If you were to think about your friends. How many close friends would you say you have? What about good friends, or acquaintances? According to Dunbar, prof of psychology at Oxford University who developed a theory about friendships, a person, on average, may have about 500 acquaintances, 150 meaningful contacts, 50 friends, and 15 good friends. But the tightest circle of friends a person usually has is around five people or less – maybe your direct family or few close friends. From a biblical perspective, the Hebrews break friendship down into 3 levels, 1. as associations only; 2. those that are loyal; 3. those who are loyal and who love sacrificially.
Why is it important to have friends? Study after study reveals that people suffer mentally, emotionally, and cognitively when they are alone, socially isolated, or lack meaningful relationships. All of us need friends. Friends to laugh with and cry with, friends we can share life with, confide in and entrust things with, friends who have been and will be there with us through thick and thin. This explains why television programs like Friends, Seinfeld, Everyone loves Raymond had such high ratings.
We live in a world where people are looking for and longing for deep and meaningful friendships. But such friendships today are hard to come by and hard to maintain because we live in such a mobile, transient society.
The reality many times is that we get to know someone, create a friendship, and after a few years they (or we) leave for another city or country. I don’t know if this has been your experience but when we moved to Finland and then to Austria one of the first questions people ask is, “how long are you planning to stay here?” In other words, “are you going to be a potential friend?”
What do you think qualifies a person to be a friend? How can we be wise when it comes to choosing our friends? How can we build lasting and fulfilling friendships? God gives us insight about the qualities of true friendship in the Bible and especially in the book of Proverbs.
Today in our Proverbs series, we will look at practical wisdom concerning friendship. Let’s read Proverbs 18:24 together.
The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, But there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother. A faithful friend who can find? (Prov 18:24 AMP)
We need God’s wisdom for:
Finding Friends
Forging Friendships
Being a true Friend
So what is the basis for:
Finding Friends
Thomas Aquinas said, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” Unfortunately, we often treat relationships as consumers: we befriend for the benefits we receive. And like a contract, when the relationship doesn’t meet our expectations or no longer benefits us, we are done with it. Naturally, when we look for friends we want to connect with people who have the same things in common with us - like sports teams, hobbies, music, favorite foods, etc. Maybe you grew up with a person, went to the same school, and always had good times together and became good friends.
These things are important in friendship but we really want to find friends we can connect with on a deeper level. Proverbs 12:26 tells us:
The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray (NKJV).
The original Hebrew is translated this way:
The righteous searches out (meaning he makes a careful, diligent, and penetrating examination in order to find) a close friend that He can confide in.
In reality we could categorize many in our circle of friends simply as associations or acquaintances. They aren’t people you would confide in or turn to in times of trouble. Proverbs tells us that if you have too many of these superficial associations and acquaintances and put your hope in them, these types of “friendships” will fail to come through in times of adversity.
What does the Bible say we should look for in a friend? As we read Proverbs 18:24, we are to look for true, reliable and loving friends. Are they loyal and do they have godly values? Can you confide in them or do they speak behind your back and say negative things to you about others?
Proverbs strongly encourages the reader to pursue wisdom and choose friends among the wise (cf. 12:26; 13:20; 22:24; 28:7; 29:3). Keil and Delitsch said:
To have such a one is better than to have many of the so-called friends; and, as appears from the contrast, to him who is so fortunate as to have one such friend, there comes a blessing and safety.
In other words, we shouldn’t just inadvertently make friends with a person without having proven their character. Because, why would you share your hopes, dreams, goals, successes or else your struggles and weaknesses with someone who has a reputation for being unfaithful, unreliable, dishonest, and who can’t keep a confidence? We all long for friends we know will be there for us when times get tough or when we face a crisis in life. We need friends who are honest, faithful, have integrity, people we can trust. People who will tell it like it is and who give us wise advice. We long for these types of friendship and should learn to be this type of friend to others. The point is, you really won’t know a person’s character when it comes to friendship or even your own until you both face adverse situations together. This is where friendships are tested.
Which brings us to the second point:
Forging Friendships:
What are some of the characteristics necessary for forging solid lasting friendships?
Faithfulness - Proverbs 27:10 and 20:6
A real friend doesn’t just talk about his or her own goodness or loyalty as a friend, he or she is proven to be faithful and trustworthy (Pro 20:6). It doesn’t matter to this type of person what kind of status, possessions, or influence you have - in success or failure, they will not abandon you (Pro 19:7). Why? Because they aren’t in the friendship for what they can get out of it but on what they can give.
