SICK LOVE (2 SAMUEL 13:1-22)
According to a team of scientists led by Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers, love can be broken down into three categories: lust, attraction (not physical), and attachment. Each category is characterized by its own set of hormones stemming from the brain (Table 1). Though there are overlaps and subtleties to each, each type is characterized by its own set of hormones. Testosterone and estrogen drive “lust,” while dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin create “attraction,” and oxytocin and vasopressin mediate “attachment.” https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/
The six sons David fathered in exile were Amnon from Ahinoam, Kileab from Abigail, Absalom from Maacah (daughter of the king of Geshur), Adonijah from Haggith, Shephatiah from Abital, and Ithream from Eglah (2 Sam 3:2-5). The three notorious As – Amon, Absalom and Adonijah (1 Kings 1) – featured prominently in David’s life. After he was king, David had more sons and daughters from the concubines and wives he took in Jerusalem (2 Sam 5:13). David’s sons and today’s readers, however, could not figure out whether he was a friend, a father or a foe to them.
How do you characterize your relationship with your parents, family and siblings? How have you helped them or hurt them? What can we do to treasure our children, parents or siblings?
True Love is Sacred, Not Scandalous
1 In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. 2 Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. 3 Now Amnon had a friend named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David's brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. 4 He asked Amnon, "Why do you, the king's son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won't you tell me?" Amnon said to him, "I'm in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister." 5 "Go to bed and pretend to be ill," Jonadab said. "When your father comes to see you, say to him, 'I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.'" 6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand." 7 David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him."
Incest is human sexual activity between family members or close relatives. The incest taboo is one of the most widespread of all cultural taboos, both in present and in past societies. Most modern societies have laws regarding incest or social restrictions on closely consanguineous marriages. A common justification for prohibiting incest is avoiding inbreeding, a collection of genetic disorders suffered by the children of parents with a close genetic relationship. Such children are at greater risk of congenital disorders, developmental and physical disability, and death; that risk is proportional to their parents' coefficient of relationship, a measure of how closely the parents are related genetically. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest
The most scandalous thing happened in David’s family, but David the parent was the last to know. His eldest son Amnon fell in love with half-sister Tamar. Tamar was as “beautiful” as Sarai (Gen 12:11), Rachel (Gen 29:17) and Abigail (1 Sam 25:3) before her, but the Law forbade sexual relations with one’s sister or half-sister (Lev 18:9). Amnon’s unrequited ‘frustration” is translated as distressed Gen 32:7), vexed (2 Sam 13:2) and too narrow (Isa 49:19. It was an outrageous, offensive and objectionable obsession, more lust than love, more desire than devotion, more one-sided than mutual. His “illness” (v 2) can be translated as weak (Judg 16:7), diseased (1 Kings 15:23), wounded (1 Kings 22:34), grief (Isa 17:11) and travail (Jer 4:31). A reason (“ki”) was included in verse 2- for she was a virgin (v 2). Amnon was attracted to her body and beauty, regardless if she was his relative or sister.
Amnon’s cousin Jonadab commanded Amon with two imperatives (v 5) - “GO” and “ILL,” followed by two jussives or third person imperatives – “let her come” and “let her give,” and two purposes – “watch” and “eat.” Amnon’s lust was fanned, fueled and fed by the most treacherous, tasteless and twisted advice.
What was David’s part? First, David commanded Tamar with two imperatives “GO” and “DRESS” (v 7). The orders from the king and father were forceful, final but fatal. Second, more than merely permitted, David mightily persuaded Tamar to prepare food, unsure if he understood his son’s suggestion - “that I may eat at her hand.” (v 6) The father did not check or correct the outrageous, offensive and objectionable request. Third, he sent Tamar alone without friend, servant or brother. She was unaided, unaccompanied and unattended.
True Love is Safe, Not Strident
8 So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. 9 Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. "Send everyone out of here," Amnon said. So everyone left him. 10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand." And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11 But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, "Come to bed with me, my sister." 12 "Don't, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you." 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
Here are some quotes on forced love:
A forced love will never last, never beg to be loved. Never beg for attention.
Love does not obey the mind and turns to hate when forced.
The people can be compelled to fear but not to love.
Don’t find love, let love find you.
Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought. Pearl S. Buck
Love should be freeing, not binding.
