Marriage Part 3: When Two Becomes One
Scripture: Genesis 2:24; First Corinthians 11:8-9, 11-12
Good morning Strangers Rest. This is part three of my marriage series and today’s title is “When Two Becomes One.” So far in this series I have shared with you what God’s word says about the roles of the spouses in a marriage. I told you that although their roles differ in the marriage, they are equal spiritually in the eyes of God. There was a reason that God made a woman as a help meet, suitable for Adam and we see that reason in Genesis 2:24, which tells us, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” If you are wondering why I keep reminding you of the same Scriptures pertaining to marriage it’s because repetition builds memory. By the end of this series hopefully these Scriptures will be planted firmly in your hearts. This morning, I will be focusing on the two individuals becoming one. Martin Luther said, “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” When this happens in a marriage, truly the two have become one.
Before I go further let me pause and repeat something I said in both previous messages. The two becoming one is not simply about sexual intimacy, although that is important, but it goes much deeper than that. Sexual intimacy is extremely important in a marriage, and this is why God says the man “shall be joined to his wife and they shall be one flesh.” Each couple must help their spouse understand and appreciate what fulfills them. This requires open and honest conversations which will come when you begin to do the other things I will talk about in this message.
One last point for clarification, two becoming one flesh does not mean that you become the “same” person. You are still two separate individuals, and you do not lose your individuality and become one identity. Tim Keller wrote in his book “The Meaning of Marriage” that “Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.” Keep this in mind as we go through this message together. Now, let’s get into the meat of this morning’s message.
We are going to begin with what Paul wrote to the Church in Corinth. In the eleventh chapter of First Corinthians, I will be reading verses eight, nine, eleven, and twelve from the Amplified Bible. One thing to remember, when the text says “woman” and “man,” it is talking about a “wife” and a “husband.” I want to make sure we are clear on this. This passage is not talking about a single woman or a single man. It reads, “(8) For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; (9) for indeed man was not created for the sake of woman, but woman for the sake of man…. (11) Nevertheless, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. (12) For as the woman originates from the man, so also man is born through the woman; and all things [whether male or female] originate from God [as their Creator].” (First Corinthians 11:8-9, 11-12 Amp) In verse nine we are given the reason again for the creation of woman – for the sake of man. When someone uses the term, for his/her “sake” it means for his or her behalf or good. In other words, Eve was made for the benefit or good of Adam. Adam became better because of Eve, and he could do more because he had someone who was like him walking beside him.
As I have said in parts one and two, God did not make a slave or servant for Adam. A slave or servant does not have the rights of the master, only the rights given to him by the master. But a spouse, a helpmeet, has the same rights of the other – they fulfill one another. A helpmeet can meet the needs of her spouse like no one else can – because she knows him in ways that no one else does. I want to make sure you understand that although society has distinct roles for men and women, God sees us as one when we come together in marriage. That is what Paul was referencing in verse eleven about neither being independent of the other. When a man and a woman come together as one, they must learn how to be one in God’s eyes and it’s more than the physical union. The two must be committed to merging two lifestyles into one. Let me demonstrate.
I have asked Dea. Louis and Sis. Angie to help me with this demonstration. What you’re about to see is how two become one and I will reference what you will see later in the message.
(For those of you reading this sermon, the demonstration consisted of having one couple come down and sit side by side in two chairs facing opposite directions. I had each person separately stand up and move around to demonstrate how while we are single we can do whatever we want without consideration of a partner. The next step was for them to tie a string around both their arms – each using on one hand. This was to demonstrate how the two had to give up something (one arm) to come together. Finally, after the string is tied, I asked one of them to stand up and move to show that now their spouse had to move with them and follow their lead indicating oneness.)
From the demonstration you saw when each person was single they could move without consideration of the other. Once they got engaged, they began having discussions that started them on the road to becoming one. Then suddenly they were married and were now one – on paper and in God’s eyes. Still, they were separate individuals emotionally and spiritually. When I had them tie their arms together using their less dominant hand, could you see their struggle in coordinating with each other using only one hand? Finally, they could no longer move without the other – and this is what happens when we go through the marriage vows and say, “I do.” We become one with another person and we must start learning how to live and function as one. This is a simple demonstration of Genesis 2:24 “…and they shall become one flesh.” So how do two individuals become one flesh?
