Civility 5
A little change in direction here.
We started this series on the Ten Commandments, back in June and after the first four commandments, there’s about to be an abrupt turn.
Last week, knowing that this week was going to be one of our three family Sundays this summer, I spoke on Commandment # 6, which of course is found in Exodus 20:13 You must not murder. I figured that might not be the most appropriate one with kids in the room, but I don’t know your family. Maybe you were hoping for a little pastoral reinforcement on how your kids are to treat their siblings.
And now we are going back to commandment # 5.
Let’s start with The What
The first four commandments dealt with our relationship with God. They were what I think of as vertical commands. With number five they have become horizontal commands in that they deal with our relationships with one another.
You might remember the first commandment was to not replace God, the second command was to not reduce God, the third was to not mock God, and the fourth was to honour God by celebrating His Sabbath.
But now the commands take a different direction, it’s as if God is saying, “Now that you’ve got our relationship straight let’s work on your relationship with others”. And so we go from the vertical to the horizontal.
And so, the fifth commandment reads Exodus 20:12 “Honour your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Interestingly, the child-parent relationship is the only personal relationship one that makes it into the Ten Commandments. We don’t see any reference on how to treat our spouse, other than the obvious do not commit adultery in the seventh command, or how to treat our children but we are told here that we must honour our parents.
And as I said, this is a turning point, but I also think it is a pivotal point, because how we view our parents is often coloured by how we view God. When we are little, our parents are de facto God for us. At least in the minds of little children, parents are all knowing and all seeing and hopefully loving and protecting.
They provide for us, and they take care of us, they can do what we can’t do, and we are completely dependent on them. I read once that when you feed and take care of a dog it thinks you are God, when you feed and take care of a cat it thinks it’s God.
And so, when we have accepted that we are to honour God, not reduce him and not to belittle him, that helps us to honour those that we viewed as God for so long.
And it is a circle, if you find it hard to honour and respect God, you will find it hard to honour and respect your parents. And conversely, if you find it hard to honour and respect your parents, you will find it hard to honour and respect God.
And I know, there are some of you listening today, either here in person or online, that this is really tough for.
You didn’t have a great relationship with either one or both of their parents. It may have been a physically or sexually abusive relationship. Or perhaps it was a controlling or a cold and distant relationship. And the thought of honouring those who you would consider dishonourable is tying you up in knots inside.
And I don’t want to minimize the hurt and trauma you are feeling. It is interesting that word that was used in the original language for honour, shares it’s root with the word hard or difficult. And it’s not always easy to honour someone who was dishonourable.
And God isn’t asking you to pretend it never happened. He doesn’t want you to fake it until you make it.
And he’s not asking you to put those feelings out of sight and to just get on with honouring someone who has betrayed you and hurt you.
Hopefully, some of those questions will be answered this morning.
Now that we’ve seen the what, let’s look at The How
I’ve spoken on the parent child relationship before and how it changes and evolves at different stages in our lives.
We often think that our relationship as children and parents takes a parallel path through life. But oftentimes, it looks more like this.
When we are young, we are dependent on our parents, and it is their responsibility to take care of us.
When we become adults, that relationship changes and comes closer together as we are more like peers, never quite peers but more like peers and then many times, as our parents age, their children take more of a role in the caretaking department—assuming responsibilities and making decisions.
And that isn’t easy for that transition to happen for either party. Sometimes children don’t want that responsibility, and sometimes parents aren’t eager to give it up.
Here’s something that was helpful for me. When my father was struggling with dementia and I felt like I had lost him, a friend told me of a book that she had read. The Author said that we often have a mental picture of our parents when they were in their prime, and as they get older, we find it difficult to reconcile who they are now with how we now see them in our mind’s picture. The author said that as our parents get older that we have to retake the picture.
That works the other way as well, and the other day I was reminded that the picture I had in my mind of our son, wasn’t the forty-year-old man he is today. And I had to retake the picture.
And as more couples are putting off their decision to have children until they are older, the consequence is that oftentimes they end up dealing with young children on one end of the spectrum and aged parents on the other end. One of the benefits of having children in your twenties.
So, when we are young children, this commandment means to obey our parents. That’s the base of it. They are parents, we are children, and in most cases, they know what’s right.
Now obviously, there are times that children aren’t to obey their parents.
When what the parent is asking involves abuse, or asking their children to do things that are immoral or illegal. But those are the extremes.
Parents are the adults and as such they understand the ramifications of life choices and the consequences of bad choices.
Children are often focused on the here and now. They don’t understand why they can’t stay up late, eat candy before dinner, or not do their homework.
