“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies.”
(1Cor 6: 18 to 20, NIV)
I must admit I had second thoughts on doing this post, as sex outside of marriage is so commonplace (inside and outside the church), and many people do not even consider the idea of getting married. Nowadays people just move in together and either stay or move on. So the thought of compiling a post on sex outside of marriage can be far-fetched in some quarters. However, what the world does or does not do, should not restrict me from what I write. I write on what the Bible says, irrespective of what the world says or does. I want to give people (inside and outside the church) the chance to come back to God in every post, so I am compelled to write this post. To reinforce this According to the tom-talks.org In 2011, a survey came out that showed how over 80% of self-professing Christians are as sexually active as their non-Christian peers. I can only imagine that percentage being higher today.
The Bible condemns sexual sins: adultery (consensual sex between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse) (Proverbs 6:32; cf. 1 Corinthians 6:18 and Hebrews 13:4) and fornication (sexual immorality in general) are specified (Matthew 15:19; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1). Sex before marriage, or premarital sex, is not addressed in that exact term, but it does fall within the scope of sexual immorality.
The Bible teaches that sex before marriage is immoral in a couple of different passages. One is 1 Corinthians 7:2, which says, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.” In this verse, marriage is presented as the “cure” for sexual immorality. Sexual union within marriage, which is commended, is set against immorality, which is to be avoided. Thus, any sex outside of marriage is considered immoral. This would have to include premarital sex.
Another verse that presents sex before marriage as immoral is Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Here, we have both adultery and fornication contrasted with what happens in the marriage bed. Marriage (and sexual intercourse within marriage) is honourable; all other types of sexual activity are condemned as immoral and bring God’s judgment.
Based on these passages, a biblical definition of sexual immorality would have to include sex before marriage. That means that all the Bible verses that condemn sexual immorality in general also condemn sex before marriage. These include Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 1:7; and Revelation 21:8.
God designed sex and the Bible honours marriage. Part of honouring marriage is the Bible’s promotion of complete abstinence before marriage. When two unmarried people engage in sexual intercourse, they are defiling God’s good gift of sex. Before marriage, a couple has no binding union, and they’ve entered no sacred covenant; without the marriage vows, they have no right to exploit the culmination of such vows.
Too often, we focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognizing that there is another aspect—procreation. Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage. Song of Solomon 4 and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) describe the pleasure of sex. However, God’s intent for sex includes producing children. Thus, for a couple to engage in sex before marriage is doubly wrong—they are enjoying pleasures not intended for them, and they are taking a chance of creating a human life outside of the family structure God intended for every child.
While practicality does not determine right from wrong, following the Bible’s instructions concerning sex before marriage would greatly benefit society. If the Bible’s message on sex before marriage were obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations their proper value, and, most importantly, honors God. Sex between a husband and wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves.
Premarital sex – why is God so strongly against it?
Premarital sex involves any kind of sexual contact prior to entering into a legal marriage relationship. There are a number of reasons why Scripture and traditional Christianity oppose this. God designed sex to be enjoyed within a committed marital relationship of one man and one woman. To remove it from that context is to pervert its use and severely limit its enjoyment. Sexual contact involves a level of intimacy not experienced in any other human relationship. When God brought Adam and Eve together in marriage, He established the “one flesh” relationship. Genesis 2:24 tells us that a man will leave his family, join his wife, and become “one flesh” with her.
This idea is carried through in the New Testament as well; we see it in Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:5 and Mark 10:7. Paul elaborates on the idea in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, in his discussion of God’s lordship over our bodies as well as our souls. He says that when a man has sex with a prostitute, they have become “one body” (verse 16). The sexual relationship is special. There is a level of vulnerability one experiences in a sexual relationship that should only occur within a committed, trusting, marital union.
There are, in general, two contexts for premarital sex. There is the “we love each other and are committed to each other, but just don’t want to wait to be married” sexual relationship, and there’s “casual sex.” The former is often rationalized with the idea that the couple will surely marry, so there’s no sin in engaging in marital relations now. However, this shows impatience and disrespect to oneself, as well as to the other person. It removes the special nature of the relationship from its proper framework, which will erode the idea that there’s a framework at all. If we accept this behavior, it’s not long before we’ll regard any extra-marital sex as acceptable. To tell our prospective mate that they’re worth waiting for strengthens the relationship and increases the commitment level.
