5 Languages of Love
Words of Affirmation
April 24, 2022
We’re starting a new series today. It’s called The 5 Languages of Love and is based off of the book by Gary Chapman with the same title! I know that’s not super original for a title, but why reinvent the wheel. I’m going to be using his book as a basis for the series. I will talk about our love languages and hopefully you are willing to learn your love language and the love languages of those who are closest to you. We will also look at how we can draw closer to God using them as well.
To start out, I thought I would share something really important with you.
SPEAK HEBREW OR ANY OTHE FOREIGN LANGUAGE PEOPLE WON'T UNDERSTAND
I hope you understood me well. I had a lot of really important things to tell you, and I’m sure you took it all in, other than to hear Hebrew, I’m sure you know and will do exactly as I told you.
You see, if we don’t talk the same language, we’re never really going to understand one another. That’s the premise for this series. If I don’t know Debbie’s love language, then I will never be able to fully satisfy her. I can be the nicest guy, the most well intentioned husband, but if we communicate in different languages, then we’re not going to be as connected as we could be in our marriage
For example, I may work long hours trying to be a great provider to Debbie and the boys. I give Debbie everything she wants. I always buy her gifts because I love her. I want her to see it and know it. And that’s all noble and great.
BUT . . . what if that’s not Debbie’s love language, which it isn’t. What if her love language is quality time. And she longs for me to spend time with her. But I’m busy working and buying her presents thinking I’m showing my love for her . . . which I am ---- ---- ---- BUT . . . she might not feel loved by me, even though I’m doing what I think I should be doing in a perfectly well intentioned manner.
This applies for spouses, significant others and our children and grandchildren. It may even be applicable at work, but that’s really not the focus.
So, if we’re going to follow what Jesus said, remember what He told the disciples at the last supper, the Passover meal - - -
34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. - John 13:34-35
And that’s key! We are called to love one another. And I believe Jesus used all 5 of the love languages to show His love for us. So, how can we love one another in the most impactful way possible?
And if we look at that scripture and follow it up with what Jesus commands us to do in the Great Commandment in Mark 12 - - -
30 “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. 31 The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” - Mark 12:30-31
We now have the basis for what we’re supposed to do in life. We are called to love! That’s the basis of all we do in life. Everything must be predicated on love.
But not everyone is wired the same way. Life would be so boring if we were. Sometimes it would be nice if we all thought and reacted the same way, but our differences just adds more fun to our lives.
So, that’s what we’re going to be looking at over the next 5 weeks. There is a love language quiz you can take at the 5 languages website. It’s really a great quiz. There’s no right or wrong answers. And, it’s really thought provoking. It takes about 15 minutes to do, and it may just revolutionize your relationships at home. The quiz can be found at - - -
www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes
So take out your phones and take a picture of this or google 5 love languages quiz.
If we’re going to love others as Jesus commands, then we need to learn to communicate love in the way that’s easiest for the other person to hear and receive. That’s why we’ll be spending the next 5 weeks learning about love languages and how to best love one another and draw closer to God.
I was shocked over Christmas break, when Joshua and Zachary were home and their girlfriends were there as well. And at one point, they were all talking about their love languages and they knew their primary and secondary love languages. It really blew me away that they had already learned what they needed and what their girl friends needed as well.
According to Chapman, there are 5 love languages. Could there possibly be more? Sure, but we’re just going to look at these 5. We’re going to look at a different love language each week.
The 5 love languages are - - -
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Love can be a confusing word. We use that word very flippantly. We talk about loving hot dogs and stuffed pizza, then in the next sentence, we say how much we love our spouse. We only have one word for love, and it’s hard to distinguish between meanings. We love objects as well as people.
The apostle Paul tells us this in the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13 - - -
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
In other words, we can do lots of great things, but if we don’t have love, if love is not the basis for our actions, then we gain absolutely nothing and we are nothing more than a bunch of noise.
In many respects the love languages are pretty straight forward, but I believe they’re important enough, that we should talk about them and learn what they are and how to show them and receive them.
So, today, we’re going to look at Words of Affirmation - - -
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for 2 months on a good compliment.” If we take him literally, that means only 6 compliments a year. Obviously, words of affirmation was not his love language. I don’t think that works for the average person. Using words to express love is one of the most powerful and common ways. But, it’s not the only way.
Solomon tells us in Proverbs 18 - - -
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. - Proverbs 18:21
In other words, what you say has real consequences. If you want to bring life to a person, that’s the fruit you’ll choose, if you want to bring death or sadness, you will choose that one as well. Solomon adds - - -
25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. - Proverbs 12:25
When you’ve been anxious, it weighs you down, but when someone comes up to you and offers you a kind word, a word of encouragement, a prayer, it has a way of making us feel better, soothing our anxiety, and bringing peace and calm.
Other examples of encouraging one another comes from Paul. He wrote - - -
8 Therefore encourage one another with these words. - 1 Thessalonians 4:8
11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. - 1 Thessalonians 5:11
1 Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, - 1 Timothy 5:1
The call from Paul is to use words to encourage. Sometimes it’s not easy to do, especially if that is not your love language. Especially at home, if someone has that love language and you don’t, there can be a real longing and disconnect.
