According to Esteban Ortiz-Ospina and Max Roser (Our World in Data), “Marriage, as a social institution, has been around for thousands of years. With things that are thousands of years old, it is easy to assume that they can only change slowly. But developments since the middle of the 20th century show that this assumption is wrong: in many countries, marriages are becoming less common, people are marrying later, unmarried couples are increasingly choosing to live together, and in many countries, we are seeing a ‘decoupling’ of parenthood and marriage. Within the last decades the institution of marriage has changed more than in thousands of years before.” It is my opinion that we are moving in the wrong direction and that God wants us to be in a world where marriage is a natural order of things, and that marriage should be Godly.
How can I have a Godly Marriage?
Understanding God’s purpose for marriage is critical to having a godly marriage. God created marriage as a covenant agreement between two people, a man and a woman, and Himself. “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’. So, they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”(Matt 19:6, NIV) (but please also read Mal 2:14). As husband and wife, the couple is united by God as “one flesh” both legally and spiritually. This three-way union, with God at the centre, forms the foundations on which to build a godly marriage.
God has a unique purpose for the marriage covenant. A good resource on this topic is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. In the book, the author explores the biblical concept that God’s intention for marriage is to make us more holy, not to make us happy. Christian marriage is a divine picture of Christ’s relationship with His bride, the church. Through His demonstration of love for us, Jesus Christ modeled how to love our marriage partner: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. . . . This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church . . . and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph 5:25–33, NIV).
Jesus came to serve and give Himself sacrificially for the church, which is what husbands are called to do in marriage. Everything a husband does he must have thought it through. “Will this be uplifting for my wife? Will she be edified? Will she be encouraged? Will this help my wife? If I do this, am I putting myself first or my wife first? A husband has to put his wife firmly at the centre of everything he does. In a marriage, the husband’s will must die so that the wife can flourish. And then because the husband is putting the wife first, the wife will submit to the husband because she sees that everything he is doing is for her benefit.
If you’ve been married for any length of time, you will understand the challenges of blending the lives and aspirations of two flawed and sinful people into one cohesive partnership. Marriage relationships are complex and complicated. We bring our emotional baggage and brokenness from past hurts into the mix. The only way to make a marriage work is for both partners to “follow God’s example, . . . and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” We must obey the Lord’s command to love our spouse unselfishly, laying down our wants and desires as Christ laid down his life for us. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” (1 John 3:16, NIV).
God’s purpose in the life of every believer, whether married or single, is spiritual transformation, as the believer is sanctified by the work of the Holy Spirit and conformed to Christ’s image. “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified” (1 Thess 4:3–7, NIV); and also (2 Cor 3:18; Heb 12:14). How different would our marriages look if we made it our life’s mission to help, support, serve, and pray for our spouse in his or her walk with Christ each day? Instead of focusing on our partner’s faults or our own unmet needs, what if we looked for ways to “love one another” in the completeness of God’s love (1 John 4:12, NIV)? Instead of focusing on our partner’s faults, we follow the instruction to “encourage one another daily” (Heb 3:13, NIV). Instead of focusing on our partner’s faults, let’s strive to “spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24, NIV), and “serve one another humbly” (Gal 5:13, NIV). Finally, instead of focusing on our partner’s faults, we should focus our attention on devoting to one another, honouring one another above ourselves (Rom 12:10, NIV), and being kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave us (Eph 4:32, NIV)?
A godly marriage requires deliberate effort and sacrifice. The foundation for a Godly marriage starts with our faith in God and our commitment to our covenant with Him and our spouse. Keeping Christ at the center of our relationship is vital to maintaining the health and success of our marriage.
Here are some basic practical guidelines for fostering a godly marriage:
• Pray together regularly (Col 4:2, NIV). Praying as a couple will strengthen your spiritual bond and bring you both closer to the Lord. Be authentic with each other, confess your sins, and share your struggles.
• Read the Bible together regularly (2 Tim 3:16–17; Ps 119:105).
• Attend church, worship together, and get plugged into the body of Christ. Serving and sharing your lives with other believers will build you up in faith and provide a network of friends and counselors to support you through challenging times (Heb 10:24–25).
• Make important decisions together (Amos 3:3).
• Keep the lines of communication open (James 1:19). Listen to your spouse to hear what he or she is saying. Be honest and sincere. Treat each other with kindness and respect. Be quick to forgive.
• Nurture the romantic side of your relationship (Prov 5:18). Remember to have fun together, hold hands, laugh together, and admire each other’s accomplishments.
You can have a godly marriage. Even if your marriage seems beyond repair, don’t give up. Be sure you have done everything within your power to give God time to restore the relationship. Seek out a trained marriage counselor. Consider that God may have brought you to this place in your marriage to work out a good purpose in your life and the life of your spouse (Rom 8:28). Remember that nothing is too difficult for God, Jesus himself said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Genesis 18:14; Jeremiah 32:17; Matthew 19:26). The Lord wants to make you holy, whole, and complete. Your difficulties in marriage may be the path He has chosen to transform you.
