A pastor visited a fourth-grade Sunday School class and asked the young disciples this question, “What does God say about marriage?” Immediately one boy raised his hand and replied, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!”
I enjoy hearing what kids say about love and marriage.
• Alan, age 10, remarked, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
• Cory, age 7 said, “Love will find you, even if you’re trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.”
• Lori, age 8, was asked what her mom and dad have in common. She quickly replied, “Both don’t want no more kids!”
• And Gavin, age 8, gave his insight into why married couples often hold hands: “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
If you’re married, how do you make sure your rings don’t fall off?
Because the topic of marriage brings up all sorts of reactions, I want to repeat what we said last week: “If you’re single, divorced, or widowed, it doesn’t mean something is wrong or you are somehow ‘less than.’ Please forgive us when we put pressure on you to get married, or make disparaging comments, or tease you, or just leave you out of things. Forgive us as a church for the times we’ve made you feel second class or unimportant. That’s wrong. And we must stop. We must do a better job helping you live out your singleness with single-minded devotion to the glory of God.”
Last week we learned how Adam broke out into poetry when he met Eve. I challenged men to do the same. I didn’t do so well on the assignment, but I did receive this piece of poetry from Marshall Jensen. Marshall and Janet are new members of Edgewood. He titled it, “Marriage: God’s Plan.”
To the beautiful lady and her handsome man,
God has given a master plan.
To nurture and love each other,
Will mean doing what’s best for the other.
A love which gives no sacrifice,
Will in the end not suffice.
What God has put together as one,
No one must say it’s done.
Though God allows us to go through the fire,
Conformity to Him is His desire.
From Scripture I can confide,
Faith, hope and love in Christ abide.
His word is one source of daily bread,
It’s most useful when daily read.
If you will seek his kingdom and righteousness first,
God will surely quench your thirst.
Will the beautiful lady and her handsome man,
Trust in the master’s plan?
Let’s consider God’s master plan for marriage from Genesis 2:24-25: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
Here’s what I hope we learn: Because God designed marriage, we must do marriage His way.
The word “therefore” abruptly interrupts the flow of reading and can be translated, “For this reason, with respect to, because of, that is why.” Most of the first two chapters of Genesis contain doctrine, history, and theology, but now doctrine turns to duty. This links us back to the previous passage where we learned how marriage is made in heaven, but it matures on earth. We saw how God’s provision of partnership solved the problem in paradise.
As always, our text must be understood in context. When Adam met Eve, he declared these words with great delight in verse 23: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.” The word “bone” means of the same substance and “flesh” refers to his body. Eve was like Adam and yet she was different because she was “taken out of man.”
I appreciate the insight of my friend Bryan LaBerge who helped me see this is not merely poetic but also foreshadows and speaks of Calvary. When God opened Adam’s “flesh,” there must have been blood. When Jesus was crucified, and His side was pierced, blood flowed, which paid the price for our sins. In Psalm 22, a psalm about Jesus, His “bones” were “out of joint,” which would have happened during crucifixion.
Since “Eve was taken out of man,” therefore, or “for this cause,” God called Adam to independence by leaving, interdependence by cleaving, intimacy by weaving, and innocence by believing.
I’m reminded of the couple who eagerly went to the courthouse to get their marriage license. When they arrived, they were met by a sign on the door which said: “Out to lunch. Back at 1 o’clock. Think it over.” That’s good advice. Let’s spend some time thinking it over now.
There are four key elements to God’s master plan for marriage:
1. Independence through leaving. After expressing affection for Eve, in verse 24, Adam is called to his first responsibility: “…a man shall leave his father and his mother.” Again we see that marriage is not man-made but was part of God’s plan from the beginning. The word “shall” indicates this matrimonial mandate is for all marriages, in all cultures, for all generations. This verse is quoted by Jesus in Matthew 19:5 and by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:31.
The Hebrew word for “leave” is quite strong and means more than simple departure. It means, “to cut off, separate, forsake, and leave behind.” While we’re never to abandon our parents, the emotional umbilical cord needs to be severed from them. Your marriage created a new family which from now on must take higher priority than your previous family. All other relationships must take a back seat.