This is why it’s really important to have those conversations to talk about your primary love language. We need all of them, but some to a lesser extent than others. We see it in the Song of Solomon. In chapter 1, Solomon wrote -
15 Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. - Song of Solomon 1:15
She responds - - -
8 The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. 9 My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. - Song of Solomon 2:8-9
I mean, think about it, what woman doesn’t want to be told she’s beautiful? What man doesn’t want to be told he can leap over mountains like a gazelle or a young stud, I mean stag!
We love to hear words like this. But honestly, that’s not our everyday way of speaking. We move through the day and on occasion we say something nice. That’s why there’s handouts today to help you think about what else you can say to those closest to you.
As we saw from Paul, it’s important to use words to encourage one another. And encouragement is a spiritual gift, as well. That’s how important it is. When we verbally compliment someone, we are using affirming words.
It’s important to remember how you say something is hugely important. I can say -
“honey, thanks so much for doing the laundry.” Or I can say it with sarcasm and have a not so good outcome.
I like what Chapman wrote, “The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.” (41)
That is so vital. We speak the other person’s love language because we love them and we want to build them up and encourage them. And the more you do this, assuming it’s their love language, the more you’re going to see the other person reciprocate. It really could go to what Paul was talking about in Ephesians 5:21, when he tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Say, ‘thanks for taking out the garbage. Not, about time you took out the garbage.’
WOW! You look great in that! NOT . . . About time you dressed up!
You don’t use flattery to get what you want, it’s about building up and encouraging them with the truth about something you see in them, or something they did, or something they said. The motivation in all of these love languages is the other person, it’s not about you, it’s about them.
I know when I was working on my doctorate, there were times I wanted to give up. I really didn’t think I could write my final project. It was too demanding, too much time, but the main reason I really finished it - - - is because Debbie believed in me and encouraged me. She was patient enough with me to read it over and over and help me with corrections and grammar and meaning.
That’s what encouragement does for us. She believed in me, when I didn’t. And that made the difference.
Think about what Paul wrote as he continued in 1 Corinthians 13 - - -
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Think about these words from Paul as you speak to the one you love. Everything we do must be predicated in love. Now insert words of affirmation in all of this.
Show your love by being patient with the way you speak. Be kind with your words. Your words don’t show envy or arrogance. Your words are not rude. Your words are to build up, not to tear down, your words are always based on the truth in Christ.
Consider more passages from Solomon and Paul, when responding to someone - -
24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. - Proverbs 16:24
COMMENT - Gracious words are sweet and feel good
1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Proverbs 15:1
COMMENT - it’s ok to be angry, but how do you speak to the other person?
29 Let no CORRUPTING talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. - Ephesians 4:29
COMMENT - Corrupting means rotten / over ripe. Build up / not tear down.
6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. - Colossians 4:6
This doesn’t mean you can’t express frustration, anger, disappointment or anything we might call negative emotions. You still can and you’re encouraged to share them, but how do you say them? In an angry, vengeful manner . . . or do you say them with love, as you build intimacy and find a hopeful and healthy resolution?
In all of these love languages, we have a choice. Will you learn your love language, the language of those you love, or will you really not care?
Help others to hear how you love someone. Let others know you’re proud of your spouse, or tell about something great they did. Especially say it to their parents. That will go over big time. Again, not to get anything from it, but to show your love for that person. And there’s a fine line between always bragging and making a comment about how you love that person.
Before I end, you can use your words towards God as well. Read the scriptures back to God as a form of worship. Use the Bible to praise God, sing songs to God. If you’re creative . . . make a poster or banner to honor God. Use your creativity. There are different ways we can relate to God. One way is through our words. The psalmist said in Psalm 150 - - -
6 Let everything that has breath, praise the Lord! - Psalm 150:6
Psalm 103 tells us - - -
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, - Psalm 103
Psalm 71- - -
8 My mouth is filled with your praise, and with your glory all the day.
Finally in Acts 16, when Paul and Silas are in prison, Luke tells us - - -
25 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them, - Acts 16:25
So, we say thanks to God, that’s part of our prayer life. We talk to God, but in the process we affirm who God is, even in the hard times, even when things may not be going exactly as we want them to go, we still praise and glorify God.
We talk to Him and share our greatest needs, our longings, our hopes and dreams. That’s part of worship, it’s part of our intimacy with God . . . and we use our words as we draw closer to the name above every name.
And even when the words aren’t coming. We can simply sigh, we can tell God, “I don’t have the words right now Lord! But you know the longings of my heart. You know my soul! You created me and have never left me . . .”
Those are the times we have our deepest prayers.
So, as we come to an end, a reminder that there are handouts at the connection center and by the south doors and by the north doors as well. If you’re worshiping online. I will have them converted into PDF’s and they’ll be on the church FB page as well.
Words are powerful. Use them to build up and show God’s love.
