Dealing with Grief
Tuesday morning, I woke up to a text from Marc telling me Reece had been in a motorcycle accident, and that they were on their way to Tampa. I woke Gladys up, told her about Marc’s message, asked her to pray, and headed to Tampa.
I called Marc shortly after I left and told him I was on the way, and asked about Reece. He said, please pray. He’s heading into surgery now, and it doesn’t look good. Half way to Tampa, he texted me again and told me that they had just lost Reece.
It took a while getting through Tampa traffic, but I finally got to the hospital and found them in the parking lot. We cried. We waited to see what needed to be done next and after a couple of hours we headed back.
When we got back, Gladys joined me, and we went over to Marc, Bindu and Alex’s house where we cried again. Then we went home, where we spent most of the rest of the day in largely numbed silence. There was a numbness, and quiet in the house comparable to 9/11.
From talking to many of you on the phone, I know that many of you have had times of crying, times of mourning as well. We cry because we have lost a young man who grew up here. Every where I look I see Reece’s fingerprints. I see him pulling younger children up the zip line. I see him as part of the color guard with MPC, marching up to raise and lower the flags. I see him wrestling with other kids his age, playing king of the mountain on the raft.
I see him growing up with Drew, wrestling in our living room.
We grieve because we have lost a young man, who has been part of our lives and part of our church family, since shortly after this church was started.
We also grieve because of the devastation this has brought into the lives of Marc, Bindu, and Aliec; people who are part of the heart and soul of our church. We grieve because of the pain we see these dear friends going through, knowing that their home, and dreams have been forever changed.
The other day I called a pastor friend of mine in Mississippi, who lost his son in a traffic accident 2 years ago, and asked what I can do to help? He said, “Not much. From now on, that loss is part of their story. It’s become part of who they are.”
He did tell me, though, that he was surprised by how much their church family ended up grieving as well, for his son had also grown up in their church, and all of the families there were also impacted by his loss.
I know many of you have been impacted by this great loss as well. Some of you have sat numbly, as we have. Some of you have canceled plans, unable to follow through in the midst of your grief. Some of you who seldom get out, have gone by to check on Marc, Bindu and Alec. Others of you are here this morning, specifically because you want to be with your church family in the midst of our loss.
Many of you, and many former church members who now attend somewhere else have reached out and asked, “What can we do?”
Turn with me please to Ecclesiastes chapter 3. Ecclesiastes chapter 3, as this morning we look together at how to deal with grief.
- Read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
PRAYER
I want you to look with me again please at verse 4.
- Read Ecclesiastes 3:4
Solomon, the son of King David has now become king. In 1 Kings chapter 3, Solomon goes to Gibeon, and sacrifices 1,000 burnt offerings to the Lord. After that sacrifices, the Lord comes to Solomon in a dream and asks Solomon, “What shall I give you?” Beginning In verse 6 we read:
> 1 Kings 3:6-12 And Solomon replied, “You have shown great and faithful love to your servant, my father David, because he walked before you in faithfulness, righteousness, and integrity.[b] You have continued this great and faithful love for him by giving him a son to sit on his throne, as it is today.
“Lord my God, you have now made your servant king in my father David’s place. Yet I am just a youth with no experience in leadership. Your servant is among your people you have chosen, a people too many to be numbered or counted. So give your servant a receptive heart to judge your people and to discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of yours?” Now it pleased the Lord that Solomon had requested this.So God said to him, “Because you have requested this and did not ask for long life or riches for yourself, or the death of your enemies, but you asked discernment for yourself to administer justice, I will therefore do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and understanding heart, so that there has never been anyone like you before and never will be again.
In response to Solomon’s prayer the Lord says, “I will grant your request. Because you asked for wisdom, I will give you more wisdom than anyone who has ever gone before you, and more than any who will ever follow you.”
That’s some promise, isn’t it?
Well, the book of Ecclesiastes is a journal, of Solomon’s thinking after a lifetime of figuring out what in life is meaningful, of trying to figure out what is true.
In the midst of this journal, in the midst of this figuring, Solomon writes, “There is an occasion for everything. . . “
a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.
There is a time to mourn. We live in a time where some people think that it isn’t right for Christians to mourn, for Christians to cry and weep; a time when some people think that if we are truly Christians and truly believe that God is on the throne, and that God is in control of everything, that Christians shouldn’t mourn, that we shouldn’t cry.
Oh, just let go and let God. How silly is that? We have a whole book of the Bible called Lamentations. We remember Jeremiah was called the weeping prophet. More than 1/2 of the book of Psalms is made up of songs where David and others are complaining that life is unfair, the bad guys seem to be doing ok, and asking God where He is and why he is letting things happen like they are.
My goodness we remember how our Lord Jesus Christ looked at the lost condition of the people of Israel, and cried, “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her. How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!”
Knowing the miracle He was about to perform, and that His friend Lazarus was about to rise from the dead and give testimony to the miracle God had done, Jesus stood in front of His friend’s tomb, and wept.
Solomon acknowledged, “There is a time to weep. There is a time to mourn.” What can you do? You can be real and mourn.
I. YOU CAN BE REAL AND MOURN
- Read Psalm 137:1-6
In this passage, we find the captives taken out of Israel, on their way to Babylon, knowing that they’ll never be able to go home again, knowing that they will be captives in Babylon for the rest of their lives. Oh, the pain and sorrow of knowing you can never go home again, or that even if you do, that things will never be the same.
In this passage we find the Israelites doing 3 things in the midst of their grief.
1. They acknowledged that things had changed.
- Read Psalm 137:1
We are by the waters of Babylon. We’re no longer in Israel. Things are not the same. Things will never be the same.