And so, for those of you who are children, you honour your parents by obeying them and by respecting their knowledge and their desire to do the best for you.
You may not understand the reason for all they are asking and if you do you may not agree with it. But you honour your parents by obeying them.
And parents, sometimes the reason kids don’t obey you in the big things is because you didn’t expect it in the little things.
And agree with me or not, the family isn’t a democracy and if you insist on one voice one vote, you are going down a path you will regret.
Several years ago I was talking to a gentleman and he told me that he had been offered a promotion, but it would involve a move and after discussing it with their kids they decided not to take the promotion because the kids didn’t want to move. I was gobsmacked. Isn’t that a great word?
Of course, the kids didn’t want to move, they would have to leave their school and their friends. I kind of hope that the man didn’t want to the promotion but didn’t know how to say so, and so he blamed his kids.
Or maybe they don’t obey because they don’t see you obeying.
But as we grow up and begin making decisions for ourselves, honouring our parents doesn’t necessarily entail obeying them in everything. This is the time in our lives when we start spreading our wings and seeking our independence.
And that isn’t a bad thing.
It’s at this point in our lives to honour our parents means that we need to Respect Our Parents and cooperate with them. During this phase in their lives, young adults don’t need constant supervision and long lists of do’s and don’ts in their lives. Those teen years are the time when they begin to make some of their own decisions, and well, they should. It’s a part of growing up. In saying that let me add this warning to the teens out there, some of the decisions that you make now that seem right for today will have ramifications on your entire life.
And as much as we, as parents, wish we could make those choices for you, we can’t. And in this period of your life, the carrying out of the fifth commandment would be “Stay respectful, stay cooperative with your parents.”
And God says to adolescents, “Even during this troublesome turbulent time: Honour your parents.” Yes, children during this time are supposed to begin to differ and disagree with their parents. That’s a part of the separation process, often it is simply them saying, “I am my own person with my own opinions.”
I was brought up by a Ford-driving, Tory-voting, Leaf’s cheering father. By the time I was 18, I was voting liberal, driving a GM and cheering for the Habs. And I still cheer for the Habs.
But all through this agonizing era, teens are called to be respectful and cooperative toward their parents so that these changes can be negotiated within the context of the family community and not isolation.
But most of us aren’t children anymore, nor are we teens or even young adults. We have moved on in life to being adults ourselves, and with that comes a whole new series of challenges. It’s at this point in our lives that we’ve established our own families and households and careers, but our parents are still alive and a part of our lives.
For many of us, our parents are at least in their early seventies, and some are older than that. So, what are our responsibilities to our parents at this stage of our lives?
This commandment does not stop when we leave home. The fifth commandment is binding on all of us until both of our parents have passed away. And for adults, the way we honour our aging parents is very simple, to Treasure Our Parents. How do we Treasure our parents?
Once we have come through that turbulent period of our lives called adolescence, once we have got out on our own and had a family of our own, we start to realize that our parent’s brain death was only temporary, if it happened at all. Then we start raising kids of our own, and we begin to realize how much service and sacrifice went into raising us. How much love, time, and energy went into raising you as a child.
It's then that your heart begins to soften toward your parents, and you have those golden years to treasure your parents and to be there for them.
When I was preparing this message, I came across a list of ways we can honour our parents. This seemed like a good place for it.
12 Ways To Honor Your Father and Mother
1. Tell Them You Love Them
A simple “I love you” can go a long way!
2. Show Appreciation
Let your parents know that you understand what they do for you and your family.
3. Do a Chore for Your Parents
If you can, choose one they dislike the most and do it without them knowing.
4. Listen to Their Stories
Ask your parents to tell you about what life was like when they were a teenager.
5. Share Your Stories with Them
Communicate with your parents. Tell them about your day, dreams, struggles, and aspirations.
6. Ask Them for Their Opinion
Your parents have a lot of experience and wisdom to share. Asking for advice not only shows them that you value their insight but helps you grow as well.
7. Tell the Truth
Always be honest with your parents. This will build trust between you.
8. Don’t Talk Back
When you disagree with your parents or are feeling emotional, it’s easy to be disrespectful. Make a conscious effort to control your words and body language and be respectful.
9. Speak Well of Your Parents
Whether in public or private, make sure to keep your parents in high esteem by the things you say about them. Be careful how you speak about the ones who taught you to speak.
10. Ask About Their Day
Take an interest in the events that happened to your parents that day. If there was an important event, remember to ask them about it.
