Father’s
While thinking on the concept of a “father’s affection”, I want to share what I found at Psychologotoday.com, Roland Warren, father of two sons and board member of National Fatherhood Initiative.
Four things every son (daughter) needs to know:
Does my son know that he matters to me?
Does my son know that I love him?
Does my son know what he does is important to me?
Does my son know how proud I am of him?
How many of us can say we know that our son(s) do?
Information regarding types of fathers from Psychologotoday.com, Fathers and sons (daughters):
Father the Provider and Success. “His family should understand that their claims on his time came second best as he had gone to conquer the world”. “May grow up with the idea that a father's life is his work, and his family should not expect anything more from him”.
How many of us have grown up not only doing this, but believing we were good breadwinners and thus a great dad?
Father Hunger. “Life for most boys and for many grown men then is a frustrating search for the lost father who has not yet offered protection, provision, nurturing, modeling, or, especially, anointment”.
Have we looked for, wanted to receive the affirmation we all desperately aspired and need~! The myths of masculinity. “The old fear of the too-powerful father and the new longing for a father to love and teach and anoint us”. Men feared being like their fathers.
Beyond this fear of being just like him, we can strive for and attain to have a positive relationship. If there was very little communication, then take time to do that. We can be the “model” by watching what we say, especially monitoring the words we choose to speak. Once spoken they cannot usually be taken back, only if we are “strong enough” to admit when we failed to uplift them, then the healing process can begin!
Father the Nurturer. “Fathering makes a man--whatever his standing in the eyes of the world-feel strong and good and important, just as he makes his child feel loved and valued.”
When we can prepare the next generation of men, by helping them we help ourselves become better as well!
Psychologotoday.com, Boys (girls) without Fathers:
1. Fatherless boys (girls) inevitably suffer delinquent tendencies
2. Fatherless boys (girls) suffer from anger issues or depression.
3. Fatherless men don’t know how to be good fathers
When I walked around my environment, I chose to close myself off from being hurt anymore. The sense of being alone, left behind, drove me to become the way I was, hurt and bitter, and I had succumbed myself to this! I believe rage, frustration and lack of self-esteem are the triggers to the above-mentioned stats.
Our lineage
Father types
The first is, The Father the Provider and Success. Typically, this means that his work is his life. His identity, all he is, can be wrapped around his ability for financially providing what his family may need. A good home, food on the table, clothes to wear are some of the responsibility’s we men can take on. Success at the job can become more rewarding to him than what can be the challenges of a family. For some, the wife is expected to be the one handling the home front, while he is out taking care of business.
Father Hunger can follow this, as he has little contact with the children as well with his spouse. If he works eight hours a day, with the travel time to and back from work, the amount of time left can be very limiting. I personally spent two hours getting to one job arriving and the same back home, that with eight hours on the job left twelve hours, seven or eight spent sleeping. Mathematically, this leaves few precious moments with the family at all.
Father the Nurturer is the last one. I look back and say there were no manuals or classes on fatherhood. Now, this is by no means an excuse for me. I thought vacations, Holidays, and layoffs for me were the good times, where I got to engage with my family. As a construction worker, I had my winter times due to lack of work. We took some time to go to Michigan leaving early on a Saturday and returning late that night. This was one cost cutting idea when the budget was tight. The down side was that I took as much overtime as I could, to use later, this usually did not somehow work well as our family was extended to three growing children.
Though I made the decision to be the one who did "bring home the bacon," and I had spoken to my wife, that I wanted her to be a “stay at home mom," there were meetings that had us together share what was important to each of us as a couple. After going to counseling and these times for couples, helped me become aware of the need for me to change some of the ways I parented and was as a husband. For me to articulate was not easy for me to does there were for me, many “hidden hurts” I did not share with anyone! My “training” for early adolescence had me believe “men do not show any emotion," especially none that were considered non-manly.
Seeking daddy
My revelation!
The first apprehension, as I mentioned earlier was that I had was to believe that God loved me. Beyond feeling accepted can be complicated by having a father showing infrequent, or no love or concern at all, (as my birth father did), or perhaps having been molested, for these moments can really can set the thought(s) possibly as to how can God love me?
It can be as we interact with our people around us, we can find it seems there is not much affirmation; therefore, it can be hard to believe that God does. When rejected by some here it can easily lead to feeling of being rejected, and feeling left by God, yet Romans 8:35 tells us that nothing can separate us, including the rejection that one can become a fear of receiving any at all. I remind myself that fear, and faith cannot coexist; one of them will have me walk out my life in a direction, either away from or towards others and God. This was as a young boy, at the age of about two years, as my birth mother had to go to work, it was then when my care provider called about my being left with her, and afterwards, I was taken by the local authorities to an orphanage.
It was not until around 1998, that I had a “vision” of me on the floor in a kitchen. I saw myself sitting there looking out towards the screen door, as my mother had to leave for work, I understood somehow that was the last time I would see my birth mother (possibly, as I would not see her again until 1993); however, I never realized that a sense of abandonment had gripped me back then. My mother confirmed the details of this event with my wife when she visited us in June of 1993. It was then that I comprehended how I was impacted, as to my thoughts, and reactions to any person, including God.
This event stayed with me, every day I walked around unaware that I felt alone, left behind and wanting so much to be loved! Though as you will read further that I had parents who chose me, took me as their son, cared for and loved me, the struggle within me still was there. I mention this as we need to see the “problem” first, identify it and then deal with it! I have written on stress and trauma and the toll it takes on us mentally, physically and spiritually.
Any “event” that causes us feelings like I had are much like P.T.S.D., as stated it is after trauma usually stress, along with a variety of symptoms will follow. The more devastating the trauma, I believe that the warning signs will be more prominent and likely to be seen by others before us.