As a way to reinforce this truth when I’ve officiated weddings, I’ve tried to make the “Giving of the Bride” part of the wedding ceremony more meaningful. Instead of just saying, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” I’ve expanded it to include these words:
TO GROOM: “Sam, do you receive Sarah as a gift from God? Do you pledge to leave your father and mother and all others and to cleave unto Sarah as long as you both shall live?” (I do)
TO BRIDE: “Sarah, do you accept Sam as God’s man for your life? Do you pledge to leave your father and mother and all others and to cleave unto Sam so long as you both shall live?” (I do)
TO FATHER: “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” (Her mother and I do.) “In doing so, do both of you give your full blessing to the marriage of your daughter to this man?” (We do). “David, as Sarah’s father, do you hereby transfer your God-given responsibility for the care and protection of your daughter to this man?” (I do)
TO GROOM: “Sam, the God-given responsibility for the care and protection of Sarah is hereby transferred to you. Do you accept this responsibility?” (I do)
Because God designed marriage, we must do marriage His way.
2. Interdependence through cleaving. Leaving one’s parents shows marriage is to be the primary relationship. Cleaving asserts it’s to be a permanent and exclusive partnership. The phrase “hold fast” is also quite descriptive and means “to cling to, to adhere, to melt two separate entities together to form a permanent bond.” It has the idea of joining two things so tightly they cannot be separated without hurting both individual parts. This word was used of the joint where two pieces of armor were joined together. It’s the idea behind the common phrase: “You guys are joined at the hip.”
We could say it like this: In order to cleave, you must first leave, and once you cleave, you must not leave.
Translators have used different English words to capture the original meaning:
KJV – “shall cleave.”
NLT – “is joined.”
CSB – “bonds with.”
LEB – “shall cling.”
While these translations are helpful, it’s difficult to fully express the Hebrew in our language because the word is a verb which conveys the “action of attaching yourself to another as an expression of total unselfishness.” It’s volitional, not emotional, and speaks of the activity of staying close. Marriage requires maintenance.
This is depicted clearly by the commitment Ruth made to her mother-in-law Naomi in Ruth 1:14: “Then they lifted up their voices and wept again. And Orpah kissed her mother-in-law, but Ruth clung to her.” While her sister-in-law abandoned Naomi, Ruth bonded with her. Notice how Ruth clung to Naomi in verses 16-17: “But Ruth said, ‘Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.’”
This week I read about a unique wedding ceremony in which the bride and groom put on welding gear and actually welded two pieces of metal together during the service as a way to symbolize the “cleaving” aspect of their covenant commitment. Even though the guests were at a safe distance during the welding, they all wore welding goggles during the ceremony!
I guess instead of a “Wedding Ceremony,” we could call this a “Welding Ceremony.” One person added, “In welding, there are sparks first and bonding forever; whereas in a wedding, there is bonding first and sparks forever!”
Actually, the word “weld” captures the meaning of marriage quite well. Since I don’t know much about many things, I decided to contact two Edgewood members who know a lot about welding. Between them, Rich Desper and Donny Knight have 29 years of welding expertise. Here are some things I learned in my crash course.
• Preparation of the joint is critical. The surface must be cleaned and straightened out. Get some premarital counseling before getting married.
• When welding takes place between two pieces of metal, “coalescence” occurs. This is a process by which two or more droplets of metal form a single droplet to become one continuous solid. The goal is to become one.
• To fuse two pieces of metal together there needs to be a lot of heat and pressure so each piece can “melt” together. Heat hurts, but it also refines us.
• When done properly, the weld is stronger than the two pieces of metal separately. The strongest point between the two pieces of metal is the weld. Focus on what you have in common.
• To have a proper weld between two metals, a third element must be introduced (welding rod, wire, etc.). If this welding rod is too far away, the weld won’t work. My mind went to Ecclesiastes 4:12: “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
• The correct environment is very important when welding. Make sure you put yourself in a place to gather with God’s people so you can grow in your faith.
• It’s very important for a welder to have a solid foundation, or a “rest” for the hands. Steadiness is critical for a secure welding path. If a welder does not have a good foundation or anchor, it shows in the weld. This makes the weld weak and prone to failure. Ground your marriage in the steady foundation found only in Jesus Christ.
