SHOULD I SAY YES OR SHOULD I SAY NO?
MARRIAGE SEMINAR FOR THE YOUTHS AND THE MARRIED.
TEXT: LK. 14:28-30
28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? 29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, 30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. 31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand? Luke 14:28-31
INTRODUCTION
WHY THE QUESTION?
Marriage negotiation can be a very risky venture because no one knows tomorrow. We can only as human make some subjective and objective projections and calculation which in the end may not be accurate.
Marriage is like a black market. In the market you will not be sure of what is in wrapper until you open it up or you start using it.
Marriage transaction is not an objective science but social science where all our projections depends on the human operators. When you project as an economist that when the price of good is less consumers will buy more, there are some instances that they buy less because of so many human factors.
Our experience of the misfortunes that befell others in marriage is one of the reasons for asking the question. We have seen some who were doing well before getting married and their marriage killed their hope and joy
THE REASONS WHY YOU MUST ASK YOURSELF THE QUESTION: SHOULD I SAY YES, SHOULD I SAY NO?
In this world we have to understand action and reaction. Newton's third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This means that any time an object exerts a force on another object, the second object exerts a force of equal magnitude but in the opposite direction on the first object. When you are proposing to get marry you are indirectly making a move that will be resisted by some kind of forces.
What are those forces?
• The devil will resist you because he is not in support of unity.
• Your spouse will resist you because you want to gain control and resist her/ his freedom.
• Your parents may oppose you because you are trying to separate yourself from them.
• Some of your opposite sex friends will resist you because they think that they should have been the one chosen as your partner
• Financial forces will resist you because money is never enough.
The consequences of saying yes?
Marriage is like building a house and you have to consider the cost before you start or else you may not be able to finish it bearing in mind that marriage comes to an end when death separates us.
Today, we are going to talk about what you need to consider before you say yes, I do.
Firstly, you have to consider your family, the family that you belong to and where you are loved and catered for. What is it to consider about it? That you are leaving it forever. The major problem we have with marriage today is that many of us want to keep two family at the same time.
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Matthew 6:24
Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24.
Before you say yes, I do. You have to consider that marriage brings responsibility. How do we define responsibility?
Responsibility is the state or fact of having a duty to perform with something or having control over someone.
It implies being accountable for one's actions and their outcomes, and it involves fulfilling obligations or tasks that are entrusted to a person.
In a more detailed sense, responsibility includes the following:
Being Reliable. Others can depend on you to complete tasks or meet commitments. Gen. 18:19.
• Being Accountable. Taking ownership of your actions, decisions, and their consequences. Ex. 9:27; Num. 22:24; Jos. 7:20.
• Acting Ethically. Making decisions and taking actions that are morally right and respectful of others/ cultures. 2 Sam. 13:11-13; Lev.18:9.
• Managing Obligations. Handling duties effectively, whether in personal, professional, or societal contexts. Eccl. 9:10;
• Exercising Good Judgment. Making wise decisions that reflect your roles and responsibilities. 1 Kgs. 3:16-27; Lev.19:15. Once you are married you have to play the role of husband or wife. You cannot behave like a bachelor or a child that is under parental tutelage.
Before you say yes, I do. Try to understand that things that are opposite in nature and character hardly stay together without some kind of modifications and adjustment. Light and darkness cannot stay together, male and female will have to do some adjustment so they both can live peaceably.
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
Certain things do not always agree to be together. Iron and clay, cat and dog, light and neutral, frying oil and water. So, before you say yes make you are saying that to the person you can peaceably live with for the rest of your life.
Before you say yes, I do. Look beyond the physical because the person you want to marry is both physical and spiritual being.
And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:23
You should love what you see but you should go beyond that to make sure that the spirit that lives in you also lives in the person and finally you must make sure that the soul of the person agrees with yours. What I am saying in essence is this:
For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light;
and reproofs of instruction are the way of life:
Let the law of God guide you in your choice of a partner so that you will not base your love and interest on mere beauty and attractions. This law will prevent you from fallen into the hands of strangers.
24 To keep thee from the evil woman,
from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman.
25 Lust not after her beauty in thine heart;
neither let her take thee with her eyelids.
26 For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread:
and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life Proverbs 6:23-26
Before you say yes make you study and understand how male and female are wired. If you understand the nature of men and women your problem in marriage will be lesser that those who took human nature for granted.
What are the ways of women and men?
• Women are highly emotional as opposed to the men counterparts.