My friends, there is no sense in pretending that things have not changed, that lives have not been impacted. There is no sense in pretending that everything is just as good as it was before. There is no sense in pretending that everything is just like it was before.
You lose a family member, things have changed. You lose that last parent, and all of a sudden the place where the family gathers for holidays changes. A spouse abandons you. No, things are not the same. No, things are not the way I had hoped. I had prayed this family would be together forever. I had prayed we would be able to work things out.
I had prayed she’d be healed, but it didn’t happen, and now that bed built for 2 sleeps only one.
I invited years of my life building my business. The economy took a turn, and now those dreams are gone. We used to take nice vacations, but now our finances have changed, or our health has changed, and those are no longer possible.
I had such plans for her. I dreamed of her wedding, of playing with grandchildren, now those things aren’t going to happen.
You acknowledge that things have changed. They are not like you had hoped. They aren’t going to work out like you had dreamed.
2. You take time to mourn
- Read Psalm 137:1
We sat down and wept.
So often, when pain comes our way, we get busy and try to fill our days with activity. Some turn to substances to mask their pain.
These folks, the Israelites took time to mourn.
My friend, if you hang on to that grief and try to act like everything is OK and refuse to take time to mourn, that grief will sap your strength. It will steal your energy, your drive and your strength.
And let me tell you, grief and mourning is like fingerprints. No 2 people grieve or mourn the same. Don’t you dare tell people they need to get over it. Jospeh grieved for 7 days after the death of his dad. They mourned for 40 days after the death of Moses.
You take time to mourn.
I remember, after the death of my dad, I went back to work. Eventually you have to, but I was numb for some time, and didn’t try to act like everything was OK.
Give yourself time to mourn.
3. You take time to remember
- Read Psalm 137:1
When we remembered Zion.
Oh my friend, take time to remember. Remember the good things. Don’t try to blot those memories out of your mind. Remember the good things. Remember the good times.
I remember years ago when our family closed our lumber and hardware business. Gregory Lumber True Value hHardware. It was a sad time. A couple of generations of our family has worked in that business. My grandfather had bought and expanded it. My parents had worked there and built it. My brothers and I grew up working in that business, and after college had returned to the family business to work for a while.
But, Lowes moved in down the road. Builders Square and Home Depot built across the street from one another on Lake Mary Boulevard and began to battle it out, and our family business was a casualty of that fight.
It was a sad time, but there were many memories of us working together as a family in that store. As kids, we would often go there on Saturdays and summers to work some. When we were young and sick, mama would often put together a pallet for us back in the officer. In high school, Dusty and I would leave school in Deland, and drive to work in Sanford, taking turns driving as the other one changed clothes in the van.
A sad day, but great memories of being blessed growing up.
Remember the good times. Remember the family get togethers, and the holidays, and the family meals, and the vacations.
You Remember.
Acknowledge things have changed. Take time to mourn. Take time to remember.
We acknowledge the things have changed. We mourn. We remember. But we do not do these things in a vacuum. We do not do them like the world, because we are people with hope.
- Read 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
II. YOU HAVE A HOPE
1. A hope we will mourn in community.
- Read 1 Thessalonians 4:18
We don’t have to hurt alone. . . .
God has placed us in a church family, He has placed us in community for a reason, so the we can support and encourage one another.
I have been chaplain with the sheriff’s department for a number of years. I remember a while back, a sergeant with the department and I were talking about funerals. He said that he had told his wife that he didn’t want a big funeral when it came his time. He just wanted something small, with just family. I said, “Well, that’s pretty selfish.”
When someone is experiencing loss, when they lose someone they love, they want to know that others have been impacted as well. They want to know that their loved one touched other people’s lives and that they aren’t the only ones suffering.
That’s part of what a church family does. We lose a loved one, we stand with the family. We tell them, “Your loved one impacted our lives as well. We too love them. We too will miss them.”
A church family is a community where we support, love on, and encourage one another.
We have a hope that we will not go through pain alone.
2. We have a hope there is something better coming.
Someone has called heaven the place of no more. In that place there is no more pain. No more suffering. No more death. No more tears. In that place we will never again have to say goodbye.
The Bible tells us that in that place Jesus will wipe the tears from every eye. In that place we will see our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father.
Oh my friends, we have a hope that something better’s coming.
3. We have a hope we will see them again.
The story is told of the older man who was talking to his pastor about heaven. He said, “When I was young I didn’t think much about heaven. When I thought about heaven I thought about great white walls. I thought about pearly gates, and streets of gold. I thought about great spires and buildings. I thought about choirs of angels. Then my son died.
I still thought about heaven I thought about great white walls. I thought about pearly gates, and streets of gold. I thought about great spires and buildings. I still thought about choirs of angels. But, in the midst of the crowd I saw a face I recognized. Heaven started changing.
Then a second son died. When I thought of heaven I thought about great white walls. I thought about pearly gates, and streets of gold. I thought about great spires and buildings. I still thought about choirs of angels. But now there were 2 faces I recognized in the crowd.
Over the years I have lost more friends and more family members. I think more about heaven now. Now when I think about heaven I still think about heaven I think about great white walls. I think about pearly gates, and streets of gold. I think about great spires and buildings. I still think about choirs of angels. But, in the midst of the crowds, I see more and more faces that I recognize. Now I look forward to heaven because to me it is not the location or the buildings. It is about the reunion. It is about the people I will see again.
Oh my friends, can you think about the reunion we will have on that day?
Being believers we have a hope the world does not have. We have a hope, a promise, that we will see our loved ones again.
We grieve. We hurt. We cry. But we are not like the world, for we have a hope. A hope that we will not hurt alone. A hope that something better is coming. A hope that we will see them again.
