Learning to Serve Others
Series: Building Better RELATIONSHIPS
October 17, 2021
Intro
Today... concluding our Fall series on building better relationships.
We began the series ....hearing the words of God ... in creating human life... the Scriptures depict God saying: that it is not good for us to be alone... a declaration that echoes through our lives.
This past week... two lives that have shown to be rather astute in assessing human lives....had a public conversation. [1]
Author Brooks, of the Atlantic publication, discussed the truth about happiness with
Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, a physician and now the U.S. surgeon general. Murthy recently wrote a book that has struck at the real issue that we have avoided as a culture... the book is titled: Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. (April 2020).
Murthy -“I’ve been often quite surprised that the people I thought were perfectly content, and seemed to be out at parties all the time and have a vibrant social life, were actually often quite alone. But they didn’t feel comfortable saying that, because in the United States of America—in Western society in the modern age—to say you’re lonely, feels like saying you’re a loser, so we don’t talk about this even though millions and millions of people are struggling with loneliness.
Brooks: There’s a very famous study at the University of Rochester where students were asked about what their goals in life were, and then it followed up a year later to see whether or not they hit their goals after graduation and to see how happy they were. And those who had extrinsic goals, which is money, power and fame—they wanted to get ahead; they wanted to do really well; they wanted to make more money—they got those things. They were doing better than average. But they were a lot less happy than those who had intrinsic goals. And those intrinsic goals were all about love and relationships.
Dr. Murthy: When we give love, when we receive love, we feel replenished, we feel empowered and we’re able to do more, to be more, for those around us. That is a consistent theme in the history of humanity and borne out often by our own life experiences. I actually think we know that when we’re born. If you watch small children interact, they don’t really care how famous they are. They don’t care how much money they have, or possessions. They can be happy in a small house or a big house. But, they derive so much in those moments of love ....They hone in to what really matters.
Murthy then says...
What I can tell you is about the conversations I’ve had with many patients at the end of their life, and what is remarkably consistent about those conversations... those last moments in someone’s life, those last hours, last days when I’ve been privileged to sit by their bedside and hold their hands and look into their eyes and just hear their final reflections on their wonderful life. What people talk about in those final moments is not how big their office was or the promotion they got or the prestigious job or how big their bank account was. What people talk about are relationships. They talk about the people they loved...the people who they wish they had spent more time with.
We don’t have to wait for that time to realize what matters.
We may measure things differently—we may measure success in part by the strength of the relationships that we create. We would live and look at life very differently if we truly built our life around people.
Learning to build life around people... that is what we have been engaging.
> And we began with the good news...
We were created in connection... to know connection.
This is what Jesus comes to restore... and teach us to join.
In the Message paraphrase, says it this way....
Ephesians 5:1-2 (MSG) ?Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents... Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
The final quality that we can learn from Jesus...is that love gives...
He didn’t love to GET... but to GIVE.”
Love will give of ourselves for the sake of others.
Love does not just give to get....but gets to give.
Matthew 20:25, 28?Jesus said, "... the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
As the apostle John in the Scriptures...
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” - I John 3:16
This is the very definition of love.
John in the Bible says “God is love” (I John 4:8) and is describing that divine love is that which is revealed in giving one’s life. God revealed his love on a cross,
God is from all eternity, in His own being as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, God is this other oriented, self giving love. God is the kind of love that pours Himself out for another and God has been doing that from all eternity.
Then God creates the world to express that love, to invite others in on that love and so this is the kind of love that is supposed to characterize all our relationships. It’s “cross like” love.
For most of us... this is a bit hard to grasp.
We sense limitations that require living in competition. We think there is limited good stuff....so life is really about getting the most we can.
And there are nearly 8 billion lives currently...so we naturally think we need to be takers... holders... hoarders.
But look at Jesus and we can better understand how to give ourselves for the sake of others.
The first thing we can see... is that...
Love gives by choice.
The power of giving is our choice to give.
John didn’t say that Jesus was simply killed...but rather that HE LAID DOWN His Life...in other words... it was a choice. Jesus freely chose to lay down His life.
He says that explicitly,
John 10:17-18 (NIV) ?The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life--only to take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."