• The men are egoistic and want the women to know this. Anything short of respecting their ego could bring misunderstanding in marriage.
• Women are blessed with ability to engage in conversation most men are not and this could be misinterpreted by both sides.
• Men prefer to use force women prefer to use entreaties.
• When a man loves a woman, he keeps the secret in his mind but women are not please when it is not verbalized.
• Women love a man of money and women do not like a man who wants to take their money from them.
• Women prefer a man who has a fighting spirit as long as he is fighting for her and not against her.
Saying yes will make you a servant of someone, your husband or your wife and your children become your boss that you have to serve them one time or the other in the course of the marriage. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Ephesians 5:22-24
Saying yes may turn you to a sex machine for your partner. You should be ready for this because it is not always enjoyable to satisfy someone else erotic desire.
Saying yes could turn someone to a caregiver when the other become sick or completely invalid. Remember how Job became invalid with sickness and the wife could not bear it that she told him to die.
Saying yes could make you to support the wrong course that your partner is supporting, even when you do not want to do so. Examples abound where husband and wife had to support a wrong course because of their partner. Acts. 5:1 (Ananias and Shapira), Jud. 16:4-12 (Samson and Delilah). Today, when we do a critic of Samson and Delilah, Ananias and Shapira we often fail to realise that husband and wife are supposed to speak with one voice and never to hide things from each other. Martially, these two families have done well but spiritually they have performed woefully.
On the other hand, Nabal’s wife Abigail did not do well in that she and her husband do not agree. Listen to what her comment on her husband before a stranger. Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send. 1 Samuel 25:25
WHY WOULD A PERSON SAY NO TO A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL?
There are various reasons why a person may say no to a marriage proposal. There are personal reasons as much as other reasons that no other person can understand apart from the one deciding.
A person can say no because he or she is not ready for a marital life. It could be looked on as a distraction from what one is presently pursuing.
A person may say no because he/she has no physical attraction that could sustain a life-long marital relation.
I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me:
my mother's children were angry with me;
they made me the keeper of the vineyards;
but mine own vineyard have. Song of Songs 1:6.
A person may say no because of economic reasons. This economic reason may be multifaceted: it could be that one is not presently capable of sustaining a marriage or it could be that a partner feels that a person who promised to sustain it may not be able to do so in the long run. 8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially, for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 1 Timothy 5:8.
A person may say no because of lack of trust. Lack of trust in the other person. You can only feel save with the person you can trust. Since marriage is deeper than mere friendship it should only involve two people who completely trust each other. Trust will make someone to believe that where you said you were going is exactly where you went. It will make your partner to trust you when you are doing business with opposite sex. 6 Lo, thou trustest in the staff of this broken reed, on Egypt; whereon if a man lean, it will go into his hand, and pierce it: so is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all that trust in him. Isaiah 36:6.
A person may say no because his or her expectations are at variance with the other person’s. There are so many kinds of expectations: family, economic, academic, social and religious. Expectation is a strong belief about what the future holds or what one wants to be in the future. If what you want to . 3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
4 Will a lion roar in the forest, when he hath no prey. Amos 3:3.
A person may say no because of fear of failure which had been experienced in a previous attempt at marriage or an unpalatable experience witnessed in that of the other people, most especially those who are close relatives and friends.
3 Simon Peter saith unto them, I go a fishing.
They say unto him, We also go with thee. They went forth, and entered into a ship immediately; and that night they caught nothing. John 21:3.
A person may say no if he or she is being pressured into marriage, most especially if the initiative is from external forces or pressures from parents and community or certain culture. Pressure from parents may be in choice who either want their children to marry their parent’s choice person or their choice career person. Some girls have had to reject early marriages organised by their parents while still in school: this normally happen under Islamic regulated communities, most especially where the parents are not educated and see nothing valuable in education.
A person may say no because there are medical challenges known to him/her that may not allow marriage to work, or if known to the other party may cause rejection. 43 And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, Luke 8:43.
A person may say no because there are some spiritual forces at work. People outside Africa may not comprehend this fact but we have in the past heard from some girls who claimed that they have been given in marriage to a deity and as such marriage to them is a forbidden fruit.
A person may say no just because he or she does not believe in marriage and does not want to get married to anyone rather she prefers to be free and live as freemen and women.
WHAT ARE CONSEQUENCES OF SAYING NO?
When a person says no to a marriage proposal, that person may have to live with emotional probes of supposing I was wrong in my decision and If indeed that person was wrong there will be trauma associated with that decision.
