Should respect and courtesy be taught in elementary, middle, and high school classes along with writing and arithmetic? At the end of the last century ten states mandated that character education be included in the school curriculum and legislation; the issue was pending in many more states. A Gallup Poll found that two thirds of American adults favored moral education in public schools. The Department of Education awarded approximately $22.5 million in grants for character education programs in public schools since 1995. Not so long ago, the idea that “values” should be taught in public schools was anathema. Some oppose it, on the grounds that teaching values is akin to proselytizing, and whose values should be taught, anyway? The debate has changed significantly since then, as progressive values began to take up more and more of the educational agenda. Amazing what a difference a single generation can make. . . But the original question remains even more relevant today.
In the 40 years between 1960 and 2000 the family in our society changed drastically. There was a 400% increase in the divorce rate and a 200% increase in the number of children raised in single parent homes. Over 70% of pre-school age children had mothers who worked outside the home, and 80% of school age children came home each day to an empty house. The phrase “traditional family” means one mom, one dad, one marriage, children from that marriage only. But guess what? The traditional family is no longer typical. Only 1 out of 6 people in America fit into that category. The other 83% range from blended to broken to single-parent to who knows what. It shouldn’t take a social psychologist to recognize that the deterioration of the traditional family has hit the children the hardest. But unfortunately, until the social scientists start proving with statistics what most ordinary people already knew in their hearts, people just don’t want to listen.
In 1946, a poll was taken of high teachers, asking them to name the top offenses their students committed. They were:
1. talking
2. chewing gum
3. making noises
4. running in the halls
5. getting out of turn in line
6. wearing improper clothing and
7. not putting paper in the waste basket.
You can tell these teenagers were out of control. 50 years later what do you think the top offenses committed by teenagers are? In order, they are. . .
1. rape
2. robbery
3. assault
4. burglary
5. arson
6. murder
7. suicide.
We live in a different world, don’t we. Most would agree that the ideal for families is still the biblical model, but the fact is that 83% of Americans fall into a different category. And it all happened in 40 years.
A lot happened during the 40 years between the parting of the Red Sea and the arrival of the Israelites at the River Jordan, too. The generation that had refused to trust in God had died off; the new generation had spent their lives being led by God, fed by God, and taught by God. Now they were going to be entrusted with the next step of their journey, that of building a nation whose motto “In God We Trust” would be more than just a slogan.
Central to the success of that endeavor would be teaching the children. Because everything that God had given the Israelites would be lost if it could not be transmitted down through the generations, the instructions Moses gave them for how to do that were comprehensive and explicit. Their ability to equip their children to survive and prosper was not dependent upon having had obedient ancestors; they hadn’t. All they needed was to follow God’s instructions - from then on. Because of that, everything that we need to restore a lost generation to the blessings of God can be found in this same chapter.
Whatever kind of family situation you have, traditional or blended or single parent or something else, there are things you can do to help the people you love not only survive but prevail against the destructive pressures of society. The three principles for transmitting sound values found in this chapter help fireproof the healthy child, and help heal the wounded one.
Furthermore, these principles don't just apply to small children. Whatever age your children may be - even if they're grown and out of the house - you can use these principles to improve your relationship.
1. Encourage your children talk to you about God.
Because our spiritual life is so personal, sometimes it's hard to talk about it, especially for men. Unless you were raised with a tradition of leading family devotions, little in the American man’s upbringing has prepared you to talk about anything much beyond the superficial. However, in order to transmit Biblical values, both parents have to open up about things that may not be easy to talk about. For example, your children need to know that you pray. They need to know that you worship. They need to know that you love God.
But it's not enough just to talk to your children about God. In fact, many kids rebel because they get tired of “mom and dad preaching at me.” You need to let your children talk to you about God. Listen to what they say. Ask them what they think, respect the doubts and questions they might have. Give them permission to work through the sometimes difficult process of developing their own independent relationship with God. Admit that you don’t have all the answers, and seek God’s truth together. Ask them what's on their prayer list, and share with them the things that are on yours. To become strong spiritually, families need to develop the habit of talking about spiritual things without feeling awkward.
My godchildren’s mother Caryl is a lifelong and devout Episcopalian. When she asked me to be godmother, I had only been a Christian for about 3 years, I was in a denomination that many Presbyterians would consider fundamentalist, and she was a little nervous that we might disagree on some really important stuff. A few years later, though, Caryl told me that I had given her something that her more conventional church upbringing had never done, and that was the ability to talk about God and faith issues naturally as a part of everyday conversation.
“Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise.” [Deut 6:6 7]
You can't raise spiritually strong children on one - or even two - hours a week. It's a start, but it's not enough. It takes a day in, day out commitment. You've got to talk - not preach, but talk to your kids about the spiritual dimensions and implications of your daily lives. Your children need to see on going evidence that God is woven right into the fabric of your life. More than just talking about it, though, another thing you can do to transmit
sound values to your children is. . .