Before I go further, I need the men to understand something. Last Sunday I spoke to the wives about submission and there was no disagreement from the men that we expect our wives to submit to our leadership. But and this is important, we must be willing to submit to them also. There is no way that two can become one if only one spouse is willing to submit. Paul gave this instruction to husbands and wives when he wrote the following in Ephesians chapter five, “(1) Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. (2) And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma…. (21) Submitting to one another in the fear of God.” (Ephesians 5:1-2, 21) The only way the two can become one is that both must be willing to submit to one another in the fear of God.
We also see this in First Peter 3:7. Peter wrote, and I will be reading from the Amplified Bible, “In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.” (First Peter 3:7, Amp) I want you to focus on the phrase “In the same way.…” This phrase requires something parallel to the preceding commands – meaning that with the command to do something “in the same way” you have to know what the original “way” was. So, what commands preceded this verse? Well First Peter 2:13 (Amp) said to “Submit yourselves to [the authority of] every human institution for the sake of the Lord [to honor His name], whether it is to a king as one in a position of power.”
Then verse eighteen of chapter two says, “Servants, be submissive to your masters with all [proper] respect, not only to those who are good and kind, but also to those who are unreasonable.” (First Peter 2:18, Amp) Lastly verse one of chapter three says, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate, not as inferior, but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands and their accountability to God, and so partnering with them] so that even if some do not obey the word [of God], they may be won over [to Christ] without discussion by the godly lives of their wives.” (First Peter 3:1, Amp) So when Peter writes, “In the same way, you husbands…” in First Peter 3:7 the only command supplied by the context is “submit” and “submit” fits the context perfectly. Peter’s description of wives as “fellow heir of the grace of life” shows that God recognizes a wife’s equal standing in Christ with her husband. So, for the two to become one flesh, both must be willing to submit to one another. So, what does being one flesh look like?
Have you have ever heard the saying “An apple does not fall to far from the tree of its origin?” We are products of our environment. Whether good or bad, that is who we are. Although you would physically look the same, had any of you grown up in a different household, you would be a different person. When we are born, we are the physical genetic makeup of our parents. We are the raw ingredients like flour. Now what we become depends on what is done with the ingredients and what is added to it. So, if I start with just flour (the core of a person) and I add sugar, eggs, cocoa, butter, and a few other things, I could end up with a chocolate cake. But, if I added something different, I could end up with say biscuits or sugar cookies. The foundation (flour) is the same but it’s what added to it that makes the final product. So it is when two people with different background marry, it’s the same as a cake marrying a biscuit. According to the word of God, the cake and the biscuit must now become one. How is that done?
As babies we are like flour and it’s the other ingredients, both good and bad, that make us into a cake or biscuits. What would happen if you were able to remove some of those ingredients and mix in others? You would not necessarily have chocolate cake or biscuits, but you could end up with something else. By changing a few ingredients and not adding more, you take what was chocolate cake and biscuits and make sugar cookies – something just as good. Please stay with me here. We are the physical result of our parents becoming one flesh. Once we were here, other things were added to make us who we are today, primarily by our parents or the individuals taking the role of our parents. These ingredients may not have all been the best or positive, yet they continue to influence us. When we marry, we must choose the ingredients we keep versus those we will give up being joined to our spouse.
When we marry, we bring two people from two diverse backgrounds together. Each of us brings our “normal” with us. What we grew up with and exposed to daily is what is normal to us. Things are abnormal when they are different from what we are accustomed to. Understanding this is the beginning point for bringing oneness to the marriage. Have you ever asked your spouse “why do you do that?” Or “why do you cook it that way?” Let me share an example of this. A mother was getting ready to bake a ham and before putting it into the pan, she cut off the ends. Her daughter looked at the pan and saw that there was room in it for the whole ham, so she asked her mother why she cut off the ends since the pan seemed to be large enough. The mother replied that's the way her mother always cooked the ham. What she later learned was that her mother did it because the pan she used was too small to hold the ham so she cut off the ends so it would fit the in the pan. Do you see the lesson that was taught indirectly?
A lot of times we develop habits based on what we have seen our parents do – indirect teachings. Your marriage and how you view your marriage is comprised in some ways of what you learned from your parents indirectly. We are teaching our children now, directly, and indirectly, what to do in their marriage and we must be aware of this. So, fathers, if you want your daughter to grow up and potentially marry a man who is going to treat her like you treat her mother keep doing what you’re doing. But be warned, if she witnessed you consistently verbally abusing and disrespecting her mother and then she marries a man like you, do not get upset when he is verbally abusing and disrespecting your daughter and she accepts it. Just remember that you taught her that behavior was ok by how you treated her mother. And mothers, if you want your son to grow up and marry a godly woman that he verbally abuses and disrespects because that is what he witnessed in your house, stay quiet. If you allow that behavior in your home I promise you that your son will potentially become his father and treat his wife as he saw his father treat you. For those of you who are single and are in a relationship where you are considering marrying the person, I advise you to watch closely how your fiancée’s parent treat one another because it will have an impact, positively or negatively, on your marriage. Direct and indirect teachings – we are all the products of the households we grew up in.
