INTRODUCTION
After our relationship to God, marriage is the most important relationship we get into. But society’s view of marriage has changed dramatically over the past half century or so.
What I would like to do today is give you two pictures. The first picture is what I’m calling the world’s view of marriage. I’m going to do that now. The second picture is the Biblical view of marriage. I’ll do that later in the service. At the end, I’ll reflect a little on these two pictures.
THE WORLD'S VIEW OF MARRIAGE
'There’s no point in getting married.'
70 years or so ago, at the end of the Second World War, almost everyone got married. But the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s changed people’s practices. Cohabitation became more common and it’s completely normal today. The number of people getting married has been going down steadily and rapidly.
If we go back to 1971, when the first UK census was conducted, among women in the age group 30-34, 93% were or had been married. Move forward to 2021, when the last UK census was conducted. Now, just 42% of the women in this age were not and never had been married. The number of women getting married today is less than half what it was 50 years ago.
That means, of course, that more children are born outside marriage. In 2022, more children were born outside marriage than were born within marriage. In the past, there was a stigma associated with being unmarried and a parent. Today, this stigma is hardly noticeable.
Looking at these statistics, it’s evident that most people today don’t see marriage as very important. Marriage is simply one option among many for how to arrange one’s most intimate relationship.
'In a marriage, the partners are equal'
70 years or so ago, at the end of the Second World War, most people had what we can call a traditional view of marriage. I’m not saying that a traditional view of marriage is a Biblical view, but it isn’t far off. In the traditional view, the husband was the head of the family and the breadwinner. The wife looked after the home. In this view of marriage, the husband and wife have different roles. This is a ‘complementarian’ view of marriage.
Then there was a rise in feminism. Feminism rejected the idea that the husband should be the head of the family or that husband and wife should have different roles. It redefined marriage as a partnership of equals. This is the ‘egalitarian’ view of marriage. In western Europe this is now the dominant view of marriage. In most European countries, 80-90% of people prefer egalitarian marriage. In the UK the figure is about 80%. This view is also the dominant view in Christian communities. The data I’ve found shows that between 70 and 90% of Christians in western Europe have an egalitarian view of marriage.
Another major change in attitude towards marriage is that same-sex partnerships can be legally recognized as marriages. Same-sex marriage became legal in the UK in 2014. This view of marriage is incompatible with the Biblical view.
'The goal of marriage is romantic love'
In the past, many people would have seen one of the main purposes of marriage as being to have children and provide an environment in which to bring them up. Today people are less likely to see children as a goal of marriage. In fact, they might well not want children. What they’re looking for is romantic love.
More people give up on marriage today
In the mid-1960s, about 10% of marriages ended in divorce within ten years. By 1975, this figure had nearly doubled to 18%. The figure continued to rise and as of 2021, about 42% of marriages in the UK ended in divorce. That’s a big increase. I don’t know if it’s because people are less committed to marriage or because divorce has become easier.
So, all of these changes have been going on.
But what do WE, as Christians, think? How should WE view marriage? What is the BIBLICAL concept of marriage?
Let me give you a spoiler. The Biblical view of marriage is very different to most westerners’ view of marriage.
It is also very different to the common view of marriage in Paul’s time. In Paul’s time, Greek and Roman societies were patriarchal. In the west today, we see men and women as equal. But that wasn’t the case in Paul’s time. Women had very limited legal rights. Marriage generally placed women absolutely their husbands’ control although this was gradually changing.
THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF MARRIAGE
Before we start, two questions.
I’d like to address two things you may be thinking.
First, you may be thinking is, wasn’t Paul writing for his time and culture? If he was, then surely his teaching doesn’t apply to our time and culture? Yes, Paul was writing for his time and culture. But – as we will see – Paul explains God’s plan for marriage by referring to things that are relevant to all times and cultures, such as Jesus’ love for the church.
Second, people who are not married might think, ‘Surely a talk about marriage isn’t relevant to us?!’ But that isn’t the case. The reason is that Paul isn’t simply talking about marriage. He’s using marriage as an example of a much broader principle, that as Christians, we submit to one another. That applies to all of us.