2. Establish rituals for your family
The Jewish people are known for ritual and tradition. Even Jews who don’t particularly believe in God often keep the rituals, believing that tradition is what gives them their identity as a people. The great musical "Fiddler on the Roof" begins with Tevye singing the song “Tradition”. Deuteronomy 6:8 9 mention two of those rituals. Verse 8 says, “Bind [these commandments] as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead.” Taking this literally, Jewish men developed a custom of wearing something called phylacteries - little pouches containing small parchments of scripture - when they prayed. Verse 9 says, “Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” This gave rise to the mezuza, a container of biblical texts attached to the right hand doorpost of the house. Whenever a person came in or went out, he or she would touch the mezuza, reminding them to take the word of God with them everywhere.
Personally, I think that these passages are metaphors for keeping God’s word close at all times. However, even though it may not have been exactly what God meant, these rituals were nonetheless meaningful for many people. Now, rituals which hold profound spiritual meaning for some people can be merely empty repetition for others. But all families have rituals. They may be formal or informal, but they are always there. Rituals are the recurring patten of events that says, “This is who we are. This is how we do things. This is what matters to us.” They don’t have to be specifically religious in order to help bind a family together, but the religious rituals pack a double whammy, so to speak. It’s great to read Dr. Seuss to your kids every night, but it’s even better to read the Bible and pray. All three of my godchildren were put to bed every night from the time they were born with “Jesus Loves Me.” What are your family’s religious rituals?
They are crucial to transmitting strong values because they build into your child an ongoing rhythm of attention to God as a daily part of life. Establishing meaningful family traditions drops an anchor into the spirit that will keep them from drifting too far away from their spiritual home when they come up against the temptations and opportunities that knock so many young people off track.
A third principle that helps transmit sound values is. . .
3. Encourage your family to learn from your example.
Like it or not, your kids will be like you. They might insist that they will never be like their parents, but the fact is, they will. How many of you have heard yourself saying something in the exact tone of voice and in the exact way that your parents said it you to 25 or 30 years ago? All of us. And for how many of you was it something that you vowed you would never say to your kids? It happens to everyone. Children often make deliberate choices to keep their lives from resembling their parents’ on the surface, but for the most part, the fruit still doesn't fall far from the tree. Without years of therapy they're going to be a lot like at least one of you. This can be good or bad, of course, depending on what you teach them.
There are some things you need to teach your children specifically - like to how to balance a checkbook, or how to play the violin, or how to change the oil in the car. You may be good at these things, but unless you take the time to teach your children step by step, they'll never learn. I have a friend whose mother is a great cook but her kids can’t boil water. She never let ‘em in the kitchen.
There are some things you can’t teach your kids, no matter how hard you try. What they are changes from one child to the next, maybe cleaning their room, or getting up in the morning, maybe throwing a ball or sewing a seam. They’re no more perfect than you were at that age.
At the other extreme, there are some things that you don't have to try to teach your kids, they’ll just pick it up - like lint. We all know how quickly children pick up words we wish they hadn’t. They learn an incredibly large amount through osmosis and observation. This is how they learn to respond to stress, how to treat strangers, what to do when the sales clerk gives you too much change, how you speak to someone you love, how you to speak to someone you love when you're angry at that person, how well you keep your promises, and on and on.
If you're not careful, your children could pick up all your bad habits and none of your good ones. But with just a little bit of effort you can actually maximize how much they learn of your strengths, and minimize the way they learn your weaknesses.
How do you do that? Encourage your family to learn from your example. Don’t hide your weaknesses; show them how God taught you and led you through them. “We were Pharaoh's slaves in Egypt, but YHWH brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand.” [Deut 6:21] One of the most important lessons you can teach your children is how to cope with mistakes and failure. Because they will make mistakes, and they will fail. Will they learn from you how to turn to God, repent, and begin again? Or will they learn from you to hide and justify and so repeat the error? Will they learn from you how to follow God through the wilderness, or will you give them the impression that real men never ask for directions? Say you’re sorry when you’re wrong, and they’ll learn how to do the same.
Enjoy and value your successes and strengths, but always refer back to the God who gave them to you. “God has brought you into . . . a land with fine, large cities that you did not build, houses filled with all sorts of goods that you did not fill, hewn cisterns that you did not hew, vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant.” [Deut 6:10-11] Give your children the opportunity to learn what you do well; encourage them to be better than you at the things you don't do well, rejoice if God has given them gifts you do not have. It’s all a gift anyway; the only one they cannot live without are the commandments.
Every generation crosses a river into a new land, taking with them lessons from their ancestors. Your ancestors may not have given you what you needed to travel the desert in safety, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late. While it’s true that we can’t teach our children lessons we haven’t learned ourselves, we can still learn alongside them, if we let God do the teaching. And then, when the time comes that they go on without you, into a promised land that you will only glimpse from afar, you can be confident that if you have done your part to place God’s word in their heads and hearts, “your children and your children's children’s days [will] be long in the land YHWH gives them.” Isn’t that worth a little extra effort?