What does it mean to Leave and Cleave?
“Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen 2:24, KJV). Other translations render “leave and cleave” as “leave and be united” (NIV), “leave and be joined” (NASB), and “leave and hold fast” (ESV). So, what precisely does it mean to leave your father and mother and cleave to your spouse?
As recorded in Genesis chapter 2, God created Adam first, and then Eve. God Himself brought Eve to Adam. God Himself ordained that they would be joined together in holy matrimony. He said that the two of them would become one flesh. This is a picture of marital intimacy—the act of love that is never to involve anyone else. To “cleave” means “to adhere to, stick to, or join with.” It is a unique joining of two people into one entity. It means we do not quit when things are not going right. It includes talking things out, praying things through, being patient as you trust God to work in both of your hearts, being willing to admit when you are wrong, asking forgiveness, and seeking God’s counsel regularly in His Word.
If either spouse fails to both leave and cleave, problems will result in a marriage. If spouses refuse to truly leave their parents, conflict and stress result. Leaving your parents does not mean ignoring them or not spending any time with them. Leaving your parents means recognizing that your marriage created a new family and that this new family must be a higher priority than your previous family. If spouses neglect to cleave to each other, the result is a lack of intimacy and unity. Cleaving to your spouse does not mean being with your spouse every moment or not having meaningful friendships outside of your marriage. Cleaving to your spouse means recognizing that you are joined, essentially “glued,” to your spouse. Cleaving is key in building a marriage that will endure hard times and be the beautiful relationship that God intends it to be.
The “leave and cleave” in the marriage bond is also a picture of the union God wants us to have with Him. “Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him” (Deut 13:4 KJV). It means we leave all other gods, whatever form they may take, and join Him alone as our God. We cleave to Him as we read His Word and submit to His authority over us. Then, as we follow Him closely, we find that His instruction to leave father and mother to cleave to our spouse is to discover commitment and security, just as He intended. God takes His design for marriage seriously. Leaving and cleaving is God’s plan for those who marry. When we follow God’s plan, we will never be disappointed.
Making Marriage Last - What is the Key?
What can a married couple do to ensure that their marriage will last? The first and most important issue is one of obedience to God and His Word. This is a principle that should be in force before the marriage begins. God says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). For the born-again believer, this means not beginning a close relationship with anyone who is not also a believer. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Cor 6:14). If this one principle were followed, it would save a lot of heartache and suffering later in marriages.
Another principle that would protect the longevity of a marriage is that the husband should obey God and love, honour, and protect his wife as he would his own body (Eph 5:25–31). The corresponding principle is that the wife should obey God and submit to her husband “as to the Lord” (Eph 5:22). The marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. Christ gave Himself for the church, and He loves, honors, and protects her as His “bride” (Rev 19:7–9).
Building on the foundation of a godly marriage, many couples find practical ways to help make their marriages last: spending quality time together; saying, “I love you” often; being kind; showing affection; offering compliments; going on dates; writing notes; giving gifts; and being ready to forgive, for example. All these actions are encompassed by the Bible’s instructions to husbands and wives.
When God brought Eve to Adam in the first marriage, she was made from his “flesh and bone” (Gen 2:21) and they became “one flesh” (Gen 2:23–24). Becoming one flesh means more than just a physical union. It means a meeting of the mind and soul to form one unit. This relationship goes far beyond sensual or emotional attraction and into the realm of spiritual “oneness” that can only be found as both partners surrender to God and each other. This relationship is not centred on “me and my” but on “us and our.” This is one of the secrets to a lasting marriage.
Making a marriage last for a lifetime is something both partners have to make a priority. Couples whose marriages last celebrate their commitment to each other. Many couples make it a point not to even speak of divorce, even in anger. Solidifying one’s vertical relationship with God goes a long way toward ensuring the horizontal relationship between a husband and wife is a lasting, God-honoring one.
A couple who desires their marriage to last must learn how to deal with problems. Prayer, Bible study, and mutual encouragement are good. There is nothing wrong with seeking outside help; in fact, one of the purposes of the church is to “spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24). A struggling couple should seek advice from an older Christian couple, a pastor, or a biblical marriage counselor.
How can Married Christians avoid Emotional Affairs?
An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares emotional intimacy and support with an individual other than his/her spouse. Becoming emotionally intimate with someone other than one’s spouse can have a chilling effect on the marriage relationship; plus, emotional intimacy often progresses to physical intimacy, bringing devastation. Many people deny the seriousness of emotional affairs, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.
Marital partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one another and determine the boundaries of what can be shared outside the marriage and to whom. Having friendships outside of the marriage is a healthy thing, but a reliance on outsiders to meet emotional needs can become a temptation, especially when spouses spend much time apart. Co-workers and others with whom we spend large blocks of time can become a substitute for the emotional support of a spouse. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.