Ephesians 5:18-33
Paul’s teaching on marriage seems to start at verse 22. But we need to start our study at verse 18. You’ll see why in a moment!
And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit,
• addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
• singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,
• giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,
• submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
This is one sentence. Paul starts with two commands: ‘And do not get drunk … but be filled with the Spirit’. He then lists four things which reflect being filled with the Spirit. We don’t need to look at them in any detail, but we should see that the last is, ‘Submitting to one another.’
We then move on to Paul’s teaching about marriage. But the point is that Paul’s teaching about marriage is an example of the broader principle of submission. Let me make this even clearer. We go on to verse 22.
Wives, submit to your own husbands …
That’s what is says in the ESV. If we go to the NASB, we find this:
Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
The NASB put words in italics that aren’t in the Greek. ‘Submit’ or ‘subject yourselves’ isn’t in the Greek. Paul doesn’t need to write ‘submit’ because he’s continuing his idea from the previous verse. A wife submitting to her husband is AN EXAMPLE of the point that when we are filled with the Spirit, we will submit to one another.
The greatest act of submission in the Bible is Jesus submitting to the will of his father.
I mentioned Jesus. As we look ahead to Paul’s instructions about marriage, we find the word ‘Christ’ coming up repeatedly. Christ has something to do with marriages! What is it? Let’s go on to verses 23 and 24.
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Paul has just said, ‘Wives … to your own husbands.’ He’s talking about submission. Why should wives do that? Now Paul gives the reason. ‘For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church.’
Wow! This is astonishing! Those of us who have an egalitarian view of marriage won’t like this. This isn’t egalitarian at all! But if this is the nature of a marriage relationship then, of course, a wife should submit to her husband.
Let me make a couple more points before I move on.
First, the idea of headship isn’t supposed to communicate privilege or power but responsibility and self-giving love. Does it imply authority?
In 1985, Wayne Grudem, a famous theologian, wanted to establish that ‘head’ implies authority. He looked at 2,336 examples of the word ‘head’ in ancient Greek literature. He found that the word head was applied to people with authority … ‘but it was never applied to a person without governing authority.’
So, in the Biblical view of marriage, the husband is the head and that means he has authority.
Second, the Greek word for ‘submit’ does not imply inferiority or servility, but voluntary yielding out of love and respect.
OK, so we’ve seen Paul’s instruction for wives. What has he got to say to husbands? He has more to say and it’s even more challenging and astounding. Let’s go on to verse 25.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Wives should submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ. Husbands, on the other hand, should love their wives as Christ loves the church! Tough or what?!
How did Jesus show his love for the church?
He gave up his glory and took on human nature. He went to the cross and paid the penalty for our sins. He put our interests first and his interests second. He became a servant to us.
Tim Keller wrote a great book about marriage. In it, he comments, ‘And that … is the key not only to understanding marriage but to living it.’
I don’t expect those of us who are husbands to physically die for our wives. But day by day, in small ways, we should do that. Let me give a simple and rather banal example.
John is married to Jane. John likes motor racing. Jane likes gardening. Jane asks John if he can help her to move some stones in the garden. There’s some motor racing on television on Sunday afternoon and John wants to watch it. But Sunday afternoon is also the only time he can help Jane in the garden. So, he goes and helps her. They have a nice time and it’s all smiles. He catches up with the motor racing later.
But let’s change the story a bit. Jane wants help in the garden, but she’s a bit proud. ‘I can move those rocks by myself’, she thinks. ‘I don’t need John’s help!’ John settles down to watch the motor racing. Jane, in the meantime, labours away in the garden and hurts her back. John would have been pleased to help but he didn’t know what Jane was up to in the garden, and Jane never said anything. At the end of the day, Jane is grumpy, and John isn’t happy either.
Husbands need to love their wives as Christ loved the church. That means taking the role of a servant. But wives, don’t assume that your husband knows where you need help. And don’t be proud. Tell him!
Let’s go on to verses 26 and 27.