• Sometimes the joint needs to go through some grinding to clean things up. Marriage can be messy and a grind, but it’s worth it.
The acts of “leaving” and “cleaving” are found in covenantal language, as in Deuteronomy 4:4: “But you who held fast to the LORD your God are all alive today.”
One way Christians demonstrate their commitment to Christ is through baptism. At its core, baptism is a public declaration of leaving the old life and cleaving to Christ as Lord and Savior through the new birth. We already have five people interested in our next baptism services scheduled for February 25-26. If you’re a believer and you’ve not been baptized, it’s time to take the plunge.
Because God designed marriage, we must do marriage His way.
3. Intimacy through weaving. To “become one flesh” is a lifetime process, and according to Ephesians 5:32, marriage is a great mystery. Couples go from “me and you” to “we and us.” To become “one flesh” speaks of complete unity. The original Hebrew word goes beyond physical intimacy and includes the whole of human existence – emotionally, intellectually, financially, spiritually, and physically. While different and diverse, the two become one in purpose and mission.
Someone has said marriage is when a man and woman become one and the trouble starts when you try to decide which one! I picture a continuum with oneness on one side and isolation on the other. Every marriage is moving in one direction or another. If you’re married, are you moving toward oneness or isolation? Are you living as soul mates or laboring as roommates? Remember, the grass is always greener where you water it.
Because God designed marriage, we must do marriage His way.
4. Innocence through believing. Genesis 2:25 tells us Adam and Eve were totally innocent and exposed before each other “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” This is both literal and figurative. Everything was out in the open with nothing hidden because there was literally nothing to hide. One commentator captures it this way: “They were at ease with one another, without fear of betrayal or exploitation.”
Wouldn’t it be great if the next verse said, “And they lived happily ever after?” Next week, we’ll see how everything changed in Genesis 3 when sin entered their relationship, resulting in guilt and grief, separation and shame. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew they were naked.” This foreshadows the shame of sin as heard in the words of Adam to God in Genesis 3:10: “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”
Because sin causes shame, we hide from God and we blame others, especially our spouse. This makes me think of a quote from Vance Havner: “People used to blush when they were ashamed. Now they are ashamed if they blush. Modesty has disappeared and a brazen generation with no fear of God before its eyes, mocks at sin. We are so fond of being called tolerant and broadminded that we wink at sin when we ought to weep.”
When I’ve done premarital counseling in the past, I have avoided giving compatibility tests to engaged couples. While there is certainly some value in these, my sense is most couples are essentially incompatible because of selfishness and sin. The biggest thing they have in common is they are both selfish sinners.
The issue is not so much compatibility but forgivability. You will have many opportunities to forgive and if you’re like me, maybe even more times you’ll have to ask for forgiveness. Here are some practical ways to put this into practice.
• Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. The night before our wedding rehearsal, the pastor took us down by a river and read Ephesians 4:26-27: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. And do not give the devil a foothold.” He challenged us to make a vow not to ever go to bed angry. The idea is to forgive your mate or stay up late. Needless to say, we’ve had a few late nights!
• Don’t get “historical” by bringing up past wrongs. I heard about one husband and wife who literally walked around the house with ledger books to record every wrong their spouse did. It wasn’t until they threw these records of wrongdoing away that they were able to move toward intimacy. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says “love keeps no record of wrongs.”
• It’s better to be reconciled than to be right. Or, as one book title puts it, “You can be right, or you can be married!” James 3:18 says, “And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
• Live out your covenant vows. Marriage is not a contract; it’s an unconditional and exclusive covenant. Staying married is not so much about staying in love, it’s about keeping your covenant with God and with your spouse.
In Old Testament times there was a ceremony between two nomadic tribes to promise a son or daughter in marriage. The fathers would butcher some animals, cut the carcasses in half, and then at sundown walk barefoot through the blood path. This was referred to as “cutting a covenant.” The slaughtered animals symbolized what would happen to either party if they violated the conditions of the covenant.