“no one does this to me, I choose to do this.”
Out of love He chose to sacrifice and ascribe unsurpassable worth to others, even His enemies. He chose that. It wasn’t required of Him, it wasn’t imposed on Him. He wasn’t anybody’s victim. He did it freely out of love.
What is so clearly seen in Jesus...is that what he describes as love is the choice he made to sacrifice for the good of others.
This is not the same as being doormats... as simply allowing others to use or abuse us.
If you are in a relationship where there is physical or emotional abuse, some kind of victimization going on where you are being dehumanized, what love requires is that you do everything possible to put an immediate stop to that. In fact what love requires is that if it’s serious enough you need to walk away from it. Because it is not love... and it’s not doing you any good or them any good.
Real love... is a choice.
And it the power of that choice that makes love the most powerful force that exists.
It is this choice to give of ourselves... that reveals our potency.
We are expressing our value most... our potency... when we give.
When God created us.... he created us as a source of help to one another....as gifts to one another.
You are a gift to others.
Some may respond amen... “I’m God’s gift to the world.”.. slow down there ... its not about a world that exists to give you attention and affirmation.
I said we are all gifts to one another...and God’s gifts. We belong in a very profound way.
Ask you to say aloud with me...
“I am a gift to others.”
> That is the identity to live up to...and into.
As I mentioned last week... we do well to remember the story of Cain and Abel, Cain appears to become insecure and jealous of his brother Abel...and strikes him down...and God comes and asks” Where is your brother?” Cain responds with a tragic immaturity... say... “Am I my brothers keeper?”
Yes... he was...and tragically... he did what we can all so...we see others as our competition... we become lonely because we think only of ourselves. Cain wanted more attention on himself.
The truth is that ... we can seek attention.... and affection... to find ourselves...live lives that know only pseudo-love.
> The real connection we long for... is that of a love that chooses to embrace responsibility for others.
Now that may be hard for some of us to appreciate. Many of us today can fear expectations.
I recall the great wisdom reflected through Rabbi Loy... whose life work was the study of the power of God’s expectations.
He notes that so many think that the problem in life is having responsibility and expectations on us...and that freedom is being is being free of responsibility to anyone but ourselves.
Rabbi Loy notes that the truth is that without expectation...responsibility...we are excluded from life itself. Rabbi Loy say, "If someone expects, demands something of you, it means he takes you seriously."
This can help us understand the great power in choosing to give of ourselves.
The truth is that we have a both a desire and fear of responsibility.
I find that men in particular have a both a desire and fear of responsibility. As boys…”Do I have what it takes to make it in the world?”.
We want to be believed in…to find respectability…honor….but the expectations can bring fear and failure…and so we can resent them… try to dismiss them.
We want to be a hero…but we’re not sure the suit will fit....so we just cast the desire into our dreams.
But Jesus says that his yoke is easy... his expectations fit.
Jesus says to all…what he brings is life that fits.
We all have the power of love...the power to CHOOSE to simply help others.
The second thing that Jesus makes clear... is that...
Love gives with purpose. (God’s goodness)
Jesus never just gave himself to whatever whims and wishes the people had.
He served God’s goodness. The purpose of giving is God’s goodness.
We are confirmers of God’s goodness.
Jesus said he came to do the Father’s will.
And he called us to do the same.
How can we serve others? Affirm God’s goodness?
Jesus gave more than a hint when he said...
• “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31)
• “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” (Matthew 7:12)
In other words... we already have a good sense....because we share so much of the same nature.
When we are in need, we appreciate if someone can help. We appreciate kind words.
The potential ways we can give to others are vast...but the two most basic ways... is through our care...and our words.
• We can give our time to serve others.
• We can use our words to bless others.
And finally... what we learn from Jesus is that...
Love gives from eternal love.
The source of giving is God’s eternal love.
This is the most profound reality that Jesus reveals.
We assume we exist in a world of limited resources.
If you just pour out... you become empty.
If you lose something... it’s gone.
We think if we give ourselves away... that we lose ourselves... that we will ultimately be lost.
But Jesus says:
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” - Matthew 16:24-25 [3[?