There are warning signs that an innocent friendship could be leading to an emotional affair. When we start to feel a need to hide aspects of a relationship, we are crossing a line into inappropriate territory. The emotional distance between spouses or an increase in the number of arguments may indicate one spouse is turning to another person for closeness. Intimacy requires closeness, and that cannot happen if a spouse gives his/her closeness to someone outside the marriage.
Christians should guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given to them. Here are some wise choices:
1. Do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite gender, especially someone you are attracted to.
2. Do not spend more time with another person than you do with your spouse.
3. Do not share intimate details of your life with anyone before sharing it with your spouse.
4. Live transparently. Do everything as if your spouse were present.
5. Devote personal time to prayer and Bible study. Ask God to put a hedge around your marriage (Job 1:10).
6. Maintain a pure thought life. Do not entertain fantasies about other people.
7. Plan time with your spouse on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and use those times to build emotional closeness.
All of these choices will help Christians to identify weak areas and avoid the temptation of emotional affairs.
Christian priorities put marriage and family second only to the Lord. God is the only one who can fully meet our needs, and He is the first priority. God designed marriage to unite two people into one (Gen 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matt 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship the way the Lord does and work on ways to strengthen it and build closeness. The Lord also forbids adultery or lusting for a person outside of marriage (Prov 6:25; Ex 20:14; Matt 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships (Prov 6:32; 1 Cor 6:9–20).
Many in the world believe that married partners need “space” to the point of leading separate lives to have a healthy relationship. In no way does the Bible advocate codependency. However, a marriage is by definition a life lived and planned together; it is interdependency. Those who do not understand God’s plan for marriage may think it is unhealthy to share everything with one person, but that is what makes marriage different from any other relationship. It is a blessed union between two people and mirrors that of Christ and His church.
Sharing intimacy with someone other than a spouse, whether the intimacy is physical or emotional, is a sin and a violation of trust.
What does the Bible say about an Unhappy Marriage?
One thing we know for sure: being in an unhappy marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In Mark 10:11–12 Jesus said, “A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery.” Based on the Bible, we see that people don’t have the right to dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Eph 5 presents marriage as a picture of the relationship God has with us. This is one reason why God has such an interest in keeping marriages intact. Failed marriages and broken homes are devastating to the husband and wife, not to mention the children involved. Financial ruin is only one of the unhappy results of divorce. The family unit is the basic building block of any society, and rampant divorce has a tragic impact on all of the culture.
This is not to say that God wants to force us to remain forever in an unhappy marriage. He doesn’t ask us to just grit our teeth and suffer through it. When God approaches marital problems, He does so from the perspective of how to fix them, not how to dissolve the marriage. For example, Paul writes of demonic impact in marriages (1 Cor 7:5). He states that the couple should be active in the sexual relationship so that Satan cannot tempt them. Peter encourages husbands to treat their wives with understanding so that their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). From these passages we can see that marriage is a spiritual battlefield. It takes work to fight for the relationship, not to fight in the relationship.
God encourages us toward reconciliation. Matt 18:15–16 demands open, honest communication that deals with hurts and frustrations caused by sin. It even encourages us to get help to resolve problems. God also calls us to find our joy or happiness in Him (Phil 4:4). The joy of the Lord is something you can have regardless of conditions. In all of God’s guidelines for experiencing joy, none of them require a spouse to cooperate. A spouse does not control our capacity to have joy or peace. Jam 1:3–4 tells us that deep, abiding joy comes as we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and as our faith matures and strengthens.
The book of Philippians is a great study of the difference between joy and happiness. Written by the apostle Paul while imprisoned in Rome, this book uses the words joy, rejoice, and joyful 16 times and teaches us how to have true contentment in Jesus Christ, despite our circumstances. In chains, Paul talks about his faith and trust in Christ and how it had changed his whole perspective on suffering.
God has given husbands clear-cut instructions in Eph 5:25–28: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.” To wives, God’s instruction is to submit to their husbands’ leadership (verse 22) and to respect their husbands (verse 33). In a Christ-like spirit, both are to submit to one another (Eph 5:21). If both spouses are living up to their biblical responsibilities, there will be joy and happiness in the marriage. What woman wouldn’t respect and submit to a man who loves her the way Christ loves His church? And what man wouldn’t love a woman who respects and submits to him? The unhappiness that is present in too many marriages is often a result of one or both parties refusing to submit to God and obey His revealed will for marriage. Sometimes the unhappiness is exacerbated by unresolved issues of one party that have leaked into the marriage. In those cases, individual counseling may be helpful in addition to marriage counseling.
Even if an unhappy marriage results from a believer being married to an unbeliever, there is always the possibility the believing spouse can lead the unbelieving spouse to the Lord by his or her chaste conduct and kind demeanor. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1). The Bible specifically addresses those who are married to unbelievers in 1 Cor 7:12–14: “… If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.”
In the end, we must remember that “the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil” (1 Peter 3:12). God knows the pain of an unhappy marriage, and He understands fleshly desires, but He has given His Word to us on this matter and He does ask for obedience. Obedience to God always brings joy (Rom 16:19).