There are nearly 300 references to the word “covenant” in the Bible. A covenant was an exclusive, solemn, and binding mutual agreement between two parties. In Ezekiel 16:8, God compares His commitment to His people to the covenant vow a man makes to a woman in marriage: “...I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.”
• It takes three to make marriage work. A young boy was asked what he learned in Sunday School from the story of Jesus turning water into wine. After thinking for a moment, he answered, “If you’re having a wedding, make sure Jesus shows up!” In God’s marital math, 1+1+1=1.
Your marriage won’t last long if you don’t have any outside help. Paul Tripp says, “If God isn’t at the center of your longings, your longings will never be satisfied.” Adam and Eve didn’t begin to have problems until they moved away from God. Let me say it like this: Your spouse is not your Savior. Only Jesus can be your Savior.
Among the surest predictors of whether a couple will stay married is how regularly they put Jesus first and how often they gather with God’s people for worship.
A couple years ago, I was pleasantly surprised to come across an article in Newsweek with a provocative title: “Can our nation’s churches save marriage – and the family?” Drawing from a new book called Endgame: The Church’s Strategic Move to Save Faith and Family in America, the columnist makes this statement: “Faith and family life have hit record lows even as the science continues to mount telling us how much they matter for the welfare of men, women and children…the decline in church attendance in America is inextricably linked to the decline of marriage.”
God’s objective for marriage is a loving relationship of oneness. Jesus said it this way in Mark 10:9: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” I like how the KJV renders this verse: “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” The word for “joined” means to be “yoked” together. Marriage is meant to be a yoke, not a joke! A yoke was used to maximize the work capacity of two animals.
Marriage is often described as “getting hitched.” Think of two animals yoked together and hitched to a heavy wagon. I learned one Belgian draft horse can pull 8,000 pounds. However, if two horses are trained to work together in a harness, they can pull 32,000 pounds! Two together can accomplish four times as much as one! That’s the power of synergy. A good relationship has a good reward for its toil because when couples pull together, great things can happen.
If you’re married, be vigilant to guard your vows and determine to keep them, even when your feelings fade…and they will. Brothers and sisters, marriage matters to the Majesty and therefore it must matter to you. See your spouse as your companion, as one who completes you, and as one you are to live in communion with. Make sure you’ve done the leaving part, that you are cleaving to each other, that you are allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work of weaving your lives into one, and keep believing in Christ.
Because God designed marriage, we must do marriage His way.
PRAYER
I’d like to pray right now. If you’re married, could you hold hands, so your rings don’t fall off? If you’re not married, I want to pray for you as well.
Lord, would You engage and energize these couples, so they never make the mistake of merely living for each other but instead see their marriage as a platform for ministry. May they seek first the kingdom that is Yours, and its righteousness, so that all other things may be added unto them.
May they not expect that perfection of each other that belongs alone to You. May they minimize each other’s weaknesses, be swift to praise and magnify each other’s strengths and see each other through a lover’s kind and patient eyes. Give them a little something to forgive each day, that they may grow in the grace of long-suffering and love. And may they be as forbearing with each other’s omissions and commissions as You are with theirs.
Make such assignments to them that will develop their character as they walk together. Give them enough tears to keep them tender, enough hurts to keep them humble, enough of failure to keep their hands clenched tightly in Yours, and enough fruit to propel them in faithfulness.
May they never take each other’s love for granted so that when life is done, and the sun is setting, may they be found, then as now, still hand in hand, thanking You for each other. May they serve You joyfully, faithfully, together, until at last, one shall lay the other in Your arms.
I pray for those who are single. Lord, if it’s your will for them to get married, help prepare them even now as they wait. Enable them to pursue purity and to live out your purposes. Lord, if it’s not your will for some to be married, help them to pursue purity and find their purpose. May they know how much you love and cherish them.
I pray also for those who are divorced. May you bring healing to their hurts as you minister grace to them. Help them not feel abandoned as You remind them of Your love and forgiveness.
I pray also for those who have lost their spouses. Comfort them in their grief and help them find their new purpose. When they feel lonely, please meet their needs by your Spirit and through your people.
Now to Him who is able to keep us from stumbling and to present us blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Give us grace so we can reflect Your glory. This we ask through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.
Invitation