When a person says no because he or she feels more concerned about career or profession when the career is achieved there might not the opportunity for marriage or that when he now says yes, the possible partner may then say no.
When you say no to a genuine lover you may cause the partner emotional stress and deteriorating relationship.
When you say no you may have the opportunity to organise your life better and make a very good decisions for your future marital life.
When you say no you will be able to reflect on what you want and what may be good for you.
In some society you may be subjected to ridicule because a marriageable person who is not married is seen as not complete.
IT IS ADVISABLE FOR US TO SAY NO TO STRANGE LOVERS
What is strange?
"Strange" is an adjective used to describe something that is unusual, unexpected, or out of the ordinary. Therefore, a strange woman or man is a person that has the following characteristics
Unfamiliar,
Mysterious, or
Difficult to comprehend.
It is my advice to you therefore to be careful of anyone you meet and his/her actions are unfamiliar. An unfamiliar person exhibits unfamiliar attitudes, behaviours and abilities. "Unfamiliar" is a word used to describe something that is not known or recognized by someone. It refers to things, people, or situations that are new, strange, or not previously encountered.
When something is unfamiliar, it can evoke a sense of curiosity, confusion, or even discomfort because it is outside of one's usual experience.
Do not marry anyone that is unfamiliar to your family and friends
Do not have anything to do with a person who is not known in the church of God
Do not have anything to do with anyone whose presence causes confusion among friends and family.
Do not hang out with a person you or your friends and family do not know much about.
Do not hang out with someone who is a complete stranger
Do not hang out with a new person in town, village and city.
In another hand, a mysterious person is a person having a personality beyond the ordinary. When doing a classification, a mysterious person will not fit in any of it. If you meet a person who tells you all you are doing in secret, a person who has answer to all questions or a person who can tell you things beyond his age you can begin to think of having met a mysterious human.
The following attitudes are known with a mysterious person:
• He is reserved in nature and hardly reveal himself because he does not want to be known
• He is ambiguous in speech and character that might be open to diverse interpretation by many people.
• He is unpredictable to the extent you cannot pin in down any probability of action.
• Very observant and read meaning to almost every human action and the environment where he lives or finds himself.
• Another attitude of a stranger is that he or she is such a difficult person. When we say that someone is difficult what exactly are we talking about?
• A difficult person is usually stubborn and self-opinionated. He does not change even when confronted with facts and reasons.
• Very aggressive. He is very aggressive and intimidating and raising voice at every discussion.
• Always blaming every other person to make them look stupid and incompetent.
• Very manipulative in character. A careful study of him shows that he a always manipulating other people or the situation to his own advantage and to the disadvantages of other people.
• Not reliable. You cannot commit anything to them and feel save. Their yes may actually mean no why their no is actually yes.
• Not responsible but blaming. In all things they never take responsibility and so find it difficult to say sorry or apologies for their actions or inactions.
• Inflexible to make a change and accept reality
• The critics who sees the wrongs only and never see the rights.
• Non – trusting. Difficult persons are hardly trusting their partner. Every action the partner took is misinterpreted as unfaithfulness. and because they do not trust, they usually set traps to prove the unfaithfulness of their partner.
• What are the characteristics of a stranger who wants you in marriage?
• He is not whom you want but something you cannot understand keep attracting you to him or her.
• The stranger has something to hide and which he will hide jealously.
• You will be discovering, though faintly, that he or she is someone else than what you are seeing.
• You will discover that the stranger wants something else greater than just marrying you.
• The stranger will desperately want to separate you from the following group of persons:
Those who genuinely love you
Those who have the capacity to tell you the truth.
Those who can see what you cannot see, since you are presently blind by the stranger’s love.
Those who can help you make correct decisions
The church or the association you belong to where you could get help and assistance to break free.
What the Bible says about strange woman:
16 To deliver thee from the strange woman,
even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; Proverbs 2:16
3 For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb,
and her mouth is smoother than oil: Proverbs 5:3
20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman,
and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
5 That they may keep thee from the strange woman,
from the stranger which flattereth with her words.
Proverbs 7:5
17 Bread of deceit is sweet to a man;
but afterwards his mouth shall be filled with gravel.
18 Every Proverbs 20:16
27 For a whore is a deep ditch;
and a strange woman is a narrow pit. Proverbs 23:27
13 Take his garment that is surety for a stranger,
and take a pledge of him for a strange woman. Proverbs 27:13
