a grandparent?
F. Hopefully, all of this illustrates why it is important for us to seek to understand before we seek to be understood.
1. Other people have a right to their perspective, just as we do.
2. Not every perspective is equally valid, rational or true, yet we need to take the time to really understand the perspective of others, so we can either modify our perspective, or encourage others to modify theirs.
3. When we seek to understand before we seek to be understood, perhaps we will have more conversations and fewer arguments.
III. Third, I want to suggest that we should: Be Controlled by Love
A. The apostle Paul warned: Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. (1 Cor. 8:1)
1. And later in 1 Corinthians 13, the chapter about love, we notice: If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. (1 Cor. 13:2)
a. In other words, love is the most important characteristic, motive, and action, and everything else must be guided and shaped by love.
2. A few verses later in the same chapter, Paul described what love looks like and how it acts: Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Cor. 13:4-8)
3. If we allow love to do its job, love will motivate and guide us in all the right ways: it will cause us to be patient and kind, and it will keep us from being arrogant, rude and irritable.
B. In another of Paul’s letters, he clarifies that we are to speak the truth in love.
1. In Ephesians 4:15, Paul wrote: But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ.
a. The goal of speaking the truth in love is for everyone, the speaker and the hearer, to grow up in Christ.
2. Later in the same chapter, Paul wrote: No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear. (Eph. 4:29)
a. This is one of those verses that has impacted my life since my youth as I have tried to follow this command.
b. Back then, I memorized the verse from the NIV: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
c. The concept of “unwholesome talk” for me means avoiding talk that puts holes in people and leaves them less than whole.
3. If we go ballistic on people, either in person or online, then we are not speaking in love and are not conveying our respect or their value.
a. We certainly leave them worse for the wear having had an encounter with us.
4. People are important and valuable even when they have ideas and opinions that differ from ours, and even if they are wrong.
5. We need to be careful not to villainize someone who disagrees with us and we should avoid labeling them or taking cheap shots at them.
6. Remember, we are supposed to be loving them and communicating that love. Right?
7. The fact that they may not speak to us in a loving way and with respect doesn’t give us the right to mistreat them in return.
8. Our relationship with God and our values and commitments should guide us to treat others in an appropriate and godly way, even when their actions or words are not deserving of it.
IV. Allow me to suggest one more thing: Focus on Areas of Agreement, Rather than Disagreement
A. Most of the time and with most people, there are a lot more areas of agreement than areas of agreement, so let’s emphasize and embrace the things we agree about.
1. In the end, sometimes we just have to agree to disagree about a subject and move on in the relationship.
2. That’s what Paul and Barnabas did when they couldn’t agree on something about the next missionary journey.
3. They were still brothers and friends but just needed to work independently from each other.
Conclusion:
A. So, in review, I have suggested that we can learn the art of living with disagreements by doing four things:
1. By staying humble.
2. By seeking to understand before seeking to be understood.
3. By being controlled by love.
4. By focusing on areas of agreement, rather than disagreement
5. Doing and being these things will help us maintain the perspective that our relationship with other people and with God is just as or more important that any issue at hand.
B. In essence, the art of living with disagreements is about the following:
1. Valuing unity and relationships above personal opinions or a desire to be right.
2. Practicing humility, love, and forgiveness in our interactions with others.
3. Seeking wisdom and guidance from God in navigating challenging situations.
4. Being committed to honest and respectful communication.
C. By applying these principles, we can not only resolve conflicts more effectively and live in the midst of them more graciously, but also grow spiritually and demonstrate the transformative power of Christ’s love to the world.
Resources:
Responding to People Who Think Differently Than Me, Article by Doug Talley
4 Ways to Relate to Someone Who Thinks Differently From You, Article by YMI
The Art of Living with Disagreements, Article by Frank Myers
How to Debate Debatable Issues: The Art of Godly Disagreement, Article by John Weatherly