Jesus seems to be calling us to following him in the way of sacrifice. We cannot give our live to atone for the sins of the world...but we can give our lives in service to God and others.
And Jesus is saying that in doing so...we actually find ourselves.
That’s can sound very strange.
But the truth is that
Jesus was more truly finding himself when he gave himself
He was part of the God who is love...and who gives....so he was actually being most himself when he showed such love to us.
The Trinity is a never-ending belonging....and that is true of us... we are loved as individuals...but because we belong... so to love God and love others cannot be separated.
Love is an eternal source.... we all reflect it’s echoes in this world...but were meant to live in relationship to the source.
It comes down to this:
Either we are self-existing beings....who will find ourselves in what we get...or we were created in the image of God...meant to be eternally connected... bound and belonging... and as such... when we give ourselves for the sake of others...we find ourselves.
When we give of ourselves...we are actually reflecting our deepest nature.
And we know it.
When you help someone... hard work of pantry,,,, a moment of extended care for a neighbor... you feel two things. Closer to God...and your best self.
Closing:
How can we best close this series?
As I said at the start... it’s important to realize that learning to build better relationships...and to love like Jesus... is not about just a few truths that the mere knowledge of will make a difference. It’s about grasping them as an ongoing guide.
So one step I have taken is to refine these 5 qualities into some practical guiding vaues that I can keep in front of me.
I will share those with you online and in this week’s weekly email.
And today...I want to draw upon a step that Arthur Brooks presented.
Imagine yourself in five years. Happy.
Identify five things that are making you happy five years from now.
Order them.
Now take management of the top two.
(Below is more detailed explanation that Brooks gives)
Imagine yourself in five years. So let’s say you’re 27 years old. Imagine the 32-year-old version of yourself. Imagine what you’re doing, what you’re thinking. The five-years-older version of yourself is happy. I don’t have to tell you what that means. You know what that means. You’re a happy person.
Now comes step two. I want you to list five things that are actually making you happy five years from now. This might sound like it’s impossible, but it isn’t. You know perfectly well the kinds of forces that would bring you authentic happiness, don’t you? Think about the five things that are the reason that you’re the happy version of you in five years. Now I want you to put them in order: one, two, three, four or five, where one is the force on your life that’s bringing you the most joy five years from now. No. 5 is good, but it’s not No. 1. Okay now, what are they? The extrinsic stuff practically guaranteed is going to be Nos. 4 and 5; or Nos. 3, 4, and 5; or something like that. And Nos. 1 and 2 are going to be relationships, are going to be love. They’re going to be intrinsic.
And this leads us to step three. You need to manage Nos. 1 and 2—are you right now? If you want to get to that, if you want to get to the top two things on your list five years from now, so you can be the happy version of you in five years, you better be actively managing Nos. 1 and 2 on your list. Are you? You might not be.
The love that you want in your life....it’s not going to make itself happen. It’s not going to manage itself; you need to manage it. Do this exercise once a week for a month and think about how it’s changing your priorities, and then do it for the rest of the year. I guarantee you your priorities are going to change, because you’re going to give more attention to the things that really matter. What you focus on more is what you will manage going forward, and you’ll become a more intrinsically motivated person reaping the happiness rewards.
PRAYER
Resources:
I shaped this series based on my own ideas about what are the most identifiable and impactful principles and patterns we can identify in the way that Jesus loved. I am indebted to Les Parrott for the way he presented that premise itself, from Ephesians 5:1-2, in his book Love Like That.
Notes:
1. How to Know You’re Lonely - Dr. Vivek Murthy and Arthur Brooks discuss loneliness—what it feels like, how difficult it is to identify, and the remedies to alleviate its impact on our daily lives. - OCTOBER 12, 2021 - here
2. From The Young Unicorns, by Madeleine L'Engle, p. 155.
Rabbi Loy says,"In a life in which there is no demand, there is no meaning."
"That's nuts," Dave snarled rudely. "Demands are the whole trouble."
Rabbi said, "If no demand is put on you, then you are in a sense excluded.
"From what?"
"Life itself. To be demanded of gives us dignity."
3. Jesus previously said:
”If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.” - Matthew 10:39 (NLT)