11. Compliment Your Parents
Give your parents a sincere compliment and be sure to tell them often that they are doing a good job.
12. Be Aware of Your Reactions
When you feel frustrated, angry, and emotional, it’s so easy to react strongly. Stay aware of your tone of voice, volume, and actions when you feel this way. Try to behave in calm and respectful ways when you disagree with your parents.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger writes, “There are times we simply have to accept their quirks, idiosyncrasies, bad habits, unfortunate personalities, and communication styles. We do that by passing by that which does not have to be confronted. For the duration of a visit or a phone call, surely not every objectionable moment needs commentary.”
Let’s add one more just because.
13. Plan Time with Your Parents
Schedule time on the calendar to spend one-on-one with your dad or your mom. Put the phones and devices away and use that time to get to know each other, share a few laughs, and encourage each other.
Let’s go back to the commandment where we read, Exodus 20:12 “Honour your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you. And that leads us to The Why
So, does this promise, found in the last part of the verse, Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you, mean that if you if you honour your parents, you will live to a ripe old age?
It might be easier to get people to obey the fifth commandment if this is a fact. But that wasn’t the intent, the emphasis wasn’t on the long as much as it was on the full part of the statement.
When Paul was writing to the early church in Ephesus, he expanded on the commandment and the promise in Ephesians 6:1–3 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honour your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”
Our childhood and how we deal with our parents, will be what shapes how we view and react to the world around us. And those choices will determine what the rest of our lives will be like.
Preacher and author Tim Keller said, “It’s respect for your parents that is the basis for every other kind of respect and every other kind of authority.” Honouring our father and mother teaches us that God has placed people in authority over us. Honouring them also teaches us how to respect that authority and be respected by those we have authority over. “
And it was Billy Graham wrote, “A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone.”
The child-parent relationship is a training ground for life. How we are raised to treat and honour our parents will be reflected in how we treat our teachers, our employers and our political leaders.
And those choices will be reflected in your life.
The other reason of course is the entire concept of reaping what you sow. You realize, of course, that the example that you set in how you relate and deal with your parents will be the one followed by your children.
We cut a groove in our children by the way we treat our parents.
It was the philosopher John Locke who wrote, “Parents wonder why the streams are bitter when they themselves poisoned the fountain.” Or what goes around comes around.
The Greek philosopher Euripides (er-rip-e-dees) observed, “Unblessed is the son who does not honour his parents; but if reverent and obedient to them, he will receive the same from his own children”
And that leaves us with, The What If
What If My Parents Don’t Deserve Honour?”
Parents are meant to love, protect, instruct, and discipline their children. Paul wrote in Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
It is however an unfortunate reality, that not all parents treat their children with love.
There are times when a parent’s behaviour is not only unhealthy but harmful to their kids.
If your parents behaved in ways that hurt you, do you still have to show them honour? The commandment does not say to honour parents only if they are good parents.
Even bad parents need to be honoured, even if it’s only at a basic level. But how can you do that? Understand that nowhere in the Bible are we specifically commanded to love our parents.
We are told to love our spouse, to love our God, and to love our neighbours, but nowhere are we told to love our parents.
The interpersonal dynamics between children and parents are just too intense. Some of us come out of it intact, and some just barely escape. Sometimes too much has transpired for the child to love the parent.
God, strangers, and neighbours don’t put the same demands on us that our parents do, and so we aren’t commanded to necessarily love them, but we are commanded to honour them.
First, you need to forgive your parents. And that isn’t always easy. And I could preach an entire message on what forgiveness is and isn’t. And I have.
Paul encouraged those following Christ in the early church with these words, Ephesians 4:31–32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
And you are thinking, but pastor you don’t know what they did to me. I don’t. But you can’t let that colour the rest of your life and make you a bitter, unforgiving person. Again with Dr. Laura, who said “To blame one's parents for one's lot in life is simplistic, unfair, and untrue. Ultimately, in spite of all, we remain the final architects of our lives.”
Second, pray for your parents and ask the Holy Spirit to help you to honour them. It’s hard to hate someone and pray for them at the same time.
Third, demonstrate to your parents what healthy love looks like. Show them what the love of Christ looks like. And endeavour to be the parent they weren’t. Showing them how you love your children. Break the cycle of hurt and abuse. It’s been said that each generation begins where the previous one left off.
But that doesn’t have to be. The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
You can’t go back and undo how your parents treated you, but if you are a Christ follower, he made you a new person, a new creation with a new future. You can’t start over, but you can start again.
Free PowerPoint might be available for this message, contact me at denn@cornerstonehfx.ca