…that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
The goal of Christ’s love for the church is that he might sanctify her and that she might ultimately be holy and without blemish.
I gave an example of a husband serving his wife and I said it was a bit banal. Christ’s love for the church has a far loftier goal. He wants to make us perfect! Husbands, since we are supposed to love our wives as Christ loved the church, that should be our goal for our wives too.
I baulk at this. It seems to me very arrogant to imagine that I can help Priscilla become perfect. But that’s what Paul is saying. What does it mean in practice?
I must remember that it is Christ who is sanctifying the church – but perhaps I can play a part. I should try to encourage everything Priscilla does as an expression of faith. I should try to be a great example in my own life. I should look for ways in which both of us can be spiritually nourished – for example by going to the Keswick Convention or going for a retreat at Lee Abbey. We can have a practice of reading the Bible together and discuss it. I should pray for her. I can walk with her through the challenges life brings.
Perhaps those are a few ways that I can love Priscilla that are like the way Christ loves the church.
Paul now introduces a new argument for a husband to love his wife. Let’s move on to verses 28-31. This time, I’m going to use the NASB as it’s a slightly better translation.
So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are parts of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH [NASB].
Paul bases his argument on the most important verse about marriage in the Bible, Genesis 2:24.
The verse tells us that a husband is ‘joined to his wife’. The word ‘joined’ has the idea of clinging to something or sticking to something. Being joined means that there is a deep union between husband and wife such that they become, in effect, one entity.
Christ nourishes and cherishes his body: the church. Most people nourish and cherish their own bodies. A man’s wife is part of his body. So, when a husband loves his wife, he is loving himself! That’s a logical thing to do! For husbands, loving our wives is a way of loving ourselves. The equivalent is true of wives too, although Paul doesn’t mention that.
We’re almost at the end! Paul has two concluding things to say. Let’s go on to verses 32 and 33.
This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
I think that what this means is that a good Christian marriage is a picture, a living parable of Christ's love and care for the church. The gospel helps us to understand marriage and marriage helps us to present the gospel.
Now let’s move on to Paul’s final statement, in verse 33.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
In brief, what is expected?
From the husband, love. Christlike love. Sacrificial love.
From the wife, respect.
Respect doesn’t mean that a wife does whatever her husband wants. It doesn’t mean that she can’t offer a different view. But it does mean that she acknowledges that God has given her husband a position of headship. It does means that she allows her husband to lead. (Perhaps, when her husband gets old, she may have to take over.) It does mean that she listens to her husband.
That brings us to the end of Paul’s passage on marriage.
I’d like to make a few concluding observations.
First, God designed marriage. We may not agree with what Paul has taught. But I would strongly suggest that if we want a good marriage, we follow God’s plan.
Second, Paul has taught here about marriage. But let’s remember that he taught about marriage to exemplify a principle. When we, as God’s people, are filled with the Spirit, one of the ways it will be evident is that we are willing to submit to one another. Paul’s teaching in this passage applies to marriage, but it goes beyond it to the subject of submission in general.
Third, a Christian husband and wife are joined to each other. As part of the church, they are also joined to Christ. Therefore, a Christian husband and wife are joined to each other AND Christ. Christ is a part of a Christian couple’s marriage and needs to be. Inside my wedding ring there is a little inscription: ‘P.B.’ then a cross, then ‘S.B.’ P.B. is Priscilla, S.B. is me, and the cross is Jesus. That inscription is my declaration that I want Jesus to be in the centre of Priscilla and my marriage.
Fourth, marriage is great. But we shouldn’t think that marriage can solve all our problems. Someone called Jimmy Evans wrote: ‘The first thing you need to understand in order for your marriage to work is this simple truth: no human being can meet your deepest needs. Only God can.’
Marriage won’t meet our deepest needs, and our marriage is not our highest priority.
We should certainly work hard at our marriage. It is hugely valuable. But our greater goal must be to seek God’s glory and play our part in his mission.
Talk given at Rosebery Park Baptist Church, Bournemouth, UK, 10.30 a.m. service, 31 August 2025