Casual sex is rampant in many societies. There is, in truth, no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in the sexual relationship. An analogy is instructive here. If we glue one object to another, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that glued object and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually, we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. The sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.
So, is there hope? When a Christian engages in premarital sex, or when one who has lost his/her virginity comes to Christ, the Holy Spirit will convict of the sin, and there will be grief over it. However, it’s important—even vital—to remember that there is no sin beyond the reach of the blood of Jesus. If we confess, He will not only forgive but will cleanse us from “all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Furthermore, in addition to the forgiveness (which is in itself glorious), God restores. In Joel 2:25 God tells Israel that He would restore the years the locusts had eaten. This is not a direct promise to Christians today, but does indicate that God has a restorative character. Premarital sex is like a locust that consumes our sense of self, our self-esteem, and our perception of forgiveness. But God can restore all those things. Scripture also tells us that, when we come to Christ, we are new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17), so one who engaged in premarital sex before conversion is recreated by God into a new person; the old is gone, and the new has come.
Finally, we know that, as Christians, we’re being renewed by the Holy Spirit each day we walk with Jesus. Colossians 3:10 tells us that our new self is being renewed day by day after the image of its Creator. There is no sin without hope. The power of the gospel is available to all who trust in Jesus for forgiveness.
What is an appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage?
The modern view of sex before marriage is very lax. One study found that 75 percent of American teenagers have had premarital sex. By the time the unmarried turn 44 years old, that number climbs to 95 percent (Finer, L. Public Health Reports, The Guttmacher Institute, January—February 2007, vol 122, pp 73–78). Even among self-identified Christians, 57 percent of U.S. adults believe that premarital sex “in a committed relationship” is sometimes or always acceptable (Pew Research Center, https://pewrsr.ch/3lJyBBE, accessed 11/8/22).
Such statistics are alarming to Christians who take the Bible seriously. Passages such as Ephesians 5:3 give clear guidance concerning physical intimacy outside of marriage: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity . . . because these are improper for God’s holy people.” This command places the “guard rails” along a fairly strict path—not even a “hint” of immorality should be found among God’s people.
Determining an appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage is something every unmarried couple must do. Fornication is categorized as sinful in the Bible, so sexual intercourse before marriage is definitely off limits. Other sexual acts, such as oral or anal sex, would also fall under the definition of fornication. But the boundaries must be even stricter than that: anything that even “hints” of sexual immorality is inappropriate for a Christian.
The Bible does not give us a list of activities that “hint” of immorality. Neither does it tell us what physical activities are “approved” for a couple to engage in before marriage. The idea behind the command is that sexual immorality should not exist among God’s people. Never should there be an occasion for observers to mention such a thing. Any accusation of immorality or inappropriate behavior in the church should be wholly untrue.
Where to draw the line? How much intimacy is too much, before marriage? Since the sexual act is wrong for an unmarried couple, behavior that leads to the act should also be curtailed. Thus, foreplay, which is the natural prelude to sexual intercourse, should be restricted to married couples. Anything that can be considered foreplay should be avoided until marriage. This would logically include fondling, nudity, and erotic conversations and behaviors.
An unmarried Christian couple should know their convictions and stick to them. Some couples may draw the line at light kissing. Others will stop at holding hands. Others will move the barriers even farther out, for conscience’s sake. The important thing is that the individual believer is allowed to live according to his or her own convictions. The conscience should not be violated. If there is any doubt whether an activity is right for an unmarried couple, it should be avoided, just to be safe (Romans 14:23). Christians have been set apart by God for His holy purposes, and we must take care to avoid immorality. Scripture gives a strong warning on this matter: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins. . . . For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life” (1 Thessalonians 4:3– 7).
All sexual activity and foreplay should be restricted to married couples. An unmarried couple should avoid any activity that tempts them toward sex, that gives the appearance of immorality, or that violates the conscience.
Today, if you are a Christian and have sex outside of marriage, or even live with someone outside of marriage, now is the time to reflect on your situation. Now is the time to repent to God and seek His grace and favour. Now is the time to reflect and plan your next moves, so that you can come back to God. I accept this may be hard for you. If you are not a Christian, then know that God wants you to come to Him, where you will find grace and mercy. Repent of the way you live, and change your situation. You will find that God is there by your side, cheering you on.