When you think of your marriage and how you do some things, think about your parents. Did they do it the same way? For example, how did your parents manage conflict? Did they address it openly, or did they ignore the true issue and hope that it went away? Now, consider how you deal with conflict. Did what you witnessed from your parents have any impact on what you are doing now? What about how you express emotions? Are you like your parents or have you made different choices based on what you saw in your parents? What about how your parents celebrate holidays and take vacations? Have their actions had an impact on you? These are all safe questions to ask and answer, yet there is much more that lies beneath.
All of us at some point in time reflect on what we know about our parents’ relationship. We think about the positive and the negative. We make decisions about what we want and don’t want in our marriage based on what we witnessed in our parent’s relationship. We hold secrets from our spouse about our insecurities based on things that happened in our families when we were growing up. These insecurities become personal trials for us daily. Our spouses wonder why we do certain things, and we can’t explain it, or refuse to because it would reveal a side of us that we need to protect. Sometimes after they have been around our family and us for an extended period they begin to understand.
When we marry we must decide how to be one with our spouse and that will mean giving up something to receive something else. The thing that hinders this is our own selfishness. Feelings of selfishness and self-centeredness are natural to all of us but are harmful to the health of a marriage. During our engagement and early marriage, we find ourselves experiencing an elevated level of romance and emotional closeness. But as time goes by, we sometimes feel more distant. If you think about it, one of the main reasons that people marry is to have a close, personal relationship with another person. But this intimacy does not come easily just because you marry. This can be explained in a variety of ways, but the central theme is always the same, selfishness.
Paul wrote something to the church in Philippi that I think is important to a couple becoming one flesh especially as it relates to our selfish behaviors. He wrote, and again I will be reading from the Amplified Bible, “(3) Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. (4) Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4) What would happen in our marriage if we replaced selfishness with humility and placed the needs and interests of our spouse before our own? What would happen if we took the stance that our spouse is more important to us than we are to ourselves? Do you see how this could have influence in the two becoming one? When both spouses choose to give up something within themselves to receive something from their spouse they can become one flesh.
Solomon wrote in Proverbs 24:3-4 says “(3) Through [skillful and godly] wisdom a house [a life, a home, a family] is built, and by understanding it is established [on a sound and good foundation], (4) and by knowledge its rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” (Proverbs 24:3-4, Amp) Solomon says to build a house (marriage/family) you must have wisdom, understanding and knowledge. The house is built with wisdom. In other words, how the foundation and the building of the marriage is done will require wisdom. Once the marriage is built, it will be established with understanding. There is a vast difference between building something and establishing it. You can build it, and it could never be established. To be established means it has purpose, it has meaning. Finally, by knowledge the rooms are filled with precious and pleasant riches. What knowledge? Knowing and understanding our spouse, their needs, wants, desires, fears, etc. To build our marriage we must have wisdom, and it must be used. To establish our marriage, to put it on a firm foundation, we must have plenty of understanding. Finally, if these are done correctly, we will have riches in our relationship.
As I close I want you to think about the ingredients that have been added to you which make you who you are. What will you have to give up, unlearn or walk away from to be one with your spouse? Can you do it? Can you keep the positive from your parents while modifying some things to build something new, different, and wonderful? It doesn’t matter how long you have been married, today can be the beginning of the best marriage of your life. It’s never too late to start building your marriage into what God wants it to be. If you’re the chocolate cake and you’re married to a biscuit, you have the making for sugar cookies which is just as good. All you must do is remove some personal ingredients and add something different. Are you willing to do this?
If you are not married and planning to get married, are you willing to become something else while keeping the core of who you are to build something new? Remember, two becoming one in marriage means that they are striving to always work better together and to understand each other better. They also acknowledge the other person’s freedom to be their own, God-given self. This means that they sometimes must make sacrifices to accommodate or help their spouse. In part four we will deal with the “Four Horsemen” that will ruin a married if not dealt will quickly and decisively.
Until next time, “The Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)