One American journalist described it this way,
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. — Walter Winchell
Forgiveness - A loyal and loving friend will cover a multitude of sins (Pro 17:9). They are not denying that their friend did wrong, they know it was sin, but they see the wrongdoer as a friend to be won, not as an enemy with whom to get even (1:22). Rather than expose your faults and bring up your sins to get revenge, this friend conceals (or draws a veil over) all or all kinds of transgressions to bring peace. Transgression denotes offenses against property (Exod. 22:9) and persons (Amos 1:3, 6, 9, 11, 13; 2:1, 6), including direct violations of personal rights. They are willing to endure so many wrongs against themselves with the hope that one day their friend will see their sins, turn and be reconciled back to God.
A good friend gives…
Good advice - oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend (Pro 27:9 NASB).
Do we seek out friends who we know will counsel us to do what is right even when it is not comfortable or convenient? Unfortunately, most of us have received bad counsel from coworkers, friends, and family. What is more shocking is how often we hear worldly, unbiblical counsel from other Christians. But how sweet wise counsel is from the heart of a friend.
What else is a good and godly friendship built on?
Honesty - An honest answer is like a kiss of friendship (Pro 24:26).
Is your friend transparent or more apt to hide the truth in different situations? A person who gives an honest answer is one who answers the question of the inquirer and doesn’t avoid it. He or she doesn’t give vague, devious or distorted answers. Are this person’s words straight, fair, truthful, righteous? Don’t we appreciate people who have candor in their demeanor rather than pretense? What else do we look for in a friend?
Love - A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (Pro 17:17).
This means that when you are facing difficult situations, you discover who your real friends are. The love of a true friend is constant, they love you even when your friendship is severely tested. Their love is sacrificial. No matter what, they are committed to you because they love you and care about you. Next, friendship is built on…
Loyalty - This friend stays closer than a brother - closer than any family member (Prov 18:4).
He or she is the one who remains true to God and to you in times of mishap or when you suffer some type of loss. Maybe it is in a time of financial duress or when there are problems in the family. Staying closer than a brother means to be so close that even death could not separate them from you.” We know that finding these types of friends is rare but when you find friends like this you have found a treasure. What else do you look for in a friend? One who engages you with…
Respectful confrontation - As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend (Pro 27:17 NLT).
Just like iron sharpening iron creates a lot of friction, so can even respectful confrontation from a true friend create friction. Waltke wrote,
The analogy infers that the friend persists and does not shy away from constructive criticism even if you do not receive it and the sparks fly. This persistent friend, whose wounds are faithful, who speaks the truth in love, does so for their friends' progress. This type of friend helps their friend develop the capacity to succeed.”
A true friend may be thinking “what in the world are your doing” but asks their friend, “Do you think this is a wise decision? Are you that type of friend to others? We need to learn to confront occasionally and rightly for the good of those we love without any hidden personal agenda. We also need to learn to accept confrontation for our own benefit.
Prov 27:5 - 6 says, Better is an open reprimand [of loving correction] Than love that is hidden. Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].
True friends will tell you what you need to hear, while fair-weather friends tell you what you want to hear. These friends “kiss” you in a way that makes you think they care, but actually they do not because they do not care enough to correct you.
So we know what it takes to be a true friend but just where are these friendships forged? In life groups, Bible study fellowships, when you are ministering and serving on teams with others. These friendships go beyond just having things in common, these friendships are forged when you walk through tough times together, having the same eternal values - love for God, for His church, love for the lost, desire to serve and bring people into God’s Kingdom and seek His Kingdom before all else. These friends are all in and not just living for themselves but willing to love, persevere, serve Christ and each other no matter what the cost. It’s so important to find the right friends, to build meaningful friendships but this also entails…
Being a true friend
When I read through the qualities of true friends and how to build solid friendships, like other preachers I have listened to on this topic, I realize that this is the kind of friendship I long for but seriously fall short of. Am I really being a friend to others? And to think that I could even live up to this standard in my own strength would be impossible. Yet we all still long for such a friend and desire to build these types of friendships.
We see that this caliber of friendship that is always faithful, loyal, loving, honest, unselfish, and that is committed to my wellbeing no matter what the cost, can only point to one Person. The only One who was willing to endure incredible wrongs against Himself with the hope of reconciling others back to God was Jesus.
How can I be a friend to others? By walking with and learning from Christ, the example of selfless humility, God-incarnate who called us His friends. But how do we know we are His friend? He said, you are my friend if you do what I command. What are his commands? To love each other the way I have loved you. If we truly love God and others we will be faithful, honest, forgiving and loyal.
Paul described this type of selflessness and loyalty in his letter to the Philippian church and wrote,
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had (Phil 2:2-5 NLT).
Jesus gave himself for me. His desire is that I would live as He called me to live through the power of His Spirit. I believe when we become like Jesus, when we take on his attitude in our friendships then our friendships will truly be fulfilling.