Tamar’s innocent, impromptu and idealistic actions were contrasted with Amon’s evil intentions. She “took” some dough, “kneaded” it, “made the bread” in his sight, “baked,” “took” the pan and “served” (vv 8-9). Never in her mind could she imagine her half-brother was a monster brutalizing her, betraying her and blaming her. It was beastly and barbaric, illicit and insane, way beyond shameful, stupid and sickening!
Amnon was sinister and suspicious from the start. He “refused” (v 9 refused to eat) in the insistent “piel” (“surely”) verb. His verbs “SEND OUT” (v 9), “BRING” (v 10) and “COME” are imperatives, the inclusive “everyone/all” is repeated (v 9), and “I may eat” is “let me EAT” cohortative or first person imperative. Amnon’s “grab” is hold (Gen 21:18), prevail (Gen 47:20), strengthen (Gen 48:2), harden (Ex 9:12), strong (Deut 11:8) and force (Deut 22:25).
Tamar had no way out, no help around and nowhere to go, but she fought back with two jussives, or third person imperatives – not “FORCE” me and not “DO,” plus a reason (V 12, “ki”) – “(FOR) Such a thing should not be done in Israel!” His folly (v 11) is translated as vile (Judg 19:24) or villany (Isa 32:6), moral wickedness or wrong. “Disgrace” (V 13 shame, KJV) is reproach (Gen 30:23) and rebuke (Isa 25:8). WITH OR WITHOUT WINESSES, she would end up being the seducer and sinner. She ended with an imperative “SPEAK” and a second reason (”ki”) – FOR he will not keep me from being married to you (v 13). Rape (v 14) was the fate of Jacob’s daughter Dinah.
True Love is Strong, Not Sappy
15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, "Get up and get out!" 16 "No!" she said to him. "Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me." But he refused to listen to her. 17 He called his personal servant and said, "Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her." 18 So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing a richly ornamented robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornamented robe she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went. 20 Her brother Absalom said to her, "Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman. 21 When King David heard all this, he was furious. 22 Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.
A 2018 Pew Research survey found that half of young adults ages 18 to 29 say they rely on their parents a lot or some for emotional support. Among young adults, women are more likely than men to say they rely on their parents for emotional support (57% of young women rely on parents at least some vs. 42% of men). About one-third of men (31%) say they don’t rely on their parents at all for emotional support, compared with 19% of women. And among parents, while mothers (80%) are more likely than fathers (73%) to say they provide at least some emotional support for their children. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/10/23/majority-of-americans-say-parents-are-doing-too-much-for-their-young-adult-children
In another survey, parents reviewed a list of nine core values and were asked to list the top three they want their children to care most about. Honesty was first at 62%. Responsibility was second at 59% and respect was third at 52%. The others are kindness and hard work (both 40%), gratitude (19%) and courage (11%). https://character.org/parent-survey/
Verse 15’s “hatred” is unique. First, the noun “hatred” occurs twice in one verse for its only time in the Bible. Second, the verb “hate” occurs twice in the verse as well. Third, this is the only occasion for “intense hatred” or “great hatred” in the Bible. Fourth, not only did Amnon have “great hatred,” he had “very great hatred.” The hatred was increasing, intensifying and inflating.
Worse, Amon had no explanation for his emotional swing and shift, surge and swelling, spike and shutdown, but followed with two imperatives or commands in Hebrew – “get up” and “go out” (v 15) and “get out” and “bolt” (v 17). Tamar was devastated, disposed, desolate, despised and dishonored.
David felt “very angry” like that of Cain (Gen 4:5), the first person to feel that way in the Bible. The king, however, felt something but did nothing and said nothing. There was no discontent, disgust or discipline directed at Amnon. His anger was not followed by open criticism, obligatory punishment and outright rejection. There was no repentance, reprimand, restitution, only reprieve, relief and regret. David was as angry as he had ever been before in his life (2 Sam 12:5), but he spoke nothing and carried a small stick. David did not talk to Absalom or Tamar. As far as I know, David never issued an imperative in Hebrew to his sons, unlike to his daughter (v 7 “go” and “dress”).
Conclusion: Parents, teach your children to be godly, gentlemanly and grateful, not to be gullible, grandiose or gutless. Comfort them, counsel them, correct them, confront them and chastise them. Provers 3:11-12 says, “My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Have you spent the time to train, tame and transform their thoughts, talents and temperament?
